[blparent] {Spam?} RE: behavior problems with our 4 year old

Tue Mar 29 16:42:11 UTC 2016

I like your phrase you used, peaceful parenting, so true.  I've heard it said that parents should take the role of a "benevolent dictator."  The authority should be there with clear guidelines set, but handled with love and generosity.

Judy

-----Original Message-----
From: BlParent [mailto:blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Briley O'Connor via BlParent
Sent: Tuesday, March 29, 2016 10:03 AM
To: Blind Parents Mailing List
Cc: Briley O'Connor
Subject: Re: [blparent] {Spam?} RE: behavior problems with our 4 year old

Hi there,

My baby is just entering toddler stage, but both of my siblings have children, and here are some resources that have been useful to me and them. Let me preface this by saying that I have no judgment for how others parent. Different things work for different children and families.

The key, for me…even with my baby…has been to understand the “why” behind my child’s actions. Children are not little adults. Their brains are still developing and they’re working out emotional regulation, which is part of your role as a parent to help facilitate that development. 

http://www.amazon.com/ToddlerCalm-calmer-toddlers-happier-parents/dp/0349401055

This book will offer suggestions sthat will help you be a calmer parent and for your child and you to be able to communicate better. Personally, so much of how I was raised was authoritarian, and it wasn’t super successful. Really, when we parent our babies, we’re building the foundation for parenting teens and building that trust. I’m not saying (and neither is this book) that kids can just do whatever they want whenever they want. Certainly not. But peaceful parenting establishes boundaries while acknowledging that your child is a human with a right to their feelings. It also helps to understand where your child is in their stage of development. The below blog has been super helpful on all kinds of fronts with this.

http://evolutionaryparenting.com

The posts are well organized so you should be able to find things that speak to your situation specifically. I’ve also done a consultation with her, and she’s brilliant and super super helpful.

I hope this helps.

Briley
On Mar 29, 2016, at 9:50 AM, Melissa Riccobono via BlParent <blparent at nfbnet.org> wrote:

Hello Chris and Jodi,
You have gotten a lot of great advice so far. I would only add the following.
First, an hour by herself is, as many have said, an extremely long time, and it only allows her to get in more trouble. I would definitely suggest making the time by herself shorter. Second, and you probably do this all ready, but making her clean up what she dumps is very important. I completely understand how frustrating this is, but if you react in a matter-of-fact way, instead of yelling or getting angry, she may figure out that this is not something which gets her any attention, and decide it is not worth her trouble... Especially if she has to clean up the mess. And, when I say clean up the mess, I do mean she needs to clean it up nicely, without just throwing things back in her drawer. This could be a great time to teach her how to fold clothes if she does not all ready know how. This might mean one of you needs to sit in the room with her in order to supervise. Again, I know this can be frustrating, but it will insure the job is done completely, in the way you expect. You can also praise her as she is working, talk to her about why she dumped her drawers, etc. If she fights with you and refuses to do the work, then you should give her time to calm herself down but insist the work be done. The biggest thing is to stay calm yourself. If you feel yourself getting angry, giving yourself a bit of time away to calm down is important. Also, communicating with her that you are getting upset and need some time to calm yourself down might help her begin to understand that everyone gets angry and needs a break to calm down sometimes. This might open some nice conversation between you two later about how you calm yourself down, and maybe the two of you could practice together different techniques, like taking deep breaths, counting to ten slowly, etc. that help you when you are angry. 
Finally, I understand taking her toys away as a punishment, but does she have clear ways to earn her toys back? And by clear, I mean things like "if you help me wipe the table after dinner, then you may have one of your toys back." Things that are clear, that she can succeed at, and that she can do and see results right away. Not things like "if you are good, then you can earn a toy." I might also consider having a couple of toys which help her feel safe and calm her down that you do not take away from her. You could even use these special toys as part of the conversation about what she has done wrong, and what she can do differently next time. She could use a stuffed animal to act out what she did, and then act out making a better choice. Or she could be the teacher--she could pretend the animal did the same thing wrong that she did, and then talk to the animal about how to make better choices next time. Again, you should be there supervising this, prompting her if she gets stuck, asking her questions, etc. But some kids learn a lot more through play than lectures. You could even be the one talking to the animal and answering for it, or she could do the talking to the animal and you could answer... The possibilities are many.

I really feel for what you are going through. Parenting is the hardest, yet most rewarding job there is. I am sure the three of you will get everything sorted out. You love your daughter--make sure you let her know that every day. And, if something does not go well one day, know there is always the next day and you will all have more chances to make it better. I guess you should make sure the slate is truly clean each morning. I know it is very easy to hold grudges for things that were difficult the day before, and there may be consequences for behavior from yesterday that carry over to the next day, but remind her and yourselves that each morning is a new morning, and all of you can work together to make this day a great day.
The best of luck to all of you. I am a former school counselor, so I hope you are able to take advantage of services from a behaviorall therapist, or anyone else who might be able to help the three of you through this rough patch. Sometimes it is nice to have someone objective take a look at the situation. If you don't like the particular therapist for whatever reason though, and/or don't like the techniques suggested, then feel free to find someone else who will be a better fit for your family. There is no one way to solve this type of problem, so you should take advice and help from anyone or any book which makes sense to you, and put that advice together into something that works for all of you.
Please keep us updated about how things go.
Melissa
-----Original Message-----
From: BlParent [mailto:blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Chris Reagan via BlParent
Sent: Saturday, March 26, 2016 11:25 AM
To: blparent at nfbnet.org
Cc: Chris Reagan
Subject: [blparent] behavior problems with our 4 year old

Good morning all:
We're having a serious behavior problem with our 4 year old child and we'd like to know if there's anything anyone can suggest on how to get this issue under control. We've tried just about everything we can think of to deal with this and It's almost like she doesn't care. I'll give some examples as to what she's done and what we've tried. She likes to take foodand dump it, we finally got the locks that will keep her out of the cabinets. She's taken the drawers out of her dresser. In response we've put locks on them which she got around. Here's something that I wrote for what happened this morning, and this is also a common occurrence.
Okay, so our child does something wrong, we put her in timeout. She doesn't stay still in timeout, so she is sent to her room for an hour. 
Mind you, that because of her behavior, we've taken all her toys away so her room isn't a very enjoyible place right now. So she opens the window and starts talking to people in general which we don't want her to do because of housing rules regarding the windows being open when the temps are below 50 and because we don't know who she's talking too. 
So I go in and close the window and she decides to get out of her room, run in to the living room and run from us and hide in plain sight. I catch her and put her back in. in the attempt to keep her in there for the time that we've set, she takes my phone runs to her bed with it, and tosses it behind her bed, thank god for outerbox cases. I normally don't spank, but that deserved a spanking and that's what she got. Now she's a very bright kid, very smart, does well in head start. She loves to draw and help people and we're happy to have her in our lives!. But, her behavior is getting to the point where she's wearing us down. Now, spanking is something we don't like to do and we don't enjoy it at all. 
Plus, I believe that it only causes more problems. We've taken away tv privoleges and I've also resorted to taking away her toys as I previously stated including the stuffed animals that she likes to sleep and play with.
When we want to go somewhere, we can't, because her grandparents won't baby sit anymore because of her behavior, plus when we take her places, we insist she hold mommy and daddy's hand, but does she, no and she knows how to remove the leashes. So if there's anything that we've missed or haven't done to curve her behavior, please don't hesitate to speak up. We love her dearly and we only want the best for her in the end.
Take Care all:
Chris

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