[Blindtlk] Being Disrespected: How to Handle

Wed Oct 1 12:31:02 UTC 2014

Danielle,

Wow that’s pretty rude. Sorry you had to go through that. But yeah I know how it is, feeling like I am just in the way no matter what I do. It was a real eye-opener to learn that I could do a lot more than I thought. The funny thing is that my mother says how good of a job she did teaching me.

On Oct 1, 2014, at 12:31 AM, Danielle Antoine via blindtlk <blindtlk at nfbnet.org> wrote:

> I go through the same thing. Like recently one of my aunts gave a baby
> shower for her son and she didn't have anyone to help her decorate. My
> mom mentioned this and I remarked that if she'd asked I'd have been
> glad to help since I am at home all day. My mom quipped, "what are you
> going to do? How you gonna know where the decorations go?? Amazing. I
> was pissed. They never ask me to help with decorating  for events and
> will go out of their way to ask other friends and neighbors and
> complain when no one is available Also, I am not expected to cook or
> bring anything for family gatherings even though I always offer and
> ask. Again I say amazing. I am always usually automatically assumed to
> be a deferral for babysitting unless the children specifically live
> hear and you best believe I ain't getting paid even though I need the
> money. I never noticed this until I came back home without my own kids
> to tend to.
> 
> Danielle
> 
> On 9/30/14, Christine Olivares via blindtlk <blindtlk at nfbnet.org> wrote:
>> Hi Arielle,
>> I am a middle child, and both my sisters are sighted. My younger sister is
>> about 5 and a half years younger than I am, and sometimes she treats me like
>> a parent would treat a child. for example, she would tell me not to do
>> something: not ask but tell me. She would also feel obligated to cook me
>> dinner if my parents were home before I got married. I would decline and she
>> respected me enough to not bug me, but I totally understand. I feel she is
>> the older sister when I actually am.
>> 
>> On the other hand, my older sister has such a short fuse with me. If I do
>> one little thing, she snaps and yells at me like I am a kid. Mind you, she
>> is 10 years older than I, but she doesn't treat my other sister that way. We
>> have a better relationship long-distance, and that is fine...so it's funny you
>> say that about your sighted sister because I go through the same thing and I
>> am 24 years old lol.
>> 
>> Christine
>> On Sep 30, 2014, at 10:23 PM, Arielle Silverman via blindtlk
>> <blindtlk at nfbnet.org> wrote:
>> 
>>> Hi all,
>>> It's nice to know I'm not the only one who can have extremely deep,
>>> intelligent conversations with my mother and yet still feel babied in
>>> her presence. The tricky thing is that I have a sighted sister and she
>>> babies me in ways she doesn't and didn't with my sister. For example,
>>> she doesn't buy my sister clothes all the time, and if we're both home
>>> she will occasionally ask my sister for help around the house (like
>>> getting ready for entertaining guests) but only asks me to help with
>>> menial things. She will sometimes also lecture me about visual things
>>> I already know about and sometimes wants to manage things like my
>>> hairstyle etc. When we were kids, it was especially difficult. I
>>> recall having to promise my mom that I would not climb the monkey bars
>>> in grade school because she was so worried, for example, but my sister
>>> got to climb all over the place on the playground.
>>> My sister is older in addition to being sighted so it's always been
>>> hard to tell what is blindness and what is being the younger child.
>>> Ironically, she has always kind of wanted our parents to take care of
>>> her more and I think has always felt a little jealous of how I am
>>> treated in the family, whereas I have always wanted nothing more than
>>> to grow up and be respected (and left alone) by my parents. Some of
>>> this is typical firstborn v. secondborn dynamics, but I have often
>>> thought our family would be much closer if my sister and I had
>>> switched bodies and birth order.
>>> I think my marriage has helped a lot because my mom feels like
>>> somebody else sighted is caring for me (even though I care for him
>>> too) and has lightened up a bit. It's also nice having him around for
>>> a little buffer when we visit. And it's not like things are bad; for
>>> the most part we get along well but there are these occasional
>>> incidents that remind me of where I stand in the family.
>>> Arielle
>>> 
>>> On 9/30/14, justin williams via blindtlk <blindtlk at nfbnet.org> wrote:
>>>> I'm with you Brandon, there maybe some natural parental ankst, but the
>>>> blindness makes it a lot more intense; put  your foot down, but be nice.
>>>> It
>>>> is your castle however.
>>>> 
>>>> -----Original Message-----
>>>> From: blindtlk [mailto:blindtlk-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Brandon
>>>> A.
>>>> Olivares via blindtlk
>>>> Sent: Tuesday, September 30, 2014 9:24 PM
>>>> To: Cindy Ray; Blind Talk Mailing List
>>>> Subject: Re: [Blindtlk] Being Disrespected: How to Handle
>>>> 
>>>> Indeed some odd stories. But as Cindy says, I think it is based on
>>>> blindness. There's a lot of history I haven't mentioned. It wasn't until
>>>> I
>>>> was in college that I really learned how to start being independent, and
>>>> still it took meeting my now wife to get a lot better at it. My mother
>>>> just
>>>> preferred to do everything for me. Sure I have some responsibility in
>>>> that,
>>>> but the point is that there was always some codling going on.
>>>> 
>>>> On Sep 30, 2014, at 8:48 PM, Cindy Ray via blindtlk
>>>> <blindtlk at nfbnet.org>
>>>> wrote:
>>>> 
>>>>> That is truly bizarre. However, I suspect that Brandon's situation was
>>>> more based on blindness though, of course, there is no real way to prove
>>>> that, especially since Brandon is an only child I think.
>>>>> Cindy
>>>>> 
>>>>> On Sep 30, 2014, at 7:16 PM, Judy Jones via blindtlk
>>>>> <blindtlk at nfbnet.org>
>>>> wrote:
>>>>> 
>>>>>> So true.  This seems to be more about parents and their relationships
>>>> with their adult children.
>>>>>> 
>>>>>> I'm about to mention incidents with sighted children and parents.
>>>>>> 
>>>>>> We actually know a couple here in the area, three wonderful sons.  The
>>>> middle one finally got married this past summer, and has left the nest.
>>>> But
>>>> the other two range from mid-twenties to mid-thirties.  For whatever
>>>> reason,
>>>> they manage seemingly to stay under their parents' thumb.  Both are
>>>> still
>>>> living at home, although would like to get out and have a place of their
>>>> own.  Both are working.  Money is not a problem for the parents, but
>>>> they
>>>> have burdened the nice loving guys with their care and responsibilities,
>>>> and
>>>> trying to run their lives.
>>>>>> 
>>>>>> The parents themselves are, believe it or not, nice to be around and
>>>> relate to.  It's just the relationship with their sons that is so
>>>> different.
>>>> The guys are very hesitant to strike out on their own.  When the middle
>>>> one
>>>> got married, there were all kinds of reprocussions with the parents, but
>>>> fortunately, he and his wife are living in another town.
>>>>>> 
>>>>>> The most bizarre parent/adult child relationship I've ever heard of
>>>>>> was
>>>> in listening to a Focus On The Family broadcast several years ago.  The
>>>> topic of that particular show happened to be relationships.  And an
>>>> extreme
>>>> letter was read over the air, with permission, by an adult child who
>>>> lived
>>>> at home with his parents.  He stated that his parents would still spank
>>>> him
>>>> when they saw any difference of opinion as rebellion.  Very bizarre.
>>>>>> 
>>>>>> Judy
>>>>>> 
>>>>>> -----Original Message----- From: Gary Wunder via blindtlk
>>>>>> Sent: Tuesday, September 30, 2014 9:47 AM
>>>>>> To: 'Brandon A. Olivares' ; 'Blind Talk Mailing List'
>>>>>> Subject: Re: [Blindtlk] Being Disrespected: How to Handle
>>>>>> 
>>>>>> Hello, Brandon. I am fifty-nine years old, and though I know that my
>>>>>> parents respect me very much, I still don't have the same kind of
>>>>>> relationship with them that I do with friends and other family
>>>>>> members. They are parents. They are used to caretaking. They are
>>>>>> absolutely certain I need their advice. It doesn't matter whether the
>>>>>> advice has to do with a cobweb they think I don't know about or how
>>>>>> my grandson buys too much at the store and how they helped me by
>>>>>> putting
>>>> some of the things from the shopping basket back on the shelf.
>>>>>> 
>>>>>> I notice that I am speaking of my parents as they, although my mother
>>>>>> died about six years ago. When she came to my house it was not
>>>>>> uncommon for her to walk around with a paper towel grabbing up dog
>>>>>> hair. It didn't even matter that my father laughed at her for doing
>>>>>> it. She was going to be helpful.
>>>>>> 
>>>>>> I don't know how we do it, but I think many of us figure out that
>>>>>> relationships with parents are never going to be relationships among
>>>> equals.
>>>>>> My father believes that I can write far better than he can. He thinks
>>>>>> that I have people skills that are better than his. But he still
>>>>>> thinks I am naïve when it comes to matters of race, gender, politics,
>>>>>> how to spend money, how to discipline children, and what is involved
>>>>>> in having a marriage where the man is the man and the woman is the
>>>>>> woman. Most certainly I tolerate comments and behavior from my father
>>>>>> that I would not tolerate from anyone else. There are things that I
>>>>>> let go by without arguing that I would go to the mat with others
>>>>>> about.
>>>>>> 
>>>>>> None of this deals with your question about the house except to say
>>>>>> that perhaps the most kind, loving, and helpful parents can at times
>>>>>> be high maintenance. I remember what I regard as a particularly funny
>>>>>> line from a situation comedy that I saw almost 40 years ago. A young
>>>>>> woman tells a friend that she is afraid to go home and spend the
>>>>>> night with her parents because her mom is such a caretaker that the
>>>>>> main character is afraid that she would wake up in the morning to
>>>>>> find herself in diapers. This is obviously an exaggerated situation
>>>>>> comedy that has nothing to do with blindness but everything to do
>>>>>> with parents finding it hard to regard their offspring as truly
>>>> independent adults.
>>>>>> 
>>>>>> Warmly,
>>>>>> 
>>>>>> Gary
>>>>>> 
>>>>>> 
>>>>>> 
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>>>>> 
>>>>> 
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>> 
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