[Blindtlk] Tips In Dealing With Family Members

Mon Dec 30 15:00:38 UTC 2013

I remember when my Granny was still alive. For a while, after I'd first been
living on my own and becoming more independent, I used to get frustrated
when I visited Granny and she still wanted to cut things for me, my steak,
my waffles, whatever it was. Granny and I were very close, as I lived with
her a few years in childhood, almost a surrogate mother for me. Then I
noticed how Granny tried to wait on everyone, not just me. She'd serve
anyone; she would fix Dad's coffee with just the amount of cream and sugar
he liked, she'd try to get up and go to the fridge to get someone else a
glass of milk or water or whatever. It was just her, a caretaker to all whom
she loved. Maybe she worried a lot about me, but there were reasons stemming
from things in my childhood and family having nothing to do with blindness.
Once I realized she liked waiting on anyone, I stopped fussing over a little
unneeded help cutting things and just enjoyed the time with Granny. And what
I'd give to have her fussing over me now. Not that all family over helping
should just be accepted, but there's a time to just sit back and let people
do things, especially when you realize they just do things for all their
children, or grandchildren.

Sherry

-----Original Message-----
From: blindtlk [mailto:blindtlk-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Gary Wunder
Sent: Monday, December 30, 2013 7:19 AM
To: 'Blind Talk Mailing List'
Subject: Re: [Blindtlk] Tips In Dealing With Family Members

Dear Nicholas:

I like most of the advice you have been given, and I'm not at all sure that
I have anything that will go beyond it.  Still, I'd like to give it a try.

When I left home, I adopted, over time, a whole new idea of what it meant to
be blind.  I became more mobile, did things that did not require the
assistance of my parents, my brothers, or my sisters, and learned that many
things I thought would always be difficult turned out to be quite simple.
When I left home I thought that the solution to learning a new area, any new
area, was to call the state agency for the blind and ask for help from the
mobility instructor.  In my first semester at college, one of my blind
friends asked me if I would like to go out and get lost.  He wasn't asking
that I leave the premises, but he was offering to join me in a little
adventure.  I understood his good intention, but I asked him why we would
want to go and get lost.  He said it was because finding our way back would
be both fun and challenging.  I said okay, and we did.  This same gentleman
taught me that I need not wait for the mobility instructor when we came to
the next semester, but that I should hire someone as a reader to walk with
me to the several buildings where my classes would be held.  I did this,
took notes, and, when I was to report to my first classes, I knew where to
go.  Now I won't tell you that my anxiety level was in higher on day one
than it was on day 12, but I made it and made it fine.

I relate all of this because my parents and my brothers and sister were not
a party to any of this.  They knew I was away at college, that eventually I
finished college and got a job, and that my volunteer work caused me to
travel around the country independently.  This, however, did not equate in
their minds to dealing any differently with the brother they had always
known and helped. There was this fellow who did things by himself and they
would tell his story again and again, but it didn't figure much into the
brother who returned home and the patterns that existed before I left.

I'm now 58 years old.  There are times when I get up to get a glass of tea
and six people will yell to ask what I need.  Four of them will be on their
feet to help me.

I see my family infrequently enough that I choose not to make a big deal of
this.  It does not change how I feel about myself, for I have plenty of
opportunity to be the independent person I want to be.

One poster in response to your questions made the comment that blindness is
not the only thing that people misunderstand about those who are their
family members.  I remember watching the situation television comedy Rhoda
in the 1970s in which she told one of her friends she was afraid to go back
home because her mother so treated her like a child that, were she to spend
the night, she was afraid she would wake up in diapers.  This is of course
an exaggeration meant for a situation comedy, but I think our parents do
like to remember us the way we were and always see their role as one of
caretaking.  

Sometimes family members are the ones whose minds are most difficult to
change.  It is hard for you to teach me something if I think I already know
all I need to know about it, and, after all, your parents have spent almost
two decades raising you. Teach where you can, but try not to let your need
to teach interfere with enjoying the people you love. Teach by example, but
don't worry if the teaching doesn't take.  

I suggest that you figure out what needs you want met by family and what
needs you want met outside the family.  If I have a technical question about
computers, I am much more likely to turn to Steve Jacobson or Mike Freeman
or Curtis Chong for an answer.  If I have a question about music, I turned
to my friend Julie McGinnity.  If I am worried about the health of my
father, I don't talk to any of these people, but I go to the folks who know
and care, for this is what I share with them.  Figure out what you need, and
then figure out where to get it.  Don't spend your time panning for gold in
your shower.  Okay, I stole that from Dave Barry.

Warmly,

Gary

P.S. it may be that you would rather talk about this than write about it.
If so, feel free to give me a call at 573-874-1774.

GW
-----Original Message-----
From: blindtlk [mailto:blindtlk-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Nicholas
Sent: Saturday, December 28, 2013 5:20 PM
To: il-talk at nfbnet.org; blindtlk at nfbnet.org
Subject: [Blindtlk] Tips In Dealing With Family Members

Hi, 

I know I post when I need advice, and I need to try to share experiences,
but do any of you have tips on dealing with family members who don't get it?
By it I mean blindness and the fact that we are humans who deserve
independence like anyone else.  Both sides of my family seem to think that
my independence means that my love for them has decreased because I don't
let them dictate my life anymore.  Training and the NFB has shown me that
the blind can serve as equal when given an opportunity.  I have changed but
they have not.  I'm not sure they ever will.  I don't want to cut all ties
with them, but feel liberated when I am not around them and sucked down when
I am.  However, I keep going back to them for advice and "normal" stuff.
However, when I seek empathy I don't get it.  I willingly take your help,
and won't respond until I cool down.  I am known to allow my feelings to get
the best of me.  Thanks for your help.  I plan to thank those who respond in
a couple of days.

Nicholas S. Robertson, MBA
Phone: 641.660.2475
Email: robertson.nicholas at hotmail.com
            nicholas.robertson2 at va.gov

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