[nabs-l] Social Etiquette

[Arielle Silverman]

Hi all,

I certainly think that social skills/etiquette is important for high
school students to understand when transitioning to college and
beyond. One of the difficulties with detailing it on the fact sheet is
that many rules of etiquette and social grace vary depending on the
situation and the expectations of the people around. Just as there is
more than one way to look fashionable, there is more than one way to
be "well-mannered" and what is considered appropriate for one setting
may be considered wildly inappropriate in a different one. Really what
I think we want to capture is the ability to adapt to situations and
"blend in" by following the social/etiquette norms called for in those
situations.

I would also point out that I think most adolescents (blind and
sighted) who didn't grow up under a rock have a pretty good
intellectual knowledge of what is and isn't appropriate public
behavior. However, there is a big difference between simply knowing
what's appropriate and actually complying with social norms. In order
to comply with social norms one must know what they are, and also be
motivated to comply with them, and be in full  control of their
behavior. Returning to the hypothetical ten-year-old kid who  picks
his nose in public, it's possible that he honestly doesn't know that
it's inappropriate. More likely, though, is that he's  been told it's
inappropriate before (or laughed at for doing it), but he simply
doesn't care—either because his parents didn't scold or punish him for
doing it, or because they did but they're simply not around in the
situation and the kid doesn't think he's likely to get in trouble for
picking his nose. A third possibility is that he is motivated to not
pick his nose, but he's just spaced out and doesn't realize he's doing
it, or he has a bad nasal itch and feels compelled to scratch inside
his nose to relieve it, etc. The point is that mere knowledge of
etiquette isn't enough—people have to be motivated (ideally,
self-motivated) to do what's appropriate. There are some behaviors
commonly seen in blind people—known as "blindisms"—that can become so
habitually ingrained that even when people become motivated to stop
they still  have difficulty doing it. Eye-poking is an example of a
behavior that most people engaging in it know full well that it's
unattractive (and bad for their eyes), and often people are motivated
to stop, but some have a very hard time completely eliminating it.
(Speaking from  personal experience here, but also from conversations
with teenagers and adults who have genuinely struggled to stop and
still find themselves occasionally poking their eyes). To give a
different example, I think the vast majority of adults know about the
negative consequences of being chronically late for things, but there
are just some people who are always late—maybe they just don't care,
or maybe they do but just haven't figured out how to organize their
time so they're not late, etc.

That said, I do think parents and teachers can help kids improve their
social etiquette—not only by teaching what's appropriate (knowledge),
but by instilling motivation. Blind kids may be less motivated than
sighted kids to comply with social expectations either because they've
been held to lower standards by adults or because they don't see other
people's negative reactions to their behavior. So I think the emphasis
should be on teaching blind kids and teens to truly care about
conducting themselves well in public, adapting to different social
situations and building connections with others—rather than just
telling them to do or not do certain things. Giving rewards for good
behavior and punishments for bad is motivating to an extent, but
eventually kids need to be motivated regardless of who's around to
observe their actions. Ideally they will learn through experience that
following social norms and initiating connections with others makes
them happier and helps them to reach their goals.

So how do we do this? Any ideas?

Arielle