[il-talk] Damn It, We'hv been found out!!

[Don Gillmore]

Article from the Onion

 

The Blind Are Faking it

 

by: Rutherford B. Lyke

 

Citizens, hear us well. Our great nation is being undermined by a secret
society of individuals who carry deadly white truncheons and lead vicious
attack animals in public on a daily basis. These mysterious folk also have a
secret means of communication, while shocking new evidence seems to indicate
that they may even possess senses superior to those of other humans. We're
speaking, of course, of the legions of the so-called blind. Let's assume for
a minute that we swallow this "blindness" hoax in the first place. If these
people are somehow bereft of the gift of sight, how does that explain the
works of Stevie Wonder, Ray Charles and Ronnie Milsap? How could such men
possibly play music if they were blind? What do they take us for-ignorant
saps?

 

The first issue I must point out is their very public display of armed
might. Every individual laying claim to sightlessness carries a cudgel on
their person at all times. These "canes," as they call them, are supposed to
help them feel their way along. They are painted white, almost as if the
bearer wished to remind passersby of its presence, and the weapon's tip is
painted a chillingly suggestive red. Those who have studied the mysterious
fighting arts of the Orient know that such sticks may be wielded with deadly
force by those with skill. In a surprise attack, strategically placed squads
of the "blind" could quickly overwhelm our police forces. Their fearsome
nature encompasses more than just personal weaponry. Many of the alleged
blind also own large, vicious attack dogs for the supposed purpose of
guidance along city streets. With one word from their scheming masters,
these slavering "guide" dogs could become guided missiles! Indeed, most of
these fearsome beasts are German shepherds, a species of killer wolf
invented by twisted, Fascist dog breeders, which has somehow fallen into
this most suspect faction of the disabled. The most frightening aspect of
this diabolical conspiracy by far is their ability to communicate with one
another unbeknownst to upstanding citizens. Their secret code consists of a
series of raised dots cunningly arranged into arcane shapes. Known as
"Braille," this demonic alphabet has begun popping up in places that were
doubtlessly chosen for their mundane, everyday outward appearance: 

elevators, building directories, automated teller machines and the like. 

This system seems rational enough, and does not attract undue attention. But
think! If the messages on the signs changed suddenly, how would we know ? 

Next year, next month, next week, maybe even tomorrow, the signs will change
from "second floor" to "STRIKE NOW! STRIKE HARD!" and our nation will be
thrown into the chaos of revolution. At this juncture, there is no hard
evidence that the blind are planning such a revolution. We hope to have such
evidence very soon. But can one group possess such an overwhelming element
of surprise and fail to use it to seize power? And can their goals be
anything but evil? No, I say! I maintain that true blindness lies in failing
to see the threat where it must obviously lie, and we must be vigilantly
wary of the blind menace.