[blparent] behavior problems with our 4 year old
Jennifer Bose
jen10514 at gmail.com
Sun Mar 27 01:55:45 UTC 2016
Joe Elizabeth that sounds like a really good way to use timeout if it has to do with keeping calm and staying with your daughter and really relating to her and helping her to get a sense of what she might do better in the future I never really heard it talked about in such a Positive Way, Jen
Sent from my iPhone
> On Mar 26, 2016, at 5:25 PM, Jo Elizabeth Pinto via BlParent <blparent at nfbnet.org> wrote:
>
> Rob, time-out hadn't come into fashion, so to speak, when I was growing up in the seventies. I think it started to catch on in the eighties and nineties. I don't know all the ins and outs of what time-out is supposed to do. What I use it for is a period of calming down, both for me and my daughter, sort of an interval where both of us can catch our breaths and think. I use it not because it's popular but because good judgment wasn't the order of the day with my parents, either. I was as likely as not to get shoved up against the wall or knocked across the room, or worse, by my mom for acting out,, and yelling was so commonplace from both of my parents that I had learned to tune it out by the time I was old enough to remember. So while my daughter is sitting on the stairs and hopefully thinking about what she has done and what she can do better next time, I'm calming myself down and planning my parenting strategy and my words very carefully because I don't want to act like my own mom did. Actually, I don't use time-out much anymore now that my daughter is older, so I kind of have to get myself together on the fly these days. The practice during time-outs when my kid was younger helped a lot.
>
> Jo Elizabeth
>
> "The Bright Side of Darkness"
> is my newly published novel,
> available in Kindle, audio, and paperback formats at Amazon.com.
> -----Original Message----- From: Rob Kaiser via BlParent
> Sent: Saturday, March 26, 2016 3:08 PM
> To: 'Blind Parents Mailing List'
> Cc: Rob Kaiser
> Subject: Re: [blparent] behavior problems with our 4 year old
>
> I never have had much stock in "time out," but I know that is the new (well
> I guess not so new) way of doing things. Perhaps, because when I was growing
> up, they didn't have time out. I think the big thing is to use good
> judgement when it comes to getting your child to mind you.
>
> Rob Kaiser
> Email;
> rcubfank at sbcglobal.net
>
>
> -----Original Message-----
> From: BlParent [mailto:blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Jo
> Elizabeth Pinto via BlParent
> Sent: Saturday, March 26, 2016 1:27 PM
> To: Blind Parents Mailing List <blparent at nfbnet.org>
> Cc: Jo Elizabeth Pinto <jopinto at msn.com>
> Subject: Re: [blparent] behavior problems with our 4 year old
>
> I completely agree with what Judy has written, especially with the part
> about staying calm and firm, and having the child answer specific questions
> about what they did in the particular situation and what they can do
> differently next time. My eight-year-old daughter hates that, but it really
> gets her focused, calmed down, and it turns a negative event into a learning
> moment. Even at four, your daughter probably has the verbal skills to
> answer the basic questions. And the cuddle time while you are talking is
> very healing. I also definitely agree with always letting your daughter
> know that you love her dearly, even if her behavior is unacceptable. I tell
> my daughter often that I love her, but because I love her, I can't allow her
> to act in certain ways or do unacceptable things.
>
> Time-out, if it is effective, is usually only a minute per year of age of
> the child. I have my daughter sit on the stairs instead of going to her
> room, since I want her room to be a positive place. There's nothing to do
> on the stairs. She went through a period of not staying put, so I just sat
> with her on the stairs and let her cling to me, so I wasn't completely
> withdrawn from her, but I didn't interact with her till the period of the
> time-out had passed. I didn't see a problem with that because the point of
> the time-out was to get her calmed down enough to communicate reasonably
> about the infraction that had gotten her there in the first place. I think
> an hour in isolation is too long for a child of any age, much less a
> preschooler, who doesn't have the attention span to cope with that. After
> the time-out, I would sit on the stairs and talk to my daughter about why we
> were there and what needed to happen differently the next time.
>
> Also, preparing your daughter before a meal or a trip somewhere might help a
> lot. Tell her specifically what behavior you expect from her. Instead of
> telling her to be good, say that you want her to hold your hand and use her
> inside voice. Kids need to feel that their parents are in control of the
> situation, and it scares them if they get the idea they have too much
> control themselves. My girl is strong-willed, too, so we've been through a
> lot of hard times. But those few moments of outlining the expectations
> beforehand have worked wonders. Another thing that has been of tremendous
> benefit is giving a warning time when transitioning between activities. Let
> your daughter know when there are five minutes left before you are going to
> stop an activity and have lunch or go somewhere or whatever, then two
> minutes left, then one minute, or whatever works for her. That stopped a
> lot of acting out with my daughter, who wasn't good at transitions, and
> tended to pitch big fits if we just suddenly sprung it on her that we were
> leaving or breaking for a meal or something.
>
> Also, when your daughter isn't acting out, try to do as many positive
> activities with her as you can. That may lessen her need to misbehave,
> wherever it is coming from. Have her help you make muffins or plant flowers
> or whatever hobbies or interests you enjoy doing. Build sand castles. Play
> Barbies. Watch movies together. The more positive time you can enjoy, the
> less your focus will be on correcting her misbehavior, and a lot of it may
> correct itself.
>
> Love and Logic is great. I've taken a class and use some of its principles
> in my parenting every day.
>
> Anything that can de-escalate a battle of wills is a good thing. I know
> this well as the parent of a strong-willed child, but also as a grown up
> strong-willed child myself. My mom used to laugh half-heartedly and say
> that "because I said so" never impressed me much as a kid. She said when I
> was two or three years old, she used that line on me and I just tossed my
> little head and shrugged. I remember vividly one evening when I was maybe
> nine or ten, she set a bowl of stew in front of me that wasn't to my liking,
> and when I turned up my nose, she said, "You're going to sit there till you
> finish eating that." I crossed my arms and thought, "This is one fight I
> can win." About midnight she walked into the kitchen and asked, "You're not
> going to pick up your spoon, are you?" I just shook my head. She was so
> furious she snatched up the bowl of stew and flung it to the floor. The
> bowl shattered, the stew splattered, she had a mess to mop up, and I won
> hands-down.
>
> Sorry for the long post. Please understand, I'm not trying to come across
> as an expert or anything. I'm in the trenches just like you, and I've had
> my moments of desperation as the parent of a strong-willed child. I wish
> you the best of luck, and I hope you share your challenges and successes
> along the way so the rest of us can benefit from what you learn.
>
> Jo Elizabeth
>
> "The Bright Side of Darkness"
> is my newly published novel,
> available in Kindle, audio, and paperback formats at Amazon.com.
> -----Original Message-----
> From: Judy Jones via BlParent
> Sent: Saturday, March 26, 2016 12:07 PM
> To: Blind Parents Mailing List
> Cc: Judy Jones
> Subject: Re: [blparent] behavior problems with our 4 year old
>
> Thank you so much for writing in. I am an older mom with grown girls. I
> could be wrong, but I am guessing that misbehaving may have started
> happening long before now and that it has finally gotten to the point where
> you are reaching out for help.
>
> I know in this day and age and culture spanking is not popular, and some see
> it as child abuse. Certainly, if done in the wrong way, it can turn into
> that.
>
> I'm here to tell you, though, we did believe in spanking, only as a last
> resort, and our daughters ages 29 and 25 can remember their spankings, and
> now laugh about them, as I now laugh about the ones I remember getting, as
> my mother also did hers as she recounted them. Both daughters have also
> told us that spankings worked and that they plan to spank their kids when
> they have them. My eldest is married to a state trooper, used to work in
> Voc Rehab, next to my office, and told the people over there that a lot
> fewer adults would have anxiety issues had they had clearer guidelines and
> probably been loved and spanked growing up, her opinion, of course.
>
> The most important thing is
> to let your daughter know you love her unconditionally, but you will not
> tollerate negative behaviors. The idea is to love the person, but not
> always the behavior. The first time we had an issue with our eldest, she
> was maybe 2, I was holding her in my arms, and there was something she
> wasn't liking at the moment. She reached out with her tiny hand and hit my
> face. I immediately popped her diapered bottom with my hand and firmly said
> "No!" She got really still, probably out of surprise, then started to cry.
> So I hugged her close and told her I loved her but that she could not do
> that.
>
> A great book that is on BARD is Dr. James Dobson's Dare To Discipline, check
> it out.
>
> Above all, and this is hard to do, keep your voice down and calm, even in
> the middle of a trying situation. Let your actions speak for themselves,
> and no raised voice. Think of yourself as the corrections officer that
> does not have to get angry, but does have to correct negative behavior. I
> had an older lady tell me when my kids were young to save the yelling or
> raised voice for life-threatening situations, such as running in front of a
> car, a fire, etc. Not saying that you're yelling at your girl, just some
> thoughts.
>
> I also gather that she thinks she has the control since you can't see her.
> and I'm guessing this started quite a while ago, too?
>
> Many parents ask there kids to come to them, when the kid doesn't respond,
> don't make a big deal about it or ask them to come to you. Go find them,
> and when you do, be very matter of fact about it, saying something like,
> "Oh! There you are!" . You are subconsciously training them then that
> whether or not they hide, you do the finding regardless. Believe it or not,
> my husband and I were given this advice when having guide dogs and wanting
> to train the dog to always come to us. It worked for the dogs, and it
> worked for the girls in the toddler stage. They never hid because there was
> no reason to, and that helped in the control.
>
> You can say things like, "You may not do such and such," or "This behavior
> is unacceptable." While it is obvious to us, you are training your child.
> Stay away from phrases like "you're being bad," or any negative phrase with
> the word "you"
> in it. You love your girl, but you don't love her behavior, very big
> difference.
>
> Spanking etiquette, if you want to call it that. We wouldn't ever spank for
> things like spilled milk, but would for any open rebellion or disobedience,
> and used as a last resort. We also would give them a warning, and might say
> something like, if you do such and such again, you will get a swat, then
> very important to follow through.
> We only spanked where we knew that they knew they were out and out
> disobeying, which was very rare.
>
> The first thing we would ask them is, "What did I tell you?" They would
> have to answer back. Then you ask something like, "And what did you do?"
> They have to answer that too. Again without raised voices. You have to do
> this calmly and objectively. Then we would send them to their room, saying
> we would be up in a few minutes. What that few minutes does is to help mom
> and dad calm down, diffuses the situation, and gets kids really nervous,
> according to my daughters, because they would know what is coming. In about
> 5 or 10 minutes, one of us would go up to the room, give the swats on the
> bottom only. Then we would have a cuddle time for a couple of minutes or
> however long it would take for the child to cry, to reassure them we love
> them, and that we want them to grow to be a loving adult.
>
> Another thought. When a daughter did something she shouldn't have done, or
> when older, got herself into a situation she wished she hadn't, in talking
> things out, we would try to look at the solution, get into problem-solving
> mode. The phrase that starts this off is quote Next Time. Example, "Next
> time, come to mom first." "Next time, check with so and so." When they are
> older and you're talking you can ask them something like, "How do you think
> you can avoid that, or what would help you next time?"
>
> Your daughter sounds very smart and sociable, but all kids are going to test
> their parents, it's part of growing up, it's okay. How we respond will set
> the tone for the future. I know lots of people do time-out, but we never
> did. Hope some of these thoughts are of help, and definitely let us know
> how things go.
>
>
> Judy
> -----Original Message-----
> From: Chris Reagan via BlParent
> Sent: Saturday, March 26, 2016 9:24 AM
> To: blparent at nfbnet.org
> Cc: Chris Reagan
> Subject: [blparent] behavior problems with our 4 year old
>
> Good morning all:
> We're having a serious behavior problem with our 4 year old child and we'd
> like to know if there's anything anyone can suggest on how to get this issue
> under control. We've tried just about everything we can think of to deal
> with this and It's almost like she doesn't care. I'll give some examples as
> to what she's done and what we've tried. She likes to take foodand dump it,
> we finally got the locks that will keep her out of the cabinets. She's taken
> the drawers out of her dresser. In response we've put locks on them which
> she got around. Here's something that I wrote for what happened this
> morning, and this is also a common occurrence.
> Okay, so our child does something wrong, we put her in timeout. She doesn't
> stay still in timeout, so she is sent to her room for an hour.
> Mind you, that because of her behavior, we've taken all her toys away so her
> room isn't a very enjoyible place right now. So she opens the window and
> starts talking to people in general which we don't want her to do because of
> housing rules regarding the windows being open when the temps are below 50
> and because we don't know who she's talking too.
> So I go in and close the window and she decides to get out of her room, run
> in to the living room and run from us and hide in plain sight. I catch her
> and put her back in. in the attempt to keep her in there for the time that
> we've set, she takes my phone runs to her bed with it, and tosses it behind
> her bed, thank god for outerbox cases. I normally don't spank, but that
> deserved a spanking and that's what she got. Now she's a very bright kid,
> very smart, does well in head start. She loves to draw and help people and
> we're happy to have her in our lives!. But, her behavior is getting to the
> point where she's wearing us down. Now, spanking is something we don't like
> to do and we don't enjoy it at all.
> Plus, I believe that it only causes more problems. We've taken away tv
> privoleges and I've also resorted to taking away her toys as I previously
> stated including the stuffed animals that she likes to sleep and play with.
> When we want to go somewhere, we can't, because her grandparents won't baby
> sit anymore because of her behavior, plus when we take her places, we insist
> she hold mommy and daddy's hand, but does she, no and she knows how to
> remove the leashes. So if there's anything that we've missed or haven't done
> to curve her behavior, please don't hesitate to speak up. We love her dearly
> and we only want the best for her in the end.
> Take Care all:
> Chris
>
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