[Blindtlk] visually impaired married to a sighted
Sean Paul
newsandtraffic at aol.com
Mon Mar 18 12:08:24 UTC 2013
Heyya Ericka:
I am currently on my second marriage, both of my wives are & have been
sighted. I'll say that the reason that my first marriage didn't work,
probably could be blamed on the fact that she & I married much to young &
that both of us could be blamed for much which happened in the 14 years of
marriage that followed. In other words. I'm not saying it's because I
couldn't see & she could or she just didn't understand me, what a visually
impaired person goes through, or, I couldn't understand the sighted world,
etc. I'd say neither of us could understand the other & it had nothing to do
with sight or not. Then children came & we tried to make it work for those
children as long as we could until we both figured out that we were doing
the children more worse by staying together rather than moving on. I'll say
that in my many years of dating both before & between marriages, I've only
dated 1 visually impaired young lady. &, that relationship was short lived.
That wasn't a conscious decision that I made or didn't make, it was the way
that things went for me. Even going to a blind school & dating whilst in
highschool, it was always this way for me. I think the major issue here is a
communication issue. Sounds like to me that both of you need to sit down &
talk this out. Tell him how you feel & listen to how he feels. I'll say
this. Both of my wives have been mostly understanding about most things. Of
course, they're more than glad to let me clean, do dishes, laundry, etc.
Yes, transpertation is & will always be an issue for those of us who are
visually impaired. It doesn't matter whether you live in a large city or
small town. However, it's much harder when you live in a small town. I don't
currently, however I did for 4 years, population 1217... Tough sledding for
sure. However, even living in a larger city has its transpertation
challenges. I've often found in my 20 years in radio doing news reporting.
That in most cities if you live on a good bus line you also live on a high
crime line. It's just the way that it is. I'd suggest you explain to your
husband that you have to take rides where you can get them. Meaning that if
it's him, it's him, if it's a friend a church member, it is what it is. If
he has an issue with you taking rides with others, find out why this is some
sort of an issue & come to a resolution on that issue. I currently live in a
fairly large city but transpertation is still a rather large issue for me.
&, it was even when I lived in much larger cities than this 1. I made it
very clear to my current wife before we were married whilst we were still
dating that I didn't want to or would not move out where I at least did not
have access to a taxi cab service. I hate using them because of their
expense however, I at least still want that option if I need it. I do not
currently live exactly on a bus line however if I need to get to the bus
line, it's relatively close down the street to get it & I'm very farmilular
with the system itself & sit on the public transpertation board for the bus
service. I also have access to the door to door service however, getting
that in a pintch is about as painful as seeing the dentist for a root canal.
Since I have to go to such things as City Councel meetings, court trials,
press conferences, as part of my job. I'm always in need of some sort of
transpertation & somehow I've always made it work. & in all actuallity, I
rely very little on my sighted wife for such. I'd say the only thing I've
relied & rely on her for transpertation for is the things which we do
together such as going to eat, shopping, out, etc. I've just completed going
back to school & whilst I was in school I did rely on her a little more than
I had at other times. But, we've only been married 2.5 years currently. I
also explained to her whilst we were dating & before we were married that I
didn't want to rely strictly on her for transpertation. I made it very clear
to her that I wasn't marrying her for her eyes, her car, etc. I let her know
early on in our relationship that I needed to do as much for myself as I
could & that if I needed her asistance with something that I'd let her know.
&, I also let her know that if she needed my asistance with something to let
me know. Always keep in mind that marriage is like playing a team sport.
Find out what each of your strengths & weaknesses are & use them. In other
words, pull the rope the same way. If you've not been married long,
sometimes this takes some getting used to.
As far as picking up goes. That'll never change, just get used to it best
you can. They're used to living in a sighted world & you can't expect them
to change totally here. You can ask for change & perhaps in time they will
change some, but, don't sit around & wait on it. They're used to getting the
salt out of the cabinet & putting it back where they want it to go, if it
gets put back at all, &, you have to find it. Why it's a real good idea to
mark things so that you know what it is... Or, just do like I do & don't eat
salt... Yes, that was meant to be funny & I hope that it was taken as
such...
As far as bills go. Try to get as many of them paperless as you can. In
other words, get as many of them online as you're able to so you then have
access to them. That's what we do around here. I handle all of the bill pay
& that's my choice. No, I didn't say that Kim doesn't put her money in to
pay them. I just pay them either on line or by calling them in. By going as
paperless as you can, that helps solve the issue with the mail. I get very
little in the way of actual paper mail &, I'm perfectly fine with that...
Should I get a piece of mail, she has no issue at all reading that to me.
I'd say in the past year I've probably only gotten 5 pieces of paper mail in
the mail. &, I'd say that if they didn't get read to me, that was their
losse, not mine... But, most of what I need doesn't come in the mail, it
comes in an email so I can sit down and either read it or if it's just a
notification of the fact that the bill is ready, I can go to the site & read
it.
As far as checks go. We don't use them unless we absolutly have to. We do as
much on line as we can & both have our paychecks direct depossited in to our
checking accounts & move them around as we need to. This insures that checks
don't get lost, fall in the wrong hands, etc.
As far as a credit card goes. Ask him to read you the numbers from all of
the cards that either both of you or you or he have & either write them down
on an app which you have on like an iPhone if you have such or in notepad,
etc on your computer. We have my debit card, her debit card & our debit card
which of course has different numbers on each one of them. We also have
paypal master cards for both of our paypal accounts. So, I've written all of
those numbers down so that I have access to them at any time that I want. I
personally use evernote so I have access to this information whether I'm on
my computer at home, work, my iPhone, etc. I've also taken down such
information and stored it in this evernote such as bank account numbers as
we both have separate checking accounts as well as a joint checking account.
Her SSN number, her drivers license number, the medication that she takes,
her insurance number, allergies, medical issues, and much much more. &,
since she also uses evernote, she's done the same for me. Not only does this
give us access to each others information for handling bills, it also gives
us access to that information should we need it in an emergency, one of us
becomes incapacitated , etc. One of the things which we've done as we both
have access to a notebook which is what evernote calls folders. &, we add
things that we need to make the other aware of if we've not sat down &
talked about it, such as doctors appointments, work schedule changes, a
certain bill paid on a certain day, something needed at the store, what
types of light bulbs go in the light bar in the bathroom, etc. Most of these
things do get talked about. However, we'll still put them down so as not to
forget things which happens when you're pushing 40 as I'm doing... &, she's
already pushed over it... &, we both make it a regular habbit to check our
joint notebook. Technoligy is your friend here. Put it to good use when &
where you can. It sounds like to me that you're in the process of learning
some of this technoligy type stuff as well as braille. Once you get a better
handle on those things getting some organization going should be a bit
easier for you to get a handle on. Such as marking things, getting things
written down so that you have access to them, getting your bills on the
computer, etc.
If he's not willing to read things to you or has some sort of issue helping
you get this sort of organization going. I'm afraid you've an issue that
this list can't help you solve.
Again, in closing, I'd suggest you & he really sit down & have a come to
whatever meetin'. I'm not sure how long you've been married but one thing
I'd say that I've learned over my many years on this here earth is that
marriage is kind of like running a business at times. Sometimes you've just
gotta sit down & have staff meetings, throw it all out on the table & figure
it out. In other words, talk, talk & talk some more. I'm also not sure how
old you & he are but I've also found out that as I age some of this does
become a bit easier as the other person ages with you. If I can be of any
further assistance to you, please feel free to write me off list at
newsandtraffic at aol.com I'd also like to apologize to all for the length of
this email. But, I hope that perhaps some of my ideas & ways of handling
things will serve to help others as well & perhaps I'll even find ideas that
work better for me in my work flow as well.
Sean Paul
----- Original Message -----
From: "Mari Hunziker" <marihunziker at gmail.com>
To: "Blind Talk Mailing List" <blindtlk at nfbnet.org>
Sent: Friday, March 15, 2013 23:00
Subject: Re: [Blindtlk] visually impaired married to a sighted
HI Ericka,
I can totally relate. I am legally blind, low to high partical depending on
the day as well married to a sighted man. We have been married for 15 and a
half years and it has taken us a very long time to figure it out. I'd even
say we are still learning how to deal with it each day. I too live in a
small town in Texas with no transportation. I must rely on neighbors,
friends, church members or my husband. He was in school fro the last 8
years - gone from 7am till about 11pm. I had to find the courage to ask
someone for a ride. He just graduated in December and he is available a
little more to help drive me around to get errands done. I've learned that
I don't ever get to do what I want to do. Now that we have kids their needs
come first. Grocery shopping, clothes, shoe, school supply shopping and
then anything else that needs to get done. I have learned to plan and that
actually took a while to develop since I am not a very organized person
when it comes to meal planning. But my friends from church turned me onto a
great monthly planner that does all the work for you. You just follow the
steps and viola a sensational meal is ready in minutes. I have attached it
here for you and anyone on the list to take and copy. Take a look I think
its great. It provides a great example of what to do if you want to change
up the recipes to. Its called Month of Menus!. About the blind and sighted
thing. There is a Department of Blind Services in your state.
http://www.dhs.wisconsin.gov/blind/ There are several links with
information on Adjustment skills, Adaptive Equipment, Blindness Education,
Rehabilitation Teaching Services, Resources and Information, etc. Take a
look at the link above and call to get some assistance. It will make a huge
difference. Also, I am happy to talk or email off list. Let me know if
you'd like my info and if you'd like to chat off line. Good luck and God
Bless. Life is challenging, but we are all here to help each other through
it.
Thanks,
Mari Hunziker
On Fri, Mar 15, 2013 at 8:07 PM, Ericka J. Short
<ericka.short at att.net>wrote:
> I know we usually talk about computers, or philosophy here, but I think
> this is an important topic. I just wondered what kind of things people
> have
> done to make their sighted spouse understand the disability thing. The
> biggest part of things for us is that we have horrible transit here in
> Kenosha and so it’s difficult to independently travel alone. My husband
> just doesn’t know what to do about this. I take rides with friends or
> people from church at times, but some things I want to ride with my
> husband
> to together. He either feels like he should be my only transportation or
> not at all. It’s driving me batty! Another really big issue is the fact
> I
> need things organized (not necessarily good at that however) to be more
> independent. If he’s going to be all male and dump everything in piles
> all over the house for me to trip over every once in a while, then he can’t
> get mad at me for a bill not getting paid, a lost check or his the credit
> card. Mine you there is no may to read a credit card number on a cctv.
> I just can’t do it. He seems to think he should “know” how to handle
> it
> and dosent realize that some people have vision that doesn’t stay
> stable. Being a partial it is really difficult to explain. Some days I
> can see better than others for example.
>
> I use my cane lots of the time outside the house and sometimes at church.
> Once I learn the set up of a place I don[‘t have to ask any more
> questions
> usually than the average sighted person. I can’t read print or use a
> monocular for a lot of outside things or indoors either for that matter.
> I
> do use strong reading glasses a lot. I am learning braille but I”ve been
> a print user all l my life with minimal computer skills and even less
> income Help! I feel like I’m in the twilight zone of sight as it is and
> can see why he’d be frustrated. I am too!
>
> Ericka
> _______________________________________________
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--
*Have A Blessed Day!
Mari Hunziker
512-670-9950 home
512-587-1463 cell
*
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