[blparent] behavior problems with our 4 year old
Judy Jones
sonshines59 at gmail.com
Sun Mar 27 00:42:39 UTC 2016
Yes, it was a very interesting life.
Judy
-----Original Message-----
From: Rob Kaiser via BlParent
Sent: Saturday, March 26, 2016 5:08 PM
To: 'Blind Parents Mailing List'
Cc: Rob Kaiser
Subject: Re: [blparent] behavior problems with our 4 year old
It sounds like you had quite a life growing up.
Rob Kaiser
Email;
rcubfank at sbcglobal.net
-----Original Message-----
From: BlParent [mailto:blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Judy Jones
via BlParent
Sent: Saturday, March 26, 2016 3:11 PM
To: Blind Parents Mailing List <blparent at nfbnet.org>
Cc: Judy Jones <sonshines59 at gmail.com>
Subject: Re: [blparent] behavior problems with our 4 year old
In my unprofessional opinion, I think ADD or the more severe ADHD is
over-diagnosed, and may be over-medicated. I am not trying to minimize the
true cases, but I do believe this is so.
WE were a military family, and my dad was not present many times while I was
growing up, so mom gave the spankings, always on the bottom, a few good
swats that meant business, but I never felt abused or unloved. I was the
more precotious of the two of us. I was harder to discipline and got into
more situations.
When dad was home, all he needed to do was a verbal warning, and that's all
we needed. My mom was very outgoing, I guess you could say loud, at times,
and definitely told us when we had gone astray, but she never
yelled-screamed at us.
I remember one time when living over in Turkey, and I was probably five, she
called out the window of our upstairs apartment and asked me to come to
dinner. I do remember wondering what she would do if I said no, so I said
it. When I heard her shoes coming down those stairs, I got scared, so
started to run to the corner. I was blind then, but didn't have any
trepidation about running so I took off. She caught me, she had a switch.
and she walked me back home, switching my behind all the way.
Again, though, I knew I was in the wrong, I found out what happened if I
told my mom no, and I never doubted she loved me, because she showed me in
so many other ways. This is another story that followed me into adulthood
and laughed over.
Judy
-----Original Message-----
From: Rob Kaiser via BlParent
Sent: Saturday, March 26, 2016 3:35 PM
To: 'Blind Parents Mailing List'
Cc: Rob Kaiser
Subject: Re: [blparent] behavior problems with our 4 year old
In my house, when I was growing up, my dad ws the law in the house. I never
got thrown across the room, but I had my share of spankings. However, if you
asked my sister, she will say (& looking back this was true) she got more
spankings than me. Another thing they didn't have while possibley you & I
were growing up was ADHD. Now, it seems every time a child has problems in
school the teachers, counsolers & doctors all say "Your child has ADHD."
Rob Kaiser
Email;
rcubfank at sbcglobal.net
-----Original Message-----
From: BlParent [mailto:blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Jo
Elizabeth Pinto via BlParent
Sent: Saturday, March 26, 2016 2:25 PM
To: Blind Parents Mailing List <blparent at nfbnet.org>
Cc: Jo Elizabeth Pinto <jopinto at msn.com>
Subject: Re: [blparent] behavior problems with our 4 year old
Rob, time-out hadn't come into fashion, so to speak, when I was growing up
in the seventies. I think it started to catch on in the eighties and
nineties. I don't know all the ins and outs of what time-out is supposed to
do. What I use it for is a period of calming down, both for me and my
daughter, sort of an interval where both of us can catch our breaths and
think. I use it not because it's popular but because good judgment wasn't
the order of the day with my parents, either. I was as likely as not to get
shoved up against the wall or knocked across the room, or worse, by my mom
for acting out,, and yelling was so commonplace from both of my parents that
I had learned to tune it out by the time I was old enough to remember. So
while my daughter is sitting on the stairs and hopefully thinking about what
she has done and what she can do better next time, I'm calming myself down
and planning my parenting strategy and my words very carefully because I
don't want to act like my own mom did. Actually, I don't use time-out much
anymore now that my daughter is older, so I kind of have to get myself
together on the fly these days. The practice during time-outs when my kid
was younger helped a lot.
Jo Elizabeth
"The Bright Side of Darkness"
is my newly published novel,
available in Kindle, audio, and paperback formats at Amazon.com.
-----Original Message-----
From: Rob Kaiser via BlParent
Sent: Saturday, March 26, 2016 3:08 PM
To: 'Blind Parents Mailing List'
Cc: Rob Kaiser
Subject: Re: [blparent] behavior problems with our 4 year old
I never have had much stock in "time out," but I know that is the new (well
I guess not so new) way of doing things. Perhaps, because when I was growing
up, they didn't have time out. I think the big thing is to use good
judgement when it comes to getting your child to mind you.
Rob Kaiser
Email;
rcubfank at sbcglobal.net
-----Original Message-----
From: BlParent [mailto:blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Jo
Elizabeth Pinto via BlParent
Sent: Saturday, March 26, 2016 1:27 PM
To: Blind Parents Mailing List <blparent at nfbnet.org>
Cc: Jo Elizabeth Pinto <jopinto at msn.com>
Subject: Re: [blparent] behavior problems with our 4 year old
I completely agree with what Judy has written, especially with the part
about staying calm and firm, and having the child answer specific questions
about what they did in the particular situation and what they can do
differently next time. My eight-year-old daughter hates that, but it really
gets her focused, calmed down, and it turns a negative event into a learning
moment. Even at four, your daughter probably has the verbal skills to
answer the basic questions. And the cuddle time while you are talking is
very healing. I also definitely agree with always letting your daughter
know that you love her dearly, even if her behavior is unacceptable. I tell
my daughter often that I love her, but because I love her, I can't allow her
to act in certain ways or do unacceptable things.
Time-out, if it is effective, is usually only a minute per year of age of
the child. I have my daughter sit on the stairs instead of going to her
room, since I want her room to be a positive place. There's nothing to do
on the stairs. She went through a period of not staying put, so I just sat
with her on the stairs and let her cling to me, so I wasn't completely
withdrawn from her, but I didn't interact with her till the period of the
time-out had passed. I didn't see a problem with that because the point of
the time-out was to get her calmed down enough to communicate reasonably
about the infraction that had gotten her there in the first place. I think
an hour in isolation is too long for a child of any age, much less a
preschooler, who doesn't have the attention span to cope with that. After
the time-out, I would sit on the stairs and talk to my daughter about why we
were there and what needed to happen differently the next time.
Also, preparing your daughter before a meal or a trip somewhere might help a
lot. Tell her specifically what behavior you expect from her. Instead of
telling her to be good, say that you want her to hold your hand and use her
inside voice. Kids need to feel that their parents are in control of the
situation, and it scares them if they get the idea they have too much
control themselves. My girl is strong-willed, too, so we've been through a
lot of hard times. But those few moments of outlining the expectations
beforehand have worked wonders. Another thing that has been of tremendous
benefit is giving a warning time when transitioning between activities. Let
your daughter know when there are five minutes left before you are going to
stop an activity and have lunch or go somewhere or whatever, then two
minutes left, then one minute, or whatever works for her. That stopped a
lot of acting out with my daughter, who wasn't good at transitions, and
tended to pitch big fits if we just suddenly sprung it on her that we were
leaving or breaking for a meal or something.
Also, when your daughter isn't acting out, try to do as many positive
activities with her as you can. That may lessen her need to misbehave,
wherever it is coming from. Have her help you make muffins or plant flowers
or whatever hobbies or interests you enjoy doing. Build sand castles. Play
Barbies. Watch movies together. The more positive time you can enjoy, the
less your focus will be on correcting her misbehavior, and a lot of it may
correct itself.
Love and Logic is great. I've taken a class and use some of its principles
in my parenting every day.
Anything that can de-escalate a battle of wills is a good thing. I know
this well as the parent of a strong-willed child, but also as a grown up
strong-willed child myself. My mom used to laugh half-heartedly and say
that "because I said so" never impressed me much as a kid. She said when I
was two or three years old, she used that line on me and I just tossed my
little head and shrugged. I remember vividly one evening when I was maybe
nine or ten, she set a bowl of stew in front of me that wasn't to my liking,
and when I turned up my nose, she said, "You're going to sit there till you
finish eating that." I crossed my arms and thought, "This is one fight I
can win." About midnight she walked into the kitchen and asked, "You're not
going to pick up your spoon, are you?" I just shook my head. She was so
furious she snatched up the bowl of stew and flung it to the floor. The
bowl shattered, the stew splattered, she had a mess to mop up, and I won
hands-down.
Sorry for the long post. Please understand, I'm not trying to come across
as an expert or anything. I'm in the trenches just like you, and I've had
my moments of desperation as the parent of a strong-willed child. I wish
you the best of luck, and I hope you share your challenges and successes
along the way so the rest of us can benefit from what you learn.
Jo Elizabeth
"The Bright Side of Darkness"
is my newly published novel,
available in Kindle, audio, and paperback formats at Amazon.com.
-----Original Message-----
From: Judy Jones via BlParent
Sent: Saturday, March 26, 2016 12:07 PM
To: Blind Parents Mailing List
Cc: Judy Jones
Subject: Re: [blparent] behavior problems with our 4 year old
Thank you so much for writing in. I am an older mom with grown girls. I
could be wrong, but I am guessing that misbehaving may have started
happening long before now and that it has finally gotten to the point where
you are reaching out for help.
I know in this day and age and culture spanking is not popular, and some see
it as child abuse. Certainly, if done in the wrong way, it can turn into
that.
I'm here to tell you, though, we did believe in spanking, only as a last
resort, and our daughters ages 29 and 25 can remember their spankings, and
now laugh about them, as I now laugh about the ones I remember getting, as
my mother also did hers as she recounted them. Both daughters have also
told us that spankings worked and that they plan to spank their kids when
they have them. My eldest is married to a state trooper, used to work in
Voc Rehab, next to my office, and told the people over there that a lot
fewer adults would have anxiety issues had they had clearer guidelines and
probably been loved and spanked growing up, her opinion, of course.
The most important thing is
to let your daughter know you love her unconditionally, but you will not
tollerate negative behaviors. The idea is to love the person, but not
always the behavior. The first time we had an issue with our eldest, she
was maybe 2, I was holding her in my arms, and there was something she
wasn't liking at the moment. She reached out with her tiny hand and hit my
face. I immediately popped her diapered bottom with my hand and firmly said
"No!" She got really still, probably out of surprise, then started to cry.
So I hugged her close and told her I loved her but that she could not do
that.
A great book that is on BARD is Dr. James Dobson's Dare To Discipline, check
it out.
Above all, and this is hard to do, keep your voice down and calm, even in
the middle of a trying situation. Let your actions speak for themselves,
and no raised voice. Think of yourself as the corrections officer that
does not have to get angry, but does have to correct negative behavior. I
had an older lady tell me when my kids were young to save the yelling or
raised voice for life-threatening situations, such as running in front of a
car, a fire, etc. Not saying that you're yelling at your girl, just some
thoughts.
I also gather that she thinks she has the control since you can't see her.
and I'm guessing this started quite a while ago, too?
Many parents ask there kids to come to them, when the kid doesn't respond,
don't make a big deal about it or ask them to come to you. Go find them,
and when you do, be very matter of fact about it, saying something like,
"Oh! There you are!" . You are subconsciously training them then that
whether or not they hide, you do the finding regardless. Believe it or not,
my husband and I were given this advice when having guide dogs and wanting
to train the dog to always come to us. It worked for the dogs, and it
worked for the girls in the toddler stage. They never hid because there was
no reason to, and that helped in the control.
You can say things like, "You may not do such and such," or "This behavior
is unacceptable." While it is obvious to us, you are training your child.
Stay away from phrases like "you're being bad," or any negative phrase with
the word "you"
in it. You love your girl, but you don't love her behavior, very big
difference.
Spanking etiquette, if you want to call it that. We wouldn't ever spank for
things like spilled milk, but would for any open rebellion or disobedience,
and used as a last resort. We also would give them a warning, and might say
something like, if you do such and such again, you will get a swat, then
very important to follow through.
We only spanked where we knew that they knew they were out and out
disobeying, which was very rare.
The first thing we would ask them is, "What did I tell you?" They would
have to answer back. Then you ask something like, "And what did you do?"
They have to answer that too. Again without raised voices. You have to do
this calmly and objectively. Then we would send them to their room, saying
we would be up in a few minutes. What that few minutes does is to help mom
and dad calm down, diffuses the situation, and gets kids really nervous,
according to my daughters, because they would know what is coming. In about
5 or 10 minutes, one of us would go up to the room, give the swats on the
bottom only. Then we would have a cuddle time for a couple of minutes or
however long it would take for the child to cry, to reassure them we love
them, and that we want them to grow to be a loving adult.
Another thought. When a daughter did something she shouldn't have done, or
when older, got herself into a situation she wished she hadn't, in talking
things out, we would try to look at the solution, get into problem-solving
mode. The phrase that starts this off is quote Next Time. Example, "Next
time, come to mom first." "Next time, check with so and so." When they are
older and you're talking you can ask them something like, "How do you think
you can avoid that, or what would help you next time?"
Your daughter sounds very smart and sociable, but all kids are going to test
their parents, it's part of growing up, it's okay. How we respond will set
the tone for the future. I know lots of people do time-out, but we never
did. Hope some of these thoughts are of help, and definitely let us know
how things go.
Judy
-----Original Message-----
From: Chris Reagan via BlParent
Sent: Saturday, March 26, 2016 9:24 AM
To: blparent at nfbnet.org
Cc: Chris Reagan
Subject: [blparent] behavior problems with our 4 year old
Good morning all:
We're having a serious behavior problem with our 4 year old child and we'd
like to know if there's anything anyone can suggest on how to get this issue
under control. We've tried just about everything we can think of to deal
with this and It's almost like she doesn't care. I'll give some examples as
to what she's done and what we've tried. She likes to take foodand dump it,
we finally got the locks that will keep her out of the cabinets. She's taken
the drawers out of her dresser. In response we've put locks on them which
she got around. Here's something that I wrote for what happened this
morning, and this is also a common occurrence.
Okay, so our child does something wrong, we put her in timeout. She doesn't
stay still in timeout, so she is sent to her room for an hour.
Mind you, that because of her behavior, we've taken all her toys away so her
room isn't a very enjoyible place right now. So she opens the window and
starts talking to people in general which we don't want her to do because of
housing rules regarding the windows being open when the temps are below 50
and because we don't know who she's talking too.
So I go in and close the window and she decides to get out of her room, run
in to the living room and run from us and hide in plain sight. I catch her
and put her back in. in the attempt to keep her in there for the time that
we've set, she takes my phone runs to her bed with it, and tosses it behind
her bed, thank god for outerbox cases. I normally don't spank, but that
deserved a spanking and that's what she got. Now she's a very bright kid,
very smart, does well in head start. She loves to draw and help people and
we're happy to have her in our lives!. But, her behavior is getting to the
point where she's wearing us down. Now, spanking is something we don't like
to do and we don't enjoy it at all.
Plus, I believe that it only causes more problems. We've taken away tv
privoleges and I've also resorted to taking away her toys as I previously
stated including the stuffed animals that she likes to sleep and play with.
When we want to go somewhere, we can't, because her grandparents won't baby
sit anymore because of her behavior, plus when we take her places, we insist
she hold mommy and daddy's hand, but does she, no and she knows how to
remove the leashes. So if there's anything that we've missed or haven't done
to curve her behavior, please don't hesitate to speak up. We love her dearly
and we only want the best for her in the end.
Take Care all:
Chris
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