[blparent] dealing with the public

Wed May 26 12:55:58 UTC 2010

Leslie, 
People at church often go to get their baby fix and if you aren't at
this point yet, you'll discover that these women can be a godsend
(pardon the pun) when all you want to do is sit for an hour and *not*
hold your baby. If you aren't there yet, you will be. 
To keep someone out of your baby's space, pick him up and bring him into
yours. It may or may not calm him down if he's not wanting to be held,
but it will keep these women at bay. 
As for your own emotions, I can't help you there. You'll find though
that as babies get older, they often want someone other then Mom. Mom is
still way important but we all need a change of person and scenery. Dad
is a "new person" so once he showed up, the women were okay with that.
Again, I wouldn't take this personally unless there's other data here
you've left out.

-----Original Message-----
From: blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org]
On Behalf Of Amy Murillo-Hicks
Sent: Monday, May 24, 2010 10:36 PM
To: NFBnet Blind Parents Mailing List
Subject: Re: [blparent] dealing with the public

This is a very good point.  Were these ladies at church older than you?

----- Original Message ----- 
From: "Jo Elizabeth Pinto" <jopinto at pcdesk.net>
To: "NFBnet Blind Parents Mailing List" <blparent at nfbnet.org>
Sent: Monday, May 24, 2010 3:21 PM
Subject: Re: [blparent] dealing with the public

> Hi Leslie.  I truly understand how hard it is to feel conspicuous in a

> place like church, when your baby is crying or fussing, and a bunch of

> well-meaning ladies gather around to help.  But as hard as it is,
remember 
> that it isn't all about your blindness, and it isn't usually even that
the 
> well-meaning ladies don't think you're doing your job, or don't think 
> you're a good mom.  A big part of it is, people generally love babies
and 
> get all gooey around them, and don't think about the messages they may
be 
> putting across to the mothers.  I used to feel that I was getting
judged 
> as a parent when people at church tried to take over, and then some 
> sighted moms told me that it had happened to them, too!  Everybody
likes 
> to think she has the answer when a baby is crying, and even if the
baby 
> stops for one given person or with one given activity like rocking or 
> singing, it could just be that the baby happened to be done crying at
that 
> moment.  So I would say first, take it easy on yourself, and try to 
> resolve any misgivings you might have that make you feel you are
getting 
> judged by others.  We're often harder on ourselves than anybody else
would 
> ever be on us.
>
> The other thing that helped me a lot was to get a couple of women at
my 
> church in my corner.  If you have friends there, or acquaintances who
have 
> confidence in your abilities, talk to them about how you feel.  Ask
them 
> to watch out for the times when others crowd around you and try to
take 
> over. I found that a few remarks like "She looks like she's doing fine
to 
> me" or "Mom's got it all under control" went further in getting people
to 
> back off when they came from others than when I said them myself.  It
was 
> like the ones who were taking over suddenly went along with the
consensus 
> of the group that I was doing okay by myself.
>
> The second tip I've gleaned from hard experience is, stick to what you

> say, even if you sound like a broken record.  Sarah and I were at a
church 
> potluck yesterday, and when it was time to eat, Sarah decided she
wasn't 
> ready and started to have a temper tantrum.  One of the women at
church 
> went right over to her and tried coaxing her, then ordering her, to
sit 
> down at the table.  Neither approach had the slightest effect on
Sarah.  I 
> just kept repeating that everybody should sit down and leave Sarah
alone, 
> ignoring the fit, and it would stop in under a minute.  Finally,
that's 
> exactly what everyone did, and as I predicted, in less than a minute, 
> Sarah came over to me of her own free will and asked to sit on my lap
and 
> have some fruit. Stick to your guns.
>
> If there is a particular person who persists in trying to take over,
as 
> there was with Sarah and me, you might have to confront her privately.
I 
> have a really good friend, who is Sarah's adopted Nanna, and I
wouldn't 
> trade her for anything in the world.  But especially in the beginning,
she 
> was always jumping in as soon as Sarah whimpered, or taking her out of
my 
> arms and disappearing.  I had to sit down with her at a time when I
wasn't 
> feeling hurt or offended.  I calmly told her the way she was acting
made 
> me feel that she thought I wasn't a good mom, or wasn't doing my job
well 
> enough.  She was honestly horrified.  She said she never intended to
make 
> me feel that way, and that she thought I was doing a great job.  She
told 
> me she was trying to step in and give me a break because she knew I
had 
> Sarah by myself most of the time all week, and she loved the baby and 
> wanted some cuddle time as well as giving me a chance to relax.  She
told 
> me if I ever felt that she was taking over, I should just stop her and
be 
> blunt and truthful, because she didn't take hints well.  Once we were
both 
> on the same page, she got her Nanna time, I got a break, and I didn't
feel 
> judged.  I've had to call her on her actions a few times--and she was 
> right, hints didn't work so I had to be forthright with her--but as
soon 
> as she realizes she's pushing too far, she's been plenty willing to
back 
> off.
>
> Sorry this was so long.  I don't know your exact situation, but I hope

> some of what I've learned over the last couple of years will help you.

> Just remember, you're a good mom.  All babies cry, and all babies cry
in 
> public places when we would rather they didn't.  That's no reflection
on 
> you, and neither are the reactions of others, whether they're
well-meaning 
> or judgmental.  Hang in there.
>
> Jo Elizabeth
>
>
> --------------------------------------------------
> From: "Leslie Hamric" <lhamric930 at comcast.net>
> Sent: Monday, May 24, 2010 3:41 PM
> To: "'NFBnet Blind Parents Mailing List'" <blparent at nfbnet.org>
> Subject: [blparent] dealing with the public
>
>> Hi group.  I wanted to tell you about a situation that happened 
>> yesterday.
>> My husband and I were at a church doing and he had left me alone with
the
>> baby for a few minutes to go talk with some other people.  Michael 
>> started
>> getting all fussy and crying and I immediately bent down to his
carseat 
>> and
>> started rocking it like I normaly do.  Well, besides having this one
lady
>> ask me things like do you want me to hold him, I can try, I love
babies, 
>> do
>> you need help rocking him, are you sure ou don't want me to hold him,

>> etc.
>> etc. I had three or 4 other ladies crowd around him, getting in his
face,
>> look for his pacifier which was right with my hand's reach,  and
start
>> talking to him which made him cry more.  Funny they all left me alone

>> when
>> my husband came back.  I know these women from choir and although
they 
>> were
>> wel intentioned, I felt very uncomfortable.  They indirectly made me
feel
>> like I wasn't doing my job. I kept saying, no thanks, I have it and
it 
>> still
>> didn't do any good. I'm wondering how have you all dealt with similar
>> situations in the past?  My second question is, is there a such thing
as
>> being nice but firm when trying to get well-intentioned folks to back

>> off?
>> How else could I have handled it besides freezing up and feeling
hurt?
>> Thanks for any input.
>>
>> Leslie
>>
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