[blparent] Forward to Nikki

[jan wright]

Hello,
when I wrote this, Nikki had not left the lst, yet. So, I will send it.
Please forward it.
I feel like a broken record, so I won't say these things again.
I hope that she hears me, but who knows.

Hi Nikki,
I've been ther.
Hi All,
	Testing doesn't mean that you have to take their recommendations:
although if a school psychologist suggests meds, the teacher is going
to expect that the situation won't get better until you do and this
could create further conflict. forget about the label and focus on his
strengths and weaknesses. Take the tests, look at the independent data
and know that they can be skewed. Yet, don't let a label put him in a
box of predefined behaviors or give him an excuse for them.
Maybe you can get an independent evaluation. Focus on his strengths. I
am telling you that until you show him that he can "have" success,
things won't change and success comes from building on his strengths
and redirecting/redefining his weaknesses. After all, we are all
"fearfully and wonderfully made," God has given him a unique
personality with unique wonderful strengths. It is our job to find out
what they are  and to accentuate them.
Honestly, I don't believe that it is just one thing.
Teachers and school officials have  unrealistic expectations of
children. While you are figuring out your disciplinary style and how
to individuate that from your parents, it is leaving him a bit unsure
about your expectations.  He could need things exactly spelled out for
him. "disrupting the class," is just too vague. Once, my child was
disrupting the class because he was humming to himself while doing
work. That is quite different than yelling at the top of your lungs.
And, just because your child is "bored," does not mean that he is
gifted. Besides, gifted children can still have behavior issues, also.
Since you have said that you believe in Jesus, you can use this to
also help him alter his behavior. "when you feel antsy, pray to ask
god to help you." tack some good scriptures up on his wall to memorize
and hopefully put into practice. But, you will have to ask, "how many
times did you pray today?" "Do you think it is working?" You also have
to figure out whether he wants to be "good" (however that is defined)
or if he is already at the stage where he thinks that he is "bad" and
it can't be changed, so might as well give up.  And, as I have said
before,  you need to figure out whether he is just impulsively
forgetting his instructions or being openly defiant. You have to find
out what he is thinking/feeling when he wants to misbehave, if he
remembers the instruction and then, you try to stop the behavior at
the point right before it happens. Or, you give him tools to stop his
own behavior before it happens.
   My four children are grown now. My middle two are boys (actually,
my youngest is also, but that is not the point), and I had them
evaluated for ADD/ADHD. They put my children on meds and I thought
that they needed it -- that is, until I took a hard look at what was
going on. The child that was labeled "bad," and "disruptive" and
"Hyperactive," and all types of things stopped taking meds when he got
to High School. He is now in the navy (taking orders, I might add) and
studying to be a physical therapist. I did not do anything
extraordinary. I gave him lots of attention, found activities that he
could excel in so that when teachers called him "bad," we could
counteract with some positives, spent twice as much time with him on
his homework and on his behavior, had clear and defined rules (even
when it was not convenient for me) and we talked decisions and
consequences until he knew the script by heart. My boys did not like
taking meds, so they would purposefully not take them for a week and
have great behavior just to show me that  they didn't need them -- and
they didn't. sure, they altered  thinking, but not much.     Some
children are compliant and some are not . some are easy and some are
not. The more difficult ones should not be labeled "bad" but they are.
You mentioned that he needs lots of physical activity. Then, taking
away soccer was limiting his outlet. if he "needs" it, then, it should
not be taken away. If it is just a "want" then, the activity can be
used as a reward. But, taking away  something that he "needs," won't
solve the problem because he is on need deprivation.
If it is a focus issue, meds will help. But, it won't help your child
behave unless you tack a "oppositional defiant disorder," label onto
him and medicate him for that also. But, think about this, if you
don't teach him skills to understand and be successful with his
impulsivity or distractions, then when the meds run out, what will he
do?     If you are not careful, your child will become what people say
he is. I am not saying that you should ignore the problem or give him
an excuse, but look at it like a problem that needs a solution.
Involve him in the solution.   You will have to evaluate each teacher
remark and his behavior also. When a teacher would say: "he was
disrupting the class by tapping his pencil on the desk," I did not
give that much thought. But, if my son was disrupting the class by
making rude and annoying comments, that was another thing. Each
teacher has a different threshold and a different definition of
"disruption." some teachers don't demand authority, they are too wishy
washy. Some are inflexible. this is not an excuse. You have to teach
him that no matter the personality of the teacher, you and he have to
survive the class together, so you  two can think up strategies to
help him get through it. If he can look at it like a challenge then
sometimes, it works. If he knows that you are sometimes in his corner
and ready to fight "for" him, as well as "against" him when necessary,
he will trust your decisions and judgement more and might listen more.

Honestly, it is going to take much more work than normal "parenting"
and you will be putting in most of it -- whether the teacher does or
not is up to the teacher. But, you can't just expect him to work out
his own problems or you just meet out punishment -- not saying that
you are -- I am just saying that it is going to take lots of time and
effort on your part as well, but worth it in the ehdn.
It is a battle that is not won overnight. Junior High (for the most
part) was better than elementary and High School was something
different altogether. Hope that this helps.