[nabs-l] social norms: how we can fit in with sighted societyatsocial gatherings
Sophie Trist
sweetpeareader at gmail.com
Wed Sep 19 20:43:43 UTC 2012
I agree, Brandon. If we do not know any of the unwritten social
rules, it will be hard for us to get jobs and/or live a normal
life. It is important to behave normally and appropriately. If we
want to change people's attitudes about blindness, we have to
prove that we have the ability to blend in, to act appropriately.
This does not mean that we should kill ourselves to fit in, or
that we should comply with the sighted definition of beauty if it
goes against our own values. For instance, I do not wear makeup
because frankly, I have more important things to do. Behaving
normally is more important than spending hours and hours trying
to look like a supermodel. I make sure that all my outfits match,
because if they didn't, I would look weird and they would think,
"That blind girl can't even pick out her own clothes." Also, if
you have any intention of attracting a member of the opposite
sex, you must look presentable.
----- Original Message -----
From: "Brandon Keith Biggs" <brandonkeithbiggs at gmail.com
To: "National Association of Blind Students mailing list"
<nabs-l at nfbnet.org
Date sent: Wed, 19 Sep 2012 08:04:55 -0700
Subject: Re: [nabs-l] social norms: how we can fit in with
sighted societyatsocial gatherings
Hello,
Unfortunately to change attitudes you need to be excepted.
Considering many blind folks are just novices at the rules of the
sighted
world (Especially the congenitally blind), even years of lessons
may not get
them to the level to where they would be distressed.
Also, lots of the stress is because sighted people themselves are
unsure of
the rules themselves. If someone purposely breaks a rule once or
twice to
get what they want, it is seen as brave. If they break the rules
all the
time, it is seen as weird. I totally believe men and women should
learn the
social norms for men and women. For example, men do not go around
sitting in
the splits. They save the splits for dance only. Also, there are
rules for
different body types. I'm sure there are many generalities that
will hold
true for many circumstance, and many of the rules will only be
ways of
communicating different information. For example, Guys should not
wear very
tight, stretchy pants with a shorter shirt unless they want to
convey how
big and... muscular they are.
But frankly, again, most blind people once worked past their
kinetic
oddities, will be much more excepted in the world.
For example, I'm trying really hard now to stop snapping my
retainers,
because I guess it really creeps people out... :(
Once people learn the rules, they will be able to label anything
new that
pops up and work to remove the odd mannerism from their actions.
Thank you,
Brandon Keith Biggs
-----Original Message-----
From: Marc Workman
Sent: Friday, September 14, 2012 7:37 PM
To: National Association of Blind Students mailing list
Subject: Re: [nabs-l] social norms: how we can fit in with
sighted societyat
social gatherings
Chris wrote,
Therefore, it is important that we know the unwritten rules which
our
sighted society has made. If we don't know them and follow them,
what does
that say about us as blind people? It says we are weird,
different,
abnormal, incompetent, dependent, etc.
Alternatively, perhaps it says that those rules are not natural,
that they
are the product of sighted people simply aping one another, and
that they
are arbitrary. I believe that such unwritten rules often
needlessly cause
huge amounts of anxiety, self-loathing, and anguish.
We had a similar discussion on this list some time ago,
particularly around
the subject of so called "blindisms, and I put that term in
quotes as a way
of acknowledging that it is pejorative. I'm sure it could be
found on line
by anyone who is interested.
Personally, I would rather live in a world where blind people are
accepted
and respected not simply to the extent that they can look and act
like
sighted people, but on the grounds that they are human beings
possessing
dignity and as equally worthy of respect as sighted people. The
message
shouldn't be, "hey, we can follow your rules, so you should
accept us".
Instead, the message should be, "we, like you, have many talents
and
weaknesses, feel pleasure and pain, reach our full potential
through the
formation of deep and meaningful relationships with other human
beings, and
your failure to treat us with respect and as equals is unfair,
discriminatory, and immoral", to borrow from Mr. Lewis.
By the way, I think this goes well beyond blind people fitting
into sighted
society. We are constantly policing one another's behaviour.
Probably one of
the more obvious examples of this has to do with gender. There
are hundreds
if not thousands of mostly unspoken rules about what makes a man
a man and
how real men ought to behave, and there are twice as many
concerning women.
These rules are enforced in subtle but effective ways, and the
result is
often a great deal of suffering for anyone who cannot, or chooses
not to,
conform. These gender rules are just as arbitrary as those around
sighted/blind behaviour, and the effort similarly should be to
relax and
remove such rules, not to more explicitly and fervently teach
boys and girls
the so called right way to act.
This is of course easier said than done, and failing to conform
does
unfortunately often result in suffering, such as missed social,
volunteer,
and employment opportunities. So I don't judge or condemn anyone
who makes a
serious effort to learn the unwritten rules of sighted society,
just as I
don't judge someone who wants to spend all of his or her time
reading
medical journals and desperately praying for a cure. It's hard
being blind
in the particular society in which we live, and conforming can
make things a
little bit easier. But I still think we should work more on
changing
attitudes and less on teaching blind people how to look and act
like sighted
people.
Regards,
Marc
On 2012-09-14, at 3:04 PM, Chris Nusbaum
<dotkid.nusbaum at gmail.com> wrote:
Hi Brandon and all,
I'm taking the liberty here to change the subject of this
thread, as if
we're going to discuss the topic which Brandon has brought up in
his post,
I think it would prevent confusion if we changed the subject to
reflect
the actual topic of Brandon's message.
Brandon, your idea about the NFB conducting some kind of
instructional
seminar or workshop on social norms and how we can "fit in" with
the
sighted public is a great one! I think you should talk with the
NFB
leadership about this! I believe NOPBC (the parents division)
has touched
on this topic in their seminars at conventions. One of the
topics at the
parents seminar at the Maryland state convention is almost
always social
skills, especially what sighted society has deemed socially
acceptable and
how we as blind people can fit in at social gatherings,
conforming as best
we can to the "norms" of society. I believe this is arguably
more
important for blind students, as we are often in social
gatherings (or
want to be in them) at our schools, with our friends, or in our
communities. Therefore, it is important that we know the
unwritten rules
which our sighted society has made. If we don't know them and
follow
them, what does that say about us as blind people? It says we
are weird,
different, abnormal, incompetent, dependent, etc. These are the
very
adjectives we in the Federation have been working to cut out
from the
vocabulary of the public when in the context of blindness and
blind
people. In other words, these are the very things we don't want
sighted
people thinking about us. If this is how sighted people
perceive us, then
it puts our ability to get a job, volunteer in our community,
and become
first-class citizens at risk. So, I think this would be a great
thing for
the NFB to do, and one which I'm kind of surprised we're not
doing
already. Also, since this is an important topic for blind
students,
perhaps "social skills and norms" could be the topic of a future
NABS
membership call.
Just my thoughts,
Chris
----- Original Message -----
From: "Brandon Keith Biggs" <brandonkeithbiggs at gmail.com
To: "National Association of Blind Students mailing list"
<nabs-l at nfbnet.org
Date sent: Mon, 10 Sep 2012 21:15:16 -0700
Subject: Re: [nabs-l] condoms and Sexual Health
Hello,
We aren't promoting sex among students, we are promoting safe
sex. There
is
a huge difference. If the student division is the only one with
some
practical sense about sexual activities, I'm a little scared...
:)
I do agree though, sex, dating and excepted socializing among a
sighted
community is a very big topic that is often times ignored by the
blind
community.
I have been told by sighted TVIs that many blind folks (youth or
not) have
some very strange mannerisms and beliefs that are totally
against the
grain
of sighted society. My mom in particular, who is a TVI, has
suggested
that
the NFB should really give some instruction on how the sighted
world
thinks.
Otherwise what will happen (and what has happened) is the world
looks at a
gathering of blind people and cringes because they are so weird.
or a
sighted girl sees a blind guy and thinks she wants to talk to
him and when
she is about to sit down and say hi, the guy does something
really weird
and
she turns around and walks a mile away.
This is a little different than the deal with the condoms, but
both sexual
health and social issues are topics that are very much in need
of
attention
among blind individuals, and students in particular.
I feel strongly that having some active workshops on this that
aren't
meant
to be uncomfortable, but still deal with the taboo problems
would greatly
improve convention.
Thank you,
Brandon Keith Biggs
-----Original Message-----
From: Arielle Silverman
Sent: Monday, September 10, 2012 8:18 PM
To: National Association of Blind Students mailing list
Subject: Re: [nabs-l] condoms and Sexual Health
Hi all,
I have joked in the past about how NABS should sell Brailled
Whozit
condoms at convention! Kidding aside, though, there are probably
some
NFB leaders with more conservative leanings, who might feel that
NABS
selling condoms at convention would be promoting sexual activity
among
young or unmarried blind students. I don't agree with that
position,
but some people do and since anything NABS does is, by
extension, an
NFB-sanctioned event, we would need to balance the benefits of
providing condoms against possibly upsetting the NFB leadership
or
bringing on an unwanted political debate.
I would be more likely to support a NABS breakout session, at
Washington Seminar or elsewhere, about sexuality in general, and
perhaps include an opportunity to try putting a condom on the
proverbial banana or some such. When I was 15, I went to a
diversity
camp (for sighted teens) and there was a sexuality workshop
available
as one of several choices. They passed around condoms and in
fact,
this was the first time I actually felt one. A general workshop
about
sex, dating and etiquette, etc. might be worth having.
Arielle
On 9/10/12, Brandon Keith Biggs <brandonkeithbiggs at gmail.com>
wrote:
Hello,
This would be an awesome idea! Not only because many people have
never
seen
a condom, so they could finger the packages with labels without
having to
be
embarrassed, but when I was at the hotel I didn't run into any
condoms in
the store. Granted I wasn't looking for them, but I was
browsing...
Condoms,
lube and Dental Dams, all labeled in Braille! We would also
probably need
to
provide guides for people on how to find the right way to put on
a condom
or
use a dental dam.
Another thing I didn't see at the NABS table is hot serial. The
packing
guide in the nabs newsletter said to pack a ton of things and I
for one
don't keep hot serial in the house and I don't shop at places
that sell
hot
serial, so wasn't able to grab a box. But I would have loved to
buy a box
for even $10 or more, the breakfasts there were $10 alone...
(Then of
course
we could sell bole and spoon packs for the poor folks who didn't
bring
their
own utensil's).
Thanks,
Brandon Keith Biggs
-----Original Message-----
From: Anmol Bhatia
Sent: Monday, September 10, 2012 8:28 AM
To: National Association of Blind Students mailing list
Subject: Re: [nabs-l] condoms and Sexual Health
You would be a good place to sell and buy condoms? At the NFB
convention...
Perhaps Nabs should sell condoms at the NABS table. We can even
braille
them
so the perso can know what kind of condoms they have. lol
Anmol
I seldom think about my limitations, and they never make me sad.
Perhaps
there is just a touch of yearning at times; but it is vague,
like a breeze
among flowers.
Hellen Keller
--- On Sun, 9/9/12, Carly Mihalakis <carlymih at comcast.net>
wrote:
From: Carly Mihalakis <carlymih at comcast.net
Subject: Re: [nabs-l] condoms and Sexual Health
To: "National Association of Blind Students mailing list"
<nabs-l at nfbnet.org>, "National Association of Blind Students
mailing
list"
<nabs-l at nfbnet.org
Date: Sunday, September 9, 2012, 10:54 PM
Hi, Brandon,
I went into a place in Denver to buy a dildo yes, on
the bigger, ribbed side to use in the old fashioned bath tub
I had at the time, to get myself off with the faucet.
Traditionally, I need something in my ass, to cum. If I
remember, the folks in their wer very cool, look at the
blind girl going to by herself a dildo! Don't worry! If
you're relaxed, and cool about what you're doing so will be
the bookstore, personnel. Let us know how goes it,
okay? At 04:52 PM 9/8/2012, SA Mobile wrote:
Those are the best places to get stuff as the staff are
professional and are trained to make customers feel at ease.
Just make sure the shop is of good repute.
Respectfully,
Jedi
Sent from my iPhone
On 08/09/2012, at 12:36 PM, "Brandon Keith Biggs"
<brandonkeithbiggs at gmail.com
wrote:
Hello,
Thank goodness my father was a nurse and when I
turned 18, he said addio to being in with me at the doctor.
I do find it amusing though that some doctors are actually
really uncomfortable touching me because I'm blind... That
only happened after my dad started leaving the room.
Thank you Arielle for those websites. I don't feel
that condoms are something I want to buy from a website I've
never heard of before unless someone I know has gotten or
knows that site is trust worthy.
I was told that flavored condoms were only to be
used in oral intercourse. The same is not for lube I
presume?
Also, has anyone ever gone into a sex store? How
was it as a blind shopper? Even from sighted people I hear
the experience is often not pleasant.
Thanks,
Brandon Keith Biggs
-----Original Message----- From: Arielle
Silverman
Sent: Saturday, September 08, 2012 10:00 AM
To: nabs-l at nfbnet.org
Subject: [nabs-l] condoms and Sexual Health
Hi all,
I know the recent discussions about sex and dating
are kind of in a
gray area as to whether or not they're on-topic
for this list, since
most of the issues Koby brought up are not really
unique to blindness.
So if the moderators or Dave feel this is getting
too far afield, I
will happily respect your judgment. However, I
also think that
Brandon's question about where to get condoms is a
legitimate one and
that there might be other blind people out here,
including teenagers,
who have similar concerns about how to get
condoms, birth control or
sexual health information without a lot of
awkwardness or
embarrassment. It can be particularly difficult if
you have to depend
on someone else (especially parents) for
transportation which can make
going to a clinic or drugstore difficult.
There are a few places to buy condoms online,
including
www.condomania.com
www.undercovercondoms.com
and
www.condomdepot.com
Believe it or not, they also have some condom
choices at
www.amazon.com
If you go to your health center on campus for any
reason, it shouldn't
be a problem to ask a doctor or nurse there
about condoms.
I cannot answer the questions about when to begin
having sex with a
partner because that is a highly individual
decision. However, I feel
it important that anyone who is considering having
sex for the first
time ensure you understand what all of your
options are for preventing
pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases, the
advantages and
disadvantages of each option, and the proper way
to use condoms and
birth control. There are a couple different
websites with this kind
of information:
www.plannedparenthood.org
(includes live chat with a sexual health educator)
or
www.scarleteen.com
This issue is particularly close to my heart at
the moment because my
boyfriend's sister just had an unintended
pregnancy at a very
inopportune time (while still in college, with a
guy she had only
known for a few months) and was apparently taking
birth control pills,
but had not been taking them consistently. While I
don't believe that
sex should be feared, it is something that
takes some responsibility,
planning and foresight to ensure it is enjoyable
while minimizing the
risks. Also, while I won't go into details here,
there are other ways
to be physically intimate with someone that are
less risky, which
these online forums will talk about.
I also want to bring up an issue that is
somewhat relevant to sexual
health, which I experienced and I think that some
of you might also be
struggling with. This is the issue of having your
parents drive you to
doctors' appointments and then having them want to
sit in or even
participate in your appointments. Since I attended
college in my home
city, my mother always wanted to drive me to my
doctors' appointments
and would then want to come in and chat with the
doctor while he/she
was examining me. This was partly because my
parents and I saw many of
the same doctors and she often thought it was a
good opportunity to
ask the doctor a quick question about her own
health while she was
there, or because she was curious to see what the
doctor recommended
to me about a particular issue. I eventually
realized that while it
wasn't ill-intentioned, it was a violation of my
privacy as an adult
patient and I asked her to wait in the waiting
room while I was seeing
the doctor. I didn't actually take this stand
until I was 21 and in
hindsight I wish I had done it much earlier.
By the time you are 18,
unless you have a serious cognitive disability,
you have a right to
privacy of your medical information and it is
important to establish a
good doctor-patient relationship without a third
person interfering.
This is especially true when it comes to sexual
health and by the time
you are 18 or even 16, you will want to start
discussing your sexual
activities or questions with your doctors without
your parents being
around. You might also want to consider getting a
driver or even
taking the bus to medical appointments to avoid
this problem.
On a related note, by the time you are in high
school, you should know
the names of all medications you take on a
regular basis and any
chronic medical conditions you may have. If you
ever have to go to the
emergency room, this kind of information may
be requested of you.
Best,
Arielle
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