[blparent] Nikki's independence

Wed Aug 24 20:30:07 UTC 2011

    Thank you so much.
I'm from IL.

-----Original Message----- 
From: Jaquiss, Robert
Sent: Wednesday, August 24, 2011 2:02 PM
To: NFBnet Blind Parents Mailing List
Subject: Re: [blparent] Nikki's independence

Hello:

     I haven't read all this long thread, butI don't recall reading what 
state Nikki lives in. Below is a link to a page listing all our affiliates.
http://www.nfb.org/nfb/State_and_Local_Organizations.asp

Nikki, if you haven't done this, look up your state, and contact that 
affiliate's president. Attend the nearest chapter meetings and ask for help. 
This should get you knowledgable people to provide you advise and some 
hands-on experience. If you want to attend one of our training centers, 
contact that center and ask for help dealing with your state's rehab agency.
I am not an attorney, but it is my understanding that you are entitled to 
rehab at a center of your choice. The LCB, CCB and BLIND Inc. are all 
excellent centers and when you are done, you will be a competent independent 
person.

Regards,

Robert

Robert Jaquiss
National Federation of the Blind
200 East Wells Street at Jernigan Place
Baltimore, Maryland 21230
Phone: 410-659-9314, ext. 2422

-----Original Message-----
From: blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org] On 
Behalf Of jan wright
Sent: Wednesday, August 24, 2011 2:32 PM
To: blparent
Subject: [blparent] Nikki's independence

Hi Nikki,
I just read the post about your father making arrangements with
another mother instead of believing that you could do these things
yourself.
Here is my question:
How did he treat you when you had more vision?
Was your relationship strikingly different or has he already treated
you as if you were less capable than you are?
If he use to treat you as if you were quite capable, then, you can
remind him that you are still the same daughter, you just need to find
alternative ways of doing things.

What do you do during the day?
Do you work? Do you have any free time?
I think that it would be a good idea to try and either
1. find other blind people to hang out and for support
2. find an activity that you can do -- just you and your son -- or
while your son is in school. Negotiate how you will get there and what
you will do. I agree, it is kind of lonely doing it on your own, but
there are small ways to help you feel and look more confident.

One problem that I have found when trying to "prove" something to your
parents is that this does not leave room for mistakes.
If you do it wrong, then they feel you have failed and project that on to 
you.
So, it would be better if you could engage as many people in helping
you be more independent . Then, they have a goal and are thinking of
solutions instead of their perceived problems. And, they can feel some
success when you achieve.
Would the women at your church help?
Maybe you want to arrange to meet them once a week and get there on
your own -- or something.
The bottom line is that "YOU" will have to change your behavior for
them to take you seriously.
this is not about proclaiming and fighting, but just doing --- doing
in small ways.
And, I know that you can.
I also know how easy it is to get comfortable with depending on others.
but, the more you do -- even if it is small at first, the more
confident you will feel.
Let me share a story about my SIL.
she won't mind if I share it.
She comes from another country where blind people and women are taken care 
of.
My dh came to the USa with her and they both came for studying.
She had never been out of the house alone. She had either gone with
her brother or her friends.
She had never cooked a meal, washed her own clothes, balanced her own
checkbook, cleaned her own house/room, etc. Her brother, my dh did try
to do as many things for her as possible when they were in college,
but, he too, had never done said things. They were quite comfortable
depending on others to "help" them. It was just "easier."  they were
taken care of.
Now, she lives on her own and does cook. It is slow, but she is
learning mroe and more about independence. But, she lives alone. She
pays her bills. She fixes her own meals. She has to clean her own
house. And, it is done because she "has" to do it. i taught her some
things. But, the one way that she learned was by "doing." At first, it
took her quite long to finish one task. And, sometimes, it was not
done like I would have done it. But, she got/gets better and better.
Really, it doesn't matter how dependent you are, it does not matter
how sheltered you were, it does not matter how afraid you are.
It starts with a step, a change. Pick one or two things that you
really want to do and find a way to start doing them.
Start small and continue at your own pace.

None of us think less of you for either depending on your father or
being in such a situation.
There was a time after I divorced my first husband that I had four
small children (5yo, 3yo, 2yo  and newborn. and i had to live with my
father. He went to work, so I had to cook the evening meal, but i know
the struggles that you are going through. It was not pretty and it
took me a long time to gain my confidence back.
... ... especially when you have other stressers like an unactive
parent, your child starting school etc.
some of us have been there.
      You might be able to say:
"I have decided that I am going to .....  you can watch me do it or
you might not want to, but I have made my decision."
some parents need to know that you are serious and if they see that
kind of confidence in you, then they might relent.
You know your father better than we do.
you are not less of a person because you don't know how to do
something or because you ask for help.... ...
Just remember, if you want to know how to do something, don't let your
blindness stop you from figuring out how to do it.
And, needing help is not an embarrassment, as long as you take control
of the kind of and exact help you need.

We can't change the past, but we can effect the future.
enjoy your day and let us know what unfolds.

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