[BlindTlk] Query about family vacations and blindness.

Thu Jun 28 06:55:52 UTC 2018

Hi all!
 I think that he does really want me at any vacation that we do together. However, I don’t think you understand what it’s like to be a landscaper. They spend 14 hours a day, sometimes, more, sometimes less, four days a week doing physical exersize, I mean, yard work that is igzosting even to most people after they do it for just two or three hours on a sunny weekend. Yes, I think it’s a bit much. No wonder the burn out!!! As for the home, I do things like the dishes, feed myself when he’s not home and with my strange house setting, I do what I can do around the house with it all conciddered. But I also do different activities relating to getting ready for college to get a climatology degree plus vollunteer at three different orgunizations and take an accessable tech class 3 times a week in preparation for this degree. As for the shopping, I do some of the smaller store runs but since I’m on SSI and our favorite groshery store is not on a good bus line, he does the big bolk shopping. There is no way I can do it with its current location. The cab, Uber and Llyft would all break the bank on my end. So I hope to clear up some of the mud!!! As for his family, I think that some of the other members really do need a reallity check. But not so much his mom because she’s got Artheritus and needs help of her own. This is why I figured out that the spot on the coast is the wrong spot for my boy friend and I to go on a vacation together. We have tried it 3 times and with exception of the first round, the other two just simply didn’t totally meet our needs dispite our best most valliant efforts.

Thank you for taking the time to read this Email!
Blessed be!!!
Kendra Schaber
Chemeketa Community College,
350 Org,
Citizen’s Climate Lobby,
National Federation of the Blind of Oregon,
Capitol Chapter,
Salem, Oregon.
Home Email:
Redwing731 at gmail.com
Chemeketa Community College Email:
Kschaber at my.Chemeketa.edu
Phone:
971-599-9991
“When the student is ready, the teacher will appear”, Author unknown.
Sent from my iPhone SE.
Sent from my Gmail Email
Get Outlook<https://aka.ms/qtex0l> for iOS
________________________________
From: BlindTlk <blindtlk-bounces at nfbnet.org> on behalf of Cindy Ray via BlindTlk <blindtlk at nfbnet.org>
Sent: Wednesday, June 27, 2018 6:32:42 PM
To: 'Blind Talk Mailing List'
Cc: Cindy Ray
Subject: Re: [BlindTlk] Query about family vacations and blindness.

Kendra, this is not the first time you have done this vacation. What do you
do for a job? How do you care for your own home? I agree that boyfriend is
being mean when he says he doesn't want to take responsibility. I get he is
tired, but I think that extent is a little bit much. Does he really want you
there? I really am confused by the whole dynamic between you and him.
Cindy Lou

-----Original Message-----
From: BlindTlk <blindtlk-bounces at nfbnet.org> On Behalf Of Kendra Schaber via
BlindTlk
Sent: Wednesday, June 27, 2018 8:09 PM
To: Blind Talk Mailing List <blindtlk at nfbnet.org>; 'Blind Talk Mailing List'
<blindtlk at nfbnet.org>
Cc: Kendra Schaber <redwing731 at gmail.com>
Subject: Re: [BlindTlk] Query about family vacations and blindness.

Hi all!
We have been together for over 6 years now and I've had a lot of time with
my boy friend's mother. However, his sister hasn't fully accepted me as
close family. But her mate has and their sun is only a year old. My problem
is getting everyone on the same page and getting everyone confortable with
that change. How would I go about making this change happen?

Thank you for taking the time to read this Email!
Blessed be!!!
Kendra Schaber
Chemeketa Community College,
350 Org,
Citizen's Climate Lobby,
National Federation of the Blind of Oregon, Capitol Chapter, Salem, Oregon.
Home Email:
Redwing731 at gmail.com
Chemeketa Community College Email:
Kschaber at my.Chemeketa.edu
Phone:
971-599-9991
"When the student is ready, the teacher will appear", Author unknown.
Sent from my iPhone SE.
Sent from my Gmail Email
Get Outlook<https://aka.ms/qtex0l> for iOS ________________________________
From: BlindTlk <blindtlk-bounces at nfbnet.org> on behalf of Judy Jones via
BlindTlk <blindtlk at nfbnet.org>
Sent: Wednesday, June 27, 2018 5:57:01 PM
To: 'Blind Talk Mailing List'
Cc: Judy Jones
Subject: Re: [BlindTlk] Query about family vacations and blindness.

Hi, Kendra,

I know how very important this is to you.  But what I am not understanding
is why your boyfriend is not taking more of an active role in helping any
girlfriend, sighted or blind, to acclimate and relate to an introverted
family.  Yes the difficult logistics are there for you, but this is
beginning to sound like more of a relationship dilemma.  Are you outgoing?
It sounds like you may be, plus very intuitive and intelligent.  You
certainly have no problem articulating your issues.

What would a sighted girlfriend do?  She may have a car and could go do
things, but that would not make relating much different if the family is
introverted.

About mom.  Have you had much of a chance to talk to her?  Is there a way
you could help her physically when she needs it, and in turn, she could help
you with the visual aspects.

I know just guesses on my part.  Trying to fit the puzzle pieces together.
But since this is your boyfriend's family, to me, if he really cares for
you, he has the responsibility of helping you to initially feel comfortable
relationship-wise with his family.

Does he want to go on these vacations?  If he does not, and they are hard
for you, don't go.

But if he wants to go, he needs to be a proactive leader here for starters,
and can still chill out when he wants to later in the vacation.  But he is
the one who should set the tone for you for his family.  It is his family.

I'm sorry if I am coming off harsh, because I don't mean to, but I would
hate to see one of my daughters in an uncomfortable situation, sighted or
blind.

Judy

-----Original Message-----
From: BlindTlk [mailto:blindtlk-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Kendra
Schaber via BlindTlk
Sent: Wednesday, June 27, 2018 5:23 PM
To: Blind Talk Mailing List
Cc: Kendra Schaber
Subject: Re: [BlindTlk] Query about family vacations and blindness.

Hi all!
 I agree with you on the sharing of the weight. However, I haven't been able
to convence my boy friend of this point. How can I actually pull this part
off? The friends are not my friends.
 They are:
My boy friend's mother who's in her 70's and is independent but does need a
hand in sertain things at times.
My boy friend's sister, her mate and their sun.
 Sometimes, My boy friend's best friend and his kids go but they can't go
every year.
 Unfortunently, it's a family vacation so if we do go, it's that location.
 Also, as for outlining the expectations, I'm sorry, that's a lot easier
said than done because this family doesn't truely knows what it takes when
you're blind or to have a blind person in the family. They have no history
of blindness of any form. They also want to do their own thing and most are
intraverts. They don't bother even offering me to join them. My boy friend's
mother mainly wishes to stay at the resort. The sister and her mate want to
spend time together which is totally understandable but they also have a one
year old boy to take care of. Because of this dynamic alone, I'm not sure if
they'd be willing to pull the extra weight even if I raised cane until the
eagles fly home. I almost think this is the wrong crowd for a blind person
to be going on a vacation with from the stand point of the whole idea of can
they even pull the weight that is required in this situation? Speaking of
this burden, how can I convay the importance of this burden while being as
fair as possable? When I mean fair, I mean, what does it all take for this
balance to be met, carried out and actually be done in such a way that it
benefits the whole family, not just one or two of us there. Yes, it's very
frusterating!!!
 Speaking of vacations, how have you gotten past this nasty barrier that I'm
having a lot of trouble with?

Thank you for taking the time to read this Email!
Blessed be!!!
Kendra Schaber
Chemeketa Community College,
350 Org,
Citizen's Climate Lobby,
National Federation of the Blind of Oregon, Capitol Chapter, Salem, Oregon.
Home Email:
Redwing731 at gmail.com
Chemeketa Community College Email:
Kschaber at my.Chemeketa.edu
Phone:
971-599-9991
"When the student is ready, the teacher will appear", Author unknown.
Sent from my iPhone SE.
Sent from my Gmail Email
Get Outlook<https://aka.ms/qtex0l> for iOS ________________________________
From: BlindTlk <blindtlk-bounces at nfbnet.org> on behalf of Vejas Vasiliauskas
via BlindTlk <blindtlk at nfbnet.org>
Sent: Wednesday, June 27, 2018 4:32:32 PM
To: Blind Talk Mailing List
Cc: Vejas Vasiliauskas
Subject: Re: [BlindTlk] Query about family vacations and blindness.

Hi Kendra,
That must be very frustrating.
I think whether or not this is the right vacation for you is really a
question which only you and your boyfriend can answer. I understand that he
enjoys relaxing after his very stressful job, but maybe you can look into
other locations that he might like for a vacation.
I think it's great that you want to be independent. I feel that the other
friends who you are going with should, however, pull some more of the weight
in helping you so it's not just up to your boyfriend. That way, when he's
tired, you can feel free to go with any of them wherever you all want to go.
Maybe if you still decide that this is the right trip, you could get in
contact with all your friends and, with your boyfriend, outline the
expectations of what you want to do and what help you'd need.
Hope this helps.
Sincerely,
Vejas

Sent from my iPhone

> On 27 Jun 2018, at 16:08, Kendra Schaber via BlindTlk
<blindtlk at nfbnet.org> wrote:
>
> Hi all!
> I have a query that both my sited boy friend and I are compleetly lost
> on
how to solve. Most years, we go to the Oregon coast with my boy friend's
family for Independent's Day week. I have gone on this trip 3 times since we
met in 2011. I enjoy the nice resourt where we visit, the nice ocean beaches
and the little rock bowl where my boy friend and I have collected unique
rocks with almost each visit. However, dispite these and the awesome
firework show, there is a problem laying under the surfice. The location is
not anywhere near a bus line, getting from the resourt to the beach has
tricky tarain to navigate and where ever I rome while on vacation, I have to
have sited assistence to get there. I'm the only blind person out of the
whole group of sited people. Whenever it is not a meal, it's every man for
himself or herself. Everyone except me can go anywhere we please without
assistence most of the time, the big exception is the rock bowl. With this
setting, the only dependent things that's expected to be dependent are
children and pets. To add insalt to enjury, I have also had the problem with
not having cell service during these vacations which majorly cramped my
style of being able to text or call to everyone else during the trip myself
so if I wanted or needed to get that done, I also had to ask my boy friend
to also play messenger. I'm glad that I changed carriers since last year but
I don't know if it will improve my cell service itself for the next time I
go on this kind of vacation. Meanwhile, cell service or the lack of it is
the least of my worries with this query because I have bigger problems to
solve. Most unfortunently, this senario leaves me stuck between a rock and a
hard place because my boy friend and I have very different needs while we
are there. My boy friend is a landscaper who is experiencing endless job
burn out at the office and because of this, the coast relaxis him so much
that he can't easily function throughout the whole vacation. Meanwhile, I'd
like to go out and explore, go on to the beach, collect rocks and spend time
with everyone there. Mind you, my boy friend enjoys collecting rocks himself
and it's his very favorite activity that he does while there. Unfortunently,
my boy friend did admit to me last year that because of his burn out, he
finds it very diffacolt to fofill my needs during these vacations. In fact,
my boy friend feels most responsable for this task. On top of that, he also
says that he doesn't expect that same responsability from everyone else
there to assist him in helping myself while he is trying to get the sleep
that he needs to make up from his igzosting days at the office during the
vacation. He expects me to hold up to that same standard that I listed above
regarding the burden of responsability. As though he's suposed to take my
needs on or he be the only one apart from myself to take my needs on during
the vacation. Mind you, he also wants me to be as independent as possable
while I'm there. Mind you, this standard is out of good ethics, not out of
control. However, we are having trouble with meeting this whenever we have
gone on these vacations. As though that isn't enough of a sacrafice without
everyone else in the picture, I also land everyone else a major sacrafice in
assisting myself, rather as though I've been more of a burden than just a
fellow vacationer who happens to be blind. My boy friend and I have thrown
our arms up in the air in serender endlessly with trying to find more
balance during this annual occation. I'll give him credit where it's due
that he's pointed out to me that because of my lack of knowledge, I'm
putting as much of a sacrafice if not more on to everyone else there
including my boy friend himself as the trip itself is putting on to myself
just by my attendence. Because of these issues that I layed out, I have
enjoyed some aspects of the vacations but have come home feeling as though I
was not a productive part of the vacation even when I at least try to be
productive in trying to solve the problem of our different needs. I often
felt as though I was the cause of any and all trouble that has ever occured
during the vacations that I was lucky or unlucky enough to be there. Mind
you, I felt this even if it wasn't at all my falt. But most importantly, I
feel like I'm the sole burden, not the fellow vacationer, the one that
causes all of the sacrafices either to myself or to others while I'm there.
I also feel very powerless while I'm there, as though I'm on the wim of the
whole universe. My boy friend did suggest that I help out during the next
time we go on this trip. Really, it's about being as fair as possable.
Unfortunently, I didn't grow up going on vacations where every man is for
himself. Everyone, inperfections and all has always included me into a lot
of the activities during those vacations. I have always had to play a very
clear part on a team. I have had to do that at the Oregon School for the
Blind, girl scouts and family vacations that I had growing up with my birth
family. Since I don't get to go on vacations with my birth family any more
except for camping trips where I launch rockets, I now have to learn a whole
new vacation calture if you will. I'd like a lot of wise advice here. The
lack of it is driving both my boy friend and I insane! This area is also the
biggest headache in our whole entire relationship. My boy friend suggested
that I help either with meal preparation and/or clean up but neither of us
can think of other ways for me to assist while I'm there. My boy friend did
say that there are surprising ways where I could help out but even he
couldn't come up with what those things are.
> How can I as a blind adult take this kind of vacation on and be as
independent as possable?
> How can I do this while being as fair to the whole group as possable?
> How can I drive my life while on a vacation where every man is for
> himself
in the same way or equal to when I'm at home where the busses are located?
> How can I get past any sighted person stariotype that might be thrown
> at
me during this kind of vacation?
> How can I make the most of this kind of vacation while having to
> depend on
others to assist me?
> How can I do this in the most ethical, fairest way to everyone there
> as
possable?
> Does this all come down to communication?
> If I offer to assist and how to assist but get turned down, then how
> else
can I make these vacations fair to both myself and everyone else there?
> Is there truely a fair way to go about this whole thing?
> When nothing is offered, how can I get my needs met in the fairest way
possable while allowing my boy friend to do whatever he needs to do like for
example, how can I go to the beach with others who are already going while
my boy friend is taking a nap because he doesn't want to go because he's
igzosted from job burnout?
> How on earth can I even get around this barrier without causing a lot
> of
unwanted trouble to myself, my boy friend or others?
> Is it even possable for my boy friend and I to meet our needs on this
> kind
of vacation and come home from it with both of us feeling as though it was
the vacation that it's suposed to be?
> Is it even remotely possable for both of us to be truely happy with
> this
kind of vacation in the first place?
> Is this even the right kind of vacation for both my boy friend and I
> to be
taking on?
> If so, how do we take this adversity on?
> If not, then how can we go about it next time when we do have to take
> this
kind of vacation on?
> I suspect that there is something major that is missing on these
vacations. Can you please let me know, what do you think is missing with
this scene?
> We are totally lost in outer space on this one. I'd greatly appriciate
> any
and all advice on this matter!
> Thank you for your wise counsel in advance!!!
>
>
>
> Thank you for taking the time to read this E Mail!
> Blessed be!!!
> Kendra Schaber,
> Chemeketa Community College,
> 350 Org,
> Citizen's Climate Lobby,
> National Federation of the Blind of Oregon, Capitol Chapter, Salem,
> Oregon.
> Home email:
> Redwing731 at gmail.com
> Chemeketa Community College Email:
> Kschaber at my.Chemeketa.edu
> Phone:
> 971-599-9991
> "When the student is ready, the teacher will appear" Author Unknown.
> Sent From My iPhone SE.
> Sent from My Gmail Email.
> Get Outlook Express for IOS.
>
> _______________________________________________
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