[Blindtlk] Needing Feedback and Support

[Graves, Diane]

Hi all,

Thank you guys for your responses. I should probably say that I picked on a particular coworker today, but it isn't just her at all. I have gotten this from a number of coworkers over the years. These little episodes come up all the time. You'll find them, as David said, at restaurants. You'll find them at church. I've had issues with bank tellers. They are in all aspects of our lives really.

It was interesting that Ray mentioned the formal memorandum. I actually did send out an all staff memorandum several years ago, letting the staff know that their condescending treatment was offensive. I got a few "haters" and alienated myself from some. It was not pretty. I was angry when I sent it, so that didn't help, I'm sure. I wish I had a copy of it so I could review it now.

It is just so frustrating.  I don't want my sighted peers to steer clear of me. I want to have sighted friends. But can't they stop looking at me as an inferior and a charity case and just engage in a normal friendship?

I have no problem with someone asking me whether I need help with something, or whether I can do something. All of us (blind or sighted) have limitations. I just get burnt out on the negative assumptions, and the unwillingness to listen to what I say.
Anyway, thanks again.
Diane Graves
Civil Rights Specialist
Indiana Civil Rights Commission
Alternative Dispute Resolutions Unit
317-232-2647
 
"It is service that measures success."
George Washington Carver
 
Confidentiality Notice: This E-mail transmission may contain confidential and/or legally privileged information intended only for the individual or entity(ies)
named in the E-mail address. If you are not the intended recipient, be advised that any unauthorized disclosure, copying, distribution, or acting in reliance
upon the contents of this E-mail is strictly prohibited. If you have received this E-mail transmission in error, please reply to sender to arrange for the return and proper delivery of the transmission. Subsequently, delete the message from your system immediately.
-----Original Message-----
From: blindtlk-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:blindtlk-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Hyde, David W. (ESC)
Sent: Thursday, December 09, 2010 11:22 AM
To: 'Blind Talk Mailing List'
Subject: Re: [Blindtlk] Needing Feedback and Support

I think we've all had co-workers like yours. I tend to ignore it as long as I can, hoping they'll get the hint. When they don't, I have sometimes used Ray's idea, if that person is important enough to me, either in employment or personally, to take the time. When they are, I sometimes deal with it socially, invite them over to visit me in my "natural environment" at home, take them out for a coffee or lunch, something like that. I do this for the most banal of reasons. I want control of the situation. If they are in my home or at my invitation, that gives me a leg up. This helps me to direct the conversation.

I'll sometimes start the conversation generally, about (Have you ever noticed that some people treat...) and talk about others who have done similar things. The restaurant employee that wants your sighted partner to give them your order, the friend who is mad at you because he honked and waved at you on the street, and you didn't respond, the friend who jumped up every time you moved because you needed help. If you can discuss these things in such a way where the person can discover their behavior for themselves, they'll save face, and probably appreciate your subtlety.

Then there are those who won't get it, no matter what you do. That's when you bring in the supervisor.

Good luck, and sorry for the long post. 

-----Original Message-----
From: blindtlk-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:blindtlk-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Graves, Diane
Sent: Thursday, December 09, 2010 8:01 AM
To: 'Blind Talk Mailing List'
Subject: [Blindtlk] Needing Feedback and Support


Hello Federationists.

First of all, let me apologize if I have posted this question here before. I have been on the list, and dealing with the same issue for a good number of years, and my memory is not what it used to be. So, I'm hoping I'm not being repetitious, but here we go.

Most of you who know me know that I am a long time federationist, and am someone who has been blind since I was a toddler. Even so, I'm afraid I still have not mastered the art of dealing with condescending comments and behavior from my sighted colleagues in an effective, graceful manner. I tend to have two modes. One is passive, the other is aggressive. Each of these modes has a negative impact, and neither is appropriate. I'm hoping I can get some good suggestions here.

The ironic thing about this as it relates to my coworkers is that I work for a local civil rights agency. Some of those who are dishing out this treatment are people who have likely experienced similar treatment themselves, or have been commissioned to eradicate this treatment.  Anyway, the list of instances is infinite and stretches back to the onset of my blindness, but, in the interest of time, I'll just give you the latest example.

The office is having a holiday pitch-in on Friday and each staff member was asked to sign up and bring a dish.  When I informed the coordinator that I would be baking bread, she asked me "Oh, are you sure you want to cook?" Duhhh? Now I would bet my life that no other staff person who signed up to bring a dish (virtually all of us) was asked this question. Even as I say it, it sounds a bit minor, but these things add up and happen all the time.

This same person is always volunteering to bring things to my desk so that I don't have to come to her and pick them up or sign a card for a staff member or whatever. She is always calling me "honey/sweetie, and using a tone that one might use when talking with a child. ." I have never heard her talk to another staff person in this way. I talked to a group of high school students who came to the office a few months ago about my job and what I do, and this same person proceeded to tell me how very amazing I was. What? I'm amazing because I can tell a group of kids what I do for a living?

I have tried to talk to others about the treatment before and have been told that people were just "trying to help," and that I was making too much out of things. I have also had major melt downs over these types of things before, and caused myself to be alienated.

I don't want to be alienated. I want to have friends. I just want to be viewed and treated as an equal, and not talked down to as if I were a child or somehow less capable. It wouldn't be appropriate on the basis of race, national origin or any other protected class, and it isn't appropriate on the basis of blindness either.

Anyway, how do the rest of you deal with things like this effectively? Any feedback would really be appreciated.

[cid:image002.gif at 01CB977C.AE939EC0]

Diane Graves
Civil Rights Specialist
Indiana Civil Rights Commission
Alternative Dispute Resolutions Unit
317-232-2647

"It is service that measures success."
George Washington Carver

Confidentiality Notice: This E-mail transmission may contain confidential and/or legally privileged information intended only for the individual or entity(ies) named in the E-mail address. If you are not the intended recipient, be advised that any unauthorized disclosure, copying, distribution, or acting in reliance upon the contents of this E-mail is strictly prohibited. If you have received this E-mail transmission in error, please reply to sender to arrange for the return and proper delivery of the transmission. Subsequently, delete the message from your system immediately.

_______________________________________________
blindtlk mailing list
blindtlk at nfbnet.org
http://www.nfbnet.org/mailman/listinfo/blindtlk_nfbnet.org
To unsubscribe, change your list options or get your account info for blindtlk:
http://www.nfbnet.org/mailman/options/blindtlk_nfbnet.org/dgraves%40icrc.in.gov