[blparent] Talking about Death with a Preschooler

[Jennifer Jackson]

I completely agree with this advice about being straight forward. Kids do
not understand euphemisms. I would not mention the burial as part of
recycling as it just sets you up to be caught in a lie by your then teen. :)
By the time we do all the horrible things we do to the body, and then put it
in a regular coffin and then a concrete vault, this is preservation not
compost. Though there are still some people who do not tamper with the body
and use untreated wood for the coffins for religious purposes, this is the
exception and requires, amongst other things, a private burial plot. In most
cases Americans are still polluting even after we are dead.


Jennifer


-----Original Message-----
From: blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org] On
Behalf Of Tammy
Sent: Tuesday, March 20, 2012 9:54 AM
To: Blind Parents Mailing List
Subject: Re: [blparent] Talking about Death with a Preschooler

Hi,

I agree with your ped on this.  Just tell it like it really is, he was old, 
and his body didn't work anymore so he went to heaven or wherever you 
believe people go after they die.  Let her talk to you about it if she wants

or not if she doesn't.  I would let her go to the memorial service, even the

berrial at her age.    If you're going, take her with you, and explain to 
her that Mr. Jim didn't need his old body anymore so we put it back in the 
earth so it can be recycled to help the plants grow or something similar. 
If you make a really big deal out of it so will she, so just let her know 
that it's okay to be sad, and to miss Mr. Jim, and death is a natural part 
of life etc.

Hope this helps a little bit:

Tammy

-----Original Message----- 
From: Jo Elizabeth Pinto
Sent: Monday, March 19, 2012 11:44 PM
To: NFBnet Blind Parents Mailing List
Subject: [blparent] Talking about Death with a Preschooler

Hi.  I'm wondering if any of you have had to help your kids deal with the 
death of someone they knew well.  A member of our church died suddenly 
yesterday.  As many of you know, my family hasn't really been there for 
Sarah, so this man was a grandfather figure for her.  She called him Mr. 
Jim.  We saw him every week, he came to all four of her birthday parties, 
his two granddaughters were like fun older cousins.  She often went and sat 
on his lap during church services just because she liked to hang out with 
him.  There's a man in his eighties at our church who has been very sick, 
and I sort of had it in my mind that he would be the one I would have to 
explain to Sarah.  But Mr. Jim was only seventy-seven and in good health, as

far as he or anybody knew.  He went to bed feeling achy Sunday morning, like

he had the flu coming on, and his son found him at five o'clock that 
evening.  It just reminds us grown-ups how fragile life is, and how we never

know when the end will come.

I talked to Sarah's pediatrician, since we were in for another ear infection

this afternoon.  She said to be very concrete and to the point about death. 
Mr. Jim was old, and his body didn't work anymore, so he won't be coming 
back.  It seems so cold and heartless, but like the doctor said, kids don't 
understand all the nice ways we use to soften reality.  Don't say he got 
sick because then the child will be scared that if she gets sick, or a 
parent does, death might come.  Don't say he went away, because then the 
child will worry when the parents go away, thinking they might not come 
back.

I already made the mistake when a friend's dog died of saying he went to be 
with God, and Sarah decided that since we have church in a local hotel, that

God must live there.  So I said no, he lives way far up in the sky, and she 
decided we had to take the elevator.  For several weeks, she would go and 
push the elevator buttons at the hotel and watch to see if God and the dog 
came out.  Strike one for my explanations.

At first I was thinking I wouldn't say anything to Sarah till we didn't see 
Mr. Jim in church next week, but if she gets upset then, it will be hard on 
the granddaughters, who are probably going to be there.  I'm thinking maybe 
Sarah shouldn't go to a memorial service, which there will be, although we 
don't know any of the details yet about what the family wants.  My sister 
took her kids to the services when my grandma died two years ago, and even 
to the cemetery for the burial, and I thought four was awfully young to be 
exposing my niece to all of that.  I tend to be called stoic when it comes 
to these things, so I'm not worried about getting overemotional myself, but 
I was thinking it might upset Sarah if she sees a lot of people she cares 
about sad and crying.  But if I don't take her to the memorial, then is 
there some other way to let her express her feelings?  I'm just wondering if

any of you have dealt with this yet, and if so, what reactions you got. 
Sometimes I'm not sure if I'm on the right track, or off in left field 
somewhere.

Jo Elizabeth

"How far you go in life depends on you being tender with the young, 
compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving, and tolerant of 
the weak and the strong.  Because someday in life you will have been all of 
these."--George Washington Carver, 1864-1943, American scientist
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