[blparent] Choosing Your Battles with Your Children

[Pickrell, Rebecca M (TASC Inc)]

Rhonda, 
My intent wasn't to hurt you. Maybe it's me, but I have a hard time
figuring out when you want advice, and when you need to vent. 
I read your post as well as previous ones to basically say that Deven
has a lot of challenges, and the way you phrase things, I come away
thinking that you don't much like him. You say things like "But Deven
only wants to do what Devon wants to do" and "I can't trust him" and "he
speaks inappropriately" combined with "he needs to pull his weight" and
"he complains that he wants more time with us but his attention span is
short". 
Contrast this with how you talk about Steve, "he has trouble sitting
around" and you see that Dad and son have very similar behaviors, yet in
Dad this is positive and in son it's a negative. Why? 
As for your marriage being in trouble, I have no idea if it is or isn't.
I'll have o take your word on that. My point was only to point out that
working from home gives one an escape hatch, and a valid one when kids
or spouse become obnoxious. You and Steve both need to be sure you
aren't using work as that hatch. Also, most couples go through a period
of adjustment once they have kids both in schedules, free time, couple
time, family time and work. You guys are just doing that at a later
point. And, some couples do split when they have a child with special
circumstances. Nothing wrong with that, and there are some sound reasons
why this may happen. Not saying that's the case with you, just saying it
happens, and it's more likely to happen if either of you is feeling
frustrated as a chronic state of being.


I suggested a parenting class only because you've said yourself that you
don't know how to handle situations. It doesn't mean you're a bad
parent, it just means there's a skill you think you need to work on,
very much like the baby prep classes some of us have taken. The only
difference is that you're dealing with a ten year old. 
As for the car business and your schedule, all of us make changes when
we have kids, and these changes are not always apparent or easy. It may
be given Deven's issues that "meeting your schedule" is not something he
can do, or something he can do right now. It's like saying "We go out to
dinner every Friday and then go dancing, why the heck can't my one year
old do this". I understand the business was and is a lot of work and
money, and I don't have an answer for you. Maybe find a baby-sitter or
one of the many resources V and I have mentioned to you? To recap those
resources are 
1. YMCA
2church or other community activities 
3 sports 
4band 
5reenactments
You have lots of resources and tools, you just need to find what works
for all of you

-----Original Message-----
From: blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org]
On Behalf Of Rhonda Scott
Sent: Thursday, January 21, 2010 4:24 PM
To: NFBnet Blind Parents Mailing List
Subject: Re: [blparent] Choosing Your Battles with Your Children

I appreciate what you've said below, Debby. My marriage is indeed not in

trouble.

Quote unquote lashing out is not something I ever do, I only think of
doing 
it. I'm a very patient person for the most part, and it takes a very
long 
time and an incredible amount of stress to make me lose my temper.

Rebecca, I think you've misconstrued some of my wording, or gotten a
skewed 
impression of how things are in our home. I do not view Deven as a
problem 
child. Perhaps to you and some others that is any child who has
challenges 
or behavior issues. I view him as a child who can learn to make better 
choices and who has a lot of baggage to sort through from living in an 
unhealthy environment before coming to us. Yes, I get extremely
frustrated, 
sometimes angry, yes there are days when I feel down. But I am very
aware of 
my self, conscious of who I am and my own trigger points. I am also very

observant of Deven's patterns and have learned quite a lot about his 
triggers. Hmmm, I didn't think I said I never like him or can't learn to

like him all the time. It takes an insightful person to understand the 
difference between not liking a person, and not liking a person's
behavior 
or actions.

I feel I must have chosen poor wording to express my situation here,
because 
much of what you had to say I found to be hurtful and offensive at
times. 
Steve and I never tell Deven to scram, he is always invited to play
outside 
in the backyard, or hang out with us and talk in the shop. We have
simple 
rules like not touching tools without permission and not fiddling with
knobs 
or pressing buttons on equipment, but these are general rules I would
think. 
I could be off base here, but I don't think anyone's child always likes
the 
activity chosen, the choices they are given of things to do, who they
can 
hang out with, or the reasons why we as parents have a say in those
choices. 
I disagree about laying off family games. We cannot do activities
outside 
the home all the time. I agree whole heartedly that is something we need
to 
do more of. I feel too that kids need to realize sometimes they will win
a 
game, sometimes they will lose. I don't think avoiding those feelings of

disappointment will improve a child's ability to accept losing
gracefully, 
or learning with much positive reinforcement that if she/he wins the
game, 
it is not upsetting to the parents. I think in some cases, we probably
need 
to expose our kids to situations they might not like so much, not avoid 
dealing with potential feelings and reactions. Is that not how our kids 
learn that how they feel is OK, and some of what they feel might not be 
real? We're there to guide them.

We have been there and done the playing with the neighborhood kids
multiple 
times. I'm afraid you, and maybe some others here, feel I'm making Deven
out 
to be the bad kid in every situation. I'm not, but when he is out of
sight 
and has a pattern of lying, we do need to keep closer tabs on him. The 
neighborhood children have little or no supervision from their parents,
and 
though we would love for Deven to make more friends, we have also
witnessed 
fights, stealing, destruction of property. It is not always clear who
was 
the guilty party. So I would say those kids aren't good kids for Deven, 
especially when we're working on honesty and responsible choices. So
sure, 
the computer is a better choice in that scenario. However, isn't
learning to 
play by himself now and then healthy as well? Whether you feel it is
mostly 
me, or some of it is Deven too, trust is an earned thing for children
and 
adults. He needs to do his part in earning trust. I do not mistreat him,
I 
do treat him as the human being he is. I never make him eat things he 
doesn't like, I'm considerate of his feelings when dad is tougher on him

than I feel is fair, I rarely raise my voice to him, I don't speak badly
of 
his mother even when he tries to get me to say she's a bad person.

We are talking of a situation here where Deven's mother is not in the 
picture at all, not once a week does she call, not once a month. The
only 
time Deven has contact with her is when he calls her, which we encourage
by 
the way, even though each time he actually gets to speak to her, and
that is 
if she answers her cell phone, she promises to call him back and says
she's 
busy, but he never hears from her. It is very upsetting for him a
trigger of 
course, and it is tempting to not encourage him to call her. But I think
of 
myself as a sensitive person who wants to do the right things. So I can
say 
without hesitation that seeking coping techniques from mom is completely
out 
of the question. Mom, who told Deven when she had soul custody that his
dad 
never tried to call him, when in fact she did not answer our calls. I
would 
say she probably did not treat Deven as the human being he is. Yet, you
feel 
I need to do quite a lot of things to accommodate Deven. I happen to
feel 
even with his share of problems, or challenges, whichever doesn't make
me 
out to be the bad one, he does have the ability to work with us and do
his 
part and not put all the responsibility on us.

One area I do see your point about is the spanking after a bad day. In
fact, 
I think that's why I don't spank him. I never even mention spanking to
him 
anymore, have only thought about doing it.

The business we operate is a fairly large investment and it's our
living. We 
don't use it for an excuse to neglect being good parents. But we do have
to 
keep long hours and fit in activities in small slots, with the exception
of 
Sunday, when Steve and I work hard to spend the day together as a
family. 
Balancing work and being parents is not impossible and we are still
learning 
how to do that. We were not as busy before, and we will get busier in
the 
near future. It is our responsibility to make time for our son, but I
think 
it's his responsibility to work with our schedule at times and do what
we 
ask him to do. He is given the choice to be with us, and offered things
to 
do. Last weekend it was Monster Trucks with dad or a friend's house. He
can 
choose to be with us, but often chooses TV or video games. Of course,
maybe 
saying all of this is me being stubborn.

I don't have to reassess my marriage for a moment, that is not the area
I 
came to this list to seek suggestions and advice about. I came here to
ask 
for suggestions from other blind parents, advice on how to treat various

situations, and yes, to find others who might have similar feelings that
I 
have, offer some coping strategies. I would say that means I do want to
work 
hard on myself, not blame my step son for everything happening here.

Rhonda

----- Original Message ----- 
From: "Deborah Kent Stein" <dkent5817 at att.net>
To: "NFBnet Blind Parents Mailing List" <blparent at nfbnet.org>
Sent: Thursday, January 21, 2010 1:15 PM
Subject: Re: [blparent] Choosing Your Battles with Your Children





It sounds to me like Rhonda is working hard to navigate a very stressful
situation.  I don't get the impression from her posts that her marriage
is
in trouble, and it really is not our business on this list to try to
analyze
anyone's personal situation.  Our focus is issues that pertain to being
a
blind parent.

Debbie

----- Original Message ----- 
From: "Pickrell, Rebecca M (TASC Inc)" <REBECCA.PICKRELL at tasc.com>
To: "NFBnet Blind Parents Mailing List" <blparent at nfbnet.org>
Sent: Thursday, January 21, 2010 11:47 AM
Subject: Re: [blparent] Choosing Your Battles with Your Children


> Hi Rhonda.
> I think V's suggestion of having Deven help in the garage and the YMCA
> is a great one.
> I also think that you need to talk with Steve. His going from task to
> task and "inability to sit still" apparently works for him. You chose
to
> marry him, so that trait isn't a deal braker for you. Why not ask him
> and maybe his mom for coping techniques rather than viewing Deven as
> being a "problem child".
> As for computer time, v. going outside, I think that if it's a choice
> between Deven playing with the bad boys (and girls too), then the
> computer time is better. The last thing you want is for a good kid
with
> poor decision-making abilities to hang around bad kids. You also
> probablywant to make sure these kids are real trouble v. just being
kids
> who may think differently then you do. In any event, I don't think
> saying "Scram, I have work to do" is the approach you want to take.
> As for family day, I'd lay off the games. Some kids just don't like
> playing games with their parents because either way they feel bad. If
> they lose the game, then they are "loosers" and they've disappointed
mom
> or dad. If they win, then Mom or Dad lost, and they must feel bad
about
> that right? So, I'd try to find other things for you all to do.
> Finally, I'd have a talk with Steve. He needs to understand that he's
> got full custody of Deven now, so he can't escape into the garage and
do
> "work". He and Devon can work in the garage together, but it isn't
okay
> for Steve to decide he's had enough and go out into the garage. You
need
> to put your foot down on this one.
> Finally, you need to figure out why you'd want to spank a kid after a
> bad day. Why would you want to inflict pain and humiliation ona person
> no matter the circumstances? Would you want someone to treat your
> daughter or son this way? If you simply don't know how to deal, I'd
look
> into a parenting class. If lashing out is your normal patern, I'd go
to
> a doctor, get a checkup and pay attention to your own trigger points,
> i.e. hunger, thirst, being too hot or too cold, being too overtired,
> stuff like that, so you can get a grip and treat Deven like the human
> being he is.
> Finally, if you can't or simply don't want to learn to at least like
> Deven, you need to figure out if the marriage with his dad is what you
> want. It's okay to not want it. Better to be honest then be ugly
toward
> Deven who doesn't have a choice in living with you and in taking
> whatever you or Steve dish out.
> Good luck with whatever you guys decide to do. I think finding an
> activity outside of the home and guidingDeven toward things he values
> will make a world of difference.
> Finally, have you asked him what he likes so much about online games?
> You may be surprised by the answers and be able to find a real-world
> activity with the same elements. Reenactting comes right to my mind.
> 


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