[Blindtlk] Being Disrespected: How to Handle

Wed Oct 1 04:22:20 UTC 2014

Hi Arielle,
I am a middle child, and both my sisters are sighted. My younger sister is about 5 and a half years younger than I am, and sometimes she treats me like a parent would treat a child. for example, she would tell me not to do something: not ask but tell me. She would also feel obligated to cook me dinner if my parents were home before I got married. I would decline and she respected me enough to not bug me, but I totally understand. I feel she is the older sister when I actually am.

On the other hand, my older sister has such a short fuse with me. If I do one little thing, she snaps and yells at me like I am a kid. Mind you, she is 10 years older than I, but she doesn’t treat my other sister that way. We have a better relationship long-distance, and that is fine…so it’s funny you say that about your sighted sister because I go through the same thing and I am 24 years old lol.

Christine
On Sep 30, 2014, at 10:23 PM, Arielle Silverman via blindtlk <blindtlk at nfbnet.org> wrote:

> Hi all,
> It's nice to know I'm not the only one who can have extremely deep,
> intelligent conversations with my mother and yet still feel babied in
> her presence. The tricky thing is that I have a sighted sister and she
> babies me in ways she doesn't and didn't with my sister. For example,
> she doesn't buy my sister clothes all the time, and if we're both home
> she will occasionally ask my sister for help around the house (like
> getting ready for entertaining guests) but only asks me to help with
> menial things. She will sometimes also lecture me about visual things
> I already know about and sometimes wants to manage things like my
> hairstyle etc. When we were kids, it was especially difficult. I
> recall having to promise my mom that I would not climb the monkey bars
> in grade school because she was so worried, for example, but my sister
> got to climb all over the place on the playground.
> My sister is older in addition to being sighted so it's always been
> hard to tell what is blindness and what is being the younger child.
> Ironically, she has always kind of wanted our parents to take care of
> her more and I think has always felt a little jealous of how I am
> treated in the family, whereas I have always wanted nothing more than
> to grow up and be respected (and left alone) by my parents. Some of
> this is typical firstborn v. secondborn dynamics, but I have often
> thought our family would be much closer if my sister and I had
> switched bodies and birth order.
> I think my marriage has helped a lot because my mom feels like
> somebody else sighted is caring for me (even though I care for him
> too) and has lightened up a bit. It's also nice having him around for
> a little buffer when we visit. And it's not like things are bad; for
> the most part we get along well but there are these occasional
> incidents that remind me of where I stand in the family.
> Arielle
> 
> On 9/30/14, justin williams via blindtlk <blindtlk at nfbnet.org> wrote:
>> I'm with you Brandon, there maybe some natural parental ankst, but the
>> blindness makes it a lot more intense; put  your foot down, but be nice.
>> It
>> is your castle however.
>> 
>> -----Original Message-----
>> From: blindtlk [mailto:blindtlk-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Brandon A.
>> Olivares via blindtlk
>> Sent: Tuesday, September 30, 2014 9:24 PM
>> To: Cindy Ray; Blind Talk Mailing List
>> Subject: Re: [Blindtlk] Being Disrespected: How to Handle
>> 
>> Indeed some odd stories. But as Cindy says, I think it is based on
>> blindness. There’s a lot of history I haven’t mentioned. It wasn’t until I
>> was in college that I really learned how to start being independent, and
>> still it took meeting my now wife to get a lot better at it. My mother just
>> preferred to do everything for me. Sure I have some responsibility in that,
>> but the point is that there was always some codling going on.
>> 
>> On Sep 30, 2014, at 8:48 PM, Cindy Ray via blindtlk <blindtlk at nfbnet.org>
>> wrote:
>> 
>>> That is truly bizarre. However, I suspect that Brandon's situation was
>> more based on blindness though, of course, there is no real way to prove
>> that, especially since Brandon is an only child I think.
>>> Cindy
>>> 
>>> On Sep 30, 2014, at 7:16 PM, Judy Jones via blindtlk
>>> <blindtlk at nfbnet.org>
>> wrote:
>>> 
>>>> So true.  This seems to be more about parents and their relationships
>> with their adult children.
>>>> 
>>>> I'm about to mention incidents with sighted children and parents.
>>>> 
>>>> We actually know a couple here in the area, three wonderful sons.  The
>> middle one finally got married this past summer, and has left the nest.
>> But
>> the other two range from mid-twenties to mid-thirties.  For whatever
>> reason,
>> they manage seemingly to stay under their parents' thumb.  Both are still
>> living at home, although would like to get out and have a place of their
>> own.  Both are working.  Money is not a problem for the parents, but they
>> have burdened the nice loving guys with their care and responsibilities,
>> and
>> trying to run their lives.
>>>> 
>>>> The parents themselves are, believe it or not, nice to be around and
>> relate to.  It's just the relationship with their sons that is so
>> different.
>> The guys are very hesitant to strike out on their own.  When the middle one
>> got married, there were all kinds of reprocussions with the parents, but
>> fortunately, he and his wife are living in another town.
>>>> 
>>>> The most bizarre parent/adult child relationship I've ever heard of was
>> in listening to a Focus On The Family broadcast several years ago.  The
>> topic of that particular show happened to be relationships.  And an extreme
>> letter was read over the air, with permission, by an adult child who lived
>> at home with his parents.  He stated that his parents would still spank him
>> when they saw any difference of opinion as rebellion.  Very bizarre.
>>>> 
>>>> Judy
>>>> 
>>>> -----Original Message----- From: Gary Wunder via blindtlk
>>>> Sent: Tuesday, September 30, 2014 9:47 AM
>>>> To: 'Brandon A. Olivares' ; 'Blind Talk Mailing List'
>>>> Subject: Re: [Blindtlk] Being Disrespected: How to Handle
>>>> 
>>>> Hello, Brandon. I am fifty-nine years old, and though I know that my
>>>> parents respect me very much, I still don't have the same kind of
>>>> relationship with them that I do with friends and other family
>>>> members. They are parents. They are used to caretaking. They are
>>>> absolutely certain I need their advice. It doesn't matter whether the
>>>> advice has to do with a cobweb they think I don't know about or how
>>>> my grandson buys too much at the store and how they helped me by putting
>> some of the things from the shopping basket back on the shelf.
>>>> 
>>>> I notice that I am speaking of my parents as they, although my mother
>>>> died about six years ago. When she came to my house it was not
>>>> uncommon for her to walk around with a paper towel grabbing up dog
>>>> hair. It didn't even matter that my father laughed at her for doing
>>>> it. She was going to be helpful.
>>>> 
>>>> I don't know how we do it, but I think many of us figure out that
>>>> relationships with parents are never going to be relationships among
>> equals.
>>>> My father believes that I can write far better than he can. He thinks
>>>> that I have people skills that are better than his. But he still
>>>> thinks I am naïve when it comes to matters of race, gender, politics,
>>>> how to spend money, how to discipline children, and what is involved
>>>> in having a marriage where the man is the man and the woman is the
>>>> woman. Most certainly I tolerate comments and behavior from my father
>>>> that I would not tolerate from anyone else. There are things that I
>>>> let go by without arguing that I would go to the mat with others about.
>>>> 
>>>> None of this deals with your question about the house except to say
>>>> that perhaps the most kind, loving, and helpful parents can at times
>>>> be high maintenance. I remember what I regard as a particularly funny
>>>> line from a situation comedy that I saw almost 40 years ago. A young
>>>> woman tells a friend that she is afraid to go home and spend the
>>>> night with her parents because her mom is such a caretaker that the
>>>> main character is afraid that she would wake up in the morning to
>>>> find herself in diapers. This is obviously an exaggerated situation
>>>> comedy that has nothing to do with blindness but everything to do
>>>> with parents finding it hard to regard their offspring as truly
>> independent adults.
>>>> 
>>>> Warmly,
>>>> 
>>>> Gary
>>>> 
>>>> 
>>>> 
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> 
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