[Blindtlk] Being Disrespected: How to Handle

[Mike Freeman]

Brandon:

Before giving you my solution, I believe that we must figure out whether
this is really a blindness situation or whether it's because your mother
thinks you're still her kid, treats you accordingly and would do so whether
you were blind or sighted. Do you have any brothers or sisters? If so, how
does your mother treat them? If she bosses them also, then you must conclude
that it's just your mother and decide whether you'll put up with it in order
to see her. More on this below.

If not, it's harder to judge but you should still consider whether she still
thinks you're a kid.

Having said this, though, it may well be that your mother either thinks you
and your wife don't *know* any better than to leave things cluttered by her
lights (she probably can't figure out how you guys find anything -- neatness
freaks have no clue how, say, nerds and computer freaks can find the one
print-out in a stack three feet tall within seconds but if someone files
them all, said nerd/computer freak can't find the same print-out in a month)
or she concludes that it's your blindness that prevents you from noticing
the clutter and thinks it's helpful to pick it all up for you; she probably
truly does think she's helping you. She doesn't realize it's help you don't
want. It's one of the crosses we bear that in their zeal to help us, people
often treat us like children.

Now, what would I do? I'd first do a bit of soul-searching. You say your
house isn't overly-cluttered and that some friends have said so also. But is
this *really* the case? How do you know that your friends aren't making
silent blindness assumptions and also figuring you guys can't be expected to
"get it" but they're too polite to say so? Also, since you *know* your
mother is a neatness freak and that she's coming to visit you (even for an
hour), might it not be worth trying to get things *absolutely* cleaned up by
her definition for one visit and see what happens? I know this doesn't
acknowledge that this is *your* house and that you can do what you want with
it but some people are compulsive straighteners and put-awayers -- yes, even
in the houses of sighted persons. (Almost as bad are those who want to help
and take over the kitchen even if they're in the way of the person preparing
meals.) If she praises you inordinately, you can either keep silent and
figure this is the price you must pay to see your mother or you can set up a
relaxing atmosphere and have a heart-to-heart with her wherein you both try
to confront your demons -- she treating you like you are still a child and
not acknowledging that this is your space for whatever reason and your not
unreasonably resenting this. More on this in a moment. But as I say, it's
not a bad thing (and does not demean you) to take a good look in the mirror.
You might be surprised.

If, however, you have your back up so much that you absolutely can't see
yourself doing this, then you must go straight to that heart-to-heart talk.
If the three of you reach a satisfactory conclusion, well and good. If not
then you must decide whether it's worth the anguish to see your mother. If
so, then you just have to grin and bear it. No one promised you that life
would be a bowl of cherries. If it *isn't* worth it, make very clear --
either in person or on the telephone (but not by voicemail and never by
email) that your mother is no longer welcome in your house unless and until
she shuts up and keeps her comments and her hands to herself. I know this
seems harsh but again, life isn't a bowl of cherries. For example, I have
quite a number of relatives who are parsimonious illegitimate children and I
just figure it's worth avoiding the stress not to communicate with them.
(grin)

All this assumes, of course, that neither you nor your wife are horders or
have a mental illness (treated or untreated) that prevents you from
effectively dealing with clutter. This may seem insulting but I do not mean
it so. I speak from experience.

Anyway, that's my two cents'-worth.

Mike Freeman


-----Original Message-----
From: blindtlk [mailto:blindtlk-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Brandon A.
Olivares via blindtlk
Sent: Sunday, September 28, 2014 5:16 AM
To: Blind Talk Mailing List
Subject: [Blindtlk] Being Disrespected: How to Handle

Hello,

My wife and I are just looking for a bit of advice on how to handle a
difficult situation.

We're both in our mid-twenties. We live on our own in her own home town,
about 250 miles from my own family. By all accounts, we keep a nice house.
It's not perfect, but it's clean enough, as confirmed also by several of her
family and friends.

But still, every. single. time my mother comes up to visit, she finds
something to complain about. The worst thing is that I think she believes
she is doing it out of love, but on our end it feels like she is being
condescending and disrespectful.

I've tried before telling her before she visited to please not say anything
because Christine worked very hard on the house to make it nice for her. But
still she says or does something every time, without fail.

I'll provide two examples to illustrate:

The first happened a few months ago when she came up to visit. Christine was
out somewhere, but told me not to let my mother try to touch anything. I
said okay. So my mother visits, and pretty soon, she says the table is
cluttered and wants to clean it up. I say no, please don't. We have it
handled just fine. But then she starts and just says she's only putting some
things in the end-table drawer so the coffee table looked nicer. I asked her
not to, but she kept doing it. I figured it was just small things here and
there she was putting away, but when Christine looked later on, every single
item on the table was put into the drawer, messing up our organization
completely. It took us a while to put everything back in its proper place.

Case #2: It was my birthday just last week and my mother came up to visit.
Again I asked her not to say anything, and she said she wouldn't. She made a
few attempts which I successfully headed off. But then she said the bedroom
floor had cat hair on it and needed to be vacuumed, and asked if she could
do it. I said no, thanks for letting us know and we'll take care of it. Well
five minutes later, I hear the vacuum being turned on. Apparently she told
Christine behind my back she was going to do it anyway, and not to tell me.
Christine was a bit intimidated I think so didn't speak up. But it was very
hurtful that I specifically asked her not to, but she did anyway.

The ironic part is that before we moved out here, we stayed with her for
over a year, and she was never a neat-freak. Her own house was often worse
than ours would ever be.

So we're not sure how to handle it. I didn't want to make a big fuss about
it last weekend because it was my birthday and I didn't want drama. But she
might come up for Christmas and we really don't want this to keep happening.
Unfortunately as said, every time we mention something, she agrees, but then
ends up doing it anyway. At this point we're tempted to just not let her
visit our house, but she'd be very hurt by that. But we feel disrespected
and degraded, because it seems like she thinks we don't know what we're
doing just because we're blind. I'm 26 and Christine is 24, and we're both
quite capable to handle things on our own.

Sorry about the lengthy message, but any advice would be appreciated.

Brandon
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