[Blindtlk] Having a Problem...

[Kerri Kosten]

Hi Everyone:
First, I am very very ashamed and embarrassed to admit this, so please
no judgment for this message.
I am really really struggling with wanting to sleep all day and
staying awake all night. No matter what I try to do though, I can't
seem to fight it.
For example, on Wednesday, I woke up at 10 PM.
I was wide awake the rest of the night. On Thursday morning at around
8 AM, I got up and went to my couch to watch TV.
At 10, I sat on the floor and listened to one of my favorite radio shows.
At noon, I again went to my couch and put on the radio.
At around 2, I began to become exhausted.
When I try to fight it and stay awake I become increasingly exhausted
until I get a headache.
Unable to take it, I usually end up laying back down and falling asleep.
Here is the thing though. Even if I manage to stay up all day when it
is time to go to sleep I am still wide wide awake all night and don't
get tired until like 1 or 2 the next day so have to try to fight the
whole thing all over again.
I can't sleep at all at night, but if I try to stay up during the day
when the world is awake my body fights me with everything it has.
But when it's night I am wide awake.
This is happening every day and is making me feel really ashamed and depressed.
I read the thread on Non 24-7. I am a member of the NFB.
Like everyone else on this list, I hate those commercials on the
radio. It makes me very very ashamed that I struggle to get through
the day like those commercials say.
I don't want to ruin any blind persons chances of employment because
an employer hears those messages on the radio and believes them. I
myself want to fit into the sighted world. My passion is sports, and
so I've always wanted to do something with sports media. I want to
show blind people can do things. I don't want to give off the message
we can't even stay up during the day.
I also feel ashamed because I can't really get a job or go to school
or anything if I can't even stay up during the day. Sure I'm awake all
night, but if I sleep all day I feel so depressed I slept through the
day, I have no motivation to do anything.
Even as I type this, I'm really upset. I fell asleep today at 1 PM. I
am a huge sports fan and my favorite team had a game at 6 PM. I'll
admit, I forgot to set an alarm for 6 PM to wake myself up. Anyway, I
ended up waking up at 8:30 PM and missing the entire game. I found out
my team won, but this is the first time I've ever missed an entire
game.
Today is also my Mother's birthday. When I was still awake this
morning at around 11, I called her but she was out so didn't answer.
She tried to call me back at 1:25 PM and I totally missed her call
because I was asleep. I of course got to talk to her when I woke up
but now I'll feel horrible the rest of the night because I have been
asleep all day, and I missed the entire game.
And I'll be wide awake all night and tomorrow I'll get exhausted at
around 1 PM again.
And yet, when I determinedly try to fight this, my body battles me
with everything it has until I give in.
This is out of control!!
Does anyone else struggle with this?
Is there anything that works or do I have to go to the doctors and
admit these stupid ads Vanda has on the radio are true at least for
me?
The world is already so much about sight...I don't want sleep to be
about sight too!!
How do others deal with these sleep issues?
If I go to the doctors and say I get my nights and days mixed up will
they automatically assume I have this non 24 thing and immediately
contact Vanda no matter how much I protest?
Is there any way to lessen the exhaustion or something enough to stay
up the entire day so I can force my body to sleep at night?
I don't know what to do...
Thanks,
Kerri