[blparent] {Spam?} RE: behavior problems with our 4 year old

Tue Mar 29 13:50:01 UTC 2016

Hello Chris and Jodi,
You have gotten a lot of great advice so far. I would only add the
following.
First, an hour by herself is, as many have said, an extremely long time, and
it only allows her to get in more trouble. I would definitely suggest making
the time by herself shorter. Second, and you probably do this all ready, but
making her clean up what she dumps is very important. I completely
understand how frustrating this is, but if you react in a matter-of-fact
way, instead of yelling or getting angry, she may figure out that this is
not something which gets her any attention, and decide it is not worth her
trouble... Especially if she has to clean up the mess. And, when I say clean
up the mess, I do mean she needs to clean it up nicely, without just
throwing things back in her drawer. This could be a great time to teach her
how to fold clothes if she does not all ready know how. This might mean one
of you needs to sit in the room with her in order to supervise. Again, I
know this can be frustrating, but it will insure the job is done completely,
in the way you expect. You can also praise her as she is working, talk to
her about why she dumped her drawers, etc. If she fights with you and
refuses to do the work, then you should give her time to calm herself down
but insist the work be done. The biggest thing is to stay calm yourself. If
you feel yourself getting angry, giving yourself a bit of time away to calm
down is important. Also, communicating with her that you are getting upset
and need some time to calm yourself down might help her begin to understand
that everyone gets angry and needs a break to calm down sometimes. This
might open some nice conversation between you two later about how you calm
yourself down, and maybe the two of you could practice together different
techniques, like taking deep breaths, counting to ten slowly, etc. that help
you when you are angry. 
Finally, I understand taking her toys away as a punishment, but does she
have clear ways to earn her toys back? And by clear, I mean things like "if
you help me wipe the table after dinner, then you may have one of your toys
back." Things that are clear, that she can succeed at, and that she can do
and see results right away. Not things like "if you are good, then you can
earn a toy." I might also consider having a couple of toys which help her
feel safe and calm her down that you do not take away from her. You could
even use these special toys as part of the conversation about what she has
done wrong, and what she can do differently next time. She could use a
stuffed animal to act out what she did, and then act out making a better
choice. Or she could be the teacher--she could pretend the animal did the
same thing wrong that she did, and then talk to the animal about how to make
better choices next time. Again, you should be there supervising this,
prompting her if she gets stuck, asking her questions, etc. But some kids
learn a lot more through play than lectures. You could even be the one
talking to the animal and answering for it, or she could do the talking to
the animal and you could answer... The possibilities are many.

I really feel for what you are going through. Parenting is the hardest, yet
most rewarding job there is. I am sure the three of you will get everything
sorted out. You love your daughter--make sure you let her know that every
day. And, if something does not go well one day, know there is always the
next day and you will all have more chances to make it better. I guess you
should make sure the slate is truly clean each morning. I know it is very
easy to hold grudges for things that were difficult the day before, and
there may be consequences for behavior from yesterday that carry over to the
next day, but remind her and yourselves that each morning is a new morning,
and all of you can work together to make this day a great day.
The best of luck to all of you. I am a former school counselor, so I hope
you are able to take advantage of services from a behaviorall therapist, or
anyone else who might be able to help the three of you through this rough
patch. Sometimes it is nice to have someone objective take a look at the
situation. If you don't like the particular therapist for whatever reason
though, and/or don't like the techniques suggested, then feel free to find
someone else who will be a better fit for your family. There is no one way
to solve this type of problem, so you should take advice and help from
anyone or any book which makes sense to you, and put that advice together
into something that works for all of you.
Please keep us updated about how things go.
Melissa
-----Original Message-----
From: BlParent [mailto:blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Chris
Reagan via BlParent
Sent: Saturday, March 26, 2016 11:25 AM
To: blparent at nfbnet.org
Cc: Chris Reagan
Subject: [blparent] behavior problems with our 4 year old

Good morning all:
We're having a serious behavior problem with our 4 year old child and we'd
like to know if there's anything anyone can suggest on how to get this issue
under control. We've tried just about everything we can think of to deal
with this and It's almost like she doesn't care. I'll give some examples as
to what she's done and what we've tried. She likes to take foodand dump it,
we finally got the locks that will keep her out of the cabinets. She's taken
the drawers out of her dresser. In response we've put locks on them which
she got around. Here's something that I wrote for what happened this
morning, and this is also a common occurrence.
Okay, so our child does something wrong, we put her in timeout. She doesn't
stay still in timeout, so she is sent to her room for an hour. 
Mind you, that because of her behavior, we've taken all her toys away so her
room isn't a very enjoyible place right now. So she opens the window and
starts talking to people in general which we don't want her to do because of
housing rules regarding the windows being open when the temps are below 50
and because we don't know who she's talking too. 
So I go in and close the window and she decides to get out of her room, run
in to the living room and run from us and hide in plain sight. I catch her
and put her back in. in the attempt to keep her in there for the time that
we've set, she takes my phone runs to her bed with it, and tosses it behind
her bed, thank god for outerbox cases. I normally don't spank, but that
deserved a spanking and that's what she got. Now she's a very bright kid,
very smart, does well in head start. She loves to draw and help people and
we're happy to have her in our lives!. But, her behavior is getting to the
point where she's wearing us down. Now, spanking is something we don't like
to do and we don't enjoy it at all. 
Plus, I believe that it only causes more problems. We've taken away tv
privoleges and I've also resorted to taking away her toys as I previously
stated including the stuffed animals that she likes to sleep and play with.
When we want to go somewhere, we can't, because her grandparents won't baby
sit anymore because of her behavior, plus when we take her places, we insist
she hold mommy and daddy's hand, but does she, no and she knows how to
remove the leashes. So if there's anything that we've missed or haven't done
to curve her behavior, please don't hesitate to speak up. We love her dearly
and we only want the best for her in the end.
Take Care all:
Chris

_______________________________________________
BlParent mailing list
BlParent at nfbnet.org
http://nfbnet.org/mailman/listinfo/blparent_nfbnet.org
To unsubscribe, change your list options or get your account info for
BlParent:
http://nfbnet.org/mailman/options/blparent_nfbnet.org/melissa%40riccobono.us

---
This email has been checked for viruses by Avast antivirus software.
https://www.avast.com/antivirus