[Blindtlk] Being Disrespected: How to Handle

Mon Sep 29 04:58:30 UTC 2014

Hi all,
If any of you used to watch Everybody Loves Raymond, Ray's mother is
an exaggerated version of Brandon's mother, living across the street,
and coming over every day to "help" in the home and criticize her
daughter-in-law to no end. You should see it.
Anyway, I wonder if you could find an activity around your house that
your mom is either very skilled at, or a chore that you hate, and
designate it for your mom whenever she comes to visit and wants to be
helpful? Maybe save your knitting, sewing or vacuuming for her visits
or request she prepare a favorite childhood meal, etc. Something small
but enough so she will feel needed and not try to intervene in other
areas?
I have a slightly similar situation with my mom in that she constantly
buys me new shirts thatI don't really need or want. I used to tell her
to stop, that I didn't want the shirts and didn't like going shopping
with her because she tends to micro-manage the entire process and
kinda treats me like a dressup doll rather than an adult woman buying
clothes with her. I shop with other sighted people like my sister and
friends, and it is a much more fun and mature process than it is with
her. Anyway, she got really upset and defensive. So what I decided to
do is insist on doing my shopping for necessities without her, but
when she comes over bearing new shirts, which are admittedly quite
fashionable, I accept them graciously, find some of my old shirts and
give them away to the homeless. She satisfies her need to dress up her
little girl, I get cool clothes and the homeless folks
benefit--everybody wins. Although she still asks me at least three
times per visit if I"need to do any shopping" because apparently I
don't shop enough when she's away. I try explaining that when I'm with
my parents, I want to have fun doing grown-up things with them and my
hubby not doing what feels like back-to-school shopping. But I
digress...
Cheers
Arielle

On 9/28/14, Danielle Antoine via blindtlk <blindtlk at nfbnet.org> wrote:
> Sometimes, these things Don't need to be made so personal. And isn't
> that something how most people try to make you perfect in the areas
> they lack in? It's like they don't see there weaknesses. Wild. Cindy,
> I agree. I had this happen with my firstborn. My mother came up to
> help then started to take over his care and tell me what to do in the
> house and with my son. I promptly told her he was my son and I
> appreciated her help but that I would tell her where I needed help.
> She was mad for awhile quite a while and didn't offfer to help with
> the next two births but we got understanding. I had C-sections with
> all my children so that is why help was needed. Oh well, on to the
> next. But it's true though and hurtful that because you can't see
> folks including your own family feel like you are lacking in all other
> areas. Brandon, the fact you are the only child may have a bit to do
> with it but I doubt it. She is just a mother being a mother. My mom is
> like that just needs to be needed and when she feels unneeded she
> seems to cause trouble.
>
> Mostly to me this sounds like a mother in law issue. IMO, once you are
> doing the do and paying your own bills, you should no longer be
> babied. Babies don't do those things!
>
> Life ahead of them or not, having there own life still *does not* give
> young grownchildren to interfere with older adults! They better have
> respect and that's how parents feel about that whether they are
> married or not.. Hahaha! Linda I love that! This communication
> couldn't get any clearer. Judy, when I first started brestfeeding
> there hadn't been someone doing that in the famly for quite some time.
> Initially, one of the adults would send all the little kids outside
> After awhile when they saw I wasn't flashing anybody or exposing
> myself and was very discreet about it that behavior stopped and
> everyone was all alright with it. BTW, there is a law that protects
> families choosing to breastfeed.
>
> Danielle
> On 9/28/14, Judy Jones via blindtlk <blindtlk at nfbnet.org> wrote:
>> Yes, both sets of our parents were great to work with, too.
>>
>> We did have something that came up that could have been an issue but
>> wasn't.
>>
>> My husband's older sister caught flak from my father-in-law, because he
>> thought breast feeding was not proper behavior, and any timeshe breast
>> fed
>> her little one, had to go to a separate room.
>>
>> When we had our first daughter, my husband's parents wanted to come out
>> to
>> see her.  My husband wrote them a letter saying that we were
>> breastfeeding,
>>
>> and if that was an issue that concerned them, they might want to wait for
>> a
>>
>> while before making the visit.
>>
>> However, the did come right out to see us, and we had no problems
>> whatsoever, and they were very wonderful, and the attitude was great.
>> They
>>
>> were both smokers; we are not, and they would unobtrusively go to their
>> car
>>
>> if they wanted to smoke.
>>
>> Judy
>>
>> -----Original Message-----
>> From: Cindy Ray via blindtlk
>> Sent: Sunday, September 28, 2014 6:48 PM
>> To: Chris Nusbaum ; Blind Talk Mailing List
>> Subject: Re: [Blindtlk] Being Disrespected: How to Handle
>>
>> Chris, your thoughts on the topic are really very great and mature. The
>> problem, as I see it, is when you get in your twenties, thirties, forties
>> ...
>>
>> and you state your needs (independence) to your parent and set boundaries
>> which they agree too and then break thus crossing boundaries and
>> betraying
>> your trust. You have communicated then, and if they don't come to see it,
>> I
>>
>> personally would not have qualms of issuing an ultimatum that I would
>> enforce, though I might not like to have to do it. My mother was just the
>> opposite of this. When she came to my house she was a guest to the extent
>> that she even smoked out in my cool sun porch or front porch. She never
>> treated me without respect at all. My first mother-in-law was the
>> opposite.
>>
>> It is the best if you can communicate and get through this.
>>
>> Cindy
>>
>> On Sep 28, 2014, at 12:16 PM, Chris Nusbaum via blindtlk
>> <blindtlk at nfbnet.org> wrote:
>>
>>> Judy, Julie and Others,
>>>
>>> At present I am 16 years old and a junior in high school. As someone who
>>> comes at these matters from this perspective, I very much appreciate
>>> this
>>> discussion of "letting go" of your children. To my mom's credit, I think
>>> she
>>> is doing a wonderful job of adjusting to the changes in me. For my dad,
>>> however, this is a steeper learning curve--and that's OK. For my part, I
>>> am
>>> trying my best to be patient with them and calmly explain what I need,
>>> though I know I do not always succeed in this effort. For me,
>>> communication
>>> is the easiest solution to the problems associated with this transition.
>>> If
>>> I advocate for myself and can articulate what I need or don't need from
>>> my
>>> parents, and my parents are willing to listen (which they are,) most
>>> crises
>>> can be averted. Just my perspective as one of those rebellious
>>> teenagers.
>>> <Grin!>
>>>
>>> Chris
>>>
>>> -----Original Message-----
>>> From: blindtlk [mailto:blindtlk-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Julie
>>> J.
>>> via blindtlk
>>> Sent: Sunday, September 28, 2014 11:39 AM
>>> To: Judy Jones; Blind Talk Mailing List
>>> Subject: Re: [Blindtlk] Being Disrespected: How to Handle
>>>
>>> Judy,
>>>
>>> I really appreciate your sharing about your experiences with adult
>>> children.
>>>
>>> My son will be 18 in just a couple of months and off to college next
>>> year.
>>> I am trying to back off and let him develop adult responsibilities, but
>>> that
>>>
>>> is way easier said than done.   I will keep trying and be gentle with
>>> myself
>>>
>>> when I mess it all up!
>>>
>>> Thank you,
>>> Julie
>>>
>>>
>>> -----Original Message-----
>>> From: Judy Jones via blindtlk
>>> Sent: Sunday, September 28, 2014 10:06 AM
>>> To: Michael Capelle ; Blind Talk Mailing List
>>> Subject: Re: [Blindtlk] Being Disrespected: How to Handle
>>>
>>> My parents were always very encouraging and proud of my independence,
>>> but
>>>
>>> I
>>> think younger people have their agendas, their life ahead of them, and
>>> full
>>> steam ahead on how they plan to get things done; I know we were that
>>> way.
>>> And we parents need to learn to go with the flow of our adult children.
>>> I've heard it said that parents of grown children take the role often of
>>> a
>>> coach on the sidelines of a ball game.  They're not in the game, but
>>> watching it, and advising as their adult kids ask.  Easier said than
>>> done,
>>> trust me.
>>>
>>> Judy
>>>
>>>
>>> -----Original Message-----
>>> From: Michael Capelle via blindtlk
>>> Sent: Sunday, September 28, 2014 7:39 AM
>>> To: Blind Talk Mailing List ; Carly Mihalakis
>>> Subject: Re: [Blindtlk] Being Disrespected: How to Handle
>>>
>>> I was not  trying to say let them baby you, but remember, as I said, you
>>> are
>>> her child in her eyes, and she will always try to help probably til the
>>> day
>>> she passes on, trust me, i had a lot of family issues, but since they
>>> have
>>> seen me live on my own, they realize that i can do things for myself.
>>>
>>> -----Original Message-----
>>> From: Carly Mihalakis
>>> Sent: Sunday, September 28, 2014 8:27 AM
>>> To: Michael Capelle ; Blind Talk Mailing List
>>> Subject: Re: [Blindtlk] Being Disrespected: How to Handle
>>>
>>> Yes.  That is what I try to do, too.
>>>   That is what At 05:18 AM 9/28/2014, you wrote:
>>>> I have this happen a lot when my parents come up here.  What I have
>>>> learned to do, is pick your battle, let her maybe vacumn, or let her
>>>> organize the table, but have her tell you and christine where she is
>>> putting things.
>>>> remember, you will always be her baby, and she truely is just trying to
>>>> help.
>>>>
>>>> -----Original Message----- From: Brandon A. Olivares via blindtlk
>>>> Sent: Sunday, September 28, 2014 7:16 AM
>>>> To: Blind Talk Mailing List
>>>> Subject: [Blindtlk] Being Disrespected: How to Handle
>>>>
>>>> Hello,
>>>>
>>>> My wife and I are just looking for a bit of advice on how to handle a
>>>> difficult situation.
>>>>
>>>> We're both in our mid-twenties. We live on our own in her own home
>>>> town, about 250 miles from my own family. By all accounts, we keep a
>>>> nice
>>> house.
>>>> It's not perfect, but it's clean enough, as confirmed also by several
>>>> of her family and friends.
>>>>
>>>> But still, every. single. time my mother comes up to visit, she finds
>>>> something to complain about. The worst thing is that I think she
>>>> believes she is doing it out of love, but on our end it feels like she
>>>> is being condescending and disrespectful.
>>>>
>>>> I've tried before telling her before she visited to please not say
>>>> anything because Christine worked very hard on the house to make it
>>>> nice
>>> for her.
>>>> But still she says or does something every time, without fail.
>>>>
>>>> I'll provide two examples to illustrate:
>>>>
>>>> The first happened a few months ago when she came up to visit.
>>>> Christine was out somewhere, but told me not to let my mother try to
>>>> touch
>>> anything.
>>>> I said okay. So my mother visits, and pretty soon, she says the table
>>>> is cluttered and wants to clean it up. I say no, please don't. We have
>>>> it handled just fine. But then she starts and just says she's only
>>>> putting some things in the end-table drawer so the coffee table looked
>>>> nicer. I asked her not to, but she kept doing it. I figured it was just
>>>> small things here and there she was putting away, but when Christine
>>>> looked later on, every single item on the table was put into the
>>>> drawer, messing up our organization completely. It took us a while to
>>>> put everything back in its proper place.
>>>>
>>>> Case #2: It was my birthday just last week and my mother came up to
>>>> visit.
>>>> Again I asked her not to say anything, and she said she wouldn't. She
>>>> made a few attempts which I successfully headed off. But then she said
>>>> the bedroom floor had cat hair on it and needed to be vacuumed, and
>>>> asked if she could do it. I said no, thanks for letting us know and
>>>> we'll take care of it. Well five minutes later, I hear the vacuum being
>>> turned on.
>>>> Apparently she told Christine behind my back she was going to do it
>>>> anyway, and not to tell me. Christine was a bit intimidated I think so
>>>> didn't speak up. But it was very hurtful that I specifically asked her
>>>> not to, but she did anyway.
>>>>
>>>> The ironic part is that before we moved out here, we stayed with her
>>>> for over a year, and she was never a neat-freak. Her own house was
>>>> often worse than ours would ever be.
>>>>
>>>> So we're not sure how to handle it. I didn't want to make a big fuss
>>>> about it last weekend because it was my birthday and I didn't want
>>>> drama. But she might come up for Christmas and we really don't want
>>>> this to keep happening. Unfortunately as said, every time we mention
>>>> something, she agrees, but then ends up doing it anyway. At this point
>>>> we're tempted to just not let her visit our house, but she'd be very
>>>> hurt by that. But we feel disrespected and degraded, because it seems
>>>> like she thinks we don't know what we're doing just because we're
>>>> blind. I'm 26 and Christine is 24, and we're both quite capable to
>>>> handle
>>> things on our own.
>>>>
>>>> Sorry about the lengthy message, but any advice would be appreciated.
>>>>
>>>> Brandon
>>>> _______________________________________________
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