[blparent] Diffusing Temper Tantrums (Part of Whose rulesshouldtake precedence?)

Jo Elizabeth Pinto jopinto at msn.com
Tue Sep 4 23:39:53 UTC 2012


I didn't expect Nanna to prepare special food for my child.

"Nanna said she could either eat what was in front of her or go hungry, and 
Sarah, in a move I would have expected given the offered choices, laid down 
the sandwich and walked away from the table.  Nanna marched her back and 
said she had to eat, which I told her wasn't fair since she'd offered going 
hungry as one of the permitted options."

That's when the temper tantrum happened, not over the food but over the 
unfairness of being made to eat after not eating had been presented as a 
choice.

Nowhere in my e-mail did I suggest or even imply that special foods should 
be made for my daughter.  If she didn't want what was offered, the only 
other choice would be waiting till the next meal.  I'm sure as she gets 
older, Sarah will learn the finer points of a "no thank-you helping", but I 
refuse to force her to eat foods she truly doesn't like.  I was forced to 
eat a lot of foods I couldn't stand as a child, and to this day, I think 
some of it was my mom being on a power trip and simply making me eat those 
foods because she could.  Even when I was old enough to make my own choices, 
she would order me a cheeseburger instead of a hamburger when we went to get 
fast food, or buy me Twinkies, which I hated and would have preferred 
nothing at all, as a treat at the grocery store when the other kids got to 
choose what they would have, and occasions that should have been treats 
turned completely unenjoyable for me because I had to eat what I didn't like 
and keep my feelings to myself.  I refused the Twinkies once and got them 
smashed into my face and hair.  Or, the food issue would turn into a battle 
of wills--"You'll sit at that table till you eat that, I swear you will 
..."--I won those because I would have sat there till the Second Coming if I 
had to.  Eventually the food was either snatched away, or I was forced to 
eat it by having it shoved down my throat, and woe to me if I vomited--use 
your imagination.  Once, a program was implemented at home and at school 
because I took too long to eat, in the educated opinion of my vision 
teacher; I was given three chews, counted out loud, and then someone would 
hold my jaw still till I swallowed--so I would be more like other people.  I 
choked and gagged so much it got to be standard for me to wear a big plastic 
bib at home and at school--imagine how that went over in a public 
lunchroom--teaching blind kids in public schools has come a long way from 
the early days.  Even now, I'll only let certain people help me get food at 
family functions where there's a buffet, if I even go to begin with, because 
those in my immediate family still think it's funny to put foods they know I 
don't like on my plate, or place an olive or a hot pepper on top of my 
dessert.  I'm not saying any of this to make people feel sorry for me, just 
to explain that battles over food with kids are never really won.  What you 
do or say to a kid will stick for life.  I won't go there with my child, no 
matter what.  She always gets a snack before bed if she says she's hungry, 
even when her daddy thinks it's a stall tactic, because I won't even take 
the risk of sending her upstairs for the night with a growling tummy.  I 
went through that too many times as a kid because I couldn't eat as fast as 
the others and had my food taken away.  If Sarah didn't want the peanut 
butter sandwich at Nanna's house, she had no right to expect that special 
foods should have been made for her, nor has that happened to set a 
precedent.  But waiting till supper would have been a perfectly legitimate 
choice to her, especially since it was offered as an option to begin with.

Jo Elizabeth

I am somehow less interested in the weight and convolutions of Einstein's 
brain than in the near certainty that people of equal talent have lived and 
died in cotton fields and sweatshops.--Stephen Jay Gould
-----Original Message----- 
From: Marla Wertman
Sent: Tuesday, September 04, 2012 3:07 PM
To: Blind Parents Mailing List
Subject: Re: [blparent] Diffusing Temper Tantrums (Part of Whose 
rulesshouldtake precedence?)

I agree with Kate. My parents did not make us eat food we didn't like,
but they didn't make special things for us if we didn't like what was
served.This is a difficult one. But my feelings are that if someone is
caring for your child in their home then the child must follow their
rules even if they are different from yours. If you as the parent are
present however, then you make the rules, but you can't expect people to
prepare special food for your child.
On Tue, 4 Sep 2012 16:59:03 -0400
"Kate McEachern" <kflsouth at gmail.com> wrote:

> I think food at some one elses house is a tricky thing.  If you truly 
> don't
> like the food and the person doesn't know, its just rude not to eat some 
> of
> it.  Yes, your choice is to be hungry but your still being polight.  My 
> two
> girls know most of the time they eat what there given or they don't eat 
> till
> the next meal.  Because food is food, it doesn't matter if you like it. 
> So
> I can see the food being tricky.  If one of my Daughter's friends was here
> for dinner and chose not to eat I wouldn't be upset if they either tried 
> it
> or polightly declined to eat.  But if they kept at me to make them 
> something
> else after the rule was explaned, then I would be anoyed.  And a tantrem
> would get them sent home.
>
> Just my thoughts.
>  Katie
> ----- Original Message ----- 
> From: "Jo Elizabeth Pinto" <jopinto at msn.com>
> To: "Blind Parents Mailing List" <blparent at nfbnet.org>
> Sent: Tuesday, September 04, 2012 12:55 PM
> Subject: Re: [blparent] Diffusing Temper Tantrums (Part of Whose 
> rulesshould
> take precedence?)
>
>
> > Oh, Nanna and I had words about the swatting incident.  Not necessarily
> > that it's never allowed, but I told her that was definitely not the 
> > first
> > step in dealing with a temper tantrum as far as I'm concerned.  The 
> > issue
> > arose when Nanna gave the kids peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for
> > lunch.  She didn't know Sarah had never liked peanut butter, and I 
> > wasn't
> > there to tell her.  I assume Sarah didn't know or didn't remember till 
> > she
> > got the sandwich that peanut butter was something she didn't care for. 
> > So
> > she took a few nibbles and told Nanna she didn't like the sandwich. 
> > Nanna
> > said she could either eat what was in front of her or go hungry, and
> > Sarah, in a move I would have expected given the offered choices, laid
> > down the sandwich and walked away from the table.  Nanna marched her 
> > back
> > and said she had to eat, which I told her wasn't fair since she'd 
> > offered
> > going hungry as one of the permitted options.  So Sarah started to pitch 
> > a
> > fit, which again wasn't unreasonable to me, and Nanna swatted her and 
> > made
> > her sit down at the table and eat the sandwich.  Sarah ate it, but she
> > told me later, "Mommy, it made my teeth feel funny."  What I said to 
> > Nanna
> > was that she could have diffused the situation when Sarah first stated 
> > her
> > dislike for the sandwich.  If she had gotten into a conversation about 
> > it,
> > she might have realized that peanut butter made Sarah's teeth feel 
> > funny,
> > and at least had some more information to go on.  But I said if she 
> > didn't
> > see going hungry as one of the allowed options, then she shouldn't have
> > offered it.
> >
> > Actually, a learning moment came up at the barbecue, before the dessert
> > incident.  Sarah had asked for a cheeseburger, but there were no more
> > burgers that had been grilled with the cheese melted on.  So Nanna gave
> > Sarah a hamburger with a piece of cold cheese on top.  Sarah started to
> > get upset, and Nanna was about to say something to her, but I told her 
> > to
> > wait. Sarah gets frustrated when she can't find the words to express
> > something quickly enough, and if pushed too hard, she'll go into a 
> > temper
> > tantrum instead of thinking about the point she wants to get across.  So 
> > I
> > had her take a few deep breaths, then asked her what she wanted to say.
> > She said, "Mom, it isn't sticky!"  I asked her what wasn't sticky, and 
> > she
> > took my hand and put it on her burger with the cold piece of cheese on 
> > it.
> > I picked up the cheese and asked her if that was what she meant, and she
> > said yes. The problem was she didn't want the cheese on the hamburger if
> > it wasn't melted.  So I explained to her what melted meant, and she ate
> > the hamburger without the cheese on it.  I wasn't about to eat the 
> > cheese
> > because I don't like it, so Nanna ate it.  I had hoped Nanna would 
> > observe
> > and realize I had a way of dealing with Sarah that tended to get the
> > results I wanted better than responding with an iron fist, but then the
> > incident with the cake happened, so I guess the point wasn't made.
> >
> > Nanna has been a good friend to me, especially while I was pregnant and 
> > a
> > new mom, and didn't have my own mother to talk to.  She didn't get to
> > watch her own grandchildren grow up because her daughter was in another
> > state and her son distanced himself from the family for a while.  So she
> > doted on Sarah from the beginning, and on me too, really.  She took care
> > of Sarah when I had my gallbladder out.  Once or twice a month, we've 
> > all
> > gone on girls' day out, had lunch, maybe shopped a little.  Her 
> > pushiness
> > does get to me often, especially because my personality is a little more
> > laid back than hers.  But what I told Sarah after the barbecue is that 
> > she
> > needs to try really hard when she's with Nanna to stay calm and use her
> > words.  I'm also thinking of putting a signal in place for when Sarah is
> > alone with Nanna, something like, have Sarah tap her gently on the hand
> > and say, "Nanna, please let me tell you something."  I'll try to be 
> > around
> > and support her in practicing that a few times if Nanna will buy into 
> > it,
> > especially when there's nothing upsetting going on.   I don't want to
> > break off a relationship that I think is beneficial to all of us.  I 
> > think
> > I was reacting more to feeling pushed around than I was to the question 
> > of
> > the cake.  Also, some of our differing views about temper tantrums 
> > versus
> > Sarah expressing herself in other ways will start to be non-issues as
> > Sarah gets older and more confident in her verbal skills.  I'll just 
> > have
> > to watch for other things that crop up.  Like Nanna telling Sarah she'll
> > teach her to sew in a few years--I was afraid she was going to say,
> > "Because Mommy can't see to do it"--so I quickly interjected, "Yeah,
> > because Mom doesn't enjoy that kind of thing."
> >
> > Jo Elizabeth
> >
> > I am somehow less interested in the weight and convolutions of 
> > Einstein's
> > brain than in the near certainty that people of equal talent have lived
> > and died in cotton fields and sweatshops.--Stephen Jay Gould
> > -----Original Message----- 
> > From: Pickrell, Rebecca M (TASC)
> > Sent: Tuesday, September 04, 2012 7:23 AM
> > To: 'Blind Parents Mailing List'
> > Subject: Re: [blparent] Whose rules should take precedence?
> >
> > Oh Jo Elizabeth I'd shutthe swatting down thing fast. Not. Cool!
> > You two need to talk. Find out how you can defuse her since it seems she
> > can't do it herself. Sounds like she wants to but needs some kind of 
> > hint
> > she's getting spun up and to just chill.
> > Also think about why you've chosen this person to be a friend and why 
> > you
> > continue to choose. You can always say no if need be.
> > It sounds like she's doing a lot of old-school parenting but if you 
> > don't
> > like it, then shut it down.
> > I'm not as sure that your rules always win, you did choose to come to 
> > her
> > house and people's houses do have different rules. Part of participating
> > in society is knowing how to balance my rules v. their rules.
> >
> >
> > -----Original Message-----
> > From: blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org] 
> > On
> > Behalf Of Jo Elizabeth Pinto
> > Sent: Monday, September 03, 2012 2:39 AM
> > To: Blind Parents Mailing List
> > Subject: Re: [blparent] Whose rules should take precedence?
> >
> > I guess maybe I could have gone a step further and not let her have the
> > cake
> > at all, since I knew she was going to eat the frosting off and leave the
> > rest.  She always does that.  Nanna did see her with the cake, but I
> > reached
> > out and took it, so I knew how much was left.  A triangle piece, maybe 
> > the
> > size of my palm.  Hardly worth going to war over, I suppose, except that
> > yesterday, Nanna swatted Sarah twice on the bottom and said, "Maybe your
> > mommy lets you get away with temper tantrums, but Nanna won't."  I 
> > don't,
> > in
> > fact, let my daughter have temper tantrums.  But I find that when she
> > starts
> > screeching and waving her arms around, it usually means she's frustrated
> > and
> > can't find the words fast enough to say why.  So I'm willing to stop her
> > and
> > make her calm down and take a deep breath, then think about what she 
> > wants
> > to say and get her point across.  That's why I asked the original
> > question,
> > wondering if maybe I overreacted.  It sounds like most of the consensus 
> > is
> > that I did, which I appreciate hearing, in civil terms.  Nanna and I 
> > will
> > get it figured out, but the bigger issue is that I have to stop her when
> > she
> > does take over sometimes.  She's told me in the past that it's okay for 
> > me
> > to say she needs to back off a bit, but apparently when I did, it wasn't
> > right.  It all gets very confusing.  Still, it's called having family 
> > type
> > relationships, and it takes work.  I don't believe there are only two
> > legitimate choices, either walk away or give in.  I do believe it's good
> > for
> > our children to see us resolve conflicts and go on loving those who are 
> > in
> > our world.
> >
> > Jo Elizabeth
> >
> > I am somehow less interested in the weight and convolutions of 
> > Einstein's
> > brain than in the near certainty that people of equal talent have lived
> > and
> > died in cotton fields and sweatshops.--Stephen Jay Gould
> > -----Original Message-----
> > From: Musiclady
> > Sent: Monday, September 03, 2012 12:25 AM
> > To: Blind Parents Mailing List
> > Subject: Re: [blparent] Whose rules should take precedence?
> >
> > Personally, I would have gone with your nana.  Because she saw
> > the kid with the cake, so she should deal with it.  I think it's
> > important for our kids to receive correction for others not just
> > us.
> > Steph
> >
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-- 
Marla Wertman <mwertman72 at gmail.com>


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