[humanser] I Was Raped, And It Got Me Pregnant -- What Akin and Other

[Susan Tabor]

Hi, Mary Ann:

Yes, it is worth sharing.  Thank you for doing so.  I keep thinking that
maybe, just maybe, we've made some progress concerning women's issues.  Then
someone like Todd Akin comes along and does something like this; it is very
sad; very disheartening.  As I'm sure you have, I have worked with clients
who have experienced rape and the author of this article does a great job of
describing the hell they go through in their work to recover.
Susan Tabor

-----Original Message-----
From: humanser-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:humanser-bounces at nfbnet.org] On
Behalf Of Mary Ann Robinson
Sent: Saturday, August 25, 2012 8:27 PM
To: Human Services Mailing List
Subject: [humanser] I Was Raped, And It Got Me Pregnant -- What Akin and
Other

This article was sent to me on another list and I thought it was worth
sharing.

Mary Ann Robinson

I Was Raped, And It Got Me Pregnant -- What Akin and Other Extremists Will
Never Understand
  August 22, 2012
  At 19 years old, I became an unwilling expert on the topic of rape.  I
learned about rape's savagery and its psychological trauma.
  Lately, we've been hearing from men who don't know much about the subject
at all.  On Monday, Senate candidate Rep.  Todd Akin, R-Mo., created a stir
when he said, "If it's a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to
shut that whole thing down."
But his casual, off-the-cuff ignorance is just the latest in ais long line
of insults.  In March, Kansas Rep.  Pete DeGraf said, "Women should plan
ahead for rape the way he keeps a spare tire."
A few weeks after that Indiana state Rep.  Eric Turner said, "Some women
might fake being raped in order to get free abortions." I can't stand by and
watch these men who have no personal experience with sexual assault pretend
to know so much about it.
  I do know about rape.  I received an education of the highest degree, and
now it's my turn to teach.
  My story begins during an overnight at my best friend's camp on a lake in
Central New York.  I rode to the camp with my best friend and her husband,
who was in the Navy and home on leave.
  When we got there, she told me I could have the best bedroom upstairs
since everyone else was sleeping on the first floor.
Feeling special, I unpacked my belongings in the secluded little room at the
end of the hall.  That night, I was the first to go to bed.
  Sound asleep, I awoke in the middle of the night to the force of a cold,
calloused hand across my mouth.  It was my best friend's husband.  He was a
big guy, and I was frozen with fear and intimidation; I could not move a
muscle.
  Everything seemed to be happening in slow motion.  My eyes were screaming
at him: Why are you doing this to me? But my voice was silent.  His hand
clamped over my mouth had stopped the flow of words.  I wondered what I had
done to make this happen, to make my best friendbs husband want to hurt me?
  Then I realized he wasn't alone.  I saw the second face in the darkness --
another friend I had known all my life was now on top of me.  The pain began
shooting through my body as he tore off my underwear.  It felt like
everything stopped in that moment, mentally and physically.  My breathing
stopped.  The blood in my veins stopped flowing.  I realize now that this
was just the beginning of what it is like to be raped.
  My old life was gone, over.  Now, I walked into darkness shackled to a
completely different existence, one I could never have imagined.
  After that night, my mind turned against me.  Poisonous thoughts seeped
into every crevice and I had nightmares of faceless strangers chasing me
every night in my dreams.  I did not trust anyone.  I blamed myself.  I
believed that I would never be able to cleanse the filth off my body.  I
never pressed charges, because at 19 years old (and this was 30 years ago),
I wasn't even sure if this was legally a crime, since I knew the men who
raped me.
  But just when I thought the horror couldn't escalate any further, things
got worse: My period never came.  At first, I assumed it was due to the
stress and anxiety, so I waited.  I waited and waited, and fear swarmed in
my mind.
  Eight weeks after I was raped, Planned Parenthood gave me the
confirmation: I was pregnant.  The woman who worked there tried to tell me
about my options, but I ran.  I threw up in the parking lot.  I drove around
for hours praying this was all a dream.
  Any chance to remotely reclaim who I was disappeared in that moment.  My
whole worldview was challenged.  I'm a Catholic, and I didn't understand:
How could this happen to me?
  I was innocent.  I did nothing wrong.  But I was overwhelmed by fear,
guilt and shame.
  Just when I thought I might be able to push the ugliness of this savage
act out of my mind, I realized I would never be able to escape.  It would
not let me go.
  I was mentally, emotionally and spiritually broken, and the thought of
what had resulted from this vile act took my self-hatred into another
dimension.  I wanted no memory of that night, would do anything possible to
erase it in the hope that it would somehow ease the sick, disgusting feeling
I got every time I looked in the mirror.  I realized that in order to
maintain what little sanity I had left, I had to terminate the pregnancy.
  Six months after the rape, I dropped out of college and developed an
eating disorder.  I collapsed into alcohol abuse and had abusive
relationships.
  It took me 12 years of trying to kill myself before I could actually
verbalize to a trusted counselor what happened to me.  I spent the next
eight years trying to reverse the damage that was done.  Twenty years of
serving time for a crime I didn't commit.
  Rep.  Akin and those who argue about "legitimate" rape, you have no idea
what you are talking about.  You don't know what it is like to have your
sacredness ripped away, ferociously taken without your permission.  A
pregnancy resulting from rape is a reminder of violence, hatred and
brutality forced upon your body.
And to tell a woman who has gone through the horror of being raped -- which
can and does, in fact, result in pregnancy -- that she again does not have
the power or control to decide what happens to her body afterward is an
outrage of epic proportions.
  I have learned to speak up about my experience, to never again be
silenced.  But unfortunately, I can't stop men who are not experts from
spouting off on things they don't know.  I wish they would.  I'm tired of
people on news show and running for political office offering their opinions
on rape and what a woman should do about it.
  The only individual who should be able to make this choice is the woman
who was raped.  End of story.
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