[blparent] Sighted Interference

Wed Jul 6 00:37:23 UTC 2016

The obsessive author wasn't at the group today.  The other two writers who 
had joined in with their criticism were there, though.I gently told them 
that my daughter had been embarrassed by the incident, and both of them 
readily apologized to her and hugged her.  She said she hadn't been upset 
with them but she was mad at Debbie, the one who had started the whole 
thing.  It sounds like I'll need to speak to Debbie in private.  Debbie is 
not one who usually backs down or changes her tune about anything, ever, so 
I doubt if I'll make any headway, but I'll have to try.

Jo Elizabeth

"The Bright Side of Darkness"
is my award-winning novel,
available in Kindle, audio, and paperback formats at Amazon.com.
-----Original Message----- 
From: Michelle Creedy via BlParent
Sent: Tuesday, July 05, 2016 8:21 AM
To: 'Blind Parents Mailing List'
Cc: Michelle Creedy
Subject: Re: [blparent] Sighted Interference

Hi Jo Elizabeth

I'm so glad you chatted with your daughter. It sounds like you handled
things just right.

Michelle

-----Original Message-----
From: BlParent [mailto:blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Jo
Elizabeth Pinto via BlParent
Sent: Tuesday, July 05, 2016 12:06 AM
To: Blind Parents Mailing List
Cc: Jo Elizabeth Pinto
Subject: Re: [blparent] Sighted Interference

Hi, Michelle.  I did speak to my daughter after the fact.  I told her that
while by adulthood, most grown-ups no longer grasp spoons in their fists, it
really didn't matter if she still held her spoon that way for now.  I said
that she would have an easier time writing in school if she learned to hold
her pencil properly, and once she mastered that, her spoon would follow
naturally.  Be that as it may, it was inappropriate for my writer friends to
bother her about how she ate her ice cream.  I apologized for not speaking
up sooner and more firmly.  She admitted that she had been embarrassed and
sad, and I said those feelings were very understandable.  What I was at a
loss to come up with, at least out loud with my daughter, was a resolution
of how to move forward from there, both with regards to the current incident
and future ones.

Jo Elizabeth

"The Bright Side of Darkness"
is my award-winning novel,
available in Kindle, audio, and paperback formats at Amazon.com.
-----Original Message-----
From: Michelle Creedy via BlParent
Sent: Monday, July 04, 2016 11:13 PM
To: 'Blind Parents Mailing List'
Cc: Michelle Creedy
Subject: Re: [blparent] Sighted Interference

Hello Jo Elizabeth

Wow, I'm so sorry that this happened to you. It truly is amazing how sighted
people feel it is their God-given right to tell us things they think we
should hear. I have some folks in my life who often make comments about my
clothes but when I go to my sister and ask her, my sister and best friend
who I trust tell me they are just fine.

I'm wondering, have you had a chat with your daughter about this? It may be
a good opportunity to explain to her about how others sometimes feel that
they can interfear. Honestly, I know a lot of children with sighted parents
who hold their spoon like your daughter does and no one says anything. I
encourage you to also have a conversation with the writers without your
daughter present and tell them how you felt when the feedback involved your
daughter. Let them know that you have trusted friends and family to give you
feedback and that they have all been asked to give it in a particular manner
I.E. without your daughter present. I have had to draw a really hard line
with the person of which I wrote in the last paragraph. I've literally had
to make feedback rules for her and there are certain areas of my life where
she simply may not offer feedback. This is because the feedback was given in
front of my blind students who didn't understand it and then started talking
among themselves and to their siblings about it. I had to get pretty firm.
It is tough but it does help. I did wait until I'd cooled down a little and
I ran through what I needed to say with a close friend because honestly, it
really hurt to be treated like this which unfortunately you and your
daughter found out yet again last week. People seem to think that because
we're blind, they get to say whatever they like because they can see. Oh,
the almighty vision!

I'm thinking of you. Please let us know how it goes. I'm thinking of both of
you. What a degrading experience!

Michelle

-----Original Message-----
From: BlParent [mailto:blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Jo
Elizabeth Pinto via BlParent
Sent: Monday, July 04, 2016 2:47 PM
To: Blind Parents Mailing List
Cc: Jo Elizabeth Pinto
Subject: [blparent] Sighted Interference

Hi, all.  I regularly dealt with the issue of well-meaning sighted people
interfering with my parenting when my daughter was a baby, but I thought the
problem had pretty much resolved itself once she got too big to be
irresistibly cute and learned to walk and talk.  Maybe I just have
particularly busybody friends--I'm in a writing group where most of the
members are quite a bit older than I am,  some with grandchildren my
daughter's age--but sighted interference is an ongoing problem we all have
to be on the lookout for .  It jumped up and bit me on the nose last week.
This time it embarrassed my daughter, which infuriated me, whereas before
she was too little to really know or care.  That makes the issue a thousand
times more thorny now, which is why I decided to bring it up on the list,
because the earlier disabled parents find a strategy for dealing with it, I
think, the better off they and their children will be.

My daughter and I were out to lunch at Dairy Queen with some of the members
of my writing group.  One of the authors, in my opinion, is quite obsessive
about everything, including my blindness.  She once told me in front of
everyone that there's a right way to eat a cupcake, and I wasn't eating mine
correctly because you're supposed to eat it from the side and I was eating
mine from the top.  Of course, she said, I wouldn't know that because I
can't see.  I was slightly peeved with the self-appointed Miss Manners, but
I laughed it off and said I always was a rebel.  There are a lot more
examples of her saying things like that.  That particular author had been
invaluable in helping me get my book published, so I didn't feel I could
ruffle her feathers too much.  Anyway, toward the end of the lunch, my
daughter was enjoying her cherry sundae, and the same author told her she
was holding her spoon the wrong way.  She said my daughter still held her
spoon in her fist, like a boy, instead of in three fingers, like a proper
little girl.  My daughter got embarrassed, and I was appalled.  First of
all, my daughter is eight.  So what if she holds her spoon in her fist?
Lots of kids do.  Maybe she's a little old for that, but to go on and on
about how boys shovel their ice cream in and girls eat nicely, and if she
didn't learn the right way to hold a spoon, the kids at school would make
fun of her, and her mom couldn't see to show her the right way.  Then two
other grandparent-aged writers at the table joined in to try and "help."  My
daughter tried to hold her spoon their way, but it felt funny to her, so she
said she couldn't do it.  At that point, I intervened--I had been quite
shocked and appalled before that, and to my shame, it took me a few moments
to find my voice--I put up a menu around my daughter's place at the table
and said it didn't matter how she held her spoon and she was going to eat
her sundae in peace without everybody watching her.  She was too
overwhelmed, though, and said she was full and didn't want her ice cream.
Her cherry sundae, which is her favorite thing in the world, was spoiled.
She wouldn't eat it; she gave it to me.  I didn't say anything else, but
looking back, I wish I would have.  I wish I would have asked them how dare
they ruin my daughter's dessert.  I wish I would have told the instigator
that if she was really concerned with the way my child held her spoon, she
could have spoken to me privately about it instead of making it a public
issue for the whole table.  I wish I would have told them all that their
help did more harm than good.

I will have to decide if I should say anything to them when we meet again
this week.  I don't know if I can make them see that they made a mistake,
especially the obsessive one.  My other choice is just to be very vigilant
and protect my daughter from their boorishness.

Jo Elizabeth

"The Bright Side of Darkness"
is my award-winning novel,
available in Kindle, audio, and paperback formats at Amazon.com.

_______________________________________________
BlParent mailing list
BlParent at nfbnet.org
http://nfbnet.org/mailman/listinfo/blparent_nfbnet.org
To unsubscribe, change your list options or get your account info for
BlParent:
http://nfbnet.org/mailman/options/blparent_nfbnet.org/michelle.creedy%40gmai
l.com

_______________________________________________
BlParent mailing list
BlParent at nfbnet.org
http://nfbnet.org/mailman/listinfo/blparent_nfbnet.org
To unsubscribe, change your list options or get your account info for
BlParent:
http://nfbnet.org/mailman/options/blparent_nfbnet.org/jopinto%40msn.com

_______________________________________________
BlParent mailing list
BlParent at nfbnet.org
http://nfbnet.org/mailman/listinfo/blparent_nfbnet.org
To unsubscribe, change your list options or get your account info for
BlParent:
http://nfbnet.org/mailman/options/blparent_nfbnet.org/michelle.creedy%40gmai
l.com

_______________________________________________
BlParent mailing list
BlParent at nfbnet.org
http://nfbnet.org/mailman/listinfo/blparent_nfbnet.org
To unsubscribe, change your list options or get your account info for 
BlParent:
http://nfbnet.org/mailman/options/blparent_nfbnet.org/jopinto%40msn.com 