[Blindtlk] Being Disrespected: How to Handle
Brandon A. Olivares
programmer2188 at gmail.com
Mon Sep 29 12:18:36 UTC 2014
Hey, I think a singing dancing chicken is pretty cool. :)
On Sep 29, 2014, at 6:09 AM, Julie J. via blindtlk <blindtlk at nfbnet.org> wrote:
> Ariel, you are so funny! I can relate. My Mom buys me some of the craziest things. My parents live a long way away and we only get to see them a couple times a year, usually on some sort of holiday. Her gifts are supposed to be for the holiday. She gave me plastic tulips with solar lights in them, a singing dancing chicken, a sweatshirt with light up Santas and other totally insane junk. I try to accept her gifts graciously, but sometimes my mouth gets away from me before I can get it in check. I did ask her what I was supposed to do with the singing dancing chicken.
>
> She's getting better, but it's still a work in progress. It's not a blindness thing, just a crazy Mom who likes to shop. I don't let it bother me. The stuff goes in the closet for a while and eventually ends up being donated. I remind myself that it is the thought that counts. She means well and I appreciate that.
>
> Julie
>
>
>
>
> -----Original Message----- From: Arielle Silverman via blindtlk
> Sent: Sunday, September 28, 2014 11:58 PM
> To: Danielle Antoine ; Blind Talk Mailing List
> Subject: Re: [Blindtlk] Being Disrespected: How to Handle
>
> Hi all,
> If any of you used to watch Everybody Loves Raymond, Ray's mother is
> an exaggerated version of Brandon's mother, living across the street,
> and coming over every day to "help" in the home and criticize her
> daughter-in-law to no end. You should see it.
> Anyway, I wonder if you could find an activity around your house that
> your mom is either very skilled at, or a chore that you hate, and
> designate it for your mom whenever she comes to visit and wants to be
> helpful? Maybe save your knitting, sewing or vacuuming for her visits
> or request she prepare a favorite childhood meal, etc. Something small
> but enough so she will feel needed and not try to intervene in other
> areas?
> I have a slightly similar situation with my mom in that she constantly
> buys me new shirts thatI don't really need or want. I used to tell her
> to stop, that I didn't want the shirts and didn't like going shopping
> with her because she tends to micro-manage the entire process and
> kinda treats me like a dressup doll rather than an adult woman buying
> clothes with her. I shop with other sighted people like my sister and
> friends, and it is a much more fun and mature process than it is with
> her. Anyway, she got really upset and defensive. So what I decided to
> do is insist on doing my shopping for necessities without her, but
> when she comes over bearing new shirts, which are admittedly quite
> fashionable, I accept them graciously, find some of my old shirts and
> give them away to the homeless. She satisfies her need to dress up her
> little girl, I get cool clothes and the homeless folks
> benefit--everybody wins. Although she still asks me at least three
> times per visit if I"need to do any shopping" because apparently I
> don't shop enough when she's away. I try explaining that when I'm with
> my parents, I want to have fun doing grown-up things with them and my
> hubby not doing what feels like back-to-school shopping. But I
> digress...
> Cheers
> Arielle
>
> On 9/28/14, Danielle Antoine via blindtlk <blindtlk at nfbnet.org> wrote:
>> Sometimes, these things Don't need to be made so personal. And isn't
>> that something how most people try to make you perfect in the areas
>> they lack in? It's like they don't see there weaknesses. Wild. Cindy,
>> I agree. I had this happen with my firstborn. My mother came up to
>> help then started to take over his care and tell me what to do in the
>> house and with my son. I promptly told her he was my son and I
>> appreciated her help but that I would tell her where I needed help.
>> She was mad for awhile quite a while and didn't offfer to help with
>> the next two births but we got understanding. I had C-sections with
>> all my children so that is why help was needed. Oh well, on to the
>> next. But it's true though and hurtful that because you can't see
>> folks including your own family feel like you are lacking in all other
>> areas. Brandon, the fact you are the only child may have a bit to do
>> with it but I doubt it. She is just a mother being a mother. My mom is
>> like that just needs to be needed and when she feels unneeded she
>> seems to cause trouble.
>>
>> Mostly to me this sounds like a mother in law issue. IMO, once you are
>> doing the do and paying your own bills, you should no longer be
>> babied. Babies don't do those things!
>>
>> Life ahead of them or not, having there own life still *does not* give
>> young grownchildren to interfere with older adults! They better have
>> respect and that's how parents feel about that whether they are
>> married or not.. Hahaha! Linda I love that! This communication
>> couldn't get any clearer. Judy, when I first started brestfeeding
>> there hadn't been someone doing that in the famly for quite some time.
>> Initially, one of the adults would send all the little kids outside
>> After awhile when they saw I wasn't flashing anybody or exposing
>> myself and was very discreet about it that behavior stopped and
>> everyone was all alright with it. BTW, there is a law that protects
>> families choosing to breastfeed.
>>
>> Danielle
>> On 9/28/14, Judy Jones via blindtlk <blindtlk at nfbnet.org> wrote:
>>> Yes, both sets of our parents were great to work with, too.
>>>
>>> We did have something that came up that could have been an issue but
>>> wasn't.
>>>
>>> My husband's older sister caught flak from my father-in-law, because he
>>> thought breast feeding was not proper behavior, and any timeshe breast
>>> fed
>>> her little one, had to go to a separate room.
>>>
>>> When we had our first daughter, my husband's parents wanted to come out
>>> to
>>> see her. My husband wrote them a letter saying that we were
>>> breastfeeding,
>>>
>>> and if that was an issue that concerned them, they might want to wait for
>>> a
>>>
>>> while before making the visit.
>>>
>>> However, the did come right out to see us, and we had no problems
>>> whatsoever, and they were very wonderful, and the attitude was great.
>>> They
>>>
>>> were both smokers; we are not, and they would unobtrusively go to their
>>> car
>>>
>>> if they wanted to smoke.
>>>
>>> Judy
>>>
>>> -----Original Message-----
>>> From: Cindy Ray via blindtlk
>>> Sent: Sunday, September 28, 2014 6:48 PM
>>> To: Chris Nusbaum ; Blind Talk Mailing List
>>> Subject: Re: [Blindtlk] Being Disrespected: How to Handle
>>>
>>> Chris, your thoughts on the topic are really very great and mature. The
>>> problem, as I see it, is when you get in your twenties, thirties, forties
>>> ...
>>>
>>> and you state your needs (independence) to your parent and set boundaries
>>> which they agree too and then break thus crossing boundaries and
>>> betraying
>>> your trust. You have communicated then, and if they don't come to see it,
>>> I
>>>
>>> personally would not have qualms of issuing an ultimatum that I would
>>> enforce, though I might not like to have to do it. My mother was just the
>>> opposite of this. When she came to my house she was a guest to the extent
>>> that she even smoked out in my cool sun porch or front porch. She never
>>> treated me without respect at all. My first mother-in-law was the
>>> opposite.
>>>
>>> It is the best if you can communicate and get through this.
>>>
>>> Cindy
>>>
>>> On Sep 28, 2014, at 12:16 PM, Chris Nusbaum via blindtlk
>>> <blindtlk at nfbnet.org> wrote:
>>>
>>>> Judy, Julie and Others,
>>>>
>>>> At present I am 16 years old and a junior in high school. As someone who
>>>> comes at these matters from this perspective, I very much appreciate
>>>> this
>>>> discussion of "letting go" of your children. To my mom's credit, I think
>>>> she
>>>> is doing a wonderful job of adjusting to the changes in me. For my dad,
>>>> however, this is a steeper learning curve--and that's OK. For my part, I
>>>> am
>>>> trying my best to be patient with them and calmly explain what I need,
>>>> though I know I do not always succeed in this effort. For me,
>>>> communication
>>>> is the easiest solution to the problems associated with this transition.
>>>> If
>>>> I advocate for myself and can articulate what I need or don't need from
>>>> my
>>>> parents, and my parents are willing to listen (which they are,) most
>>>> crises
>>>> can be averted. Just my perspective as one of those rebellious
>>>> teenagers.
>>>> <Grin!>
>>>>
>>>> Chris
>>>>
>>>> -----Original Message-----
>>>> From: blindtlk [mailto:blindtlk-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Julie
>>>> J.
>>>> via blindtlk
>>>> Sent: Sunday, September 28, 2014 11:39 AM
>>>> To: Judy Jones; Blind Talk Mailing List
>>>> Subject: Re: [Blindtlk] Being Disrespected: How to Handle
>>>>
>>>> Judy,
>>>>
>>>> I really appreciate your sharing about your experiences with adult
>>>> children.
>>>>
>>>> My son will be 18 in just a couple of months and off to college next
>>>> year.
>>>> I am trying to back off and let him develop adult responsibilities, but
>>>> that
>>>>
>>>> is way easier said than done. I will keep trying and be gentle with
>>>> myself
>>>>
>>>> when I mess it all up!
>>>>
>>>> Thank you,
>>>> Julie
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> -----Original Message-----
>>>> From: Judy Jones via blindtlk
>>>> Sent: Sunday, September 28, 2014 10:06 AM
>>>> To: Michael Capelle ; Blind Talk Mailing List
>>>> Subject: Re: [Blindtlk] Being Disrespected: How to Handle
>>>>
>>>> My parents were always very encouraging and proud of my independence,
>>>> but
>>>>
>>>> I
>>>> think younger people have their agendas, their life ahead of them, and
>>>> full
>>>> steam ahead on how they plan to get things done; I know we were that
>>>> way.
>>>> And we parents need to learn to go with the flow of our adult children.
>>>> I've heard it said that parents of grown children take the role often of
>>>> a
>>>> coach on the sidelines of a ball game. They're not in the game, but
>>>> watching it, and advising as their adult kids ask. Easier said than
>>>> done,
>>>> trust me.
>>>>
>>>> Judy
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> -----Original Message-----
>>>> From: Michael Capelle via blindtlk
>>>> Sent: Sunday, September 28, 2014 7:39 AM
>>>> To: Blind Talk Mailing List ; Carly Mihalakis
>>>> Subject: Re: [Blindtlk] Being Disrespected: How to Handle
>>>>
>>>> I was not trying to say let them baby you, but remember, as I said, you
>>>> are
>>>> her child in her eyes, and she will always try to help probably til the
>>>> day
>>>> she passes on, trust me, i had a lot of family issues, but since they
>>>> have
>>>> seen me live on my own, they realize that i can do things for myself.
>>>>
>>>> -----Original Message-----
>>>> From: Carly Mihalakis
>>>> Sent: Sunday, September 28, 2014 8:27 AM
>>>> To: Michael Capelle ; Blind Talk Mailing List
>>>> Subject: Re: [Blindtlk] Being Disrespected: How to Handle
>>>>
>>>> Yes. That is what I try to do, too.
>>>> That is what At 05:18 AM 9/28/2014, you wrote:
>>>>> I have this happen a lot when my parents come up here. What I have
>>>>> learned to do, is pick your battle, let her maybe vacumn, or let her
>>>>> organize the table, but have her tell you and christine where she is
>>>> putting things.
>>>>> remember, you will always be her baby, and she truely is just trying to
>>>>> help.
>>>>>
>>>>> -----Original Message----- From: Brandon A. Olivares via blindtlk
>>>>> Sent: Sunday, September 28, 2014 7:16 AM
>>>>> To: Blind Talk Mailing List
>>>>> Subject: [Blindtlk] Being Disrespected: How to Handle
>>>>>
>>>>> Hello,
>>>>>
>>>>> My wife and I are just looking for a bit of advice on how to handle a
>>>>> difficult situation.
>>>>>
>>>>> We're both in our mid-twenties. We live on our own in her own home
>>>>> town, about 250 miles from my own family. By all accounts, we keep a
>>>>> nice
>>>> house.
>>>>> It's not perfect, but it's clean enough, as confirmed also by several
>>>>> of her family and friends.
>>>>>
>>>>> But still, every. single. time my mother comes up to visit, she finds
>>>>> something to complain about. The worst thing is that I think she
>>>>> believes she is doing it out of love, but on our end it feels like she
>>>>> is being condescending and disrespectful.
>>>>>
>>>>> I've tried before telling her before she visited to please not say
>>>>> anything because Christine worked very hard on the house to make it
>>>>> nice
>>>> for her.
>>>>> But still she says or does something every time, without fail.
>>>>>
>>>>> I'll provide two examples to illustrate:
>>>>>
>>>>> The first happened a few months ago when she came up to visit.
>>>>> Christine was out somewhere, but told me not to let my mother try to
>>>>> touch
>>>> anything.
>>>>> I said okay. So my mother visits, and pretty soon, she says the table
>>>>> is cluttered and wants to clean it up. I say no, please don't. We have
>>>>> it handled just fine. But then she starts and just says she's only
>>>>> putting some things in the end-table drawer so the coffee table looked
>>>>> nicer. I asked her not to, but she kept doing it. I figured it was just
>>>>> small things here and there she was putting away, but when Christine
>>>>> looked later on, every single item on the table was put into the
>>>>> drawer, messing up our organization completely. It took us a while to
>>>>> put everything back in its proper place.
>>>>>
>>>>> Case #2: It was my birthday just last week and my mother came up to
>>>>> visit.
>>>>> Again I asked her not to say anything, and she said she wouldn't. She
>>>>> made a few attempts which I successfully headed off. But then she said
>>>>> the bedroom floor had cat hair on it and needed to be vacuumed, and
>>>>> asked if she could do it. I said no, thanks for letting us know and
>>>>> we'll take care of it. Well five minutes later, I hear the vacuum being
>>>> turned on.
>>>>> Apparently she told Christine behind my back she was going to do it
>>>>> anyway, and not to tell me. Christine was a bit intimidated I think so
>>>>> didn't speak up. But it was very hurtful that I specifically asked her
>>>>> not to, but she did anyway.
>>>>>
>>>>> The ironic part is that before we moved out here, we stayed with her
>>>>> for over a year, and she was never a neat-freak. Her own house was
>>>>> often worse than ours would ever be.
>>>>>
>>>>> So we're not sure how to handle it. I didn't want to make a big fuss
>>>>> about it last weekend because it was my birthday and I didn't want
>>>>> drama. But she might come up for Christmas and we really don't want
>>>>> this to keep happening. Unfortunately as said, every time we mention
>>>>> something, she agrees, but then ends up doing it anyway. At this point
>>>>> we're tempted to just not let her visit our house, but she'd be very
>>>>> hurt by that. But we feel disrespected and degraded, because it seems
>>>>> like she thinks we don't know what we're doing just because we're
>>>>> blind. I'm 26 and Christine is 24, and we're both quite capable to
>>>>> handle
>>>> things on our own.
>>>>>
>>>>> Sorry about the lengthy message, but any advice would be appreciated.
>>>>>
>>>>> Brandon
>>>>> _______________________________________________
>>>>> blindtlk mailing list
>>>>> blindtlk at nfbnet.org
>>>>> http://nfbnet.org/mailman/listinfo/blindtlk_nfbnet.org
>>>>> To unsubscribe, change your list options or get your account info for
>>>>> blindtlk:
>>>>> http://nfbnet.org/mailman/options/blindtlk_nfbnet.org/michael.capelle%4
>>>>> 0charter.net
>>>>>
>>>>> _______________________________________________
>>>>> blindtlk mailing list
>>>>> blindtlk at nfbnet.org
>>>>> http://nfbnet.org/mailman/listinfo/blindtlk_nfbnet.org
>>>>> To unsubscribe, change your list options or get your account info for
>>>>> blindtlk:
>>>>> http://nfbnet.org/mailman/options/blindtlk_nfbnet.org/carlymih%40comcas
>>>>> t.net
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> _______________________________________________
>>>> blindtlk mailing list
>>>> blindtlk at nfbnet.org
>>>> http://nfbnet.org/mailman/listinfo/blindtlk_nfbnet.org
>>>> To unsubscribe, change your list options or get your account info for
>>>> blindtlk:
>>>> http://nfbnet.org/mailman/options/blindtlk_nfbnet.org/jtj1%40cableone.net
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> _______________________________________________
>>>> blindtlk mailing list
>>>> blindtlk at nfbnet.org
>>>> http://nfbnet.org/mailman/listinfo/blindtlk_nfbnet.org
>>>> To unsubscribe, change your list options or get your account info for
>>>> blindtlk:
>>>> http://nfbnet.org/mailman/options/blindtlk_nfbnet.org/julielj%40neb.rr.com
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> -----
>>>> No virus found in this message.
>>>> Checked by AVG - www.avg.com
>>>> Version: 2012.0.2247 / Virus Database: 4031/7787 - Release Date:
>>>> 09/28/14
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> _______________________________________________
>>>> blindtlk mailing list
>>>> blindtlk at nfbnet.org
>>>> http://nfbnet.org/mailman/listinfo/blindtlk_nfbnet.org
>>>> To unsubscribe, change your list options or get your account info for
>>>> blindtlk:
>>>> http://nfbnet.org/mailman/options/blindtlk_nfbnet.org/dotkid.nusbaum%40gmail
>>>> .com
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> _______________________________________________
>>>> blindtlk mailing list
>>>> blindtlk at nfbnet.org
>>>> http://nfbnet.org/mailman/listinfo/blindtlk_nfbnet.org
>>>> To unsubscribe, change your list options or get your account info for
>>>> blindtlk:
>>>> http://nfbnet.org/mailman/options/blindtlk_nfbnet.org/cindyray%40gmail.com
>>>
>>>
>>> _______________________________________________
>>> blindtlk mailing list
>>> blindtlk at nfbnet.org
>>> http://nfbnet.org/mailman/listinfo/blindtlk_nfbnet.org
>>> To unsubscribe, change your list options or get your account info for
>>> blindtlk:
>>> http://nfbnet.org/mailman/options/blindtlk_nfbnet.org/jtj1%40cableone.net
>>>
>>>
>>> _______________________________________________
>>> blindtlk mailing list
>>> blindtlk at nfbnet.org
>>> http://nfbnet.org/mailman/listinfo/blindtlk_nfbnet.org
>>> To unsubscribe, change your list options or get your account info for
>>> blindtlk:
>>> http://nfbnet.org/mailman/options/blindtlk_nfbnet.org/singingmywayin%40gmail.com
>>>
>>
>> _______________________________________________
>> blindtlk mailing list
>> blindtlk at nfbnet.org
>> http://nfbnet.org/mailman/listinfo/blindtlk_nfbnet.org
>> To unsubscribe, change your list options or get your account info for
>> blindtlk:
>> http://nfbnet.org/mailman/options/blindtlk_nfbnet.org/arielle71%40gmail.com
>>
>
> _______________________________________________
> blindtlk mailing list
> blindtlk at nfbnet.org
> http://nfbnet.org/mailman/listinfo/blindtlk_nfbnet.org
> To unsubscribe, change your list options or get your account info for blindtlk:
> http://nfbnet.org/mailman/options/blindtlk_nfbnet.org/julielj%40neb.rr.com
>
>
> -----
> No virus found in this message.
> Checked by AVG - www.avg.com
> Version: 2012.0.2247 / Virus Database: 4031/7787 - Release Date: 09/28/14
>
> _______________________________________________
> blindtlk mailing list
> blindtlk at nfbnet.org
> http://nfbnet.org/mailman/listinfo/blindtlk_nfbnet.org
> To unsubscribe, change your list options or get your account info for blindtlk:
> http://nfbnet.org/mailman/options/blindtlk_nfbnet.org/programmer2188%40gmail.com
More information about the BlindTlk
mailing list