[Blindtlk] dating sighted people Vs. Blind people?

Thu May 26 14:04:28 UTC 2011

Well said Diane,

I have dated both blind and sighted women. I am married to a sighted woman.
There was, of course, a learning period for both of us. She needed to learn
things about blindness and I needed to learn things about her preferences
and desires.

I think there is some very helpful literature on this topic.

There is a banquet speech entitled "On visions and Vultures" given by
Kenneth Jernigan which addresses some of these issues. In that speech he
reads a letter written by a sighted woman who is dating a blind man. The
letter is as relevant for today as it was when it was written back in 1976.

It is an awesome testimony and a very elegantly written letter.

I am providing the link to the text and audio of that speech.

Here is the link for the text:
http://www.nfb.org/Images/nfb/Publications/convent/banque76.htm

Here is the link to the audio file:
http://www.nfb.org/Images/nfb/Audio/BanqSpeech/BSP-1976.mp
And here is a link to an article called "Other Arrangements."
http://nfb.org/legacy/books/kernel1/kern1204.htm

Hope these resources help. I know they helped me.

-----Original Message-----
From: blindtlk-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:blindtlk-bounces at nfbnet.org] On
Behalf Of Graves, Diane
Sent: Thursday, May 26, 2011 8:12 AM
To: 'Blind Talk Mailing List'
Subject: Re: [Blindtlk] dating sighted people Vs. Blind people?

Hi Humberto,

Well, some might classify me as an "old married lady," so I haven't dated in
a while. My husband is sighted by the way. I would first start by telling
you that people are people. I think it would be a huge mistake to make the
decision that you were only going to date blind people, or to go to the
other extreme, ruling out blind people, and say that you would only date the
sighted.

If you meet a sighted girl whom you'd like to date, yes there may be some
educating to do, so be prepared for that in case there is. Then again, there
may not be that much work to do. You meet sighted people at all different
levels of course. You run into some who are totally clueless and uneducated
and are content to stay that way; some who are willing to learn; and some
who truly believe that blind people live full and productive lives. I'm
guessing that, if there is a sighted girl who has accepted your invitation
to go on a date, she is at least halfway there. I would just take things one
day at a time, see how things go, and do whatever educating you need to do
along the way. If she wants to offer more help than you need, try to find a
way of explaining this to her that won't be abrasive or make her feel
offended. It may be a gradual process, but if  you want to continue dating
each other, then this education will just join the ranks of all the other
things that go into building a relationship. Eventually, if you're feeling
like you have a second mother as opposed to having a girlfriend, you'll
probably want to end that relationship and move onto the next one.

It's important to understand that, like it or not, we live in a sighted
world. So, whether you are dating, seeking employment, or participating in
other community activities, how you present yourself visually is important.
Unfortunately some of us have physical characteristics that can't be
altered. I wear the dark glasses for just that reason. There is no way to
make my eyes and the area around them look good. But I am talking in terms
of dress, hairstyle, body language, and the pieces of visual appearance that
we can control. So yes, that is important, and if you have on mismatched or
dirty clothing or what have you then the sighted are likely to write you
off. I don't know if this is what you were referring too when you mentioned
visual judgments or not, but just wanted to throw that in.

On the other hand, if you meet a blind person you would like to date, you'll
need to work out such things as transportation, and different things that go
into functioning as a blind person. There will be some hurdles to navigate
here too, but look at it this way. If a blind person isn't willing to date
another blind person because of the blindness related hurdles, then why in
the world should we expect a sighted person to want to date us. If we don't
give one of our own the value and respect that they deserve, how can we
expect the sighted to give that to us? Do  you know what I mean?

Okay, those are my 2 cents worth.

Diane Graves
Civil Rights Specialist
Indiana Civil Rights Commission
Alternative Dispute Resolutions Unit
317-232-2647

"It is service that measures success."
George Washington Carver

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-----Original Message-----
From: blindtlk-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:blindtlk-bounces at nfbnet.org] On
Behalf Of Humberto
Sent: Wednesday, May 25, 2011 9:24 PM
To: nabs-l at nfbnet.org
Cc: blindtlk at nfbnet.org
Subject: [Blindtlk] dating seaghted people Vs. Blind people?

Hello dear listers,

I'm wanting to know, and I've been curious about, your opinions 
on the topic stated in the subject line. I think this discussion 
has been shared already on this list a little bit but it would be 
good for us to discuss this as a matter of opinions are 
concerned.
So, let me begin by asking, what do you think about going out 
with a sighted person Vs. a blind person? Are there any main 
differences, if any, on dating blind people or sighted people? 
Will a blind person expect to date or marry another blind person? 
If I date a sighted person, for instance, will I have to deal 
with the blindness misconceptions that people sometimes have? How 
can a blind person get that sighted person to think that the 
blind person can become a competent member of society by doing 
everything else that a sighted person can do.
I myself have a blind girlfriend, and yes, we enjoy each other as 
much as 2 sighted people will enjoy each other's engagement. I've 
been going with her for about 4 years now, and we still keep in 
touch.
would it be different if I make the choice to go out with a 
sighted girl, yet knowing that my blindness is just a 
characteristic? Will she understand that?
I ask these questions only for your thoughts, and I wouldn't just 
want to start a huge debate here. I must stress, though, that if 
I do choose to date a sighted girlfriend, she must know that my 
blindness will not stop me from doing anything that I want to, 
and having high expectations.
But is there anything that, specifically speaking, a sighted 
person looks for when he or she is trying to date a blind person, 
versus a blind person trying to date a blind person? Is personal 
gloaming a big deal for this? Have you guy gone through 
experiences like that, whether you decide to date someone who is 
sighted or who is blind? I know this might seem quite obvious, 
but I understand that, unfair or fair as it might seem, sighted 
people, the first thing they look at, is how you look. They first 
look at you visually and they know immediately whether to stick 
with one or not.
Any thoughts? Opinions? experiences? questions?

Cheers,  Humberto

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