[blparent] Joining a mommy and me group

Wed Oct 7 21:16:24 UTC 2015

Wonderful letter!

I don't think there is such things as a supermom, blind or otherwise, I agree with you, we all just want the best for our kids.

With my husband and I both being blind, we positioned ourselves strategically when buying our house, and were able to make the most out of our transportation options in the area.  Plus, as the kids get older, especially once they enter school, we found that stay-at-home mom was an oxymoron, since there is always something going on with the kids, you, or rest of the family that keeps you away from the house.  During the girls' growing up years, I remember many times, where my husband and I would be literally passing each other coming and going.  The proverbial "ships in the night." He was very helpful in taking one girl someplace when I might be at home with the other, or vice-versa.  He was working fulltime then, but still managed to help with evening activities as they arose.

The transportation for us was key, though, and a very important thing to work out for a blind parent.

Also, there are always going to be times, whether one is sighted or blind, when you feel "odd man out."  It happens to everyone for any reason, but to us, can seem magnified when being blind, I know.

Judy

-----Original Message-----
From: blparent [mailto:blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Jessica Reed via blparent
Sent: Wednesday, October 07, 2015 3:02 PM
To: 'Blind Parents Mailing List'
Cc: Jessica Reed
Subject: Re: [blparent] Joining a mommy and me group

Tara,
If I recall, your baby isn't much younger than my daughter, who is 18 months.  I can't believe you have held on this long without an outlet!  They say that being a mother is the hardest job, and I don't think I fully understood this until I left my job with the government to stay home.  I think part of the reason this is true, and one that I wish more people talked about, is the incredible isolation and loneliness that comes with being a stay at home mother.  I may get flack for this, but I think our blindness and therefore our lack of being able to quickly hop into a car to take our children out, definitely compounds this.  

Now on to my experience with the MOMS group in Fredericksburg.  I had been encouraged by my sister, who was a member of the same group in Boston, to join.  I dragged my feet for an entire year, for the exact same fears that you described.  The first two meeting went fantastically.  Our first public meeting was at our public library.  Lila was just one, and not yet walking.
She also was pretty shy and clingy, only warming up to the other kids after we were there for a while.  I plopped my self directly in the middle of the kids and just followed Lila around.  I think as blind mothers it is on us to be a little more outgoing, so they focuss on the comonground of mothering and not on our disability.  When no one directly talked to me I talked to Lila or even to other people's small children.  

Well, I mentioned that the first two meetings went well, that is until the end of the year party.  It was at this small beach campground.  Frankly, it was a disaster from the start!  I had trouble getting a ride, and it wasn't close.  I was so upset the night before that my husband actually took of work to take us.  Once there, I was completely lost!  I was so insecure, people were coming and going from this activity to another, and the activities were not close to eachother.  As the day went on I became more and more nervous and therefore more inept.  People didn't talk to me as much.  Suffice it to say I came home and cried... a lot!  My husband tried to comfort me, but I just didn't feel he understood.

I swore I was completely done with that group after my humiliation.  I recounted my story to my sighted sister and she e explained that people may not have talked to me as much because they were stressed trying to keep up with their kids in such a kaotic environment.  She may have been right, but I didn't care.  

Just Just yesterday I returned to one of the group activities, a public interest meeting at the library.  I found my own ride, so I could leave any time we wanted.  It went great!  Lila and I even made Halloween cards for a local nursing home.  

You may be thinking, good for you.  I shared my story just to demonstrate that I get it!  The way I look at it is we don't have a choice but to keep trying.  I'll bet there a number of mommy groups in your area.  If one doesn't work, try a different one.  A few suggestions, Moms Offering Moms Support, meetup.com, making a point to go to your local library's story time and followed it up by going to the kids play section.  Lila and I have found that you start to recognize the same mothers week after week.  We are all in the same boat, craving adult interaction and stimulation.  If you join one of these groups, go to the meetings that have smaller areas.  MOMS, for example, has many play dates at people's homes.  This is wonderful because it is contained!  It just takes one friend to make you feel comfortable.  I think someone else mentioned this, but find your own transportation the first few times.  This way you can come and go as you like and if it is a disaster you don't have to torture your self.  

My heart really gose out to you.  Like I have said, I am still going threw all of this... work in progress... I just have learned a few tricks a long the way.  Thank you for having the courage to bring this up.  Many times I feel like we all have to act like we are these super blind moms.  I don't know about you, but I still have the same struggles I did before I had a
child.   The thing for me is, I want Lila to look at me and not feel that
mommy's blindness held her back.  I want to be a Melissa R. or Mary Jo H., and maybe one day I can be.  It's strange being a parent because insecurities of certain things I don't know how to do are now really coming to light.  If I really want Lila to see me as an equal I now have to face them and it is terrifying!  

Take care, good luck, and please know that you have one Virginia mom cheering you on!

Jessica Reed

Sorry for the spelling mistakes...took so long to write that I am rushing to send.
-----Original Message-----
From: blparent [mailto:blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Tara Briggs via blparent
Sent: Wednesday, October 07, 2015 12:44 AM
To: Blind Parents Mailing List
Cc: Tara Briggs
Subject: Re: [blparent] Joining a mommy and me group

Thanks so much for your email! The story you told is the reason why I have been putting off joining a mommy and me group for the past year. However, I am starting to go a little bit crazy! I absolutely love my baby! She is the best! However, the days get pretty long and pretty boring and pretty lonely with only a 14 month old to talk to. For those of you who have and stay at home moms, what have you done about feeling isolated?
Thanks for any advice!
Tara
And will you please let us know when your new novel comes out on audible.com? I would really love to listen to it!

Sent from my iPhone

> On Oct 6, 2015, at 4:33 PM, Jo Elizabeth Pinto via blparent
<blparent at nfbnet.org> wrote:
> 
> I tried a Mommy and Me group, and for me, it was an absolutely 
> miserable
experience.  I'm not saying it will be awful for you, but there are definitely some things I could have done differently that might have changed the outcome in my situation, or at least improved the odds that things might have worked out better for me.  I never went back to give the group a second try, so I don't know if I could have educated the moms or structured the environment in a more accessible way or anything during future visits.
> 
> First of all, find out where the group you are interested in holds its
meetings.  I went to a group that met in a large room at a rec center.
Strike one.  The moms sat around some tables that were set up in a horseshoe formation at one end of the room, and the kids played with toys on a rug at the other end.  The room echoed because of the high ceiling and the vast space, and I couldn't hear much of anything that went on with my child once she wandered away from me and went for the toys she hadn't seen before and the new playmates.  Plus, she kept wanting to dart outside every time the doors were opened.  The setup was not ideal for a blind mom, and I may have given the other moms the idea that I couldn't keep tabs on my child very well.
> 
> Then,, decide how you will get to the meetings.  I called the number 
> on
the Web site and chatted with the mom who ran the Mommy and Me group.  She seemed nice, and when she offered to pick me up on her way to the meeting, I accepted gladly.  It was winter, and taking the bus with a squirmy toddler while there was ice on the ground wasn't my idea of a good time.  The mom and I found plenty to chat about during the car ride to the meeting.  Having kids the same age seems to open up the communication channels.  But as soon as we got to the rec center and I was settled comfortably in a chair, the mom disappeared among her friends, and that was the last I saw of her.
Strike two.  Use your own transportation so you can leave if you want to.
All of the other moms in the group knew each other well.  Very well, in fact.  I was introduced briefly, and after that, I might as well have been invisible.  I was given fruit and coffee, but the moms were doing some kind of craft, and I wasn't asked to join in.  That was just as well because I'm not too good at those artsy sorts of things, but I felt more and more uncomfortable at the meeting as time passed.  Especially since I had a lot of trouble keeping an ear out for my daughter.  I figured she was doing okay since she wasn't fussing and she didn't seem to be starting trouble with the other kids, and mostly I was listening to make sure she didn't go out the doors when people came and went.  Now and then she brought toys to show me, and I heard some of the other moms commenting about that, but I felt like I was being watched as if I were a science specimen, and definitely not part of the group.  I wondered if I should somehow impose myself into the conversation when I heard some remark about how my daughter showed me toys, but I wasn't sure what to say.
> 
> Finally, the hour and a half was up--it felt more like a year and a 
> half
to me--and the mom who had given me a ride came back around to take me home.
She told me I was welcome to come along to any Mommy and Me events in the future, and I thanked her and said I would let her know if I was interested, but we both knew at that point it wasn't going to happen.
> 
> So, what I would recommend is, if you want to go, ask questions.  Find 
> a
group that meets in a small room.  Find a group that has outings to places you want to go.  The group I went to had a lot of young, upscale moms--I'm an older parent, for starters, and maybe not as outgoing as I should be.
Maybe I didn't try hard enough to break into the social group, or maybe I just didn't have enough in common with that particular demographic.  I could have searched for a different group, but the wind had been thoroughly taken from my sails by that point, and I never did look.  Once my daughter started school, I found it easier to be present in her classroom.
> 
> Jo Elizabeth
> 
> "The Bright Side of Darkness"
> is my newly published novel,
> available on Kindle and in paperback at Amazon.com.
> -----Original Message----- From: Tara Briggs via blparent
> Sent: Tuesday, October 06, 2015 3:44 PM
> To: Blind Parents Mailing List
> Cc: Tara Briggs
> Subject: [blparent] Joining a mommy and me group
> 
> Hi, have any of you who are stay at home moms joined a mommy and me group?
My sister-in-law found a couple of groups in Utah where I live. I'm thinking about joining one of them. If any of you have been a part of mommy and me, or a playgroup for preschoolers, how did it go? Do you have any advice?
> Thanks!
> Tara
> 
> Sent from my iPhone
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