[Blindtlk] Needing Feedback and Support
Cindy Handel
cindy425 at verizon.net
Thu Dec 9 20:49:45 UTC 2010
I think inviting this woman to lunch, or somewhere, on your terms, might be
helpful. Even though she sees you performing your job, successfully, on a
daily basis, it hasn't made an impression. So, maybe meeting outside the
workplace will help.
A former pastor of the church I attend used to greet me, along with the
other church members as we left the service. But, when talking to me, his
voice rose an octive, as though he was talking with a child. This really
bothered me. I didn't say anything though. But, as I got more involved in
the church; taking on responsibilities and doing things on my own, he
started talkijng to me the same as the other people. So, seeing me as a
contributing member of the church really seemed to help.
CindyFrom: "James Kelm" <jameskelm at earthlink.net>
To: "Blind Talk Mailing List" <blindtlk at nfbnet.org>
Sent: Thursday, December 09, 2010 4:33 PM
Subject: Re: [Blindtlk] Needing Feedback and Support
Dear Diane,
It is ironic of just how many people will be totally offensive to a
blind person, all under the name of "only being kind"! I often think what
society's opinion would be, if we substituted another minority in the place
of a blind person. "I am amazed that a black person is able to do that
job", or "I don't think that a Jewish person should be able to live on their
own". For me personally, I can't imagine that anyone would allow a woman to
attempt to be independent! LOLL
Now that I have sturred up the pot, I will close this E-mail! *smile*
And remember all of you who are Hispanic... I am only trying to help!
Respectfully in Christ,
Pastor James Kelm
Foundational Christian Family Ministry
www.fcfministry.org
----- Original Message -----
From: "Graves, Diane" <dgraves at icrc.IN.gov>
To: "'Blind Talk Mailing List'" <blindtlk at nfbnet.org>
Sent: Thursday, December 09, 2010 2:12 PM
Subject: Re: [Blindtlk] Needing Feedback and Support
> I have to say Pastor Kelm, that I am guilty of losing my Christian decorum
or frame of mind over this sort of thing. If someone came into my house
talking about "you just sit down," I'm afraid I couldn't resist the urge to
say, "you just shut up." Or better yet, "you just get out." LOL
>
>
>
>
> Diane Graves
> Civil Rights Specialist
> Indiana Civil Rights Commission
> Alternative Dispute Resolutions Unit
> 317-232-2647
>
> "It is service that measures success."
> George Washington Carver
>
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> -----Original Message-----
> From: blindtlk-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:blindtlk-bounces at nfbnet.org] On
Behalf Of James Kelm
> Sent: Thursday, December 09, 2010 1:54 PM
> To: Blind Talk Mailing List
> Subject: Re: [Blindtlk] Needing Feedback and Support
>
> Dear friends,
>
> I just thought that I would jump in here and give my two cents worth.
> *smile* I like all of the comments on this topic! I once discussed this
> issue of patronizing comments with my brother, but he said that I was
> probably being overly sensitive, and that he didn't think that people did
> this kind of thing too often. Of course he is not blind! LOLL
>
> I have a neighbor who lives in an apartment next to my wife's and my
> apartment. This woman is very sweet, but drives me crazy with her
comments.
> If I am heading to the elevator to go to my apartment, she will run
> proclaiming "he's blind, and someone needs to help him with the buttons".
> If my wife goes out of town to visit her family for a few days and I stay
> home to do work, this neighbor will say things like "that isn't right that
> his wife leaves him home alone... How will he eat, and what if he gets
> hurt?" Once this lady came over to our apartment for a brief visit, and
> proceeded to order me around inside of my own apartment. "You just sit
down
> and let your wife do that... I'm so afraid you are going to hurt
yourself,
> so just sit down." Once I made a comment to a friend about me making
dinner
> on a particular day, and this woman actually interjected herself into our
> conversation to say, "Does the apartment manager know that you are using
the
> oven? That's kind of scary for the rest of us, and your wife shouldn't
let
> you do that kind of stuff!" Now keep in mind that I am a 49 year old
> professional, who is rather independent by nature. I actually lived alone
> for 18 years before being married to my wonderful wife! I also have a
touch
> of the old male ego, and don't like to be treated like a child!
>
> I have very gently made comments to this lady that she doesn't have to
> worry, and while I appreciate her concern, I am able to look out for
myself.
> She says that I'm so sweet, but she doesn't get it! We have found that a
> third person, in this case my wife, can help a lot. My wife will make
> general comments such as "I am really happy that James cooked last night,
> because he is a really good cook, and I could relax". Or, my wife will
> remark about some other aspect that our neighbor has commented on. We
have
> noticed that this has helped. If I comment, I will be dismissed. But if
a
> third person makes observations, then sometimes it will sink in.
>
> I hope that all of you sweeties are having a nice day, and are getting
> ready for Christmas. As for me, I will be sitting in my recliner and day
> dreaming, because folks such as us must be realistic and make sure that we
> do not injure our selves by walking, talking, or by God forbid, cooking!
> LOLL
>
>
> Respectfully in Christ,
> Pastor James Kelm
> Foundational "Christian Family Ministry
> www.fcfministry.org
>
>
> ----- Original Message -----
> From: "Gloria Whipple" <fairyfoot at webband.com>
> To: "'Blind Talk Mailing List'" <blindtlk at nfbnet.org>
> Sent: Thursday, December 09, 2010 11:37 AM
> Subject: Re: [Blindtlk] Needing Feedback and Support
>
>
> > I agree with Diane. That is a very good come back.
> >
> >
> > Gloria Whipple
> > Corresponding Secretary
> > Inland Empire chapter
> > nfb of WA
> >
> > cell number: 509-475-4993
> >
> > -----Original Message-----
> > From: blindtlk-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:blindtlk-bounces at nfbnet.org]
On
> > Behalf Of Constance Canode
> > Sent: Thursday, December 09, 2010 8:53 AM
> > To: Blind Talk Mailing List
> > Subject: Re: [Blindtlk] Needing Feedback and Support
> >
> > Diane, I agree with Ray. If the chat doesn't work, you might want to
> > file a formal complaint. As far as the names are concerned, there is
> > a physician where I worked who insisted on calling me sweetie or
> > honey. I politely informed him that he must have misread my name tag
> > because it did not say either of those names on it. He apologized
> > and resorted to calling me by name.
> >
> > Connie
> > At 09:37 AM 12/9/2010, you wrote:
> > >Diane,
> > >
> > >First things first. Have you tried a nice quiet chat with this
> > >particular antagonist? Seems to me it's high time you gave that a
> > >try. Sure, you don't want to go blowing up at her like an explosion
> > >or something. Now, that would be wrong for you to do. That might
> > >make you feel good for a very short time, but, frankly, I reckon
> > >that in the long term, you come off as a bitch. I suppose you
> > >really do not want to do that. Leaves a bad taste in the mouth;
> > >and, frankly, on the heart as well. The thing of it is, YOu don't
> > >want to just give in either. I'd start with a nice quiet chat. I
> > >don't mean just get her in the break room or over by the water
> > >cooler for a second or so. I mean you actually need to schedule her
> > >in for an appointment and frankly say to her that you need to have a
> > >serious talk with her. You want to talk alone, if possible; but, if
> > >you since that she's being a you know what about it, you might want
> > >to include the boss. For sure, you want the boss involved anyhow,
> > >especially if it may involve work matters, (as I kind of suspect
> > >this might). Seems to me you've let this fester for much too long
> > >already. You should have done this nearer the beginning of the
> > >issue. IF the nice quiet chat fails to resolve, you might resort to
> > >using a formal memorandum or something.
> > >
> > >It will be interesting to see what others have to say.
> > >
> > >
> > >Sincerely,
> > >The Constantly Barefooted Ray!!!
> > >
> > >Now A Very Proud and very happy Mac user!!!
> > >
> > >Skype Name:
> > >barefootedray
> > >
> > >On Dec 9, 2010, at 8:01 AM, Graves, Diane wrote:
> > >
> > > >
> > > > Hello Federationists.
> > > >
> > > > First of all, let me apologize if I have posted this question
> > > here before. I have been on the list, and dealing with the same
> > > issue for a good number of years, and my memory is not what it used
> > > to be. So, I'm hoping I'm not being repetitious, but here we go.
> > > >
> > > > Most of you who know me know that I am a long time federationist,
> > > and am someone who has been blind since I was a toddler. Even so,
> > > I'm afraid I still have not mastered the art of dealing with
> > > condescending comments and behavior from my sighted colleagues in
> > > an effective, graceful manner. I tend to have two modes. One is
> > > passive, the other is aggressive. Each of these modes has a
> > > negative impact, and neither is appropriate. I'm hoping I can get
> > > some good suggestions here.
> > > >
> > > > The ironic thing about this as it relates to my coworkers is that
> > > I work for a local civil rights agency. Some of those who are
> > > dishing out this treatment are people who have likely experienced
> > > similar treatment themselves, or have been commissioned to
> > > eradicate this treatment. Anyway, the list of instances is
> > > infinite and stretches back to the onset of my blindness, but, in
> > > the interest of time, I'll just give you the latest example.
> > > >
> > > > The office is having a holiday pitch-in on Friday and each staff
> > > member was asked to sign up and bring a dish. When I informed the
> > > coordinator that I would be baking bread, she asked me "Oh, are you
> > > sure you want to cook?" Duhhh? Now I would bet my life that no
> > > other staff person who signed up to bring a dish (virtually all of
> > > us) was asked this question. Even as I say it, it sounds a bit
> > > minor, but these things add up and happen all the time.
> > > >
> > > > This same person is always volunteering to bring things to my
> > > desk so that I don't have to come to her and pick them up or sign a
> > > card for a staff member or whatever. She is always calling me
> > > "honey/sweetie, and using a tone that one might use when talking
> > > with a child. ." I have never heard her talk to another staff
> > > person in this way. I talked to a group of high school students who
> > > came to the office a few months ago about my job and what I do, and
> > > this same person proceeded to tell me how very amazing I was. What?
> > > I'm amazing because I can tell a group of kids what I do for a living?
> > > >
> > > > I have tried to talk to others about the treatment before and
> > > have been told that people were just "trying to help," and that I
> > > was making too much out of things. I have also had major melt downs
> > > over these types of things before, and caused myself to be alienated.
> > > >
> > > > I don't want to be alienated. I want to have friends. I just want
> > > to be viewed and treated as an equal, and not talked down to as if
> > > I were a child or somehow less capable. It wouldn't be appropriate
> > > on the basis of race, national origin or any other protected class,
> > > and it isn't appropriate on the basis of blindness either.
> > > >
> > > > Anyway, how do the rest of you deal with things like this
> > > effectively? Any feedback would really be appreciated.
> > > >
> > > > [cid:image002.gif at 01CB977C.AE939EC0]
> > > >
> > > > Diane Graves
> > > > Civil Rights Specialist
> > > > Indiana Civil Rights Commission
> > > > Alternative Dispute Resolutions Unit
> > > > 317-232-2647
> > > >
> > > > "It is service that measures success."
> > > > George Washington Carver
> > > >
> > > > Confidentiality Notice: This E-mail transmission may contain
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> > > have received this E-mail transmission in error, please reply to
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