[blparent] Choosing Your Battles with Your Children

Fri Jan 22 16:42:09 UTC 2010

Veronica,

You are right, I just need to believe in myself. My husband supports me so 
well. But he says as yours does, that I have patience for so much except 
when it comes to Deven. He has his moments too though, so I get the chance 
to tease him about that.

And it is a wise and reassuring thing to talk with other parents and find 
that he is not really so much different in a lot of his ways. That helps me 
feel stronger in dealing with his attitudes and behaviors.

I didn't get the chance to be a parent till now, and I'm almost 40. But God 
has a reason for everything. Maybe I am the one to help Deven be everything 
he can be, and it's my chance to do that finally.

So thank you so much for sharing your perspective.

Rhonda

----- Original Message ----- 
From: "Veronica Smith" <madison_tewe at spinn.net>
To: "'NFBnet Blind Parents Mailing List'" <blparent at nfbnet.org>
Sent: Thursday, January 21, 2010 9:55 PM
Subject: Re: [blparent] Choosing Your Battles with Your Children

Rhonda, you sound like a really good parent.  Parenting is tough for anyone.
I always wanted children in my 20's, but for some reason God wanted me to be
40 before I had my first and only child.  I used to think I would have been
more patient in my 20's and when Gab was tiny I had all the patience in the
world, but now that she is older and more opinionated, patience has flown
out the window.
I am the first to  admit that I lose my cool more than I should, but that
doesn't mean that I love my daughter any less.  She is a good girl, but
doesn't always want to be with mom and dad.  Sometimes she takes refuge in
front of Sponge bob or lately the chipmunks.  I always try to encourage her
to do activities outdoors, but that just doesn't seem to be her thing.
Actually I have to push her out. (Not literally) but you know what I mean.
Some days DS lite is her thing, other days reading books.  She is 10 and
seems to be just like all the other 10 year olds around.
I know I am doing a good job because when I ask other parents what their
children are doing, they all seem to be doing the same kind of stuff.
My husband says I have patience for everything except my own child, I guess
this is because I expect more from her.  V

-----Original Message-----
From: blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org] On
Behalf Of Rhonda Scott
Sent: Thursday, January 21, 2010 2:24 PM
To: NFBnet Blind Parents Mailing List
Subject: Re: [blparent] Choosing Your Battles with Your Children

I appreciate what you've said below, Debby. My marriage is indeed not in
trouble.

Quote unquote lashing out is not something I ever do, I only think of doing
it. I'm a very patient person for the most part, and it takes a very long
time and an incredible amount of stress to make me lose my temper.

Rebecca, I think you've misconstrued some of my wording, or gotten a skewed
impression of how things are in our home. I do not view Deven as a problem
child. Perhaps to you and some others that is any child who has challenges
or behavior issues. I view him as a child who can learn to make better
choices and who has a lot of baggage to sort through from living in an
unhealthy environment before coming to us. Yes, I get extremely frustrated,
sometimes angry, yes there are days when I feel down. But I am very aware of

my self, conscious of who I am and my own trigger points. I am also very
observant of Deven's patterns and have learned quite a lot about his
triggers. Hmmm, I didn't think I said I never like him or can't learn to
like him all the time. It takes an insightful person to understand the
difference between not liking a person, and not liking a person's behavior
or actions.

I feel I must have chosen poor wording to express my situation here, because

much of what you had to say I found to be hurtful and offensive at times.
Steve and I never tell Deven to scram, he is always invited to play outside
in the backyard, or hang out with us and talk in the shop. We have simple
rules like not touching tools without permission and not fiddling with knobs

or pressing buttons on equipment, but these are general rules I would think.

I could be off base here, but I don't think anyone's child always likes the
activity chosen, the choices they are given of things to do, who they can
hang out with, or the reasons why we as parents have a say in those choices.

I disagree about laying off family games. We cannot do activities outside
the home all the time. I agree whole heartedly that is something we need to
do more of. I feel too that kids need to realize sometimes they will win a
game, sometimes they will lose. I don't think avoiding those feelings of
disappointment will improve a child's ability to accept losing gracefully,
or learning with much positive reinforcement that if she/he wins the game,
it is not upsetting to the parents. I think in some cases, we probably need
to expose our kids to situations they might not like so much, not avoid
dealing with potential feelings and reactions. Is that not how our kids
learn that how they feel is OK, and some of what they feel might not be
real? We're there to guide them.

We have been there and done the playing with the neighborhood kids multiple
times. I'm afraid you, and maybe some others here, feel I'm making Deven out

to be the bad kid in every situation. I'm not, but when he is out of sight
and has a pattern of lying, we do need to keep closer tabs on him. The
neighborhood children have little or no supervision from their parents, and
though we would love for Deven to make more friends, we have also witnessed
fights, stealing, destruction of property. It is not always clear who was
the guilty party. So I would say those kids aren't good kids for Deven,
especially when we're working on honesty and responsible choices. So sure,
the computer is a better choice in that scenario. However, isn't learning to

play by himself now and then healthy as well? Whether you feel it is mostly
me, or some of it is Deven too, trust is an earned thing for children and
adults. He needs to do his part in earning trust. I do not mistreat him, I
do treat him as the human being he is. I never make him eat things he
doesn't like, I'm considerate of his feelings when dad is tougher on him
than I feel is fair, I rarely raise my voice to him, I don't speak badly of
his mother even when he tries to get me to say she's a bad person.

We are talking of a situation here where Deven's mother is not in the
picture at all, not once a week does she call, not once a month. The only
time Deven has contact with her is when he calls her, which we encourage by
the way, even though each time he actually gets to speak to her, and that is

if she answers her cell phone, she promises to call him back and says she's
busy, but he never hears from her. It is very upsetting for him a trigger of

course, and it is tempting to not encourage him to call her. But I think of
myself as a sensitive person who wants to do the right things. So I can say
without hesitation that seeking coping techniques from mom is completely out

of the question. Mom, who told Deven when she had soul custody that his dad
never tried to call him, when in fact she did not answer our calls. I would
say she probably did not treat Deven as the human being he is. Yet, you feel

I need to do quite a lot of things to accommodate Deven. I happen to feel
even with his share of problems, or challenges, whichever doesn't make me
out to be the bad one, he does have the ability to work with us and do his
part and not put all the responsibility on us.

One area I do see your point about is the spanking after a bad day. In fact,

I think that's why I don't spank him. I never even mention spanking to him
anymore, have only thought about doing it.

The business we operate is a fairly large investment and it's our living. We

don't use it for an excuse to neglect being good parents. But we do have to
keep long hours and fit in activities in small slots, with the exception of
Sunday, when Steve and I work hard to spend the day together as a family.
Balancing work and being parents is not impossible and we are still learning

how to do that. We were not as busy before, and we will get busier in the
near future. It is our responsibility to make time for our son, but I think
it's his responsibility to work with our schedule at times and do what we
ask him to do. He is given the choice to be with us, and offered things to
do. Last weekend it was Monster Trucks with dad or a friend's house. He can
choose to be with us, but often chooses TV or video games. Of course, maybe
saying all of this is me being stubborn.

I don't have to reassess my marriage for a moment, that is not the area I
came to this list to seek suggestions and advice about. I came here to ask
for suggestions from other blind parents, advice on how to treat various
situations, and yes, to find others who might have similar feelings that I
have, offer some coping strategies. I would say that means I do want to work

hard on myself, not blame my step son for everything happening here.

Rhonda

----- Original Message ----- 
From: "Deborah Kent Stein" <dkent5817 at att.net>
To: "NFBnet Blind Parents Mailing List" <blparent at nfbnet.org>
Sent: Thursday, January 21, 2010 1:15 PM
Subject: Re: [blparent] Choosing Your Battles with Your Children

It sounds to me like Rhonda is working hard to navigate a very stressful
situation.  I don't get the impression from her posts that her marriage is
in trouble, and it really is not our business on this list to try to analyze
anyone's personal situation.  Our focus is issues that pertain to being a
blind parent.

Debbie

----- Original Message ----- 
From: "Pickrell, Rebecca M (TASC Inc)" <REBECCA.PICKRELL at tasc.com>
To: "NFBnet Blind Parents Mailing List" <blparent at nfbnet.org>
Sent: Thursday, January 21, 2010 11:47 AM
Subject: Re: [blparent] Choosing Your Battles with Your Children

> Hi Rhonda.
> I think V's suggestion of having Deven help in the garage and the YMCA
> is a great one.
> I also think that you need to talk with Steve. His going from task to
> task and "inability to sit still" apparently works for him. You chose to
> marry him, so that trait isn't a deal braker for you. Why not ask him
> and maybe his mom for coping techniques rather than viewing Deven as
> being a "problem child".
> As for computer time, v. going outside, I think that if it's a choice
> between Deven playing with the bad boys (and girls too), then the
> computer time is better. The last thing you want is for a good kid with
> poor decision-making abilities to hang around bad kids. You also
> probablywant to make sure these kids are real trouble v. just being kids
> who may think differently then you do. In any event, I don't think
> saying "Scram, I have work to do" is the approach you want to take.
> As for family day, I'd lay off the games. Some kids just don't like
> playing games with their parents because either way they feel bad. If
> they lose the game, then they are "loosers" and they've disappointed mom
> or dad. If they win, then Mom or Dad lost, and they must feel bad about
> that right? So, I'd try to find other things for you all to do.
> Finally, I'd have a talk with Steve. He needs to understand that he's
> got full custody of Deven now, so he can't escape into the garage and do
> "work". He and Devon can work in the garage together, but it isn't okay
> for Steve to decide he's had enough and go out into the garage. You need
> to put your foot down on this one.
> Finally, you need to figure out why you'd want to spank a kid after a
> bad day. Why would you want to inflict pain and humiliation ona person
> no matter the circumstances? Would you want someone to treat your
> daughter or son this way? If you simply don't know how to deal, I'd look
> into a parenting class. If lashing out is your normal patern, I'd go to
> a doctor, get a checkup and pay attention to your own trigger points,
> i.e. hunger, thirst, being too hot or too cold, being too overtired,
> stuff like that, so you can get a grip and treat Deven like the human
> being he is.
> Finally, if you can't or simply don't want to learn to at least like
> Deven, you need to figure out if the marriage with his dad is what you
> want. It's okay to not want it. Better to be honest then be ugly toward
> Deven who doesn't have a choice in living with you and in taking
> whatever you or Steve dish out.
> Good luck with whatever you guys decide to do. I think finding an
> activity outside of the home and guidingDeven toward things he values
> will make a world of difference.
> Finally, have you asked him what he likes so much about online games?
> You may be surprised by the answers and be able to find a real-world
> activity with the same elements. Reenactting comes right to my mind.
>

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