[blparent] Behavior problems

[Tammy]

Hi,

It's not exactly that it's not her concern, more that her child's behaviour 
is her concern or should be in this case.  yes it would probably be a bit 
embarrassing to have to cancel the playdate, and no the other child did 
nothing wrong but when you have to make a point to your own child that a 
certain behaviour isn't acceptable, sometimes you have to take away 
something that might not just affect your child or your family.  You've 
probably never experienced it yet, your child is a bit too young to be 
grounded.  but you probably remember times when your parents said that you 
couldn't go to such and such a person's house because of something you did. 
I've had to do it recently to my own son who's the same age as nicky's, and 
it's not fun, but it did get the point across to Colyn that his behaviour 
wouldn't be tollerated.  I just called the other parent, told them that I 
was extremely sorry but Colyn was grounded for the day and couldn't come 
over.  They were absolutely fine with it, and said that we'd reschedule, 
which we did and the boys had a fantastic time, the next week, when Colyn 
was good.  We made sure to have the playdate in the morning so there was 
less chance of bad behaviour before it, and not only did Colyn have a good 
time that day but he learned that really good things happen when he's good, 
and not so good things happen when he's not.

hth

Tammy

-----Original Message----- 
From: Pickrell, Rebecca M (TASC)
Sent: Wednesday, January 18, 2012 1:14 PM
To: 'NFBnet Blind Parents Mailing List'
Subject: Re: [blparent] Behavior problems

Tammy,
If the other family "isn't her concern" then why did she agree to a play 
date? The other family thinks enough of Niki to have her and her son over at 
their house. They will be consumming that family's time, energy, and 
probably a few resources in the process.  Niki's son's bad behavior probably 
had nothing to do with the child in question. Yet, that child will be hurt 
by actions that Niki is choosing to take.  How is that okay?   If any of us 
think so little of our friends to say "The other family isn't my concern" 
then why are we associating with these people? Why invite them into our 
homes and lives? If  this other family "isn't her concern" then why accept 
the play date in the first place?

And how likely is it that a six-year-old will say to a friend "I really 
screwed up in school today, so that's why my mom wouldn't let me come over". 
And even if Niki's son did that, all the other friend will hear is "my mom 
said no".
I think if the attitude of another family is "It's not my concern how you or 
your child feels", then my response is "Then we'll keep this to a playground 
friendship, because if you aren't concerned with me, then why should I be 
concerned with you?" From: blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org 
[mailto:blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of To: NFBnet Blind Parents 
Mailing List
Subject: Re: [blparent] Behavior problems

Hi,

Why should she think about that?  The other family isn't her concern.  If
her son does something wrong and she has to call and cancel then presumably
the other parent would understand that, them being a parent themselves.  As
for the other child, that would be for the son and the friend to sort out
after the fact.  If the son made the friend mad by being bad and screwing up
the playdate and made that known to the son, maybe that would be insentive
enough for nicky's son not to do that particular thing again and miss
another playdate.  We do what we need to do for our children, and what other
people's children do is none of our business unless said children are in our
home.

Just some thoughts.
Tammy

-----Original Message-----
From: Pickrell, Rebecca M (TASC)
Sent: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 10:24 AM
To: 'NFBnet Blind Parents Mailing List'
Subject: Re: [blparent] Behavior problems

It is fine, but think about the impact canceling would have on the family
you invited over.  Presumably the other child did nothing wrong.  Why should
he or she also be punished?
Also, think about if the parents could have done something else with the
time they have planned for you and your son to come over.
Since you've scheduled this play date, I have to assume that the family
isn't sitting around going "Sure, come on over" that presumably they have
things they could and would do with that time slot had you not taken it.
Think too if the family has done any prep work for your visit, extra
cleaning, extra snacks, things like that.
So yes, it's okay to do most things, but do think about the impact that may
have on the other family and if that impact is such that they would choose
not to invite you again.
The only time I'd cancel a playdate is if both kids misbehaved and both sets
of parents agreed that this was a suitable punishment.
So yes, as Bob said, don't take something away that you can't give back.
And, you can't give back an invite to hang out with
mebody.   -----Original Message-----
From: blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org] On
Behalf Of Nikki
Sent: Saturday, January 14, 2012 10:25 PM
To: NFBnet Blind Parents Mailing List
Subject: Re: [blparent] Behavior problems

I agree that it is unhealthy. I'm from Elgin, Illinois.

A question I have concerning punishment. Now is it ok or not ok to have a
play date when your child has a hard time listening and following
directions. I mean it's like he doesn't care that he has bad behavior or at
least that is how it seems.

-----Original Message-----
From: Miranda B.
Sent: Saturday, January 14, 2012 6:16 PM
To: 'NFBnet Blind Parents Mailing List'
Subject: Re: [blparent] Behavior problems

Hi,
You might try to see if there is a Love Inc. in your city. If you give me
your city and state, I may be able to help you do some research.
You might be able to Google low-income housing and your city. I'm glad you
are planning to move out. This sounds like an unhealthy situation at the
moment.

In Christ, Miranda

-----Original Message-----
From: blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org] On
Behalf Of Nikki
Sent: Saturday, January 14, 2012 5:43 PM
To: NFBnet Blind Parents Mailing List
Subject: Re: [blparent] Behavior problems

    Yes. I'm determined to move out , been planning to do it, but don't know
where to look for such an agency. I don't want my parents help because mthey
have made it clear to me that they don't want their grandson in a low income
housing. So, I'm being tugged at from all directions. My son has told me he
doesn't want to move with out them or he'll be sad. I told him that we can't
live here forever and grandma doesn't want us here forever either.



-----Original Message-----
From: Kate McEachern
Sent: Saturday, January 14, 2012 3:50 PM
To: NFBnet Blind Parents Mailing List
Subject: Re: [blparent] Behavior problems

I think with your current situation it will be difficult to get back control
of your son. You have allowed your parents to parent your child and now you
wish they would just stay out of it. You should consider moving out with
your son and parenting on your own so that your parents have a brake. I
think you should see if there are agencies that help low income Mothers and
children find housing rather then asking your parents to help.

As the parent of a gifted child I can tell you that having three adults
arguing over discipline has given him a window to work with to get what he
wants and for his benefit you should tell your Dad to back off and stay out
of it.

Gifted kids are sensitive and hardheaded at the same time most ESE programs
will allow gifted children to see a guidance counselor once or twice a week
to help with issues with regard to playing with children and how the child
feels with the running of the family. My gifted 9 year old is seeing a
guidance counselor and this has been wonderful for our family. It has helped
with classroom behavior and behavior at home. Don't parent gifted children
the same as average children trust me it doesn't work.

HTH.

Kate

----- Original Message -----
From: "Nikki" <daizies304 at gmail.com>
To: "NFBnet Blind Parents Mailing List" <blparent at nfbnet.org>
Sent: Friday, January 13, 2012 6:00 PM
Subject: Re: [blparent] Behavior problems


>    Thank you for all the advice.
>
> My son brought home another bad report today. I had him do that follow the

> directions, when he got home.
> I just have a few questions. I know that punishment should fit the crime,
> but papa doesn't think taking him out of soccer is a good idea. He's
> concerned about physical activity. Then there's the completely removing
> the Nintendo Wii all together. or the one that makes my son cry hard,
> taking away a favorite stuffed animal that was a Christmas gift.
> What do you think I should do?
>
> When my son cries, it is heart breaking and then I don't know what to do.
> I want to be the one who punishes not my parents. They are only grandma
> and grandpa. My kid is not their son to raise. It feels like because I'm
> blind I've lost my role.
>
> I agree that detention does nothing to teach a child right from wrong.
> It's just something for schools because they can't do any spanking or
> smacking of the kid.
>
> I have thought about putting him in a gifted school. But it is like a
> private school. There are less children in each class and the teachers can

> work one on one with each kid. There's a problem with it though. It's not
> close by and it's a bit pricey. They do offer financial aid, but I still
> can't afford it. I really don't like the public school system here.
>
>
>
> -----Original Message-----
> From: jan wright
> Sent: Friday, January 13, 2012 1:19 PM
> To: blparent
> Subject: [blparent] Behavior problems
>
> Hi Nikki,
> My take is slightly different and never meant to criticize, so please
> take it for what it is worht.
> If you can use any suggestion: Great! If not, just disregard.
>
> Your son could be tired of school-like activities, especially ones
> that might seem to him to be mundain and have no reason.
> Chores and a scavenger hunt are all great ideas!
> there are also memory games that build on following  directions. the
> directions get more complicated as the game goes on.
> My older children have been through the detention phase and honestly,
> I see very little reason for it.
> There is a silver lining if you can get your child to understand why
> he is there and how he can avoid it: other than that, I find
> detention, much like suspention etc, as ways for school staff to put
> all problems in one room to either punish or not disrupt the "non
> problem" students -- which doesn't exactly help your guy any.
> Most kids in detention just sit and widdle away the time: or make "not
> so good" connections with others who are in detention.
> And, don't get my started on medicating for behavioral purposese. (ugg)
> Maybe your child need a different learning environment.
> I would try to find out if there is a certain time of day when he has
> a hard time following directions,
> what else is going on in the classroom,
> how is he feeling about the work that he is doing,
> .
> when you give your son "something" to do, make sure that he repeats it
> back to you. That will let you know that he understands the direction
> and is cued into you.
> When/if he gets off task, find out why. did he just get distracted or
> is he purposely not doing what he is told because he finds it too much
> effort or boring or whatever???
> Sometimes, it is a good idea if he can write the list himself: and
> make it meaningful.
> For example:
> when I get home, I am to:
> take out the trash (obvious reason for that one),
> pick up my room,
> go through each paper in my bookbag with mom,
> etc.
> Try not to make the tasks so many that he is overwhelmed. Just a
> couple at first.
> And, try to make them easy enough that you can verify if they are
> finished.
> Remind him to look at his list. It will be more interesting if he
> makes it. And, maybe ask him if he thinks there is anything else he
> wants to add.
> Also, show him your to do lists  sometimes. Remind him that we all
> must follow directions. We are all told what to do by "someone"
> And, you could even talk about doing things that you don't necessarily
> want to do, but must.
> Also, maybe he needs some instant gratification for following those
> directions. "When these things are done, you can have your snack."
> then, when he gets off task, you can remind him to look at list and
> remind him of his reward when he is finished.
> Just some thoughts.
> Dr. William Sears has a website:
> www.askdrsears.com
> which might be helpful.
>
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recipient: (a) please do not read, copy or retransmit the Message; (b) 
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