[blparent] Choosing Your Battles with Your Children

Thu Jan 14 21:08:33 UTC 2010

These are great ideas, Leanne and I thank you.

Unfortunately, we do not belong to a church. I think I am the only person in 
our household who is open to choosing one. But perhaps there are community 
activities we can tap into. That will take some research. One thing recently 
is basketball tryouts after school for the next couple of weeks, then he 
will find out if he made the team. So we will have that to take away if his 
behaviors become major issues. He's very excited to be allowed to try out. I 
agree with you that he is tired of being punished and scolded by the same 
people. He has a teacher at school he looks up to, and he has a counselor 
who is relatively new, but who he is beginning to ask about in terms of when 
he will see her again. I think these are good signs.

My husband backs me up completely. If we have minor disagreements, we talk 
about them privately. It has just come to the point for me that I don't know 
of a punishment that will have any impact on Deven repeating the action in 
the future. Deven requires a fair amount of attention, and he will seek 
negative attention if he feels he is not getting enough positive attention. 
During the week when both Steve and I work 10 hour days, it's hard on Deven 
because he needs to entertain and amuse himself. Like Mason, he has a ton of 
pent up energy that gets him in trouble at times.

But at any rate, I think those of you who shared that activities outside the 
home would do wonders are absolutely right. We get nervous that he might get 
angry over something and have an episode in a group setting with lots of 
other children, but that would just mean he would have to miss out as his 
punishment.

Oh, and homework will be an issue here as well. The difference is, Deven is 
going into Resource, and not turning his in will not count against him at 
this time. We're very proud that he's making the transition from a self 
contained classroom to the Resource room. I just want to somehow encourage 
him to care about meeting his learning goals, and not think how cool it is 
when he learns he doesn't really have to do the work assigned.

Rhonda

----- Original Message ----- 
From: "Leanne Merren" <leemer02 at gmail.com>
To: "NFBnet Blind Parents Mailing List" <blparent at nfbnet.org>
Sent: Thursday, January 14, 2010 2:14 PM
Subject: Re: [blparent] Choosing Your Battles with Your Children

Rhonda,
Is he involved with any kind of club or group activity outside of the home?
I was having a lot of the same trouble with Mason until he started going to
Cadettes at church on Wednesday nights.  This has made a big difference
because I now have something to take away if he does wrong.  He actually had
to stay home this week because he didn't turn in his homework when he was
supposed to, and that has been an ongoing problem with him.  Once when he
knocked down a picture with his ball and it broke, instead of telling me he
tucked it under the couch.  Then when I found it and asked him about it, he
lied and said he had no idea how that had happened.  I had asked his sister
though and she had seen him do it and told me what happened.  So I had to
force the truth out of him, and since he had lied to me he had to miss laser
tag with Cadettes that week.  It broke my heart to do it both times, but it
worked.  After he lost the laser tag outing he didn't lie for a really long
time.  I'm hoping he'll get his homework in for a while now too. *smile*
The other good thing about the Cadettes program is that he has counselors
there that he looks up to.  I believe that kids need role models outside of
the home.  Parents of course have to do their best to teach them at home,
since that is where it starts, but I think kids get tired of hearing the
same things over and over from the same people, and having someone else that
they respect can really make a difference.
Cadettes is just like boy scouts, so that is the sort of thing I'm thinking
of.  Not sure if that is an option for him but it's a thought.
I've also gotten creative with my punishments, like making Mason run laps if
he is doing things because he has too much energy and needs to get it out.
I've also given him extra chores.
I do think you have to have clear boundaries and stick to them.  If he isn't
allowed in the desk, then he shouldn't be in the desk.  Hopefully your
husband is backing you up in these things.  You're going to get a lot
farther if you are united in your disciplinary measures.
Leanne
----- Original Message ----- 
From: "Rhonda Scott" <earthmagic7 at sbcglobal.net>
To: "NFBnet Blind Parents Mailing List" <blparent at nfbnet.org>
Sent: Tuesday, January 12, 2010 4:40 PM
Subject: [blparent] Choosing Your Battles with Your Children

> Hi all,
>
> How do some of you decide what is worth disciplining for, and what is
> really not a huge deal? In our house we have quite a bit of fibbing and
> lying, which is a very sore spot with me. We also have a tiny bit of Deven
> helping himself to things that don't belong to him because he feels he
> needs them for something he wants to do, or to food, which I don't mind so
> much except he eats in the living room and leaves a trail behind him. It
> really is a matter of asking for that screwdriver he needs to take the lid
> off a battery compartment to replace the batteries in a toy. But desk
> drawers where those are kept are 1 of the places off limits. He recently
> took sewing needles from my sewing box because he wanted to poke holes in
> something, and he did not take the time to tell me he broke those needles,
> or to clean up the remnants of the needles.
>
> So I'm frustrated, and trying to learn to pick my battles. I have tried
> explaining to him that some of the things he does can hurt people, like
> fragments of needles in carpets, and that asking would really get him a
> lot further than taking. But no taking away of things or discussing, or
> explaining are getting me anywhere with him. Nothing he owns seems to mean
> enough to him that punishing him by taking toys and such away makes any
> difference.
>
> Thoughts and feedback appreciated.
>
> Rhonda
>
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