[blparent] school teacher - not an issue
Barbara Hammel
poetlori8 at msn.com
Thu Aug 25 19:10:13 UTC 2011
Nikki, if he has always done this your whole life, it's a continuation of
how he treated you as a child. You may need to sit down and have a real
heart-to-heart talk about how once upon a time you lived on your own and
cared for things. You're that same person--perhaps with a few new
limitations?--that you were then. You need to help him to stop being your
parent of a child.
Barbara
Let every nation know whether it wishes us well or ill, that we shall pay
any price, bear any burden, meet any hardship, support any friend, oppose
any foe, in order to assure the survival and the success of liberty.--John
F. Kennedy
-----Original Message-----
From: Nikki
Sent: Thursday, August 25, 2011 12:35 PM
To: NFBnet Blind Parents Mailing List
Subject: Re: [blparent] school teacher - not an issue
Oh boy! Does he step in when he shouldn't.
Here's another thing that bugs me.
He talks to the other mothers and fathers like I'm not even there.
It's weird and hard to explain.
I do have a hearing loss plus this blindness which makes communication
difficult with others, but it makes me sick when he talks to them like he's
the parent.
ugh!
-----Original Message-----
From: Jo Elizabeth Pinto
Sent: Thursday, August 25, 2011 10:54 AM
To: NFBnet Blind Parents Mailing List
Subject: Re: [blparent] school teacher - not an issue
Good morning, Nikki. It sounds to me like your dad really cares about you.
Maybe he gets in the way sometimes, but the comment about stumbling and
falling makes me think that it's hard for him to see you struggle, and so
sometimes he steps in when maybe he shouldn't.
I can understand this some because my ex husband came down with an illness
right after we got married, and it gradually took the use of his limbs,
among other things. I did a lot of stuff for him that I probably shouldn't
have because it made me sad to see him having a hard time, especially when
he'd been healthy and strong before. I had to learn the hard way that
taking over and doing everything for someone made that person resent you in
the end, and it sure didn't help him gain any independence or self-esteem.
Our marriage had other problems, but I think part of what happened was that,
only with the best intentions, I took away our equality as partners by
trying to make his life as easy and comfortable as possible at every turn.
It's something you and your dad might talk about.
Jo Elizabeth
"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself--nameless, unreasoning,
unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into
advance."--Franklin D. Roosevelt
--------------------------------------------------
From: "Nikki" <daizies304 at comcast.net>
Sent: Thursday, August 25, 2011 8:41 AM
To: "NFBnet Blind Parents Mailing List" <blparent at nfbnet.org>
Subject: Re: [blparent] school teacher - not an issue
> Thanks, Barbara.
>
> I did figure out what I did wrong and am going to have to go out there and
> practice.
> It isn't a question of, do I know the route?
> Because I've lived here my whole childhood life.
> But the need for Mobility training is a must.
>
> And yes, my dad was walking with me this morning and as we were coming
> back, I told him what I did.
> When I crossed a street, I veared.
> Now, I've been told that having a guide dog would help me with that.
> I've looked into it, got the interview, juno work, but when the addmitting
> process came, they dropped me and said no you're not accepted.
> I understood why and dropped the idea of having a dog.
> The reason I wasn't accepted is that I have a major balance issue and
> that's why I vear.
> I'm not very steady on my feet, even walking around the house.
>
> He did try to help me.
> It's kind of funny because I resist it.
> And I think it's because I think he doesn't understand no matter how I
> explain it.
>
> Going a little off topic here, but last night my friend was here to pick
> me up for church and I didn't catch the entire conversation, but she and
> my dad were talking about helping me.
> My dad said with goofiness in his voice, "all you need to do to understand
> how to help her is watch her stumble and fall a few times."
>
> So, IDK what you all must be thinking.
>
>
>
>
> -----Original Message-----
> From: Barbara Hammel
> Sent: Wednesday, August 24, 2011 11:08 PM
> To: NFBnet Blind Parents Mailing List
> Subject: Re: [blparent] school teacher - not an issue
>
> Nikki, you haven't at all proved you can't do it. You've just discovered
> what one of the things is that you pass on the way.
> Does your dad really think you can't do it now? Is he willing to teach
> you?
> You could go explore with him and talk about where all the sidewalks,
> driveways and streets go. Help you get a map in your head instead of just
> a
> route. If your dad won't help, take your son for walks on the weekend. I
> know he's a little boy, but there are many different things one can learn
> from their children. Ask him if he'd like to help mommy figure out
> something because you'd really love to come to school whenever he needed
> you
> to. What if he doesn't have his gloves and needs them for recess, then
> you
> could just run them down to the school.
>
> In the long run, what it all comes down to, is that we are our own worst
> critic. He may not even think you can't do it at all. It might be that
> you
> perceive he thinks that.
> It's a tough place to be but you're a strong woman. You can do this work
> and handle it in a mature way. Keep your chin up and keep trying. Laugh
> at
> your mistakes and use humor to lighten this situation.
> Barbara
>
>
>
>
> Let every nation know whether it wishes us well or ill, that we shall pay
> any price, bear any burden, meet any hardship, support any friend, oppose
> any foe, in order to assure the survival and the success of liberty.--John
> F. Kennedy
> -----Original Message-----
> From: Nikki
> Sent: Wednesday, August 24, 2011 5:23 PM
> To: NFBnet Blind Parents Mailing List
> Subject: Re: [blparent] school teacher - not an issue
>
> Ok… I think you’ve gotten it a little confused, twisted.
> Let me fix that.
>
> I know that it is only fair that I help out with the chores.
> But the reason I do the dishes sometimes and not vaccume, dust or laundry,
> has nothing to do with my parents not having the confidence in me to do
> these things.
> It has more to do with it being their house and them having standards that
> I
> know I couldn’t live up to. Meaning they have a certain way and if it’s
> not
> done their way the first time, they don’t want to have to take the time to
> do it again, or check for my mistakes. They don’t want to waste time, so
> they figure, if they do it, then they don’t have to worry about anything
> missed.
>
> The reason I do the dishes sometimes, is that I have a nerve condition in
> my
> hands where when they come in contact with hot water, they become tingly
> and
> hard to grab things.
>
> My dad does the laundry for economical reasons. He has a certain way of
> doing things.
> My mom cleans the bathrooms. She also works and my dad is an early
> retiree.
> IDK if he’s going to go back to work or not now that my son is in school
> all
> day.
>
> Anyway…
> I’m upset with the RTA here in IL because I’m supposed to get a phone call
> from …oh wait, my memory just told me it’s the Lighthouse that’s supposed
> to
> be training me with cane skills, but nothing.
> I’m finding that I really need Orientation and Mobility training.
>
> I went to try walking up to the school by myself, was doing fine, but
> somehow found myself going up someone’s driveway.
> It is so frustrating especially with that bright sun. I rely a lot on what
> sight I do have.
> Luckily my dad was walking and saw me.
> I have this drive where I want to do it myself, it being going to pick up
> my
> kid.
> My dad saw me mess up and it showed him that I can’t do it.
>
> I want to thank everyone again for all the motivational wisdom.
>
>
>
> -----Original Message-----
> From: Jo Elizabeth Pinto
> Sent: Wednesday, August 24, 2011 4:38 PM
> To: NFBnet Blind Parents Mailing List
> Subject: Re: [blparent] school teacher - not an issue
>
> Hi. As some have said, I think we need to keep all of this in
> perspective.
> Independence is important, but so is interdependence. Sometimes we can
> get
> into such a battle to do everything on our own that we forget our families
> and spouses have good intentions. They're usually, though not always, not
> out to undermine us.
>
> For example, in my house, Gerald balances both of our checkbooks and makes
> sure the bills are paid. Could I do it online? Yes. Have I done it in
> the
> past? Yes. But we've found a way to split up household duties that
> usually, though not always, works for us. We go to the store together to
> do
> the shopping. I do most of the cooking. He does the laundry because he
> said when we moved in together that he didn't like the way I did mine, and
> I
> told him he knew where the soap was and how to turn the machines on. I
> pay
> someone to come in and do some of my cleaning because it's more economical
> for me to spend that time working--I can make more money than I pay the
> cleaning helper.
>
> That's all personal, the way we've decided to handle things. But what I'm
> getting at is, it's okay, even desirable, to share the work and depend on
> each other in a household, no matter who lives there. Now your dad doing
> things for you because he believes you can't do them, that's probably
> something you need to work on fixing. But if the argument can be made
> that
> you live in his house, well, he lives there, too. You all do. So there's
> nothing wrong with working out a system of dividing up chores that suits
> all
> of you. Your son is old enough, even, to be helping out with some things.
> The point I would concentrate on is that he is your son, you do have the
> right to make the final decisions, no matter whose house you live in. But
> remember, a lot of us have that battle, even with friends we don't live
> with. My favorite line to use with a couple of friends who get overly
> pushy, wanting to take over with Sarah, is, "I'm her mom, and I'm not dead
> yet." It's gotten to be something we can all laugh over, but they know to
> step back, and they do it without resentment.
>
> Jo Elizabeth
>
> "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself--nameless, unreasoning,
> unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into
> advance."--Franklin D. Roosevelt
>
> --------------------------------------------------
> From: "Barbara Hammel" <poetlori8 at msn.com>
> Sent: Wednesday, August 24, 2011 1:14 PM
> To: "NFBnet Blind Parents Mailing List" <blparent at nfbnet.org>
> Subject: Re: [blparent] school teacher - not an issue
>
>> You've a point there. Vacuuming is one of the jobs I never got as a
>> child. I was the duster. Parents eventually tried teaching me but it's
>> just one--of the many--things that I'm no good at.
>> Better get to working on it, eh.
>> Now that Paul's not afraid of the vacuum I should try teaching him a
>> skill--besides how to throw all the little fuzz balls he picks off the
>> carpet and throws.
>> It's funny because he used to be terrified of the vacuum and I used to
>> start it up when he'd throw food to get him to stop. (He's always been
>> old enough to know better since we've had him.) The other week I went to
>> get the vacuum to sweep the basement carpet and he decided it might be an
>> interesting thing to check out. We took the hose out of its place and
>> played with the suction on his face and hands and tummy. Now we have to
>> stop him from wanting to help if he hears it running.
>> Barbara
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> Let every nation know whether it wishes us well or ill, that we shall pay
>> any price, bear any burden, meet any hardship, support any friend, oppose
>> any foe, in order to assure the survival and the success of
>> liberty.--John F. Kennedy
>> -----Original Message-----
>> From: Pickrell, Rebecca M (TASC)
>> Sent: Wednesday, August 24, 2011 1:07 PM
>> To: 'NFBnet Blind Parents Mailing List'
>> Subject: Re: [blparent] school teacher - not an issue
>>
>> So don't ask. Husband's job is to say "Thank you, honey" or to do it
>> himself.
>> Any other response is unacceptable and he knows it.
>>
>> -----Original Message-----
>> From: blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org] On
>> Behalf Of Barbara Hammel
>> Sent: Tuesday, August 23, 2011 11:44 PM
>> To: NFBnet Blind Parents Mailing List
>> Subject: Re: [blparent] school teacher - not an issue
>>
>> The same feelings one gets when one asks their sighted spouse how the
>> floor
>> looks after you ran the vacuum and the response is "It'll do." What the
>> heck does that mean?
>> Needless to say, vacuuming doesn't get done near enough.
>> Barbara
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> Let every nation know whether it wishes us well or ill, that we shall pay
>> any price, bear any burden, meet any hardship, support any friend, oppose
>> any foe, in order to assure the survival and the success of
>> liberty.--John
>> F. Kennedy
>> -----Original Message-----
>> From: Nikki
>> Sent: Tuesday, August 23, 2011 4:59 PM
>> To: NFBnet Blind Parents Mailing List
>> Subject: Re: [blparent] school teacher - not an issue
>>
>> Hi Debbie.
>> I feel as though I shouldn't have to prove my capabilities to my parents.
>> It is MY son, isn't it?
>> I shouldn't feel like I'm being controlled just because I live in their
>> house, you know?
>>
>> Rebecca.
>> I have a laptop and my parents respect my privacy, so no worries there.
>> If anything were to come up, you can be certain I'll make sure they hear
>> about it.
>> I am the youngest of 2. My older brother lives with his family.
>> As far as friends, I have a couple, but not going to talk to them about
>> my
>> feelings.
>>
>> V, my son constantly reminds me and my parents that I'm the boss.
>> So, if he wants something and asks my mom, she tells him, "go ask your
>> mom."
>> I'm the one in charge.
>>
>> As far as my dad doing everything, I'm ashamed and embarrassed.
>> I get frustrated when we're both in the kitchen, I get the milk and a
>> glass.
>> In the midst of what he's doing, stops and takes these items from me and
>> pours the glass for me.
>> Now, I'm able to do this myself and today, I told him, "what are you
>> doing?
>> I can do this myself."
>> IDK what exactly he said, but I think he said,"I know." I asked him,
>> "then
>> why aren't you letting me do it myself?
>> His response told me he has little or no confidence in me. He said, "I
>> just
>> washed the counter. I don't want to clean it again."
>> Do you know what that does to someone's self esteem?
>>
>> So, it's not so much me letting him do everything. His stress he has, is
>> brought on by himself.
>> I may need to fix some things with myself, but God and I are working on
>> it.
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> -----Original Message-----
>> From: Deborah Kent Stein
>> Sent: Tuesday, August 23, 2011 12:12 PM
>> To: NFBnet Blind Parents Mailing List
>> Subject: Re: [blparent] school teacher - not an issue
>>
>>
>>
>> Dear Nikki,
>>
>> Great news! The more you take control, the more your folks are likely to
>> see how capable you are.
>>
>> Debbie
>>
>> ----- Original Message -----
>> From: "Nikki" <daizies304 at comcast.net>
>> To: <blparent at nfbnet.org>
>> Sent: Tuesday, August 23, 2011 10:03 AM
>> Subject: [blparent] school teacher - not an issue
>>
>>
>>> Just an update...
>>>
>>> Hi all.
>>> I want to thank you all for the confidence boost.
>>> My dad, son, and I went to meet the teacher yesterday.
>>> I asked her if she could email me the handouts and I was very pleased to
>>> find out that she would be happy to do it for me.
>>> But my dad still requested the paper handouts for himself.
>>> IDK why, but it was rather upsetting that he feels he has to be
>>> involved.
>>>
>>> Anyway, success!
>>> Oh and I’m going to pick my son up from school, give my dad a break,
>>> lol.
>>>
>>> It’s confusing to me that my parents complain, mainly my dad, about
>>> having
>>> to do everything, but when I take a stand, it back fires.
>>> Meaning, it’s hard for him to accept me being independent.
>>>
>>> Nikki
>>> _______________________________________________
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>>
>>
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