[blparent] In Over My Head,, toddlers

[Judy Jones]

Jo Elizabeth is absolutely right.

And guess what, as an older parent, I have also learned that your adult 
children can drive you crazy sometimes.  I've found that being a parent of 
an adult child can be harder than actually raising them, because you are no 
longer the authority figure in their lives, and there is not much you can do 
if you see them making choices that you would not make.  But at the same 
time, it's all about the relationship you have with your child, and we are 
very proud of our girls and what they are accomplishing.

By the way, you don't have to be sighted to play peek-a-boo.  Cup your hands 
over your face, get their attention with your voice, then suddenly remove 
your  hands like you're surprising them.  Or make a crack in your hands and 
accompany with a fun noise.  Now, you're playing peek-a-boo with hands and 
noises, and your child will learn to do the same.

For older kids, my mom taught us a game she learned when stationed in 
Okinawa:  Paper, Scissors Rock.  You count to three, then place your hand 
down in a fist for rock, flat for paper, or with two fingers out for 
scissors.  Someone will always be a winner, since according to the game, 
paper covers rock, or rock hits scissors, or scissors cuts paper.  Hand 
games are wonderful, and you can always make up your own games of all 
kinds..

Enjoy today.

Judy

-----Original Message----- 
From: Jo Elizabeth Pinto via blparent
Sent: Monday, June 1, 2015 10:55 PM
To: Blind Parents Mailing List
Cc: Jo Elizabeth Pinto
Subject: Re: [blparent] In Over My Head,, toddlers

Jessica, the first thing I want to tell you is please, please take it easy
on yourself.  Your e-mail is oozing stress from every pore.  We've all been
there.  I remember saying to a visiting nurse when my baby was only a few
weeks old that I felt totally inadequate for the job of parenting, and then
I assured her that it had nothing to do with my blindness. It was just that
this tiny little innocent human being was depending on me to learn
everything she would ever need to know about the world, for better or worse,
and it scared the living daylights out of me.  The nurse asked me to take a
deep breath and then told me that her own kids made her feel inadequate all
the time, and she just had to step back and put those feelings in
perspective, and I would learn to do that while I grew as a mom.  I have,
but there are days I still wrestle with the demons.  Many mothers probably
do, because we are told by society that we should be perfect--always patient
and nurturing, always completely rational and calm, always ready with the
appropriate answer to every question the moment it pops up.  *Insert eye
roll here.*  The sooner you decide to ditch the superhero cape, the happier
you'll be.  Actually, all of us would probably do well to remember that
sometimes.  I know I would.  You're not a horrible person for feeling like
your child is driving you crazy.  You're not failing because you feel
frustrated and depressed.  All parents feel that way about their children
sometimes.  Anyone who says he or she has never felt frustrated or at wits'
end as a parent is either lying or in utter denial.  And even after your
child can talk, guess what?  She'll still frustrate you and drive you crazy,
because then she can argue with you!  But then she can also have
conversations with you, and that's one of the best parts of having a kid.

The preverbal toddler stage is difficult.  Your baby is mobile.  She doesn't
stay where you put her anymore, but she's not to the point yet where she can
tell you what's on her mind.  I found early toddlerhood to be one of the
hardest stages to get through, personally.  It can be fun, but it's also
very hands-on.  Judy gave you some good tips.  The stage won't last long,
and Lila may well begin speaking earlier than many babies because she will
find that pointing and whining doesn't get her what she wants with you.

But frankly, it sounds to me like much of your problem has nothing to do
with your blindness or your little one.  You're isolated.  You're at home,
your husband works a lot, and you didn't mention any adult company.  That
would drive anybody ape nuts crazy, sighted or blind.  It's got nothing
whatsoever to do with how much you love your child, so take that off the
table.  Do you have friends or family who you visit or have over?  Can you
do girls' night out or trade baby-sitting with other moms so you can get out
and do things you enjoy?  Anything to get some grown-up mojo going in your
life.  Have you tried Mothers of Preschoolers (MOPS) or Mommy and Me groups
in your area?  Maybe hooked up with other moms in your church if you go to
one?

The last thing is, and it's easier said than done, I know, but try not to
compare yourself to sighted parents, because your child won't, at least not
at this age.  It's easy to think, oh, a sighted person can play peekaboo so
much easier than I can, and it would make my little girl so happy if I did
it the way a sighted mom did.  But your kid will be happy with the way you
do things because it's the way you do them.  I taught my daughter a
hand-stacking game as a toddler where you put your hand on the bottom, then
have her put one hand on top of yours, then you lay your second hand on top
of hers, then her second hand goes on top, so they're alternating.  Then you
take your bottom hand out and place it on top of the stack.  After that you
just keep taking turns pulling the bottom hand out and placing it on top of
the stack.  It's a very simple game, but it keeps toddlers entertained for
hours at restaurants, and it's completely touch friendly.  So anyway, I'd
forgotten all about it, till my seven-year-old daughter started playing it
with a school friend of hers at Sweet Tomatoes last night.  Her school
friend thought that game was the coolest thing ever.  My daughter said I had
taught it to her, and the friend said, "Your mom is the best !  My mom never
taught us any games like that."  So whatever your normal is will be normal.
Now at seven, my daughter sometimes gets mad and throws it in my face that
we can't drive places like other kids do, but at other times she thinks it's
cool that we walk because she's the only one in her class that gets to have
a dog with her when we meet up with friends out to eat or in Wal-Mart.  So
you take the good with the bad.

I guess the main thing is, ease up on yourself.  It's okay, although not
fun, to be frustrated and depressed.  It's okay to think, and even say out
loud, that your child is driving you crazy.  That doesn't make you a bad mom
or a horrible person--it makes you human.  It sounds to me like you just
need to get out more and be around other moms like you so you can find out
how human you really are.

Jo Elizabeth

Truth is tough. It will not break, like a bubble, at a touch; nay, you may
kick it about all day like a football, and it will be round and full at
evening.--Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.
-----Original Message----- 
From: Jessica Reed via blparent
Sent: Monday, June 01, 2015 6:30 PM
To: blparent at nfbnet.org
Cc: Jessica Reed
Subject: [blparent] In Over My Head,, toddlers

Fellow blind parents,

I really don't post very often, so I probably should introduce myself a
little.  I am a 31-year-old stay-at-home mother of a 14-month-old toddler,
Lila.  My husband is sighted, but works a significant amount of time.  We
live in a bedroom community in between our nation's capital and Richmond,
Virginia.



If I am honest, I feel like I am drowning in this new stage of toddlerhood.
First, any suggestions on brushing a toddler's teeth?  I tried for the first
time last night, and it was a complete stressful disaster!  My usually
congenial child was screaming and wrestling to get out of my grasp.  Tonight
I used a regular toothbrush, not the figure kind, and a different baby tooth
paste.  It went a lot better.  There were no tears or wrestling match,
though I really doubt her teeth got clean at all.  Any specific feedback and
suggestions would be greatly appreciated!



Second, how do you do it?  She is not quite walking, but practically, and
already all over the place.  In the last two weeks she has all of the sudden
become so winey, but only with me.  I have heard this is normal, since I am
her mother, but so often she is just driving me crazy!  Please don't
criticize me for that statement, I beg you.  I love my daughter more than
life itself, and to admit that makes me feel like a horrible human being.
We have recently moved into a bigger home.  Lila has a child safe play room
full of toys.  We also get out at least once a day.  I take her to play
groups, the library story time, the playground, and any where I can think
of. I have hired babysitters that come to give me a break.  Again, I feel so
horrible for feeling so frustrated and depressed as I do.



Lastly, how do you best interact with children at the walking, but preverbal
stage?  There are times where I think she is trying to communicate and I
feel like I am missing out on so much.  I can't interact with her the way
sighted folks seem to.



Thank you for reading.  I really hope any of your suggestions and past or
present stories will help me threw.  Again, I love Lila more than life
itself, but just feel. Have any of you ever felt this way?  I want the very
best for my daughter and can't help but feel like I am failing daily.



Jessica



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