[blparent] Choosing Your Battles with Your Children

[Deborah Kent Stein]

I think a therapist might be very helpful, as long as he/she makes it clear 
that the issue has to do with everyone in the family.  A therapist can help 
a family set guidelines about rules and expectations and get everyone to 
agree to follow them, then check back to insure that the program is in place 
and working effectively.  It should be clear that no one person is "the 
Problem."

Debbie


----- Original Message ----- 
From: "Veronica Smith" <madison_tewe at spinn.net>
To: "'NFBnet Blind Parents Mailing List'" <blparent at nfbnet.org>
Sent: Wednesday, January 13, 2010 10:19 PM
Subject: Re: [blparent] Choosing Your Battles with Your Children


>I don't agree that a therapist is the right path.  The only thing  that 
>will
> do is make him think that "the new mom" thinks he's losing his mind.  But
> doing activities outside of the home as a family is a great idea.  V
>
> -----Original Message-----
> From: blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org] On
> Behalf Of Pickrell, Rebecca M (TASC Inc)
> Sent: Wednesday, January 13, 2010 5:48 AM
> To: NFBnet Blind Parents Mailing List
> Subject: Re: [blparent] Choosing Your Battles with Your Children
>
> Two words for you, family therapy. You all need a good therapist who can
> both explain to you where he's been in life re his experiences with his
> mom, and also to him that he really is safe. And you'll need to do day
> to day work on this too, explaining probably won't cut it based on
> things you've written about his mom.
> You all may also want to look seriously at doing something as a family
> outside the house, volunteering with the Humane Society or something
> with animals comes to mind because there is a need out there, and he'll
> be able to care for and feel a sense of pride in taking care of another
> living being without full-time 24/7 ownership responsibilities.
> Sounds like he doesn't value "stuff" in the tranditional sense and
> taking things away doesn't matter to him.
> I'd be looking for a good therapist for the family, as well as finding
> some things you all can do as a family or just you and him. Why not ask
> him, if he could do anything, what would it be? Then really listen to
> what he says.
> Sounds to me like you're dealing with some ugly side effects, though it
> also sounds like he's just being a preteen kid too, only without the
> sense of security that is the ideal/norm??
> Finally, while you are frustrated, have you asked him how he feels about
> the rules, not so much with an intent of changing them but t to get his
> insights? Ask him at a time that isn't in the middle of a fight and
> again, just listen. Do that for all kinds of stuff and you'l be amazed
> at what you can learn.
>
> -----Original Message-----
> From: blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org]
> On Behalf Of Rhonda Scott
> Sent: Tuesday, January 12, 2010 4:40 PM
> To: NFBnet Blind Parents Mailing List
> Subject: [blparent] Choosing Your Battles with Your Children
>
> Hi all,
>
> How do some of you decide what is worth disciplining for, and what is
> really not a huge deal? In our house we have quite a bit of fibbing and
> lying, which is a very sore spot with me. We also have a tiny bit of
> Deven helping himself to things that don't belong to him because he
> feels he needs them for something he wants to do, or to food, which I
> don't mind so much except he eats in the living room and leaves a trail
> behind him. It really is a matter of asking for that screwdriver he
> needs to take the lid off a battery compartment to replace the batteries
> in a toy. But desk drawers where those are kept are 1 of the places off
> limits. He recently took sewing needles from my sewing box because he
> wanted to poke holes in something, and he did not take the time to tell
> me he broke those needles, or to clean up the remnants of the needles.
>
> So I'm frustrated, and trying to learn to pick my battles. I have tried
> explaining to him that some of the things he does can hurt people, like
> fragments of needles in carpets, and that asking would really get him a
> lot further than taking. But no taking away of things or discussing, or
> explaining are getting me anywhere with him. Nothing he owns seems to
> mean enough to him that punishing him by taking toys and such away makes
> any difference.
>
> Thoughts and feedback appreciated.
>
> Rhonda
>
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