[BlindTlk] frustrating home situation

Tue Nov 17 22:46:29 UTC 2020

I was just trying to think of things.

It really would be worth talking to them.

By chance, are you the oldest?

I can tell you that having been a parent, sometimes, with the oldest,
parents are still going through firsts.  The first to graduate from high
school, etc.  They're growing along with their older children, so if you are
the eldest, you can set the tone, it's almost an advantage for you.

You've hit milestones of graduating from high school and becoming an adult,
so you will have to help them along with that, too.

Judy

-----Original Message-----
From: BlindTlk <blindtlk-bounces at nfbnet.org> On Behalf Of Madison Martin via
BlindTlk
Sent: Tuesday, November 17, 2020 2:38 PM
To: 'Blind Talk Mailing List' <blindtlk at nfbnet.org>
Cc: maddymartin at mymts.net
Subject: Re: [BlindTlk] frustrating home situation

Mom does all the cleaning except for vacuuming which Dad does. Dad does all
the cooking. I'm a picky eater so I don't generally eat Dad cooks. 

-----Original Message-----
From: BlindTlk <blindtlk-bounces at nfbnet.org> On Behalf Of Judy Jones via
BlindTlk
Sent: November 17, 2020 4:15 PM
To: 'Blind Talk Mailing List' <blindtlk at nfbnet.org>
Cc: Judy Jones <sonshines59 at gmail.com>
Subject: Re: [BlindTlk] frustrating home situation

Hi, Madison,

First of all, I'm sure we're all behind you on this list.

One thing I have seen in common from your responses on this list and others,
that when suggestions are given, they are summarily rejected.

Granted, we're not in your living situation, but you need to start thinking
like a problem-solver.  If any of our suggestions aren't working for you,
then you will have to come up with your own solutions that will work for
you.

Take the problems out of the way.  You'll have to be your own
problem-solver, that is what we all have had to learn to do in order to make
it in life.

you would need to persuade your folks by your actions maybe at first, if not
by your words.  Examples.  Take on more of the cooking, or cook for
yourself.  Do more of the household chores, take on more personal grooming
and schedule para to go out, or anything else you can do to show them the
adult you are.  

You've basically had a two year "break" from high school, so you should
seriously look at ways of becoming more independent, and now.

Talk to a CNIB counselor, talk to Mary Ellen, I can send you her information
again if you need it, but get some support for what you are trying to do.
You are going to have to use the resources available.  If you need it, get
yourself into a center for daily living skills to equip you to be out on
your own.  You've got to do this for you.

Another thing a VR counselor can do is give you an interest test that may
bring out some surprising positive results of interests you have you didn't
realize, and can move forward with plans for your life and moving forward.

It sounds like stuck at home is getting to you, and that will not change
unless you take control of your situation yourself.  If any of us could wave
a wand and make it happen for you, I'm sure we would love to, we all want to
see our blind brothers and sisters succeed.

We're here to advise and help, but you have to do the work.

You have a golden time window, being a couple years out of high school, but
the older you get, the harder it will be to pick up the reins of your life
again, you've got to make it happen for yourself and get people behind you
to support you, and this list will support you inasmuch as a listserv can.

Judy

-----Original Message-----
From: BlindTlk <blindtlk-bounces at nfbnet.org> On Behalf Of Madison Martin via
BlindTlk
Sent: Tuesday, November 17, 2020 1:18 PM
To: 'Blind Talk Mailing List' <blindtlk at nfbnet.org>
Cc: maddymartin at mymts.net
Subject: Re: [BlindTlk] frustrating home situation

I'm not sure they'd listen to me, or at least not Mom.

-----Original Message-----
From: BlindTlk <blindtlk-bounces at nfbnet.org> On Behalf Of Judy Jones via
BlindTlk
Sent: November 16, 2020 5:36 PM
To: 'Blind Talk Mailing List' <blindtlk at nfbnet.org>
Cc: Judy Jones <sonshines59 at gmail.com>
Subject: Re: [BlindTlk] frustrating home situation

Another thought.

Can you sit down with your folks, and discuss your need for more
independence, a possible modest allowance, if you don't already have one?
Your need to have your own things be yours?

For about three years, our older daughter came back to the "nest," for about
five years until she got married in 2015.  

Chris was newly retired then, I was starting back to work, and Jada had her
own job.  Of course we would have provided groceries for her, had she needed
that, but she got work right away.

We would share our groceries with her, and she shared some of hers with us,
but we would check with each other before we ate.

We also would eat sometimes at different times.  Jada, of course, could use
the kitchen any time she liked anyway.

One time we were talking about this, and our relationship with her at that
time was more like housemates.

We all had our own schedules, our own errands, our own things we did, but we
also enjoyed each other's company.

When trying to explain this to our younger daughter, it was hard for her to
understand, because the last time she was living with us was as a minor.
She started fulltime work at age eighteen, had her own place, and kept that
job until she was 25.  She married at 27, and is now 30, hard to believe.

Judy

-----Original Message-----
From: BlindTlk <blindtlk-bounces at nfbnet.org> On Behalf Of Madison Martin via
BlindTlk
Sent: Monday, November 16, 2020 3:01 PM
To: blindtlk at nfbnet.org
Cc: maddymartin at mymts.net
Subject: [BlindTlk] frustrating home situation

Hi all,
Hope this is okay to talk about hear, I just really need to vent. 
I forgot to say that Dad and I went out for super on Saturday to get away
from the craziness. Plus I don't eat pizza. Makayla's biggest issue is that
her and Mom are too much a like, so they're always at each other and she
thinks that Mom is always mad at her when she isn't. Dad takes
anti-depressant meds, but I think he watches and reads way too much news. I
also think he drinks way too much coffie and alcohol, and he also needs to
lose weight. Makayla also likes to nag me about stuff that Mom and Dad don't
bug me about, I already have two parents I don't want or need a third. I'm
an adult so I think I should be allowed to make my own decisions and not get
told what to do. Mom also loves to be in control all the time which is very
annoying. None of us are very good at talking about and sharing our
feelings, if we were a normal family then we could talk about this stuff,
but we aren't. I know that a therapist can't necessarily solve our problems,
but hopefully they could give us ways to cope. Mom is the one that needs the
most help, but we know that she wouldn't go or talk.  
I don't know that Mom would ever join us, and I don't know if Makayla even
wants to go. I'd consider it, but only if we found the right therapist.
There are many I'm sure, but they're not all the same. I'd love to move out,
but I don't think I want to live by myself. I used to think that Dad and I
should go live together, but now I'm not so sure. I already told you about
his issues, and he also nags me about stuff mainly personal hygiene stuff,
mainly showiering. I don't go anywhere so I really don't care how I look or
if I smell. Plus the less we shower the less water we use, and the less
product we have to buy. As an adult, should I not be allowed to make my own
decsions even when it comes to personal hygiene? Sometimes I feel like I'm
treated more like a kid then the adult that I am and should be allowed to
be. Makayla would probably just yell at me, she wouldn't actually teach me
how to do something. She quite often just says "If you want something then
why not just learn to do it yourself." She also bugs me about stuff and
tells me what to do too. She's also gotten really bad at just taking things
without asking, mainly food. Sometimes someone buys something for themselves
or for someone else (that's not her), but she just sees things and assumes
she can eat or use them, when she can't always. If she'd just ask then
chances are she could eat some of or use some of whatever it is, but she
doesn't. Dad does this too, not as much though. We made fudge a few months
ago, and she ate a few pieces without asking. It had to be kept in the
fridge so Mom would cut up a few pieces and put them out to warm up a bit.
Now if we make it again she's not allowed to have any because she didn't ask
the first time, she blew it. What's fair is fair. Plus the last few times
she's made stuff she hasn't asked me if I'd like any, not that I would
unless it's plain.
It's just annoying when Mom or Dad buys me something and then I don't really
get any because she's eaten it. Dad says I'm going to have to start hiding
stuff in my room, which would be weird, if it gets to that then I think we
have a real problem on our hands. Plus she's good at noticing/finding things
that Mom has tried to hide, in particular chocolate.
Mom isn't always good at sharing either, but I just ask and if she says no
then I don't touch it. We might have to start putting our names on things,
which Makayla did yesterday, when she got this macaronie dinner from Sobeys,
which I didn't get. If she wants her own then that's fine, but I like them
too, so I should've gotten one too. I've learned that if someone gets
something for me, whether it's a dinner or snack stuff I have to eat it
right away or else there might not be any/one left when I really want
it/some.  She yells at me when we're doing dishes because apparently I don't
dry them right. Now I just wait for her to finish washing and then I dry.
I've tried talking to Mom, but that didn't really work/help. She thought
that I was talking about some particular time or decision that I want to
make, but I was just talking about in general. I still collect animal
figurenes, and she has this weird thing that if it's too close to my
birthday or Christmas then I can't buy anything, even though when I'm
looking at stuff it usually over a month until either event. I do it because
I worry that she won't like the look of the figurine that I'm asking for so
she won't buy it for me, regardless of how much I want it. Like last
Christmas I asked for this particular husky, well she didn't buy it for me
because she said that she didn't like it's face, it was too pointy, but the
2 that she got me looked way more like wolves then huskies. It's my money,
should I not be allowed to spend it when and how I want?
Any thoughts/suggestions? Like I said, I just really needed to vent, so if
no one answers then that's fine. Thanks for letting me do it anyway.
Madison   

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