[humanser] stepparents, children: "Hang in

[Mary Ann Robinson]

MU researchers send message to stepparents, children: "Hang in
there"
  By Jill Renae Hicks Columbia Daily Tribune Friday, April 15,
2011
  Frequently milled for sitcom material, and a ubiquitous trend
of modern American society, stepfamilies are typically fraught
with new emotions and tensions.  Why do some step-relationships
thrive and others turn hostile -- or, perhaps even worse,
apathetic? These questions have been the latest subject of study
for University of Missouri human development experts Lawrence
Ganong and Marilyn Coleman.
  "In some ways, we've been working on stepfamily research for 30
years," Coleman, curators professor in the College of Human
Environmental Sciences, said in a joint phone interview.  The
pair began collecting qualitative research over a couple of years
for their newest study, "Patterns of Stepchild-Stepparent
Relationship Development," but have been looking for "new ways to
collect data; new questions to ask" for much longer than that,
she said.  Coleman and Ganong, an MU professor of human
development, published a previous study about how stepparents
attempt to develop relationships with their stepchildren.  This
newest study, published in the April issue of the Journal of
Marriage and Family, focuses on the stepchild's perspective.
  The main finding of the study, according to its press file, is
"stepchildren relate with stepparents based on the stepparents'
treatment of them and their evaluations, or judgments, of the
stepparents' behaviors." In other words: "Children don't really
think that it's up to them to forge relationships," Ganong said.
"So really, it depends on the stepparents' to begin to make
efforts to build a relationship.  He explained children and
adolescents respond to their stepparent at least partly based on
how they evaluate the adult's efforts to connect.
  Some stepparents "who made a purposeful effort to build a close
relationship ...  from the start of the relationship were still
doing it when we studied them," Ganong said.  But others who only
worked at the relationship before they were fully tied to the
stepchild's biological parent simply stopped making efforts once
they moved in or once marriage was official.  "Sadly, a third
group never did anything to build a close relationship," Ganong
finished, adding children usually could intuit whether the new
adult actually cared about building a relationship with them.
  The two professors gathered their research primarily through
in-depth interviews with MU students who have had stepparents --
many students had more than one -- and identifying common
patterns within the interviews.  Thirty-two stepdaughters and 17
stepsons were interviewed, and the study is "at least a bPart 2"
-- maybe a "Part 10," -- of a longer-term study of stepfamilies,
Coleman said with a chuckle.
  Gradually, Coleman and Ganong began to identify common patterns
of relationship development between stepparents and stepchildren.
Coleman, especially, was surprised that six patterns of
relationship development emerged: accepting as a parent, liking
from the start, accepting with ambivalence, changing trajectory,
rejecting the stepparent and coexisting.  Factors that influenced
these patterns included the child's age and whether the adult and
child shared common interests.
  "One of the most interesting patterns, to me, was the `changing
trajectory` group -- hating the stepparent at first, to becoming
very close to them," Ganong said.  "The take-home message for
stepparents is, `Hang in there.`" He explained that many
stepchildren, especially adolescents, reject their stepparents'
efforts to connect at first.  But after a period of time, many
begin to respond positively.  "There's some indication that
stepparents give up too soon, Ganong said.  "Americans are pretty
impatient."
  Coleman's advice to stepchildren: "Don't make a snap decision
about your stepparents.  Give them a chance," she said.  She also
pointed to the study's findings that, initially, the stepparent
should try to participate in activities the kids enjoy, even if
it's not what the stepparent would naturally like.  "You don't do
things with friends that only you like to do," she said.  The two
advise adults to think about how they would build a friendship
with another adult -- then build a relationship with their
stepchild in a similar way.
  Ganong also noted that no parent begins to discipline his or
her biological child right away.  Instead, parents first develop
a bond with their child.
  Stepparents should do the same.  "If you have a bond with a
child, then that child will do what you ask them to do," Ganong
said.  But he added it often still is very difficult for some
stepparents to use this kind of bonding-first principle with
their stepchildren.
  On the other side of the equation, biological parents outside
the new relationship might need to allow their children the
opportunity to connect with stepparents.  Those children most
often are happier all around, Ganong said, because they feel
freedom to have relationships with both their biological parents
and their stepparents.  Children can accumulate affection for
more family members instead of dividing affections, he explained.
  Coleman and Ganong are hopeful their study will influence
marriage and family therapy and counseling practices for
stepfamilies.  But they also hope it will encourage stepparents
and stepchildren in a personal way -- especially because the
number of stepfamilies has increased so rapidly in the United
States in recent years.  "So it's really important that we
understand this," Coleman said.
  Reach Jill Renae Hicks at 573-815-1714 or e-mail
jrhicks at columbiatribune.com
.
  Copyright 2011 Columbia Tribune.  All rights reserved.
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