[blparent] Nikki's independence

Wed Aug 24 22:31:52 UTC 2011

    If you don't mind, I'll answer that off list, if you email me.
Thanks.


-----Original Message----- 
From: sharon howerton
Sent: Wednesday, August 24, 2011 4:58 PM
To: NFBnet Blind Parents Mailing List
Subject: Re: [blparent] Nikki's independence

Nikki, where in Illinois are you? I feel as though I may have asked you that
before and, if so, I apologize for not remembering. Some of us on this list
are also from IL.
Sharon
----- Original Message ----- 
From: "Nikki" <daizies304 at comcast.net>
To: "NFBnet Blind Parents Mailing List" <blparent at nfbnet.org>
Sent: Wednesday, August 24, 2011 3:30 PM
Subject: Re: [blparent] Nikki's independence


>    Thank you so much.
> I'm from IL.
>
> -----Original Message----- 
> From: Jaquiss, Robert
> Sent: Wednesday, August 24, 2011 2:02 PM
> To: NFBnet Blind Parents Mailing List
> Subject: Re: [blparent] Nikki's independence
>
> Hello:
>
>     I haven't read all this long thread, butI don't recall reading what 
> state Nikki lives in. Below is a link to a page listing all our 
> affiliates.
> http://www.nfb.org/nfb/State_and_Local_Organizations.asp
>
> Nikki, if you haven't done this, look up your state, and contact that 
> affiliate's president. Attend the nearest chapter meetings and ask for 
> help. This should get you knowledgable people to provide you advise and 
> some hands-on experience. If you want to attend one of our training 
> centers, contact that center and ask for help dealing with your state's 
> rehab agency.
> I am not an attorney, but it is my understanding that you are entitled to 
> rehab at a center of your choice. The LCB, CCB and BLIND Inc. are all 
> excellent centers and when you are done, you will be a competent 
> independent person.
>
> Regards,
>
> Robert
>
> Robert Jaquiss
> National Federation of the Blind
> 200 East Wells Street at Jernigan Place
> Baltimore, Maryland 21230
> Phone: 410-659-9314, ext. 2422
>
>
> -----Original Message-----
> From: blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org] On 
> Behalf Of jan wright
> Sent: Wednesday, August 24, 2011 2:32 PM
> To: blparent
> Subject: [blparent] Nikki's independence
>
> Hi Nikki,
> I just read the post about your father making arrangements with
> another mother instead of believing that you could do these things
> yourself.
> Here is my question:
> How did he treat you when you had more vision?
> Was your relationship strikingly different or has he already treated
> you as if you were less capable than you are?
> If he use to treat you as if you were quite capable, then, you can
> remind him that you are still the same daughter, you just need to find
> alternative ways of doing things.
>
> What do you do during the day?
> Do you work? Do you have any free time?
> I think that it would be a good idea to try and either
> 1. find other blind people to hang out and for support
> 2. find an activity that you can do -- just you and your son -- or
> while your son is in school. Negotiate how you will get there and what
> you will do. I agree, it is kind of lonely doing it on your own, but
> there are small ways to help you feel and look more confident.
>
> One problem that I have found when trying to "prove" something to your
> parents is that this does not leave room for mistakes.
> If you do it wrong, then they feel you have failed and project that on to 
> you.
> So, it would be better if you could engage as many people in helping
> you be more independent . Then, they have a goal and are thinking of
> solutions instead of their perceived problems. And, they can feel some
> success when you achieve.
> Would the women at your church help?
> Maybe you want to arrange to meet them once a week and get there on
> your own -- or something.
> The bottom line is that "YOU" will have to change your behavior for
> them to take you seriously.
> this is not about proclaiming and fighting, but just doing --- doing
> in small ways.
> And, I know that you can.
> I also know how easy it is to get comfortable with depending on others.
> but, the more you do -- even if it is small at first, the more
> confident you will feel.
> Let me share a story about my SIL.
> she won't mind if I share it.
> She comes from another country where blind people and women are taken care 
> of.
> My dh came to the USa with her and they both came for studying.
> She had never been out of the house alone. She had either gone with
> her brother or her friends.
> She had never cooked a meal, washed her own clothes, balanced her own
> checkbook, cleaned her own house/room, etc. Her brother, my dh did try
> to do as many things for her as possible when they were in college,
> but, he too, had never done said things. They were quite comfortable
> depending on others to "help" them. It was just "easier."  they were
> taken care of.
> Now, she lives on her own and does cook. It is slow, but she is
> learning mroe and more about independence. But, she lives alone. She
> pays her bills. She fixes her own meals. She has to clean her own
> house. And, it is done because she "has" to do it. i taught her some
> things. But, the one way that she learned was by "doing." At first, it
> took her quite long to finish one task. And, sometimes, it was not
> done like I would have done it. But, she got/gets better and better.
> Really, it doesn't matter how dependent you are, it does not matter
> how sheltered you were, it does not matter how afraid you are.
> It starts with a step, a change. Pick one or two things that you
> really want to do and find a way to start doing them.
> Start small and continue at your own pace.
>
> None of us think less of you for either depending on your father or
> being in such a situation.
> There was a time after I divorced my first husband that I had four
> small children (5yo, 3yo, 2yo  and newborn. and i had to live with my
> father. He went to work, so I had to cook the evening meal, but i know
> the struggles that you are going through. It was not pretty and it
> took me a long time to gain my confidence back.
> ... ... especially when you have other stressers like an unactive
> parent, your child starting school etc.
> some of us have been there.
>      You might be able to say:
> "I have decided that I am going to .....  you can watch me do it or
> you might not want to, but I have made my decision."
> some parents need to know that you are serious and if they see that
> kind of confidence in you, then they might relent.
> You know your father better than we do.
> you are not less of a person because you don't know how to do
> something or because you ask for help.... ...
> Just remember, if you want to know how to do something, don't let your
> blindness stop you from figuring out how to do it.
> And, needing help is not an embarrassment, as long as you take control
> of the kind of and exact help you need.
>
> We can't change the past, but we can effect the future.
> enjoy your day and let us know what unfolds.
>
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