[blparent] troubled parent
Melissa Ann Riccobono
melissa at riccobono.us
Thu Mar 24 19:28:47 UTC 2011
Hello Nikki,
Wow, it sounds as if you have your hands full! Here are a few thoughts for you. I am a parent of two young children, and I used to be a school counselor before my kids were born, so I've dealt with kids with a variety of behaviors in a variety of settings. This is certainly not to say my advice is any different than anyone elses'. It is to say I have some background on kids and share this for what it's worth.
First of all, your son sounds very smart, and smart kids often exhibit behaviors such as not being able to sit still if they are not being challenged or stimulated. You may want to talk to the school to see if you can have him tested to make sure he is getting the challenges he needs at school. Knowing his strengths also might help you find things in the community he can get involved in to help prevent boredom.
It sounds as if he also has tons of energy, so I would definitely not agree that he has to sit quietly in a chair all day. You may be able to force him to do this, but it really won't help him in the long run and could actually hurt his relationship with you and his grandfather. This is not to say that you should not have expectations and rules for what he can and cannot do. But making these expectations realistic is important, and so is making the rules very clear.
I would definitely agree with finding time to let him run off his energy outside everyday. Finding activities for him at a local YMCA or other organization might also be a good way for him to use his energy in a structured way he enjoys. Making sure he has fun things to play with that he doesn't get bored with too easily might also help.
I love Rebecca's idea about putting his things in time out instead of him. This could also translate into losing priveleges. Also, rewarding good/appropriate behavior would probably help. Telling him what you expect and then making a deal with him about what he will get if he can follow those expectations over a certain period of time. Again, you want to make sure the expectations are clear and reasonable, and you should start with shorter periods of time at first so he can have success quickly. Then lengthen the period of time and perhaps make the reward a little bigger each time. And, when I say reward, I don't even mean it is something you need to go out and purchase. Time with you, getting to watch a favorite movie, getting to eat his favorite lunch or dinner, or a play date with a friend can all be rewards he might really like and they don't cost much if anything.
I would also say starting small would be a good idea. I know you are probably very frustrated and you want to "fix" everything all at once. This will be impossible though, so I would suggest sitting down and thinking about maybe the top two or three things you really want to address and work on this week or month. Then really only concentrate on those things and see how he responds.
Finally, I would say counseling for him and you might be a good idea. A good counselor can really help you and him explore what, if anything, is behind these behaviors, and can help both of you with coping skills to reduce them. A counselor could also help you explore medication as a possible option, though I would be very suspicious of anyone who jumped on the medication bandwagon immediately and offered it to you as the only solution. Medication can be helpful in certain situations, but I personally think it should be an absolute last resort, and I know there are many other strategies to try before you get to that point. If you don't feel comfortable with counseling, perhaps you could find a local group for parents of young children you could join to gain more ideas and support.
The best of luck to you and your son! Parenting is difficult; our kids do not come with manuals! You are certainly taking a great first step in asking for help and support from others.
Melissa
-----Original Message-----
From: blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Nikki
Sent: Thursday, March 24, 2011 11:28 AM
To: NFBnet Blind Parents Mailing List
Subject: Re: [blparent] troubled parent
OMG! He has it bad. We've tried talking to him, reminding him of
consequences,
but it doesn't seem to do justice. Yes, he goes to Kindergarten for 2 1/2
hours everyday. He only goes for half a day because he's very smart. The
teacher has to warn him more often than other kids. He's your regular bouncy
ball. The teacher gave him a special chair to sit in because he can't sit
still. Doesn't seem to be working. My dad, his papa, said that he should sit
in one of our wooden chairs quietly all day or unless he's at school. He
also said that if this doesn't change his behavior, he's going to fulfill
his threats on spanking.
Hi,
OH sorry to hear about his dad. As to the time outs,It might drive him nuts
to have to sit still for 5 minutes, and that might just be the insentive he
needs to behave. Does he go to school at all? I know that when my son
started school his whole attitude changed because he was more stimulated at
school, so he was tired when he came home. He’s one of those never sit down
kids too, and nothing else worked except the time outs for him because of
that. He hates not being part of the action all the time, so he behaves
better when we remind him what happens when he doesn’t.
Tammy
From: Nikki
Sent: Thursday, March 24, 2011 12:15 AM
To: NFBnet Blind Parents Mailing List
Subject: Re: [blparent] troubled parent
His daddy abandoned him. He doesn't call or write. Time out, huh? Well,
I don't think it would work with my gremlin. He can't sit still. He's gotta
be constantly moving and that's trouble for me because I fatigue easily.
-----Original Message-----
From: Tammy
Sent: Wednesday, March 23, 2011 10:50 PM
To: NFBnet Blind Parents Mailing List
Subject: Re: [blparent] troubled parent
Hi,
Have you tried time outs? My son is 6 and they work well for us. Your son
sounds like mine, that is to say that what you describe sounds very typical
of children of that age group. Also, you say you’re divorced, and I don’t
mean to get too personal, but does your son’s behaviour esculate around
visits from or to his father’? If so, this might be a trigger, and you may
want to talk to your son about how he feels about being with his dad, verses
being with you. Don’t make it stressful for him, but just talk to him about
his favourite things at both places, and whatever you do, don’t say anything
negative about his father, even though that’s very hard at times. He may be
confused about why he has to go back and forth, or even why you’re living
with your parents. You never know what little kids are thinking and talking
to them can open doors for the two of you that will allow for bonding, and a
closer relationship. I don’t know if any of this will help, but I’m
divorced from my son’s father, and he has a step-father now, but it’s been a
bumpy road for him. This may not be the case for you, but talking and
timeouts might just help smooth the bumps a little.
hth
Tammy
From: Nikki
Sent: Wednesday, March 23, 2011 11:26 PM
To: blparent at nfbnet.org
Subject: [blparent] troubled parent
Nikki here and very distressed. Divorced mother of a 5 year old boy.
Live with parents, ugh!
I need behavioral modifacations other than spanking. He doesn’t listen well,
follow directions, stay focused, and talks when he’s not supposed to.
Wanting to stay away from spanking for punishment. Anyone have any advice
for me?
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