[blparent] I'm distraught

[Bridgit Pollpeter]

Jo Elizabeth,

Oh dear, please don't worry. And if anyone has the guts to bash you,
they can contend with me.

I have yet to do this with the kids, but Ross has.

He recently went on a walk with Declan. All was great until he crossed a
street and never ended up back on a sidewalk. As it turns out, the
street he was crossing is angled, and he didn't angle enough to cross.
He ended up back in the street because of this. Fortunately no cars were
coming by, but situations like this don't boost your confidence.

When Penny was two or so, we were taking the bus somewhere. Being a type
one diabetic, I started having a low blood sugar. When this happens, my
first priority is the kids if I have them.

The bus stop was literally a minute from our flat at the time, so I took
her back. I can gage about how much time I have before a low gets out of
control. I was worried about Penny if I passed out or something (which
thankfully has never happened yet while alone with the kids) and wanted
her safe in a contained environment.

I went into the wrong building, and by this point I was not feeling so
great. We went back outside, I guzzled down a bottle of juice, and
started trekking back to the correct building.

A neighbor observed all this and came to help. I must have looked really
bad, and I could tell the neighbor was not sure what to do or what was
wrong with me.

We made it home, and I almost crashed once inside, but I was able to get
some more carbs into me.

Of course Penny had no clue what was happening.

I was so worried this woman would chalk it up to blindness. I was
seriously waiting for the CPS visit. Being low and a little confused
because of it, she most likely thought the poor blind woman had no idea
what she was doing.

I felt like the worse mom though, and I'm terrified of having a really
bad low when not at home, and I'm alone with the kids. This is a real
fear of mine. I test frequently and manage my diabetes well, but things
can still happen. I always carry snacks and juice on me, but sometimes
things get away from me.

I think as parents we always feel guilt. I still am dealing with the
fact that when Declan was in the NICU, I wasn't able to be there day and
night. I actually cry about this sometimes. I know he will never know,
but I start thinking about my baby laying in that crib wondering where
mommy is and I can't handle it.

I also worry about going out with the kids. I am not necessarily worried
about my ability to travel, but drivers can be crazy. I don't trust
others, and this makes me worry.

So don't feel bad about wanting to stay indoors. Of course we need to be
out in the world, but it's a scary world blind or not.

You are not a bad mother though, and know that anyone can enter an
unsafe situation even sighted people.

Bridgit
Message: 2
Date: Tue, 26 Mar 2013 16:35:12 -0600
From: "Jo Elizabeth Pinto" <jopinto at msn.com>
To: "NFBnet Blind Parents Mailing List" <blparent at nfbnet.org>
Subject: [blparent] I'm distraught!
Message-ID: <BLU172-DS2227B377AE241C329D55C3ACD00 at phx.gbl>
Content-Type: text/plain;	charset="utf-8"

How have you all managed to forgive yourselves and move on after making
a poor traffic crossing with your kids?  Or maybe nobody else has done
that?  I feel like such a loser!

My daughter and I went to a new park this afternoon because we finally
had decent weather, although there was still snow.  We?ve gone lots of
places, and I?ve always been careful about teaching her to watch for
cars and be alert around streets.  But the traffic light was unfamiliar
to me.  Crossing over was fine, but something funky happened on the way
back.  I thought I heard the traffic surge, and although my daughter
seemed to be hesitating a little, I urged her to follow me and my guide
dog.  I thought she was just nervous about the busy intersection, and
kind of whiny because it was cold and she was eager to get home.  I
waited a full cycle, listened to the traffic patterns like I always do,
and made the decision to go.

And then, you know, you get that sinking feeling, when you?re too far
into the crossing to change your mind but you realize it was a bad call.
I heard cars turning on the street we were crossing, on the far side.
So what I thought was a surge, actually, was the cars going into that
turn lane.  And there?s my preschooler, holding on tight to my hand and
counting on me not to lead her into danger, going, ?Mom!  Mom!  Mom!?

I didn?t feel I had any other choice, so I just finished the crossing,
thinking we were in plain view at least and that was in our favor.  I?ve
done that before, but it was always just me, and I chalked it up to
all?s well that ends well, and s**t happens.  I take my chances going
out the same as anybody else.  But this time, I tugged my baby right
into harm?s way with me.

So how do I get over this and move on?  I know we can?t stop going out,
but as it is right now, with her safe in the house having a snack, I
never want to poke my nose out the door again.  Seriously, I?m trying to
keep it together so she doesn?t see me upset, but I?ve never had such an
awful moment as a mom, I don?t think, except maybe the one where I
thought my daughter had been hit by the trash truck.  And this one was
my fault!

Please, no bashing comments, because nothing anybody can say will manage
to make me feel any worse than I already do.  I don?t think I?ve ever
once questioned my ability as a blind mom before till now, but here we
are.

Jo Elizabeth