[Blindtlk] relationships was Hobbies?

Sat Mar 30 17:18:48 UTC 2013

Peter,

I think you need to take a hard look at your relationship.  You're being 
treated like a child and that's not right.  Unfortunately, I don't think it 
will be easy to change, since it's been allowed to go on this way for 
several years.  But, if you really want to be an equal partner in your 
relationship, you need to start to speak up for yourself; make your position 
known and take the lead to make things change.  Go ahead and cook 
something...not just cold food.  If you can't change things in this current 
relationship, it might mean ending this and setting new ground rules when 
you begin another.

Cindy

-----Original Message----- 
From: Peter Wolfe
Sent: Saturday, March 30, 2013 12:17 PM
To: Blind Talk Mailing List
Subject: Re: [Blindtlk] relationships was Hobbies?

Julie,

    Thanks for writing back to me on this issue. I just feel so alone
even with my weekly counseling that its not enough to speak on what is
going on in my mind. She won't even let me makeup the bed stating that
girls love to do that stuff not men. I feel like I'm stuck in time
like fifty or more years ago and want to go back to the rainbow world
again. I'm trying to decide now on going for the recent NFB-Talk list
announcement for gateway interns for the Veterns Administration or
just a month of training, then a three month temporary paid one as
well. I'm always conflicted on how to feel just its hard to know how I
feel anymore.

Thanks,
Peter

On 3/30/13, Julie J. <julielj at neb.rr.com> wrote:
> Peter,
>
> I don't know.  It doesn't sound healthy to me, but if it's working for you
> then that is your business.
>
> How my husband and I do things here is that most everything has a place or 
> a
>
> reasonable number of possible places where stuff goes.  Take the food for
> example, I can reasonably expect to find the ketchup in the refrigerator,
> however there is no absolute specific place in there for it.  So I look in
> the door first, then way back on the middle shelves.  If I can't find it
> there I'll check in the cabinet for an unopened bottle.  If it's no where
> then I will ask the other family members if they finished the last bottle
> and we forgot to buy more.  Ketchup is just an example.  For the most part
> this is how it works around here.
>
> If someone moves the stuff belonging to another person the move is
> communicated.  My son picked up my shoes from the living room and put them
> away for me this morning.  Yesterday I moved his backpack.  If anyone has
> left a crazy large amount of their stuff lying around, I ask that person 
> to
>
> get it cleaned up or ask where the stuff goes and put it there myself.
>
> My family does not tell me what I can or can't do.  If I am talking about
> doing something particularly dense they will kindly point out the possible
> problems with my plan.  For example, my garden.  My husband is a farmer, 
> so
>
> he knows about growing things.  So when I have these grand garden plans 
> and
>
> he says that there might not be enough sun in that spot or that the soil
> will not drain properly, I have learned to listen to him.   However if I
> really wanted my garden in the shady poor soil place, he wouldn't stop me.
>
> We both go and do our separate things each day.  Generally we review the
> days schedule the night before or early in the morning before he sets out.
> He does his thing and I do mine.  If we are doing something together we 
> try
>
> to plan that so neither of us has to reschedule our individual plans.
>
> If my plans will affect his plans then I ask very nicely if he will be 
> able
>
> to help or alter his schedule or whatever I need, with the understanding
> that he isn't obligated.  For example in two weeks I have a three day
> conference out of town.  I will take my guide dog but my older dog will be
> staying here.  I asked if he and my teen age son could work out between 
> them
>
> the care and feeding of the dog.  He is a farmer and planting is coming up
> shortly, if he wasn't able to help with the dog care, I would have made
> arrangements for her to go to the dog sitter lady's house.  I appreciate 
> his
>
> flexibility and willingness to help, but I recognize that he has other
> obligations.
>
> Sometimes he will recognize a situation that may be difficult for me 
> because
>
> of my blindness and offer his help.  The thing that comes to mind is when 
> it
>
> is super windy.  I'm talking about 40 mph and over winds.  I have a lot of
> trouble hearing traffic well enough to cross some streets.  He will offer 
> to
>
> drive me.  I'm sure it brings him peace of mind knowing I'm safe, but if I
> refused his help he wouldn't forbid me to leave the house or cross those
> streets.
>
> It's just what works for us.  Other people do things differently.  As long
> as everyone involved is satisfied with the arrangements, then that's all
> that matters.
>
> Julie
>
>
> -----Original Message-----
> From: Peter Wolfe
> Sent: Saturday, March 30, 2013 9:35 AM
> To: Blind Talk Mailing List
> Subject: Re: [Blindtlk] Hobbies?
>
> Julie,
>
>
>
>     Whas your experience been with the talking meat therometer? I
> bought one but wasn't allowed to use it to cook with. I really miss
> cooking for six years that my life has been like denied rights of
> cooking just cold meals is all I'm allowed to do like simple salads,
> sandwiches, tuna and peanut butter crap. I like cooking cause it
> allows me to be the little helper who I like to be in the house just
> can't in this realtionship.
>
>
>
>     I have a question in inner personal relationships for everyone to
> consider on my situation. What would you say after numerous attempts
> of trying to find something that has been moved everywhere that your
> partner says "As soon as we move to somewhere new so that everything
> isn't moved all the time then you can be more independent". This has
> happened to me for four going on five years of relentless controls on
> everything even my messages and riffling through my laptop. I don't
> seem to have any privacy, however, age might play a role cause they
> are twice as old as me. Nobody should be treating someone like an
> animal like arguing to go to stores or insisting maybe pleading to
> attend me wherever I go on paratransit. I'm just so tired of all this
> and have no where to go from here with numerous other medical
> obligations like dental and savings to do that I can't afford yet to
> move. By the way, this is all because I cheated on her with a man like
> a year and a half ago and she thinks that I'm mentally ill for being
> gay. Tired just tired of her damn nephew saying gay jokes about me
> just ridicule doesn't put its right name on it just horrible.
>
>
> sad,
> Peter
>
> On 3/30/13, Julie J. <julielj at neb.rr.com> wrote:
>> Peter,
>>
>> I cook on the stovetop nearly daily.   I prefer to bake, but I think
>> that's
>>
>> because I enjoy cookies and cakes more than meat and vegetables!
>> Seriously
>>
>> though, I haven't found cooking particularly difficult as a blind person.
>> Most things I determine doneness by their texture or smell.  Meat smells
>> different when it's browned.  I cook vegetables until they feel soft, but
>> not soggy, when poked with the wooden spoon.  Same thing with pasta,
>> although I usually eat a noodle to double check.  I really don't like
>> underdone pasta.
>>
>> To drain noodles I place the strainer in the sink in a corner so it won't
>> slide around.  then I slowly pour into the strainer.  My husband, who is
>> sighted, prefers to use the type of strainer spatula thingy that you hold
>> against the edge of the pan and pour through.  I don't have enough hand
>> strength to do it this way because you have to be able to hold the pan
>> with
>>
>> only one hand.  the other is holding the spatula strainer.
>>
>> I've been buying hamburger directly from the butcher for several years
>> now.
>>
>> The meat is very lean and rarely is there enough fat that it needs to be
>> drained.  However in the days of grocery store hamburger, I would use
>> paper
>>
>> towels to absorb the excess fat.  There are lots of ways to remove the
>> extra
>>
>> fat.  the paper towels are just what I find easiest.
>>
>> For flipping I generally use a standard spatula.  although if I
>> anticipate
>> that the contents of the pan might splatter or the grease might pop a 
>> lot,
>>
>> I
>>
>> prefer to use tongs.  They give me more control and a firm grip on the
>> piece
>>
>> of meat.  For flipping things like eggs or pancakes, the trick is to flip
>> fast.
>>
>> We are just moving into spring and our meals will get lighter with more
>> fresh ingredients.  For most of the winter we eat things like: beef stew,
>> pot roast, chili, chicken and dumplings, spaghetti and variations on
>> these.
>>
>> In the summer we'll eat a lot more grilled meats and sautéed vegetables.
>>
>> I have grilled numerous times independently.  It really isn't that much
>> different from stovetop cooking.  Getting your heat source going is
>> different, of course, but the actual cooking isn't all that different.
>> Then
>>
>> again I learned to cook on a gas stove, so maybe grilling doesn't bother
>> me
>>
>> because I'm comfortable with the open flame. I'd suggest starting with
>> steak, pork chops or bigger pieces of chicken.  Decent sizes of meat that
>> won't roll and won't fall down inside your grill are easiest.  If you
>> grill
>>
>> vegetables, try putting them in foil or using a grill basket.
>>
>> I think if I get my garden bed preparation done, I'm going to make a
>> carrot
>>
>> cake this afternoon.  I'm thinking we'll have Shepherd's Pie for supper
>> to
>> use up a lot of the vegetables in the refrigerator. And I agree with you
>> cooking and cleaning are basic life skills everyone should know
>> regardless
>> of gender roles.  My son actually wants to be a restaurant owner.  He's
>> turning out to be a very good cook.  When I met my husband he only knew
>> how
>>
>> to grill and make frozen pizza.  It's been 9 years, but he does have
>> enough
>>
>> skill in the kitchen now that he would be okay if something happened to
>> me.
>>
>> We had to find that out the hard way when I broke my foot.  Microwave
>> dinners are not nearly as tasty as the commercials lead one to believe!
>>
>> It concerns me when you say that your partner won't let you cook or clean
>> and that your yoga pants were taken away.  I don't know your situation
>> and
>> I'm not trying to be judgmental in any way.  I'm saying this to you
>> because
>>
>> I value you as a person.  the kind of control you are describing seems
>> abusive to me.   Please take care of yourself.  There are organizations
>> that
>>
>> can help.  Please reach out and let people help you.
>>
>> Julie
>>
>>
>>
>>
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>
>
> --
> Cordially,
> Peter Q Wolfe, BA
> cum laude Auburn University
> e-mail: yogabare13 at gmail.com
> "If you don't stand up for something your willing to fall for anything"
> Peter Q Wolfe
> "Stand up for your rights"
> Bob Marley
>
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-- 
Cordially,
Peter Q Wolfe, BA
cum laude Auburn University
e-mail: yogabare13 at gmail.com
"If you don't stand up for something your willing to fall for anything"
Peter Q Wolfe
"Stand up for your rights"
Bob Marley

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