[Blindtlk] Being Disrespected: How to Handle

Mon Sep 29 00:48:21 UTC 2014

Chris, your thoughts on the topic are really very great and mature. The problem, as I see it, is when you get in your twenties, thirties, forties … and you state your needs (independence) to your parent and set boundaries which they agree too and then break thus crossing boundaries and betraying your trust. You have communicated then, and if they don’t come to see it, I personally would not have qualms of issuing an ultimatum that I would enforce, though I might not like to have to do it. My mother was just the opposite of this. When she came to my house she was a guest to the extent that she even smoked out in my cool sun porch or front porch. She never treated me without respect at all. My first mother-in-law was the opposite. It is the best if you can communicate and get through this.

Cindy

On Sep 28, 2014, at 12:16 PM, Chris Nusbaum via blindtlk <blindtlk at nfbnet.org> wrote:

> Judy, Julie and Others,
> 
> At present I am 16 years old and a junior in high school. As someone who
> comes at these matters from this perspective, I very much appreciate this
> discussion of "letting go" of your children. To my mom's credit, I think she
> is doing a wonderful job of adjusting to the changes in me. For my dad,
> however, this is a steeper learning curve--and that's OK. For my part, I am
> trying my best to be patient with them and calmly explain what I need,
> though I know I do not always succeed in this effort. For me, communication
> is the easiest solution to the problems associated with this transition. If
> I advocate for myself and can articulate what I need or don't need from my
> parents, and my parents are willing to listen (which they are,) most crises
> can be averted. Just my perspective as one of those rebellious teenagers.
> <Grin!>
> 
> Chris
> 
> -----Original Message-----
> From: blindtlk [mailto:blindtlk-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Julie J.
> via blindtlk
> Sent: Sunday, September 28, 2014 11:39 AM
> To: Judy Jones; Blind Talk Mailing List
> Subject: Re: [Blindtlk] Being Disrespected: How to Handle
> 
> Judy,
> 
> I really appreciate your sharing about your experiences with adult children.
> 
> My son will be 18 in just a couple of months and off to college next year. 
> I am trying to back off and let him develop adult responsibilities, but that
> 
> is way easier said than done.   I will keep trying and be gentle with myself
> 
> when I mess it all up!
> 
> Thank you,
> Julie
> 
> 
> -----Original Message-----
> From: Judy Jones via blindtlk
> Sent: Sunday, September 28, 2014 10:06 AM
> To: Michael Capelle ; Blind Talk Mailing List
> Subject: Re: [Blindtlk] Being Disrespected: How to Handle
> 
> My parents were always very encouraging and proud of my independence, but I
> think younger people have their agendas, their life ahead of them, and full
> steam ahead on how they plan to get things done; I know we were that way.
> And we parents need to learn to go with the flow of our adult children.
> I've heard it said that parents of grown children take the role often of a
> coach on the sidelines of a ball game.  They're not in the game, but
> watching it, and advising as their adult kids ask.  Easier said than done,
> trust me.
> 
> Judy
> 
> 
> -----Original Message-----
> From: Michael Capelle via blindtlk
> Sent: Sunday, September 28, 2014 7:39 AM
> To: Blind Talk Mailing List ; Carly Mihalakis
> Subject: Re: [Blindtlk] Being Disrespected: How to Handle
> 
> I was not  trying to say let them baby you, but remember, as I said, you are
> her child in her eyes, and she will always try to help probably til the day
> she passes on, trust me, i had a lot of family issues, but since they have
> seen me live on my own, they realize that i can do things for myself.
> 
> -----Original Message-----
> From: Carly Mihalakis
> Sent: Sunday, September 28, 2014 8:27 AM
> To: Michael Capelle ; Blind Talk Mailing List
> Subject: Re: [Blindtlk] Being Disrespected: How to Handle
> 
> Yes.  That is what I try to do, too.
>   That is what At 05:18 AM 9/28/2014, you wrote:
>> I have this happen a lot when my parents come up here.  What I have 
>> learned to do, is pick your battle, let her maybe vacumn, or let her 
>> organize the table, but have her tell you and christine where she is
> putting things.
>> remember, you will always be her baby, and she truely is just trying to 
>> help.
>> 
>> -----Original Message----- From: Brandon A. Olivares via blindtlk
>> Sent: Sunday, September 28, 2014 7:16 AM
>> To: Blind Talk Mailing List
>> Subject: [Blindtlk] Being Disrespected: How to Handle
>> 
>> Hello,
>> 
>> My wife and I are just looking for a bit of advice on how to handle a 
>> difficult situation.
>> 
>> We're both in our mid-twenties. We live on our own in her own home 
>> town, about 250 miles from my own family. By all accounts, we keep a nice
> house.
>> It's not perfect, but it's clean enough, as confirmed also by several 
>> of her family and friends.
>> 
>> But still, every. single. time my mother comes up to visit, she finds 
>> something to complain about. The worst thing is that I think she 
>> believes she is doing it out of love, but on our end it feels like she 
>> is being condescending and disrespectful.
>> 
>> I've tried before telling her before she visited to please not say 
>> anything because Christine worked very hard on the house to make it nice
> for her.
>> But still she says or does something every time, without fail.
>> 
>> I'll provide two examples to illustrate:
>> 
>> The first happened a few months ago when she came up to visit. 
>> Christine was out somewhere, but told me not to let my mother try to touch
> anything.
>> I said okay. So my mother visits, and pretty soon, she says the table 
>> is cluttered and wants to clean it up. I say no, please don't. We have 
>> it handled just fine. But then she starts and just says she's only 
>> putting some things in the end-table drawer so the coffee table looked 
>> nicer. I asked her not to, but she kept doing it. I figured it was just 
>> small things here and there she was putting away, but when Christine 
>> looked later on, every single item on the table was put into the 
>> drawer, messing up our organization completely. It took us a while to 
>> put everything back in its proper place.
>> 
>> Case #2: It was my birthday just last week and my mother came up to visit. 
>> Again I asked her not to say anything, and she said she wouldn't. She 
>> made a few attempts which I successfully headed off. But then she said 
>> the bedroom floor had cat hair on it and needed to be vacuumed, and 
>> asked if she could do it. I said no, thanks for letting us know and 
>> we'll take care of it. Well five minutes later, I hear the vacuum being
> turned on.
>> Apparently she told Christine behind my back she was going to do it 
>> anyway, and not to tell me. Christine was a bit intimidated I think so 
>> didn't speak up. But it was very hurtful that I specifically asked her 
>> not to, but she did anyway.
>> 
>> The ironic part is that before we moved out here, we stayed with her 
>> for over a year, and she was never a neat-freak. Her own house was 
>> often worse than ours would ever be.
>> 
>> So we're not sure how to handle it. I didn't want to make a big fuss 
>> about it last weekend because it was my birthday and I didn't want 
>> drama. But she might come up for Christmas and we really don't want 
>> this to keep happening. Unfortunately as said, every time we mention 
>> something, she agrees, but then ends up doing it anyway. At this point 
>> we're tempted to just not let her visit our house, but she'd be very 
>> hurt by that. But we feel disrespected and degraded, because it seems 
>> like she thinks we don't know what we're doing just because we're 
>> blind. I'm 26 and Christine is 24, and we're both quite capable to handle
> things on our own.
>> 
>> Sorry about the lengthy message, but any advice would be appreciated.
>> 
>> Brandon
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