[blparent] nikki's independence

[jan wright]

OK, I am not trying to be a wet blanket here and I certainly support
the NFB centers! Sometimes, though, it is not as easy as one might
hope!!! I will say that it is more difficult for people to go when
they have a child because the child will need money for room&board and
other things. So, if finances are  tight, it might be more difficult
to go. -- I am just being real here. I have a friend who wants to go
to Colorado, but is having  this exact issue. I believe in the centers
and agree that this is the best way of learning/honing skills! I am
just saying that it is more challenging when/if you have a child.
Another alternative is to find an NFB chapter in your area. Maybe one
of the  members will be willing to mentor you in some areas. this has
the added benefit of your parentswatching the process.
 but I want to say that when you live with your parents, it is more
complicated than just asserting your independence.
The fact of the matter is that   like it or not, "it is their house,"
and that fact alone gives them a certain kind of control, had they not
had if you would have been living on your own.  Take into account
that parents want to be needed and tend to coddle their blind children
-- at least many parents.
There is a certain dependency that one has when they live back with
their parents, regardless of  disability.
And, let's face it, it is easier (in some cases) to rely on sighted people.
Another point is that everyone is interdependent. I know that we want
to believe that we are an island and we stand alone, but we all need
help  sometimes and that does not make us les of a person. I don't
think that I would take the aggressive  "just take the cup" approach.
Maybe the result would be that you would pour the milk, but it really
(IMHO) has added future benefits. If it was your own house and your
own cup, etc. i would take said approach. But... ... (for what it is
worth)
nikki, I will suggest a slightely different approach.
First, what is the goal:
Is it to prove to your parents that you are capable or is it to just do it?
It seems to me that you want to initiate more control over your and
your child's life, you want to assert yourself as the prime caregiver
in your child's life and you want your self, your child and maybe your
parents to understand this.
What you don't want (because this is as equally important).
You don't want t o live in a household where you mimick the teenage
years of struggle and rebellion. You don't want your parents seeing
you as a rebellious child, just trying to assert your independence:
rather, you want them seeing you as a capable adult and more
importantly, you and your son knowing it.
  You don't want lots of confrontation because this will be bad for
both you and your child.
Yet, you don't want your parents to make all of the (or any) decisions
and treat you like a child.

I would try having an adult talk with your parents. Remind them that
you won't be living here forever and that  you will soon be out on
your own with your son. How do they think that you will manage. Let's
talk about the milk. What is the worst that could happen: -- you spill
the milk and make a royal mess. That is ok, you have the solution,
you'll clean it up. If they are concerned about how you might manage
on your own, tell them that this is the best place for you to practice
so that you can hone your skills for when you get out on your own. let
them know that you are in touch with other blind people who have all
ranges of vision and  manage quite well. When they ask: "How will
you," You can give your suggestions and tell them that you want to try
it to see if it works. If it doesn't, then, you are open to
suggestions. But, the goal is to get you doing it.  you can always
say: "I am not sure yet, but I'll ask someone who has already done
it." Then, when you get the answer, you will try it and try to perfect
it until it works. You don't mind if they give you suggestions, but
you  don't want them doing it for you because it is not going to help
you in the long run. They can be part of the solution and not an
"enabler." (ok, you don't have to use that wording). --smile.
And, the more messes you make, the more practice you will get with
cleaning them up to perfection... I am just sayin' it is true.
They say: "It just takes less time if I do it." I am not even going to
debate that one. They might be correct. But, tell them that you are
not in a hurry and the only way you will get faster is if you
continuously do it.
Take the initiative before they do. If your son is hungry, go to the
kitchen and start fixing something. If your son gets home from school
and you think it is time, say: "it is time to start on work."
Remind them that you still need them. You need them to be
grandparents. Their grandson still needs a grandpa to do all of the
things that grandpas do -- make a list of things that they can do
together.
then, it is time to have a clear list of objectives.
I mean, it is all well and good to have the talk, but there needs to
be a list of things that will gradually change.
Remember no one likes change and it will be more taxing on all of you.
Some people hate change, so your father might be resistant.
So, don't say, "I'll start making all of our meals." that would be too radical.
But, you might say:
"I want to contribute more to the household, afterall, i am living
here, also and as an adult, I should take on the responsibility that
goes along with sharing a house and I have learned from you how to be
responsible parents, so I feel that I should take on the
responsibility of raising my children and allow you the joy of being
grandparents -- not parental figures. Friday night will be my meal
night. I'll plan and make the meal." you can start off simply and work
your way up to harder things.
you might say: "In the morning, DAD, you don't have to get up, I'll
make son's breakfast and clean up all messes."
Remind your father that if it really bothers him to see the mess, he
can go into the front room or bedroom until you actually get it
cleaned up.
You could take the initiative with his homework by saying:
"Ok, Dad, Son has this, this and this to do this week. We will do his
spelling words tonight. he can read them to me. And, then, we will
practice his reading. Hmmm, did I leave out anything?"
your dad will check the printed material and see that you did not.
But, here is a key point that I want to make which makes things easier
when living with parents:
Don't make it an "me " and "them" kind of situation. Find out how your
father "can" contribute. I know that you might want to do everything
yourself, but your parents might actually want to be involved and it
would be a shame for you to deny them that opportunity just because
you were trying to prove something. But, here is the key for you.
YOU get to decide "HOW" they can be helpful. You can say: "Dad, I know
that you want to be involved. And, son does need you in his life. What
I could really use is..... " or "How you could really help is to..."
"Would you mind ...."  --- something to that effect.

Extended families are not easy. Also, know that many of these issues
are also faced by sighted people... maybe not to your specific extent,
but still, sighted children do face the same kinds of problems when
they live with their parents after adulthood. i hope that this has
helped.
   this is just my $0.02.
   Jan