[nabs-l] Dating & Sighted-Blind-Low Vision

Fri Mar 23 01:42:22 UTC 2012

Hello All,
This is a really fantastic topic for a number of reasons. First,
dating is hard as a blind person. But dating can also be hard for
someone who is overweight, someone who is well below average height,
someone who has trouble hearing, etc. In short, dating can be hard for
anyone who isn't simply average, someone who doesn't fall squarely in
the fattest part of the bell curve when we look at populations. Even
geniuses have trouble dating, I'm friends with some, and it's a true
story.
I was having a conversation about dating with a very good friend of
mine a few days ago. And one of the things we both agreed upon, is
that one of the challenges of dating in the typical ways that most
people do, is that most sighted people see you as an asexual being,
who needs help, and who cannot be viewed as datable. Which, like
Arielle said,  makes it hard for blind people to go to bars and other
hang out places where singles gather and just pick up someone and go
on a date. We have to carry a heavier burden by making ourselves even
more accessible than most people, and this might play havoc with our
self-esteem.  The courting sequence usually goes something like this:
Man and woman sit at bar. Man and woman makes eye-contact.
If man and woman give each other physical cue, man will usually,
though not always, make a comment which will spark off conversation.
If woman is interested, about 2 minutes into the conversation she will
angle herself toward the man. If conversation continues to be
stimulating, and man and woman are getting a deeper connection, casual
touching might begin, and a second date might be requested.
Now, lets look at this from a blind perspective. Man or woman walk
into bar, after using cane successfully, fending off unwanted requests
to be helped, man or woman find barstool. After being observed to
enter by most of the bar, observers' mis-conceptions about blindness
will have been activated. And our shot of having this normal courting
sequence is nipped at the bud. Of course, a person who wasn't there
before hand might come in, look at your gorgeous skirt and be
instantly drawn in. Which is why, I like to arrive early at parties
and spark up a conversation with new comers. When they find out your
blind however, all bets are off.
This is not to say that blind individuals cannot and should not have a
dating experience. On the contrary, I have been fairly successful in
dating along with many other blind women and men I know. Like Arielle
and others mentioned, whether someone is sighted or blind should be
irrelevant in who you choose to spend your time with and consider as a
potential romantic partner. there are so many other things that come
into play. What's important to you? Values, humor, kindness,
intelligence, height, hair color, philosophical view, political
parties? Could you truly date a democrat with all those liberal ideas
they have? Or God forbid you find a blind conservative, but decide to
stay with them because it's more comfortable. Relationships are so
incredibly hard and take a lot of work .You learn a lot from each
other. But hopefully, most of the time you enjoy each other
thoroughly, know what your flaws are and continue to like the person
despite them, and have a stronger basis for that relationship than
mere visual acuity.
So, basically, yes, if online dating is something you want to
explore, than yes, do it! If the single chess club is something your
into, go for it! If a singles book club, (which is totally something
I'm looking into right now), sounds interesting, then by all means. Be
 creative, don't limit yourself to national convention or the local
bar,, try speed dating! Trivia night! Just going to house parties. But
most of all, be comfortable with yourself, don't go looking for a
sighted date or a blind date for validation. Because that never ends
well. The truth of the matter is that even those of us who are
completely comfortable with their blindness, who lead, full happy and
fulfilled life, can be put down sometimes by being perceived by the
sighted world as somehow lacking, when we know we are not. But, you do
learn that you really are ok, and that dating is just one more thing
we have to do using alternative skills. I know, from the experience of
friends, that some sighted people like to date blind people, because
it makes them feel useful. It validates their self-worth, since they
have someone they can help all the time. And I know blind people who
think that dating someone who is sighted is somehow a superior
experience. I've done both, and speaking from a woman's perspective.
All men have issues. But you can find some truly golden ones among
them all.
A long post of mine can never be complete without my usual reference
to fashion and looking good. Dress to bring out the best features of
yourself. Even at my worse jeans, shirt and sneakers college chic,
when I wake up 10 minutes before class, I always wear color. Because I
have a nice skin tone, and color is my friend. Look nice, get some
delicious lotion or perfume, and go get em.
Sincerely,
Mary

On 3/22/12, Doug Oliver <oliver.doug1 at gmail.com> wrote:
> I'm gonna way in on this topic.
> My fiancee is actually sited and I'm blind, she's been around blind people
> growing up, so she's very much accustomed to dating a blind person.
> We've met in person twice and it's been great.
> Take care,
> Doug
>
> ----- Original Message -----
> From: "Ashley" <cumbiambera2005 at gmail.com>
> To: "National Association of Blind Students mailing list"
> <nabs-l at nfbnet.org>
> Sent: Thursday, March 22, 2012 7:42 PM
> Subject: Re: [nabs-l] Dating & Sighted-Blind-Low Vision
>
>
> Hello all,
> Like some of the people who have posted already, I have had my own
> experiences with dating, as well as simply meeting people online. As a
> matter of fact, my current boyfriend is someone I met online, and he
> is blind as well. We have been dating a little over a year now, and I
> have also had the chance to meet him in person. I can say that some of
> what we've been through, especially when we met, was both good and
> bad, and even though he is blind, it was a little more disastrous
> because of his family who are sighted. Well the first time we actually
> got to "see" each other was through a webcam, and both families were
> present, not only for discriptive purposes but also because of us
> being long distance, and it was the only way the two families could
> meet. About 6 months later I got to visit him in person, and that was
> a little weird because he lives in another country, and a part of
> another culture, and that in itself brings its own barriers. I
> actually stayed at his house with his family, and I imagine it was
> hard on them because they've never dealt with another blind person
> besides him, and he is not as independent as I am. I have also met
> sighted people online, but I did not meet them through dating sites. I
> met them through pages we both visit, (blogs, etc), and in my opinion,
> that's better because you're actually meeting people you have things
> in common with, regardless of whether you date or not, and like most
> people have said already, one of the main things to consider when
> dating someone, blind or sighted, is what kinds of things you share in
> common with the other person. I personally have never dated a sighted
> person, but I have made some interesting friends online who are
> sighted. Some know I'm blind, and some do not, but not because I
> haven't wanted to tell them. I don't meet these people in person
> mainly because most of them are not from the U.S. and therefore it
> really hasn't come up. Besides, I'm not as close to them, and we
> mainly talk about music, which is what i have in common with most of
> these people I meet anyway. I have also met blind friends online, and
> basically the same goes for them. So as most people have already said,
> I don't think it's that much different dating a sighted person from a
> blind person. A blind person might be a little more understanding
> considering they go through some of the same things. But on the other
> side, that may not always be the case, if the person isn't completely
> adjusted to their blindness, or they have been with their family their
> entire life, and don't really understand the independence issue such
> as in my case. So I think dating both blind and sighted people can
> have their ups and downs, and it's just a matter of knowing how to
> handle each situation as it comes. Good luck.
>
>
> On 3/22/12, Arielle Silverman <arielle71 at gmail.com> wrote:
>> Hi all,
>> I have a little experience with online dating, but not much. I was on
>> a dating site for a year or so and chatted with a few guys but didn't
>> find anyone I actually wanted to meet in person. I have a lot of
>> friends (sighted and blind) who do online dating and I've heard the
>> whole gamut, from happily-ever-after marriages to disastrous first
>> dates and a few people who walked away after my friend's blindness was
>> revealed online. It really doesn't hurt to try it. If you do find
>> someone you like and want to meet, it's best to meet them in a public
>> place. But there's nothing dangerous about just putting a profile up
>> and seeing what happens.
>> Some dating sites are free and others charge a fee for joining.
>> Interestingly, the site I used was free, and when I was visiting my
>> sister and her roommate they were checking out one of the paid sites.
>> I told them about the free site I was on and they looked at it and
>> said they thought the guys on the free site were a lot more attractive
>> and appealing than the guys on the paid one. So it's possible the
>> people you might meet on a free site are less "desperate" and hence
>> are better catches.
>> I'm sure there's a lot of debate about when to reveal blindness during
>> an online dating encounter. Some people put it in their profiles,
>> others wait until the first meeting and still others reveal it at some
>> point in the middle. I'd tend to treat it like a job interview and
>> reveal blindness after I've connected with someone online but before
>> we meet in person so they aren't totally shocked or freaked out when
>> they see me. Unfortunately rejections due to blindness can happen at
>> any point in the process. You'll have to decide whether you would
>> prefer to take that risk earlier on or to give them a chance to get to
>> know you before they learn about your blindness.
>> Regarding dating blind vs. sighted people: Like many of us I have done
>> both. I never consciously decided that I wanted to date a blind person
>> or a sighted person, and I would not recommend that line of thinking.
>> I simply dated guys with whom I felt a connection and who felt the
>> same way toward me, regardless of whether or not they were blind. I
>> will say that in some ways establishing the initial relationship was
>> easier with blind guys, because I didn't have to wonder about what
>> nonverbal signals they were sending or how they might interpret my
>> nonverbal signals. However, when I try to compare the relationship I
>> have had with my sighted boyfriend over the past three years with the
>> other relationships I have had with blind guys, I really can't think
>> of any major differences. I do think that regardless of blindness
>> status, it's important for you and your partner to share interests and
>> passions in common. NFB and blindness are passions that many of us
>> share, and they help bring many blind couples together. However, there
>> are other interests or passions you may share with sighted folks
>> around you, and finding a partner who shares one of those passions
>> with you can be similarly rewarding. In other words, instead of
>> deciding who to date based on whether they are sighted or blind, I
>> think it's more helpful to choose based on how much you share in
>> common with them. I know that for us blind folks it can be hard to
>> meet and connect with people at bars or large gatherings like singles'
>> parties. But if you can find communities of people that share your
>> interests-whether that be your local NFB chapter or student division,
>> classes, church groups or clubs you might be in-that's a much better
>> way to build lasting connections.
>> Arielle
>>
>> On 3/22/12, Nimer M. Jaber, IC³ <nimerjaber1 at gmail.com> wrote:
>>> Oops, I missed a point: I wouldn't go to an NFB convention simply for
>>> the dating scene. I'm sure relationships do develop at things like
>>> that, however most people are going to be preoccupied with general
>>> sessions, exhibits, orientation around a huge massive hotel, etc etc
>>> to really pay attention to who's around them for dating.
>>>
>>> Later.
>>>
>>> On 22.03.2012, Nimer M. Jaber, IC³ <nimerjaber1 at gmail.com> wrote:
>>>> Hello Robin,
>>>>
>>>> Or you could just go ahead and do the online dating thing and learn
>>>> from it. It has turned out well for some, and not so well for others.
>>>> As for the sighted vs. blind thing, I would ask what you want. Not
>>>> dating a blind person simply because you think you'll look cool and
>>>> more independent for dating a sighted person will limit your options,
>>>> just like not dating a sighted person because you're afraid of being
>>>> rejected is crazy as well. We're all individuals. Many blind people
>>>> have underlying disabilities, some may not be adjusted to their
>>>> blindness completely, etc etc but you wouldn't have to necessarily
>>>> feel self-conscious about the blindness issues, your appearance, etc
>>>> etc. Sighted people in my experience are going to ask many questions.
>>>> Especially at first, you'll probably have to do a whole lot more
>>>> educating than dating, and it might get annoying, but many are willing
>>>> to learn and it could work out. As for good dating sites ... why not
>>>> just getting onto the social networks like Facebook and put your
>>>> status as single? Maybe attend some of the singles conferences that
>>>> are out there? And if someone interests you, then go after them
>>>> (whether online or not).
>>>>
>>>> Anyway, talk to you later and peace. May you have much luck with your
>>>> dating search.
>>>>
>>>> Nimer J
>>>>
>>>> On 22.03.2012, Joshua Lester <jlester8462 at students.pccua.edu> wrote:
>>>>> Also, it has been proven, that there are people on chat sites, that
>>>>> pretend to be something, to get your attention, and then when you meet
>>>>> them, they're a criminal.
>>>>> Be careful, and meet people one on one, and in person.
>>>>> Come to the NFB convention, and you might meet someone, and oh yes,
>>>>> there are sighted members in the NFB, as well!
>>>>> Blessings, Joshua
>>>>>
>>>>> On 3/22/12, Gloria G <gloria.graves at gmail.com> wrote:
>>>>>> Hi,
>>>>>> I have never gone on to any of the online dating sites, but I would be
>>>>>> very
>>>>>> careful because a person online is not as friendly or charming as they
>>>>>> appear to be over emails. I have dated very few blind people and find
>>>>>> that
>>>>>> there is always a focus on blindness in the relationship and I feel
>>>>>> that
>>>>>> is
>>>>>> a negative thing at times because we all live with blindness on a
>>>>>> daily
>>>>>> basis and want to know we are more than our blindness. I have found
>>>>>> there
>>>>>> are a lot of people open to dating a blind person expecially when they
>>>>>> are
>>>>>> confident and out going. I have been in a relationship with a sited
>>>>>> person
>>>>>> for 3 years and things are wonderful.
>>>>>> ----- Original Message -----
>>>>>> From: "Robin" <robinmel71 at earthlink.net>
>>>>>> To: <nabs-l at nfbnet.org>
>>>>>> Sent: Thursday, March 22, 2012 4:47 PM
>>>>>> Subject: [nabs-l] Dating & Sighted-Blind-Low Vision
>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>>> Hello to everyone,
>>>>>>> I am just wondering if anyone has had any experience with online
>>>>>>> dating
>>>>>>> and if so what sites would you recommend? What experiences have you
>>>>>>> had
>>>>>>> with dating sighted people vs dating blind people? I look forward to
>>>>>>> hearing your stories.
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> I seldom think about my limitations, and they never make me sad.
>>>>>>> Perhaps
>>>>>>> there is just a touch of yearning at times; but it is vague, like a
>>>>>>> breeze
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> among flowers.
>>>>>>> Hellen Keller
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> _______________________________________________
>>>>>>> nabs-l mailing list
>>>>>>> nabs-l at nfbnet.org
>>>>>>> http://nfbnet.org/mailman/listinfo/nabs-l_nfbnet.org
>>>>>>> To unsubscribe, change your list options or get your account info for
>>>>>>> nabs-l:
>>>>>>> http://nfbnet.org/mailman/options/nabs-l_nfbnet.org/gloria.graves%40gmail.com
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>> _______________________________________________
>>>>>> nabs-l mailing list
>>>>>> nabs-l at nfbnet.org
>>>>>> http://nfbnet.org/mailman/listinfo/nabs-l_nfbnet.org
>>>>>> To unsubscribe, change your list options or get your account info for
>>>>>> nabs-l:
>>>>>> http://nfbnet.org/mailman/options/nabs-l_nfbnet.org/jlester8462%40students.pccua.edu
>>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>> _______________________________________________
>>>>> nabs-l mailing list
>>>>> nabs-l at nfbnet.org
>>>>> http://nfbnet.org/mailman/listinfo/nabs-l_nfbnet.org
>>>>> To unsubscribe, change your list options or get your account info for
>>>>> nabs-l:
>>>>> http://nfbnet.org/mailman/options/nabs-l_nfbnet.org/nimerjaber1%40gmail.com
>>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> --
>>>> Nimer Jaber, IC³ and Freedom Scientific JAWS Certifications
>>>>
>>>> The message above is intended for the recipient to whom it was
>>>> addressed. If you believe that you are not the intended recipient,
>>>> please notify me via reply email and destroy all copies of this
>>>> correspondence. Action taken as a result of this email or its contents
>>>> by anyone other than the intended recipient may result in civil or
>>>> criminal action. I have checked this email and all corresponding
>>>> attachments for security threats. However, security of your machine is
>>>> up to you. Thanks.
>>>>
>>>> Registered Linux User 529141.
>>>> http://counter.li.org/
>>>> Vinux testing and documentation coordinator
>>>> To get more information about a free and accessible operating system,
>>>> please click here:
>>>> http://www.vinuxproject.org
>>>>
>>>> To find out about a free and versatile screen reader for windows XP
>>>> and above, please click here:
>>>> http://www.nvda-project.org
>>>>
>>>> You can follow @nimerjaber on Twitter for the latest technology news.
>>>>
>>>> Check out my blog related to technology by clicking here:
>>>> http://nimertech.blogspot.com
>>>>
>>>> To contact me, you can reply to this email or you may call me at (720)
>>>> (251-4530) and I will do my best to respond to you promptly.
>>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> --
>>> Nimer Jaber, IC³ and Freedom Scientific JAWS Certifications
>>>
>>> The message above is intended for the recipient to whom it was
>>> addressed. If you believe that you are not the intended recipient,
>>> please notify me via reply email and destroy all copies of this
>>> correspondence. Action taken as a result of this email or its contents
>>> by anyone other than the intended recipient may result in civil or
>>> criminal action. I have checked this email and all corresponding
>>> attachments for security threats. However, security of your machine is
>>> up to you. Thanks.
>>>
>>> Registered Linux User 529141.
>>> http://counter.li.org/
>>> Vinux testing and documentation coordinator
>>> To get more information about a free and accessible operating system,
>>> please click here:
>>> http://www.vinuxproject.org
>>>
>>> To find out about a free and versatile screen reader for windows XP
>>> and above, please click here:
>>> http://www.nvda-project.org
>>>
>>> You can follow @nimerjaber on Twitter for the latest technology news.
>>>
>>> Check out my blog related to technology by clicking here:
>>> http://nimertech.blogspot.com
>>>
>>> To contact me, you can reply to this email or you may call me at (720)
>>> (251-4530) and I will do my best to respond to you promptly.
>>>
>>> _______________________________________________
>>> nabs-l mailing list
>>> nabs-l at nfbnet.org
>>> http://nfbnet.org/mailman/listinfo/nabs-l_nfbnet.org
>>> To unsubscribe, change your list options or get your account info for
>>> nabs-l:
>>> http://nfbnet.org/mailman/options/nabs-l_nfbnet.org/arielle71%40gmail.com
>>>
>>
>> _______________________________________________
>> nabs-l mailing list
>> nabs-l at nfbnet.org
>> http://nfbnet.org/mailman/listinfo/nabs-l_nfbnet.org
>> To unsubscribe, change your list options or get your account info for
>> nabs-l:
>> http://nfbnet.org/mailman/options/nabs-l_nfbnet.org/cumbiambera2005%40gmail.com
>>
>
> _______________________________________________
> nabs-l mailing list
> nabs-l at nfbnet.org
> http://nfbnet.org/mailman/listinfo/nabs-l_nfbnet.org
> To unsubscribe, change your list options or get your account info for
> nabs-l:
> http://nfbnet.org/mailman/options/nabs-l_nfbnet.org/oliver.doug1%40gmail.com
>
>
> _______________________________________________
> nabs-l mailing list
> nabs-l at nfbnet.org
> http://nfbnet.org/mailman/listinfo/nabs-l_nfbnet.org
> To unsubscribe, change your list options or get your account info for
> nabs-l:
> http://nfbnet.org/mailman/options/nabs-l_nfbnet.org/trillian551%40gmail.com
>

-- 
Mary Fernandez
Emory 2012
"Do I dare
Disturb the universe?
In a minute there is time
For decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse."
--
T.S. Eliot