[blparent] Talking about Death with a Preschooler

[Kate McEachern]

First let me start with sending you my condolenses (Spelled wrong rushing 
for work).  When Ash was four my Aunt died suddenly after a hip replacment. 
This was not what we thought would happen because my Aunt was only 65 years 
old.  I told Ash the facts.  The hole my Aunt got hurt too bgad for her body 
to get better and she died.  What you do when asked what happened after your 
family friend died is up to you.  I got asked quickluy after she took in the 
news she wanted to know what happened after and having no answers, that was 
the hard part of the conversation.  She was clear on the death part but the 
finality took a wile.  She was more upset over the finality and it took her 
about a munth to deel with it.  Death is hard to deel with but as much as we 
don't like it its part of life.

Good luck and hope this helps,
Kate----- Original Message ----- 
From: "Jo Elizabeth Pinto" <jopinto at msn.com>
To: "NFBnet Blind Parents Mailing List" <blparent at nfbnet.org>
Sent: Monday, March 19, 2012 11:44 PM
Subject: [blparent] Talking about Death with a Preschooler


> Hi.  I'm wondering if any of you have had to help your kids deal with the 
> death of someone they knew well.  A member of our church died suddenly 
> yesterday.  As many of you know, my family hasn't really been there for 
> Sarah, so this man was a grandfather figure for her.  She called him Mr. 
> Jim.  We saw him every week, he came to all four of her birthday parties, 
> his two granddaughters were like fun older cousins.  She often went and 
> sat on his lap during church services just because she liked to hang out 
> with him.  There's a man in his eighties at our church who has been very 
> sick, and I sort of had it in my mind that he would be the one I would 
> have to explain to Sarah.  But Mr. Jim was only seventy-seven and in good 
> health, as far as he or anybody knew.  He went to bed feeling achy Sunday 
> morning, like he had the flu coming on, and his son found him at five 
> o'clock that evening.  It just reminds us grown-ups how fragile life is, 
> and how we never know when the end will come.
>
> I talked to Sarah's pediatrician, since we were in for another ear 
> infection this afternoon.  She said to be very concrete and to the point 
> about death.  Mr. Jim was old, and his body didn't work anymore, so he 
> won't be coming back.  It seems so cold and heartless, but like the doctor 
> said, kids don't understand all the nice ways we use to soften reality. 
> Don't say he got sick because then the child will be scared that if she 
> gets sick, or a parent does, death might come.  Don't say he went away, 
> because then the child will worry when the parents go away, thinking they 
> might not come back.
>
> I already made the mistake when a friend's dog died of saying he went to 
> be with God, and Sarah decided that since we have church in a local hotel, 
> that God must live there.  So I said no, he lives way far up in the sky, 
> and she decided we had to take the elevator.  For several weeks, she would 
> go and push the elevator buttons at the hotel and watch to see if God and 
> the dog came out.  Strike one for my explanations.
>
> At first I was thinking I wouldn't say anything to Sarah till we didn't 
> see Mr. Jim in church next week, but if she gets upset then, it will be 
> hard on the granddaughters, who are probably going to be there.  I'm 
> thinking maybe Sarah shouldn't go to a memorial service, which there will 
> be, although we don't know any of the details yet about what the family 
> wants.  My sister took her kids to the services when my grandma died two 
> years ago, and even to the cemetery for the burial, and I thought four was 
> awfully young to be exposing my niece to all of that.  I tend to be called 
> stoic when it comes to these things, so I'm not worried about getting 
> overemotional myself, but I was thinking it might upset Sarah if she sees 
> a lot of people she cares about sad and crying.  But if I don't take her 
> to the memorial, then is there some other way to let her express her 
> feelings?  I'm just wondering if any of you have dealt with this yet, and 
> if so, what reactions you got.  Sometimes I'm not sure if I'm on the right 
> track, or off in left field somewhere.
>
> Jo Elizabeth
>
> "How far you go in life depends on you being tender with the young, 
> compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving, and tolerant 
> of the weak and the strong.  Because someday in life you will have been 
> all of these."--George Washington Carver, 1864-1943, American scientist
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