[blparent] Why Chinese Mothers are Superior

[Tammy]

Hi,

Wow, what a horrifying piece this one is!  I couldn't agree with you more! 
And just so you know, Japanese parents are worse if you can imagine it!

Tammy

-----Original Message----- 
From: Jo Elizabeth Pinto
Sent: Sunday, February 05, 2012 6:37 PM
To: NFBnet Blind Parents Mailing List
Subject: [blparent] Why Chinese Mothers are Superior

For any who are interested, here's the article that came before the piece 
about French parents.  If the French article was annoying to me, this one is 
horrifying.  If this is what it takes to raise a child who is a musical 
prodigy or an academic whiz, I'll settle for something less.


Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior
by Amy Chua

Can a regimen of no playdates, no TV, no computer games and hours of music 
practice create happy kids? And what happens when they fight back?

A lot of people wonder how Chinese parents raise such stereotypically 
successful kids. They wonder what these parents do to produce so many math 
whizzes and music prodigies, what it's like inside the family, and whether 
they could do it too. Well, I can tell them, because I've done it. Here are 
some things my daughters, Sophia and Louisa, were never allowed to do:

. attend a sleepover

. have a playdate

. be in a school play

. complain about not being in a school play

. watch TV or play computer games

. choose their own extracurricular activities

. get any grade less than an A

. not be the No. 1 student in every subject except gym and drama

. play any instrument other than the piano or violin

. not play the piano or violin.

I'm using the term "Chinese mother" loosely. I know some Korean, Indian, 
Jamaican, Irish and Ghanaian parents who qualify too. Conversely, I know 
some mothers of Chinese heritage, almost always born in the West, who are 
not Chinese mothers, by choice or otherwise. I'm also using the term 
"Western parents" loosely. Western parents come in all varieties.


All the same, even when Western parents think they're being strict, they 
usually don't come close to being Chinese mothers. For example, my Western 
friends who consider themselves strict make their children practice their 
instruments 30 minutes every day. An hour at most. For a Chinese mother, the 
first hour is the easy part. It's hours two and three that get tough.

When it comes to parenting, the Chinese seem to produce children who display 
academic excellence, musical mastery and professional success - or so the 
stereotype

Despite our squeamishness about cultural stereotypes, there are tons of 
studies out there showing marked and quantifiable differences between 
Chinese and Westerners when it comes to parenting. In one study of 50 
Western American mothers and 48 Chinese immigrant mothers, almost 70% of the 
Western mothers said either that "stressing academic success is not good for 
children" or that "parents need to foster the idea that learning is fun." By 
contrast, roughly 0% of the Chinese mothers felt the same way. Instead, the 
vast majority of the Chinese mothers said that they believe their children 
can be "the best" students, that "academic achievement reflects successful 
parenting," and that if children did not excel at school then there was "a 
problem" and parents "were not doing their job." Other studies indicate that 
compared to Western parents, Chinese parents spend approximately 10 times as 
long every day drilling academic activities with their children. By 
contrast, Western kids are more likely to participate in sports teams.

What Chinese parents understand is that nothing is fun until you're good at 
it. To get good at anything you have to work, and children on their own 
never want to work, which is why it is crucial to override their 
preferences. This often requires fortitude on the part of the parents 
because the child will resist; things are always hardest at the beginning, 
which is where Western parents tend to give up. But if done properly, the 
Chinese strategy produces a virtuous circle. Tenacious practice, practice, 
practice is crucial for excellence; rote repetition is underrated in 
America. Once a child starts to excel at something-whether it's math, piano, 
pitching or ballet-he or she gets praise, admiration and satisfaction. This 
builds confidence and makes the once not-fun activity fun. This in turn 
makes it easier for the parent to get the child to work even more.

Chinese parents can get away with things that Western parents can't. Once 
when I was young-maybe more than once-when I was extremely disrespectful to 
my mother, my father angrily called me "garbage" in our native Hokkien 
dialect. It worked really well. I felt terrible and deeply ashamed of what I 
had done. But it didn't damage my self-esteem or anything like that. I knew 
exactly how highly he thought of me. I didn't actually think I was worthless 
or feel like a piece of garbage.



As an adult, I once did the same thing to Sophia, calling her garbage in 
English when she acted extremely disrespectfully toward me. When I mentioned 
that I had done this at a dinner party, I was immediately ostracized. One 
guest named Marcy got so upset she broke down in tears and had to leave 
early. My friend Susan, the host, tried to rehabilitate me with the 
remaining guests.

The fact is that Chinese parents can do things that would seem 
unimaginable-even legally actionable-to Westerners. Chinese mothers can say 
to their daughters, "Hey fatty-lose some weight." By contrast, Western 
parents have to tiptoe around the issue, talking in terms of "health" and 
never ever mentioning the f-word, and their kids still end up in therapy for 
eating disorders and negative self-image. (I also once heard a Western 
father toast his adult daughter by calling her "beautiful and incredibly 
competent." She later told me that made her feel like garbage.)

Chinese parents can order their kids to get straight As. Western parents can 
only ask their kids to try their best. Chinese parents can say, "You're 
lazy. All your classmates are getting ahead of you." By contrast, Western 
parents have to struggle with their own conflicted feelings about 
achievement, and try to persuade themselves that they're not disappointed 
about how their kids turned out.

I've thought long and hard about how Chinese parents can get away with what 
they do. I think there are three big differences between the Chinese and 
Western parental mind-sets.



First, I've noticed that Western parents are extremely anxious about their 
children's self-esteem. They worry about how their children will feel if 
they fail at something, and they constantly try to reassure their children 
about how good they are notwithstanding a mediocre performance on a test or 
at a recital. In other words, Western parents are concerned about their 
children's psyches. Chinese parents aren't. They assume strength, not 
fragility, and as a result they behave very differently.

For example, if a child comes home with an A-minus on a test, a Western 
parent will most likely praise the child. The Chinese mother will gasp in 
horror and ask what went wrong. If the child comes home with a B on the 
test, some Western parents will still praise the child. Other Western 
parents will sit their child down and express disapproval, but they will be 
careful not to make their child feel inadequate or insecure, and they will 
not call their child "stupid," "worthless" or "a disgrace." Privately, the 
Western parents may worry that their child does not test well or have 
aptitude in the subject or that there is something wrong with the curriculum 
and possibly the whole school. If the child's grades do not improve, they 
may eventually schedule a meeting with the school principal to challenge the 
way the subject is being taught or to call into question the teacher's 
credentials.

If a Chinese child gets a B-which would never happen-there would first be a 
screaming, hair-tearing explosion. The devastated Chinese mother would then 
get dozens, maybe hundreds of practice tests and work through them with her 
child for as long as it takes to get the grade up to an A.

Chinese parents demand perfect grades because they believe that their child 
can get them. If their child doesn't get them, the Chinese parent assumes 
it's because the child didn't work hard enough. That's why the solution to 
substandard performance is always to excoriate, punish and shame the child. 
The Chinese parent believes that their child will be strong enough to take 
the shaming and to improve from it. (And when Chinese kids do excel, there 
is plenty of ego-inflating parental praise lavished in the privacy of the 
home.)


Second, Chinese parents believe that their kids owe them everything. The 
reason for this is a little unclear, but it's probably a combination of 
Confucian filial piety and the fact that the parents have sacrificed and 
done so much for their children. (And it's true that Chinese mothers get in 
the trenches, putting in long grueling hours personally tutoring, training, 
interrogating and spying on their kids.) Anyway, the understanding is that 
Chinese children must spend their lives repaying their parents by obeying 
them and making them proud.

By contrast, I don't think most Westerners have the same view of children 
being permanently indebted to their parents. My husband, Jed, actually has 
the opposite view. "Children don't choose their parents," he once said to 
me. "They don't even choose to be born. It's parents who foist life on their 
kids, so it's the parents' responsibility to provide for them. Kids don't 
owe their parents anything. Their duty will be to their own kids." This 
strikes me as a terrible deal for the Western parent.

Third, Chinese parents believe that they know what is best for their 
children and therefore override all of their children's own desires and 
preferences. That's why Chinese daughters can't have boyfriends in high 
school and why Chinese kids can't go to sleepaway camp. It's also why no 
Chinese kid would ever dare say to their mother, "I got a part in the school 
play! I'm Villager Number Six. I'll have to stay after school for rehearsal 
every day from 3:00 to 7:00, and I'll also need a ride on weekends." God 
help any Chinese kid who tried that one.

Don't get me wrong: It's not that Chinese parents don't care about their 
children. Just the opposite. They would give up anything for their children. 
It's just an entirely different parenting model.



Here's a story in favor of coercion, Chinese-style. Lulu was about 7, still 
playing two instruments, and working on a piano piece called "The Little 
White Donkey" by the French composer Jacques Ibert. The piece is really 
cute-you can just imagine a little donkey ambling along a country road with 
its master-but it's also incredibly difficult for young players because the 
two hands have to keep schizophrenically different rhythms.

Lulu couldn't do it. We worked on it nonstop for a week, drilling each of 
her hands separately, over and over. But whenever we tried putting the hands 
together, one always morphed into the other, and everything fell apart. 
Finally, the day before her lesson, Lulu announced in exasperation that she 
was giving up and stomped off.

"Get back to the piano now," I ordered.

"You can't make me."

"Oh yes, I can."

Back at the piano, Lulu made me pay. She punched, thrashed and kicked. She 
grabbed the music score and tore it to shreds. I taped the score back 
together and encased it in a plastic shield so that it could never be 
destroyed again. Then I hauled Lulu's dollhouse to the car and told her I'd 
donate it to the Salvation Army piece by piece if she didn't have "The 
Little White Donkey" perfect by the next day. When Lulu said, "I thought you 
were going to the Salvation Army, why are you still here?" I threatened her 
with no lunch, no dinner, no Christmas or Hanukkah presents, no birthday 
parties for two, three, four years. When she still kept playing it wrong, I 
told her she was purposely working herself into a frenzy because she was 
secretly afraid she couldn't do it. I told her to stop being lazy, cowardly, 
self-indulgent and pathetic.

Jed took me aside. He told me to stop insulting Lulu-which I wasn't even 
doing, I was just motivating her-and that he didn't think threatening Lulu 
was helpful. Also, he said, maybe Lulu really just couldn't do the 
technique-perhaps she didn't have the coordination yet-had I considered that 
possibility?

"You just don't believe in her," I accused.

"That's ridiculous," Jed said scornfully. "Of course I do."

"Sophia could play the piece when she was this age."

"But Lulu and Sophia are different people," Jed pointed out.

"Oh no, not this," I said, rolling my eyes. "Everyone is special in their 
special own way," I mimicked sarcastically. "Even losers are special in 
their own special way. Well don't worry, you don't have to lift a finger. 
I'm willing to put in as long as it takes, and I'm happy to be the one 
hated. And you can be the one they adore because you make them pancakes and 
take them to Yankees games."

I rolled up my sleeves and went back to Lulu. I used every weapon and tactic 
I could think of. We worked right through dinner into the night, and I 
wouldn't let Lulu get up, not for water, not even to go to the bathroom. The 
house became a war zone, and I lost my voice yelling, but still there seemed 
to be only negative progress, and even I began to have doubts.

Then, out of the blue, Lulu did it. Her hands suddenly came together-her 
right and left hands each doing their own imperturbable thing-just like 
that.

Lulu realized it the same time I did. I held my breath. She tried it 
tentatively again. Then she played it more confidently and faster, and still 
the rhythm held. A moment later, she was beaming.

"Mommy, look-it's easy!" After that, she wanted to play the piece over and 
over and wouldn't leave the piano. That night, she came to sleep in my bed, 
and we snuggled and hugged, cracking each other up. When she performed "The 
Little White Donkey" at a recital a few weeks later, parents came up to me 
and said, "What a perfect piece for Lulu-it's so spunky and so her."


Even Jed gave me credit for that one. Western parents worry a lot about 
their children's self-esteem. But as a parent, one of the worst things you 
can do for your child's self-esteem is to let them give up. On the flip 
side, there's nothing better for building confidence than learning you can 
do something you thought you couldn't.

There are all these new books out there portraying Asian mothers as 
scheming, callous, overdriven people indifferent to their kids' true 
interests. For their part, many Chinese secretly believe that they care more 
about their children and are willing to sacrifice much more for them than 
Westerners, who seem perfectly content to let their children turn out badly. 
I think it's a misunderstanding on both sides. All decent parents want to do 
what's best for their children. The Chinese just have a totally different 
idea of how to do that.

Western parents try to respect their children's individuality, encouraging 
them to pursue their true passions, supporting their choices, and providing 
positive reinforcement and a nurturing environment. By contrast, the Chinese 
believe that the best way to protect their children is by preparing them for 
the future, letting them see what they're capable of, and arming them with 
skills, work habits and inner confidence that no one can ever take away.

-Amy Chua is a professor at Yale Law School and author of "Day of Empire" 
and "World on Fire: How Exporting Free Market Democracy Breeds Ethnic Hatred 
and Global Instability." This essay is excerpted from "Battle Hymn of the 
Tiger Mother" by Amy Chua, to be published Tuesday by the Penguin Press, a 
member of Penguin Group (USA) Inc. Copyright © 2011 by Amy Chua.


Jo Elizabeth

"How far you go in life depends on you being tender with the young, 
compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving, and tolerant of 
the weak and the strong.  Because someday in life you will have been all of 
these."--George Washington Carver, 1864-1943, American scientist
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