[Blindtlk] Being Disrespected: How to Handle

[Judy Jones]

That's why the clue about the houses being cluttered or not cluttered made 
me wonder if she is looking for a way to be useful i.e. part of your lives, 
not necessarily intrusive, although it may seem like it.

Just a shot in the dark here.

Judy


-----Original Message----- 
From: Brandon A. Olivares via blindtlk
Sent: Sunday, September 28, 2014 8:54 AM
To: Mike Freeman
Cc: Blind Talk Mailing List
Subject: Re: [Blindtlk] Being Disrespected: How to Handle

Mike,

If you read my original email, you will see I said she is *not* a neat freak 
or anything of the sort. Her house was often worse than ours has ever been. 
That’s what makes this odd.

We have very honest and straight-forward friends and Christine’s family is 
the same. They have never hesitated to point out if something needs taken 
care of. Again, this is not a case of our house being unclean or anything of 
the sort.

To answer your other questions, as I said earlier, I am an only child.

On Sep 28, 2014, at 10:27 AM, Mike Freeman <k7uij at panix.com> wrote:

> Brandon:
>
> Before giving you my solution, I believe that we must figure out whether
> this is really a blindness situation or whether it's because your mother
> thinks you're still her kid, treats you accordingly and would do so 
> whether
> you were blind or sighted. Do you have any brothers or sisters? If so, how
> does your mother treat them? If she bosses them also, then you must 
> conclude
> that it's just your mother and decide whether you'll put up with it in 
> order
> to see her. More on this below.
>
> If not, it's harder to judge but you should still consider whether she 
> still
> thinks you're a kid.
>
> Having said this, though, it may well be that your mother either thinks 
> you
> and your wife don't *know* any better than to leave things cluttered by 
> her
> lights (she probably can't figure out how you guys find anything --  
> neatness
> freaks have no clue how, say, nerds and computer freaks can find the one
> print-out in a stack three feet tall within seconds but if someone files
> them all, said nerd/computer freak can't find the same print-out in a 
> month)
> or she concludes that it's your blindness that prevents you from noticing
> the clutter and thinks it's helpful to pick it all up for you; she 
> probably
> truly does think she's helping you. She doesn't realize it's help you 
> don't
> want. It's one of the crosses we bear that in their zeal to help us, 
> people
> often treat us like children.
>
> Now, what would I do? I'd first do a bit of soul-searching. You say your
> house isn't overly-cluttered and that some friends have said so also. But 
> is
> this *really* the case? How do you know that your friends aren't making
> silent blindness assumptions and also figuring you guys can't be expected 
> to
> "get it" but they're too polite to say so? Also, since you *know* your
> mother is a neatness freak and that she's coming to visit you (even for an
> hour), might it not be worth trying to get things *absolutely* cleaned up 
> by
> her definition for one visit and see what happens? I know this doesn't
> acknowledge that this is *your* house and that you can do what you want 
> with
> it but some people are compulsive straighteners and put-awayers -- yes, 
> even
> in the houses of sighted persons. (Almost as bad are those who want to 
> help
> and take over the kitchen even if they're in the way of the person 
> preparing
> meals.) If she praises you inordinately, you can either keep silent and
> figure this is the price you must pay to see your mother or you can set up 
> a
> relaxing atmosphere and have a heart-to-heart with her wherein you both 
> try
> to confront your demons -- she treating you like you are still a child and
> not acknowledging that this is your space for whatever reason and your not
> unreasonably resenting this. More on this in a moment. But as I say, it's
> not a bad thing (and does not demean you) to take a good look in the 
> mirror.
> You might be surprised.
>
> If, however, you have your back up so much that you absolutely can't see
> yourself doing this, then you must go straight to that heart-to-heart 
> talk.
> If the three of you reach a satisfactory conclusion, well and good. If not
> then you must decide whether it's worth the anguish to see your mother. If
> so, then you just have to grin and bear it. No one promised you that life
> would be a bowl of cherries. If it *isn't* worth it, make very clear --
> either in person or on the telephone (but not by voicemail and never by
> email) that your mother is no longer welcome in your house unless and 
> until
> she shuts up and keeps her comments and her hands to herself. I know this
> seems harsh but again, life isn't a bowl of cherries. For example, I have
> quite a number of relatives who are parsimonious illegitimate children and 
> I
> just figure it's worth avoiding the stress not to communicate with them.
> (grin)
>
> All this assumes, of course, that neither you nor your wife are horders or
> have a mental illness (treated or untreated) that prevents you from
> effectively dealing with clutter. This may seem insulting but I do not 
> mean
> it so. I speak from experience.
>
> Anyway, that's my two cents'-worth.
>
> Mike Freeman
>
>
> -----Original Message-----
> From: blindtlk [mailto:blindtlk-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Brandon 
> A.
> Olivares via blindtlk
> Sent: Sunday, September 28, 2014 5:16 AM
> To: Blind Talk Mailing List
> Subject: [Blindtlk] Being Disrespected: How to Handle
>
> Hello,
>
> My wife and I are just looking for a bit of advice on how to handle a
> difficult situation.
>
> We're both in our mid-twenties. We live on our own in her own home town,
> about 250 miles from my own family. By all accounts, we keep a nice house.
> It's not perfect, but it's clean enough, as confirmed also by several of 
> her
> family and friends.
>
> But still, every. single. time my mother comes up to visit, she finds
> something to complain about. The worst thing is that I think she believes
> she is doing it out of love, but on our end it feels like she is being
> condescending and disrespectful.
>
> I've tried before telling her before she visited to please not say 
> anything
> because Christine worked very hard on the house to make it nice for her. 
> But
> still she says or does something every time, without fail.
>
> I'll provide two examples to illustrate:
>
> The first happened a few months ago when she came up to visit. Christine 
> was
> out somewhere, but told me not to let my mother try to touch anything. I
> said okay. So my mother visits, and pretty soon, she says the table is
> cluttered and wants to clean it up. I say no, please don't. We have it
> handled just fine. But then she starts and just says she's only putting 
> some
> things in the end-table drawer so the coffee table looked nicer. I asked 
> her
> not to, but she kept doing it. I figured it was just small things here and
> there she was putting away, but when Christine looked later on, every 
> single
> item on the table was put into the drawer, messing up our organization
> completely. It took us a while to put everything back in its proper place.
>
> Case #2: It was my birthday just last week and my mother came up to visit.
> Again I asked her not to say anything, and she said she wouldn't. She made 
> a
> few attempts which I successfully headed off. But then she said the 
> bedroom
> floor had cat hair on it and needed to be vacuumed, and asked if she could
> do it. I said no, thanks for letting us know and we'll take care of it. 
> Well
> five minutes later, I hear the vacuum being turned on. Apparently she told
> Christine behind my back she was going to do it anyway, and not to tell 
> me.
> Christine was a bit intimidated I think so didn't speak up. But it was 
> very
> hurtful that I specifically asked her not to, but she did anyway.
>
> The ironic part is that before we moved out here, we stayed with her for
> over a year, and she was never a neat-freak. Her own house was often worse
> than ours would ever be.
>
> So we're not sure how to handle it. I didn't want to make a big fuss about
> it last weekend because it was my birthday and I didn't want drama. But 
> she
> might come up for Christmas and we really don't want this to keep 
> happening.
> Unfortunately as said, every time we mention something, she agrees, but 
> then
> ends up doing it anyway. At this point we're tempted to just not let her
> visit our house, but she'd be very hurt by that. But we feel disrespected
> and degraded, because it seems like she thinks we don't know what we're
> doing just because we're blind. I'm 26 and Christine is 24, and we're both
> quite capable to handle things on our own.
>
> Sorry about the lengthy message, but any advice would be appreciated.
>
> Brandon
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