[blparent] Talking about Death with a Preschooler

[Veronica Smith]

I agree!  

-----Original Message-----
From: blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org] On
Behalf Of Eileen Levin
Sent: Tuesday, March 20, 2012 5:18 AM
To: Blind Parents Mailing List
Subject: Re: [blparent] Talking about Death with a Preschooler

Take her to the memorial serbice  Reallity is the only thing kids can
understand at this age  



On Mar 19, 2012, at 11:44 PM, "Jo Elizabeth Pinto" <jopinto at msn.com> wrote:

Hi.  I'm wondering if any of you have had to help your kids deal with the
death of someone they knew well.  A member of our church died suddenly
yesterday.  As many of you know, my family hasn't really been there for
Sarah, so this man was a grandfather figure for her.  She called him Mr.
Jim.  We saw him every week, he came to all four of her birthday parties,
his two granddaughters were like fun older cousins.  She often went and sat
on his lap during church services just because she liked to hang out with
him.  There's a man in his eighties at our church who has been very sick,
and I sort of had it in my mind that he would be the one I would have to
explain to Sarah.  But Mr. Jim was only seventy-seven and in good health, as
far as he or anybody knew.  He went to bed feeling achy Sunday morning, like
he had the flu coming on, and his son found him at five o'clock that
evening.  It just reminds us grown-ups how fragile life is, and how we never
know when the end will come.

I talked to Sarah's pediatrician, since we were in for another ear infection
this afternoon.  She said to be very concrete and to the point about death.
Mr. Jim was old, and his body didn't work anymore, so he won't be coming
back.  It seems so cold and heartless, but like the doctor said, kids don't
understand all the nice ways we use to soften reality.  Don't say he got
sick because then the child will be scared that if she gets sick, or a
parent does, death might come.  Don't say he went away, because then the
child will worry when the parents go away, thinking they might not come
back.

I already made the mistake when a friend's dog died of saying he went to be
with God, and Sarah decided that since we have church in a local hotel, that
God must live there.  So I said no, he lives way far up in the sky, and she
decided we had to take the elevator.  For several weeks, she would go and
push the elevator buttons at the hotel and watch to see if God and the dog
came out.  Strike one for my explanations.

At first I was thinking I wouldn't say anything to Sarah till we didn't see
Mr. Jim in church next week, but if she gets upset then, it will be hard on
the granddaughters, who are probably going to be there.  I'm thinking maybe
Sarah shouldn't go to a memorial service, which there will be, although we
don't know any of the details yet about what the family wants.  My sister
took her kids to the services when my grandma died two years ago, and even
to the cemetery for the burial, and I thought four was awfully young to be
exposing my niece to all of that.  I tend to be called stoic when it comes
to these things, so I'm not worried about getting overemotional myself, but
I was thinking it might upset Sarah if she sees a lot of people she cares
about sad and crying.  But if I don't take her to the memorial, then is
there some other way to let her express her feelings?  I'm just wondering if
any of you have dealt with this yet, and if so, what reactions you got.
Sometimes I'm not sure if I'm on the right track, or off in left field
somewhere.

Jo Elizabeth

"How far you go in life depends on you being tender with the young,
compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving, and tolerant of
the weak and the strong.  Because someday in life you will have been all of
these."--George Washington Carver, 1864-1943, American scientist
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