[Blindtlk] Being Disrespected: How to Handle

Sun Sep 28 15:24:42 UTC 2014

Mike,

I answered Judy’s question. She asked if my mother is able to talk about things openly. I answered honestly that it depends, as she can get defensive. Why the criticism for a simple, truthful answer? I don’t understand the tone of your messages.

On Sep 28, 2014, at 11:22 AM, Mike Freeman <k7uij at panix.com> wrote:

> Hmmm ... that just makes her human!
> 
> Mike
> 
> 
> -----Original Message-----
> From: blindtlk [mailto:blindtlk-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Brandon A.
> Olivares via blindtlk
> Sent: Sunday, September 28, 2014 8:07 AM
> To: Judy Jones
> Cc: Blind Talk Mailing List
> Subject: Re: [Blindtlk] Being Disrespected: How to Handle
> 
> It depends. She can get rather defensive if we say something she doesn't
> like.
> 
> On Sep 28, 2014, at 11:01 AM, Judy Jones <jtj1 at cableone.net> wrote:
> 
>> When I look back on it, I'm sure my husband and I would have looked at it
> the way you do.  Plus, granted, we don't know your whole situation either. I
> think we're just saying to be cognicent of her need to be needed and giving
> her room to grow into the change of you having your own place, too.
>> 
>> Is the relationship such where you guys can sit down and talk this out and
> get her to talk about how she is feeling, and do it in love?
>> 
>> Judy
>> 
>> 
>> -----Original Message----- From: Brandon A. Olivares via blindtlk
>> Sent: Sunday, September 28, 2014 7:25 AM
>> To: Michael Capelle
>> Cc: Blind Talk Mailing List
>> Subject: Re: [Blindtlk] Being Disrespected: How to Handle
>> 
>> I don't see how it's being sensitive, when we're just asking for simple
> respect. There comes a point where you no longer want to put up with being
> babied.
>> 
>> On Sep 28, 2014, at 9:17 AM, Michael Capelle <michael.capelle at charter.net>
> wrote:
>> 
>>> and she was, people can not be so sensative, be glad she is helping, once
> she is gone, what will you do? i am always greatful for my parents, and
> appreciate there help.
>>> 
>>> -----Original Message----- From: Carly Mihalakis via blindtlk
>>> Sent: Sunday, September 28, 2014 7:46 AM
>>> To: Brandon A. Olivares ; Blind Talk Mailing List ; Blind Talk 
>>> Mailing List
>>> Subject: Re: [Blindtlk] Being Disrespected: How to Handle
>>> 
>>> Good morning, Brandon, and everyone,
>>> 
>>> Something about the sensibilities of Ol'Sighty, particularly when 
>>> Ol'Sighty is also your parent! My boyfriend and I are also totals. My 
>>> Mom doesn't come up so much anymore but when she did, she would do 
>>> the same thing, moving things, "putting things away" all in the name 
>>> of you guessed it, neatening up! One time, we have a little bowl 
>>> containing quarters for laundry, and there is also a container of 
>>> sundry coins. She put the quarters in with the change! I mean, do you 
>>> really need too much of an imagination to suspect a bowl full of 
>>> quarters maybe having some purpose for being segregated like that?
>>> So, Sunday morning when we got up to do our laundry and seeing that 
>>> and having to dig through all the change in search of our quarters, 
>>> Upon asking her about it later, however, she gave that old tired 
>>> line, "I was just trying to help..."
>>> As has been said by many: Some people you just can't reach! 05:16 AM 
>>> 9/28/2014, Brandon A. Olivares via blindtlk wrote:
>>>> Hello,
>>>> 
>>>> My wife and I are just looking for a bit of advice on how to handle a
> difficult situation.
>>>> 
>>>> We're both in our mid-twenties. We live on our own in her own home town,
> about 250 miles from my own family. By all accounts, we keep a nice house.
> It's not perfect, but it's clean enough, as confirmed also by several of her
> family and friends.
>>>> 
>>>> But still, every. single. time my mother comes up to visit, she finds
> something to complain about. The worst thing is that I think she believes
> she is doing it out of love, but on our end it feels like she is being
> condescending and disrespectful.
>>>> 
>>>> I've tried before telling her before she visited to please not say
> anything because Christine worked very hard on the house to make it nice for
> her. But still she says or does something every time, without fail.
>>>> 
>>>> I'll provide two examples to illustrate:
>>>> 
>>>> The first happened a few months ago when she came up to visit. Christine
> was out somewhere, but told me not to let my mother try to touch anything. I
> said okay. So my mother visits, and pretty soon, she says the table is
> cluttered and wants to clean it up. I say no, please don't. We have it
> handled just fine. But then she starts and just says she's only putting some
> things in the end-table drawer so the coffee table looked nicer. I asked her
> not to, but she kept doing it. I figured it was just small things here and
> there she was putting away, but when Christine looked later on, every single
> item on the table was put into the drawer, messing up our organization
> completely. It took us a while to put everything back in its proper place.
>>>> 
>>>> Case #2: It was my birthday just last week and my mother came up to
> visit. Again I asked her not to say anything, and she said she wouldn't. She
> made a few attempts which I successfully headed off. But then she said the
> bedroom floor had cat hair on it and needed to be vacuumed, and asked if she
> could do it. I said no, thanks for letting us know and we'll take care of
> it. Well five minutes later, I hear the vacuum being turned on. Apparently
> she told Christine behind my back she was going to do it anyway, and not to
> tell me. Christine was a bit intimidated I think so didn't speak up. But it
> was very hurtful that I specifically asked her not to, but she did anyway.
>>>> 
>>>> The ironic part is that before we moved out here, we stayed with her for
> over a year, and she was never a neat-freak. Her own house was often worse
> than ours would ever be.
>>>> 
>>>> So we're not sure how to handle it. I didn't want to make a big fuss
> about it last weekend because it was my birthday and I didn't want drama.
> But she might come up for Christmas and we really don't want this to keep
> happening. Unfortunately as said, every time we mention something, she
> agrees, but then ends up doing it anyway. At this point we're tempted to
> just not let her visit our house, but she'd be very hurt by that. But we
> feel disrespected and degraded, because it seems like she thinks we don't
> know what we're doing just because we're blind. I'm 26 and Christine is 24,
> and we're both quite capable to handle things on our own.
>>>> 
>>>> Sorry about the lengthy message, but any advice would be appreciated.
>>>> 
>>>> Brandon
>>>> _______________________________________________
>>>> blindtlk mailing list
>>>> blindtlk at nfbnet.org
>>>> http://nfbnet.org/mailman/listinfo/blindtlk_nfbnet.org
>>>> To unsubscribe, change your list options or get your account info for
> blindtlk:
>>>> http://nfbnet.org/mailman/options/blindtlk_nfbnet.org/carlymih%40com
>>>> cast.net
>>> 
>>> 
>>> _______________________________________________
>>> blindtlk mailing list
>>> blindtlk at nfbnet.org
>>> http://nfbnet.org/mailman/listinfo/blindtlk_nfbnet.org
>>> To unsubscribe, change your list options or get your account info for
> blindtlk:
>>> http://nfbnet.org/mailman/options/blindtlk_nfbnet.org/michael.capelle
>>> %40charter.net
>> 
>> 
>> _______________________________________________
>> blindtlk mailing list
>> blindtlk at nfbnet.org
>> http://nfbnet.org/mailman/listinfo/blindtlk_nfbnet.org
>> To unsubscribe, change your list options or get your account info for
> blindtlk:
>> http://nfbnet.org/mailman/options/blindtlk_nfbnet.org/jtj1%40cableone.
>> net
> 
> 
> _______________________________________________
> blindtlk mailing list
> blindtlk at nfbnet.org
> http://nfbnet.org/mailman/listinfo/blindtlk_nfbnet.org
> To unsubscribe, change your list options or get your account info for
> blindtlk:
> http://nfbnet.org/mailman/options/blindtlk_nfbnet.org/k7uij%40panix.com
> 