[Blindtlk] Being Disrespected: How to Handle

[Julie J.]

I've read all the other messages in this thread and wanted to add in my 
thoughts.

It is clearly an issue for you and your wife.   I think knowing the reasons 
behind your mom's actions only helps to formulate an solution, not to 
determine whether there is a problem or not.  I think also that sometimes 
there are a lot of reasons why people do things all mixed together.  It 
might be blindness, or you being an only child, or not being able to visit 
frequently or her missing you, or her own need to take care of others, but 
most likely it is all of those things all muddled together and perhaps a 
couple of others we haven't thought of.

What you do about is ultimately up to you.  I do believe it is a big deal 
for you, because you are posting here and asking for suggestions.  If it was 
only a small bother, you'd be able to deal with it or let it go with little 
difficulty.

My best advice is to ask your mom to help you by  communicating with you 
about what she thinks needs to be fixed.   Tell her your working on keeping 
a tidy house, learning new skills, better organization, accepting adult 
responsibilities...whatever  feels comfortable for you to say.  Tell her she 
can help you the most by telling you what's she's thinking and then letting 
you deal with it in the way that works for you.   Explain to her why you 
have made the choices you have, like why you have stuff on the table. 
Perhaps if she understands, she'll be less likely to mess.

It might also be helpful to explain very, very clearly to her that what 
she's doing is hurtful.  She's wanting to help, but if she understands that 
what she's doing is hurting, not helping, she may back off.  This needs to 
be done very gently, but extremely firmly.  Perhaps something like, "I love 
you and I care about our relationship a lot.  I don't want anything to come 
in between us.  I want to enjoy time with you.  I need you to be respectful 
of my home and my marriage by leaving my things as they are.  I know you 
love me and want to help and this is what you can do to be supportive and 
helpful to me."

Or you could visit her at her house and offer to help her vacuum.

Also, I totally, completely get where you are coming from.  I moved 600 
miles from home to give me some space from my parents.  it took a number of 
years, but they did eventually calm down and they act fairly normally now.

Best of luck!
Julie