[Blindtlk] Being Disrespected: How to Handle

Wed Oct 1 02:23:12 UTC 2014

Hi all,
It's nice to know I'm not the only one who can have extremely deep,
intelligent conversations with my mother and yet still feel babied in
her presence. The tricky thing is that I have a sighted sister and she
babies me in ways she doesn't and didn't with my sister. For example,
she doesn't buy my sister clothes all the time, and if we're both home
she will occasionally ask my sister for help around the house (like
getting ready for entertaining guests) but only asks me to help with
menial things. She will sometimes also lecture me about visual things
I already know about and sometimes wants to manage things like my
hairstyle etc. When we were kids, it was especially difficult. I
recall having to promise my mom that I would not climb the monkey bars
in grade school because she was so worried, for example, but my sister
got to climb all over the place on the playground.
My sister is older in addition to being sighted so it's always been
hard to tell what is blindness and what is being the younger child.
Ironically, she has always kind of wanted our parents to take care of
her more and I think has always felt a little jealous of how I am
treated in the family, whereas I have always wanted nothing more than
to grow up and be respected (and left alone) by my parents. Some of
this is typical firstborn v. secondborn dynamics, but I have often
thought our family would be much closer if my sister and I had
switched bodies and birth order.
I think my marriage has helped a lot because my mom feels like
somebody else sighted is caring for me (even though I care for him
too) and has lightened up a bit. It's also nice having him around for
a little buffer when we visit. And it's not like things are bad; for
the most part we get along well but there are these occasional
incidents that remind me of where I stand in the family.
Arielle

On 9/30/14, justin williams via blindtlk <blindtlk at nfbnet.org> wrote:
> I'm with you Brandon, there maybe some natural parental ankst, but the
> blindness makes it a lot more intense; put  your foot down, but be nice.
> It
> is your castle however.
>
> -----Original Message-----
> From: blindtlk [mailto:blindtlk-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Brandon A.
> Olivares via blindtlk
> Sent: Tuesday, September 30, 2014 9:24 PM
> To: Cindy Ray; Blind Talk Mailing List
> Subject: Re: [Blindtlk] Being Disrespected: How to Handle
>
> Indeed some odd stories. But as Cindy says, I think it is based on
> blindness. There’s a lot of history I haven’t mentioned. It wasn’t until I
> was in college that I really learned how to start being independent, and
> still it took meeting my now wife to get a lot better at it. My mother just
> preferred to do everything for me. Sure I have some responsibility in that,
> but the point is that there was always some codling going on.
>
> On Sep 30, 2014, at 8:48 PM, Cindy Ray via blindtlk <blindtlk at nfbnet.org>
> wrote:
>
>> That is truly bizarre. However, I suspect that Brandon's situation was
> more based on blindness though, of course, there is no real way to prove
> that, especially since Brandon is an only child I think.
>> Cindy
>>
>> On Sep 30, 2014, at 7:16 PM, Judy Jones via blindtlk
>> <blindtlk at nfbnet.org>
> wrote:
>>
>>> So true.  This seems to be more about parents and their relationships
> with their adult children.
>>>
>>> I'm about to mention incidents with sighted children and parents.
>>>
>>> We actually know a couple here in the area, three wonderful sons.  The
> middle one finally got married this past summer, and has left the nest.
> But
> the other two range from mid-twenties to mid-thirties.  For whatever
> reason,
> they manage seemingly to stay under their parents' thumb.  Both are still
> living at home, although would like to get out and have a place of their
> own.  Both are working.  Money is not a problem for the parents, but they
> have burdened the nice loving guys with their care and responsibilities,
> and
> trying to run their lives.
>>>
>>> The parents themselves are, believe it or not, nice to be around and
> relate to.  It's just the relationship with their sons that is so
> different.
> The guys are very hesitant to strike out on their own.  When the middle one
> got married, there were all kinds of reprocussions with the parents, but
> fortunately, he and his wife are living in another town.
>>>
>>> The most bizarre parent/adult child relationship I've ever heard of was
> in listening to a Focus On The Family broadcast several years ago.  The
> topic of that particular show happened to be relationships.  And an extreme
> letter was read over the air, with permission, by an adult child who lived
> at home with his parents.  He stated that his parents would still spank him
> when they saw any difference of opinion as rebellion.  Very bizarre.
>>>
>>> Judy
>>>
>>> -----Original Message----- From: Gary Wunder via blindtlk
>>> Sent: Tuesday, September 30, 2014 9:47 AM
>>> To: 'Brandon A. Olivares' ; 'Blind Talk Mailing List'
>>> Subject: Re: [Blindtlk] Being Disrespected: How to Handle
>>>
>>> Hello, Brandon. I am fifty-nine years old, and though I know that my
>>> parents respect me very much, I still don't have the same kind of
>>> relationship with them that I do with friends and other family
>>> members. They are parents. They are used to caretaking. They are
>>> absolutely certain I need their advice. It doesn't matter whether the
>>> advice has to do with a cobweb they think I don't know about or how
>>> my grandson buys too much at the store and how they helped me by putting
> some of the things from the shopping basket back on the shelf.
>>>
>>> I notice that I am speaking of my parents as they, although my mother
>>> died about six years ago. When she came to my house it was not
>>> uncommon for her to walk around with a paper towel grabbing up dog
>>> hair. It didn't even matter that my father laughed at her for doing
>>> it. She was going to be helpful.
>>>
>>> I don't know how we do it, but I think many of us figure out that
>>> relationships with parents are never going to be relationships among
> equals.
>>> My father believes that I can write far better than he can. He thinks
>>> that I have people skills that are better than his. But he still
>>> thinks I am naïve when it comes to matters of race, gender, politics,
>>> how to spend money, how to discipline children, and what is involved
>>> in having a marriage where the man is the man and the woman is the
>>> woman. Most certainly I tolerate comments and behavior from my father
>>> that I would not tolerate from anyone else. There are things that I
>>> let go by without arguing that I would go to the mat with others about.
>>>
>>> None of this deals with your question about the house except to say
>>> that perhaps the most kind, loving, and helpful parents can at times
>>> be high maintenance. I remember what I regard as a particularly funny
>>> line from a situation comedy that I saw almost 40 years ago. A young
>>> woman tells a friend that she is afraid to go home and spend the
>>> night with her parents because her mom is such a caretaker that the
>>> main character is afraid that she would wake up in the morning to
>>> find herself in diapers. This is obviously an exaggerated situation
>>> comedy that has nothing to do with blindness but everything to do
>>> with parents finding it hard to regard their offspring as truly
> independent adults.
>>>
>>> Warmly,
>>>
>>> Gary
>>>
>>>
>>>
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>>
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